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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't discuss anything without him getting nasty

44 replies

TwoTonCarMoon · 04/12/2009 12:34

I've been with my partner around a year now and this is definately getting worse. If ever I try and discuss anything with him he gets really angry if his opinion differs. Its like I'm not allowed an opinion on anything. Its got to the point where I just keep quiet rather than set him off. I feel gagged.

Yesterday morning I found a wet tea bag splattered on the kitchen side. DP is the only person in the house that drinks tea. I just put it in the bin and never mentioned it. Then last night I noticed two more tea bags just left on the side near the kettle. I simply said to DP in a non-arsy voice "did you leave some tea bags on the side?"

He instantly went on the defensive saying "I don't know where they've come from". So getting slighly pissed off at his blatent lying I said "well, it must have been you, you're the only person that uses them." He then snapped "Oh! so we're going to go off in a mood over a couple of tea bags are we? well whatever, maybe I forgot to bin them? oh well, other stuff doesn't get binned does it?" I regretted even mentioning it but why should I always keep quiet?

I'm going out tonight, first time since we got together and he isn't happy about it. He told me not to buy anything skimpy. I bought a black sparkly top, defo not skimpy and I was really happy with it. Anyway he came home and said "You are joking?? that's the top you're going out in?? bit skimpy isn't it? I thought it was a night dress!" I tried it on to show him it wasn't skimpy and he said "bend down and let me see if your boobs show" so I refused. He accussed me of not doing it because I knew it would show too much chest.

I just feel like he's doing anything to pick an argument and its wearing me down.

OP posts:
RealityIsHungover · 04/12/2009 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2009 12:36

its not going to work is it?

mrsboogiefairylights · 04/12/2009 12:43

You have to bin him. Save yourself a load of grief, do it soon.

The absolute worst thign to dois keep quiet/submit just for a quiet life. You will end up with no life of your own. It's none of his business what you wear unless you ask for his opinion.

lighthouse · 04/12/2009 12:46

Thats controlling abuse, get shot, find a nice sexy loving man instead. Dickhead!

Anniegetyourgun · 04/12/2009 12:46

Reality speaks wisdom.

If there is any good reason why you want to keep him (huge wallet for example), perhaps give him ONE chance. Tell him (a) he will throw his teabags away neatly or at the very least apologise nicely if he fails at this terribly difficult task, (b) you will wear whatever you please, or nothing at all for that matter, and it is NONE OF HIS 'ING BUSINESS. He can either suck it up or take the high road. If he takes this gentle hint and mends his ways tout de suite you might, just might have an ongoing relationship. If not, tell him to go forth and find himself some doormat who actually mistakes his control freakery for caring. (Lady, I have been that doormat. It is no kind of life.)

mrsboogiefairylights · 04/12/2009 12:49

please do it now while you can still see that what he is doing is controlling and bonkers. After a few years of it you will be questioninig yourself and wondering how you can improve yourself to keep him happy and stop him from abusing you.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 04/12/2009 12:52

He is abusive and controlling. If he's like that now I would expect him to start getting physically aggressive towards you.

Get rid now before you have no life.

Original poster
TwoTonCarMoon · 04/12/2009 12:59

I actually said to him "what WOULD you do if I did go out in skimpy clothes??" and he said "I would assume you were seeing someone else". So I said "and then what? you'd scream and shout at me and give me the silent treatment for days?" and he replied "worse than that"

Everything I do is wrong and he can make daft comments toward me like subtle hints about my weight etc but as soon as I say anything back I'm being out of order.

The other night he dived on my shin. It bloody hurt and so I lashed out and punched him in the leg. He said I always go "over the top" and he was only playing. Whatever happens I'm aways at fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwoTonCarMoon · 04/12/2009 13:03

Also he says things and then denies ever saying them. Like he told me he was going out to his family on boxing day. I didn't want to be left on my own so I arranged to go out too. He then said he never said he was going out and that he'd told me he'd rearranged it and I was out of order to leave him on his own on boxing day.

Another one was that he told me he'd cancelled his hospital appointment. Therefore, I arranged something to do that day. Then he tells me he never said that and I was obviously trying to irritate him by arranging something on his appointment day.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 04/12/2009 13:03

OK then, forget what I said about giving him a chance to shape up - RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!! While you still have two legs to do it on! Seriously.

Lauriefairyonthetreeeatscake · 04/12/2009 13:03

All classic signs of abuse.

Are you able to leave him emotionally now? Or have you been sucked into the domestic violence cycle?

