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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feel so humiliated, need to get it off my chest

32 replies

NovaLuna · 05/12/2009 00:52

I have spent the last year cultivating new friends as feel very lonely. Joined the PTA and spent hours helping out.

Found that no one actually comes up to talk to me unless I put all the effort in and talk to them, have had some back to my house for coffee/ lunch,etc but it is never reciprocated.

I am ignored if other people in the more established group are together, I really don't think they realise how upsetting it is for me because they'll joke and make little comments to each other but it's never directed towards me ifswim.

I finally realise I'm being used and am not really 'part of the group' at all. But I do not know how I can carry on with the PTA, these so called friends are anything but.

What do I do now as it's a small school? There are other lovely mums I am friends with but they are not on the PTA and I feel a conflict of interest now as I want to help on the PTA as the school is desperately short of volunteers but this group have stunned me at how insensitively they behave towards me, and I am normally a cheerful, helpful person!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 05/12/2009 00:55

Drag your nice mummy friends in to the PTA with you and form a subversive under-faction then overthrow the Queen Bee!

Seriously - it's crap, people are very crap sometimes. I've had a revelation a bit like yours a couple of months back and it's very upsetting but you really do have to say 'screw them' and look elsewhere

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/12/2009 01:01

Approach the PTA as if you were at work: You don't have to like the people or socialise with them, but you have a job to do and you concentrate on that.

Then you have your fun and social time outside of "work".

Their loss and it's not like the PTA takes up all of your time.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/12/2009 01:02

Sorry that sounds a bit insensitive. Didn't mean to and I would feel a bit about it.

But I think the work stratergy is a good one. Tried and tested any way

Original poster
NovaLuna · 05/12/2009 01:06

Thank you Northern, actually I did that for the last PTA function when the committee gave me the worst job (where I had to do all the set up alone)(awful for me as I had joined the PTA specifically not to be always left alone!)while the others cosied up and had a laugh.

They said I'd be on my own unless I found someone to help, and luckily my other friends did assist me.

I feel cross now to have wasted so much time on these people.

I suppose I need a new strategy, can't ignore them as school is too small and tbh I don't want to fall out with anyone.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 05/12/2009 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NovaLuna · 05/12/2009 01:12

Thank you Just, I feel humiliated because it has only just dawned on me how used I have been and how badly they treat me. I think they have no idea I'd be feeling like this because PTA functions are always so busy and the last thing on their minds will be me of course.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/12/2009 01:19

Nova some people are just a bit shit. Don't take it to heart.

You joined to make friends, you've made friends elsewhere so you don't need them. And you have nothing to feel humilated about. Their bad behaviour, their problem.

BitOfFun · 05/12/2009 01:20

If you don't want to be around them any more, I would just murmer about health problems which mean you need more time to relax,and fuck them right off.

Original poster
NovaLuna · 05/12/2009 01:20

The PTA is a new group and yes, they've known each other longer than they know me. One actually car shares with me and we have a laugh when together, but I was so upset that when another more longer term friend was on the scene I was practically banished to the sidelines.

I get on with most people and so it's the first time I've been excluded from banter etc like this and I'm shocked at the level of hurt and humiliation I'm experiencing despite telling myself to get a grip!

Hence being up at this late hour, thanks for being here for me!

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/12/2009 01:30

BOF is right. Health problems is a good excuse, as is "complex family situation". Or don't give them a reason at all. I never do - mainly because I can never remember what it was later but also because I cannot be arsed with such people.

Let them do their own setting up of halls/cake baking/balloon blowing/tea making or whatever other horrible tasks they like to inflict on others.

Original poster
NovaLuna · 05/12/2009 01:51

Don't you feel guilty about not helping out the school though? The money raised is spent on the children and I feel obliged to help out, especially as I have 3 dc.

Despite having good friends in general, I still feel desperately isolated a lot of the time and this has sorely knocked my confidence.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/12/2009 02:20

Nah don't feel guilty. You pay your taxes that fund the school plenty of people can't/don't help.

I don't have a DC in school yet, although I do volunteer for other things but if it was making me miserable I'd have to think twice about it.

The issue isn't the PTA crowd. It's how you feel. Why do you feel so isolated? Have you just moved/gone through a break-up?

Original poster
NovaLuna · 05/12/2009 02:44

I live in an isolated place but I'm certainly not Miss Nofriends as people come round frequently. Interestingly (?) the woman I considered a friend told me no one ever came round to hers.

I feel lonely because I'm SAHM and am studying in order to get the qualifications I need to retrain.

I have hobbies etc too, dh noticed how miserable I was after this latest incident and made me a cup of tea and gave me a cuddle.

Thank you Just, for making me see wider than just my box view.

OP posts:
GrendelsMum · 05/12/2009 16:32

Just looking at it from a different point of view, I don't think you're right to feel humiliated at all. I wonder if they are thinking (in an insensitive and stupid way, but still thinking) "NovaLuna's got lots of friends - if she does the set up, she'll get all her mates to help" and "NovaLuna always so outgoing, friendly and confident - she's the last person that needs people to make the effort to chat to her. After all, if she wants to chat, she'll start chatting."