It is only going to get worse - wait til you see how bad he reacts when you try to leave him.

get some real life help please while you still can

mampam · 04/12/2009 13:06

OMG. I really think you need to get out of this relationship before it gets worse.

Hope you are ok?

Original poster
TwoTonCarMoon · 04/12/2009 13:06

But he always says he would never hit a woman and that he doesn't believe in hitting women. You never know what to believe though do you? I mean, we've had some blazing rows and he's never lifted a finger so I'm inclinded to believe him but then he goes and hints that he would hit me if he thought I was seeing someone else.

He is divorced and the papers say she divorced him for unreasonable behaviour. He says he agreed to this for a quick divorce but it was really because she was sleeping with someone else

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 04/12/2009 13:10

GET OUT NOW!!!

How many more red flags do you need? Please listen to your gut instincts.

NicknameTaken · 04/12/2009 13:10

Abuse doesn't always involve hitting. Controlling, intimidating, gaslighting etc - he's doing all these things. Seriously, leave this man - this is not going to get better.

mampam · 04/12/2009 13:11

He clearly has issues with trust because of what happened in his previous marriage but this doesn't give him an excuse to take it out on you.

I would give him an ultimatum, he either goes and gets some help or......

You can't go on like this.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/12/2009 13:12

We're not over-reacting here. This is how it starts - it's absolutely textbook. Read any thread from someone who's experienced abuse and you will recognise the symptoms. Right now you are fighting back, but as you've recognised yourself, it is getting worse and it will get worse than that.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/12/2009 13:13

ps I'd bet a dime to a dollar it isn't true about why his previous marriage ended. He might believe it is, which is not the same.

steamedxmaspudding · 04/12/2009 13:14

"He is divorced and the papers say she divorced him for unreasonable behaviour. He says he agreed to this for a quick divorce but it was really because she was sleeping with someone else."

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? If he can lie to you about "little" things like his hospital appointments, how can you trust him not to lie about other things?

diddl · 04/12/2009 13:14

Oh God! Get out!

He´s a controlling bully.

Why wait to see if he does hit you?

He lies, puts blame on you,& threatens you about the clothes you wear!

It will get worse!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 04/12/2009 13:16

No matter what he says about hitting women, he's scaring you isn't he? He's doing it on purpose TTCM. He wants you too afraid to do anything except what he says you can i.e. stay at home and obey his every whim.

Someone should be along with some good advice (SolidGold, Aboard the Axiom etc). Meanwhile if your computer is secure (e.g. work or passworded) google "cycle of abuse", and "emotional abuse". He is softening you up for worse than this, please get away before then.

Also all the lies etc, he's trying to make you think you're mad/hormonal/unstable etc (called gaslighting i think). You're not, none of this is your fault and you deserve a million times better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2009 13:23

TTCM

He is emotionally abusing you instead of hitting you. EA is very damaging to the person on the receiving end i.e you.

You need to get out whilst you still can because abusive behaviour like he is showing you will only drag you down further. He is trying to control you and controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

"Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is an extremely good publication about controlling men and how they operate. Controlling men are often angry men too. He is a dangerous individual for you to be involved with.

You may see his behaviour too as making daft comments but the reality here is that he is believing every word that he says. Small wonder his ex wife left him; he controlled her in the same manner. These men do not change.

If you don't leave you will get to a stage where you will be mistrusting your own judgment becuase he will have dragged your own self worth and esteem down to zero. He is already trying to isolate you and giving you comments re your appearance - its all textbook controlling abuse.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 04/12/2009 13:24

Btw - by "good advice" i mean better than mine with proper links etc. You are getting stirling advice from the other ladies here.

Hope you are ok.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 04/12/2009 13:31

Gaslighting: "When this technique is used on someone, he or she may initially become frustrated that one is being told his or her memory or perceptions do not match reality.

However, after a while, the individual beings to believe the gaslighter. He or she may start to believe that he or she is imagining things, has some kind of mental illness, or has a faulty memory. When one doubts his or her perceptions of reality, the gaslighter is able to control that person; he or she becomes completely dependent on the gaslighter for the "truth"."

This is what he's trying to do to you OP. Anniegetyourgun is right - it might seem mild at the moment but read some of the other threads on here and you'll see too many sad similarities to your situation.

boolifooli · 04/12/2009 13:43

He is not capable of the sort of relationship you need and deserve. You should get out now, he won't change, you will just end up walking on eggshelves for years and years, doubting yourself, loosing self respect.

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