But certainly, if you're fed up with them, just leave the PTA. I can tell you from experience that no disaster is caused, even when an utterly crucial person has to leave very unexpectedly!

dejavuaswell · 05/12/2009 16:44

The graveyards of the world are filled with indispensable people and/or the graveyards of the world are filled with people who died waiting for the day.

I am a school governor. 10% of us do 90% of the work and the 90%, on the odd occasions when they condescend to do anything, stand around in group and mutter about me.

Frankly my dear I don?t give a damn. (For 10 points which film was that)?

Don?t ever feel humiliated by deadheads ? my golden rule.

catinthehat2 · 05/12/2009 16:52

Worst of all, "Nova Luna is studying hard to make something of herself" which some people believe it or not see as a direct threat.
You have a kind DH, lots of friends, I think it really is the others who are uncool, not you.

shallishanti · 05/12/2009 19:49

If you really feel obliged to help the PTA why not initiate a role/task that can be yours alone unless you invite someone else to help. Like, I dunno, organise the raffle at the next event, AND then decline to do anything else.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 05/12/2009 22:40

NovaLuna How are you feeling now?

Hope you're feeling a bit bolstered by all the lovely warm comments on here

Original poster
NovaLuna · 06/12/2009 04:37

Thank you so much, I am looking at it at all the new angles you've given me and it is quite a revelation tbh.

The hurt is diminishing because I can see how if I take a 'business' approach to helping and being around these other mums who have done me a favour really in showing me their real colours (do I really want close friends out of people who are insensitive?)then I can remain positive and friendly in their company but I won't try to seek them out.

It has made me realise I should be paying more attention to the women who make time for me, like those who came to my aid for the PTA function (and interestingly(?)I have never invited back for coffee/lunch.

In fact there are a some lovely ladies who are longstanding friends but who I don't tend to seek out as much (attend a different school)I really need to make more of an effort with them tbh if I'm feeling lonely. Two of whom I spent time on holiday with (separate occasions).

I also have a couple of very loyal, wonderful best friends and I have come to the conclusion thanks to this post, that I should not take for granted what I have.

The loneliness comes from not being invited to anything from the 'new friends' at school as that would have been nice. But I can see now that being friendly is all I need to be from now on and I need to contact my longstanding friends more!

OP posts:
Original poster
NovaLuna · 06/12/2009 04:44

Thank you so much, I am looking at it at all the new angles you've given me and it is quite a revelation tbh.

The hurt is diminishing because I can see how if I take a 'business' approach to helping and being around these other mums who have done me a favour really in showing me their real colours (do I really want close friends out of people who are insensitive?)then I can remain positive and friendly in their company but I won't try to seek them out.

It has made me realise I should be paying more attention to the women who make time for me, like those who came to my aid for the PTA function (and interestingly(?)I have never invited back for coffee/lunch.

In fact there are a some lovely ladies who are longstanding friends but who I don't tend to seek out as much (attend a different school)I really need to make more of an effort with them tbh if I'm feeling lonely. Two of whom I spent time on holiday with (separate occasions).

I also have a couple of very loyal, wonderful best friends and I have come to the conclusion thanks to this post, that I should not take for granted what I have.

The loneliness comes from not being invited to anything from the 'new friends' at school as that would have been nice. But I can see now that being friendly is all I need to be from now on and I need to contact my longstanding friends more!

OP posts:
rainbowbadger · 06/12/2009 07:47

I've have experienced this too and find that at the school fetes I am left on my own in no mans land to run a stall while other stalls are three deep with cliques. However I carry on and this Xmas fete spent a very nice three hours with another 'outsider', who happened to be a very charming sean bean look a like, selling reindeer food!

dejavuaswell · 06/12/2009 10:15

Hi rainbowbadger

Years ago now I offered to run a stall at the church fete. We were new to the village and I thought it might get us accepted into the village community. It didn't but I made a good friend who was also an incomer and we stayed friends for a couple of years until she went off to Durban (South Africa) of all places.

Why is there no [sigh] smiley?

higgle · 06/12/2009 10:42

Many years on I'm still annoyed about what happened when I made a special haloween cake for DS!'s class haloween party, and a plate of meringue "bones" to go with it. Queen Bee gave cake to the sixth form party, and sold the bones at the school fair the next day. DS1 really upset none of his friends got to eat cake!

Original poster
NovaLuna · 06/12/2009 13:46

Such a lot of politics eh!

The lack of interest in me from these mums has made me a bit paranoid, do I smell/too boring/not gossipy enough/etc etc but actually I am me and that's that.

OP posts:
junkcollector · 06/12/2009 14:00

God the politics is awful isn't it. I've been paranoid about school mums of late too.

They probably aren't thinking what you think they're thinking though and even if they are so what? Why do they get to decide who's in charge/ popular etc?

To be honest I think it's near christmas everyone is knackered but expected to socialise and go to lots of parties. Give yourself a break from worrying, have a rest and you may feel more positive in the new year.

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