Can't discuss anything without him getting nasty

[TwoTonCarMoon]

I've been with my partner around a year now and this is definately getting worse. If ever I try and discuss anything with him he gets really angry if his opinion differs. Its like I'm not allowed an opinion on anything. Its got to the point where I just keep quiet rather than set him off. I feel gagged.

Yesterday morning I found a wet tea bag splattered on the kitchen side. DP is the only person in the house that drinks tea. I just put it in the bin and never mentioned it. Then last night I noticed two more tea bags just left on the side near the kettle. I simply said to DP in a non-arsy voice "did you leave some tea bags on the side?"

He instantly went on the defensive saying "I don't know where they've come from". So getting slighly pissed off at his blatent lying I said "well, it must have been you, you're the only person that uses them." He then snapped "Oh! so we're going to go off in a mood over a couple of tea bags are we? well whatever, maybe I forgot to bin them? oh well, other stuff doesn't get binned does it?" I regretted even mentioning it but why should I always keep quiet?

I'm going out tonight, first time since we got together and he isn't happy about it. He told me not to buy anything skimpy. I bought a black sparkly top, defo not skimpy and I was really happy with it. Anyway he came home and said "You are joking?? that's the top you're going out in?? bit skimpy isn't it? I thought it was a night dress!" I tried it on to show him it wasn't skimpy and he said "bend down and let me see if your boobs show" so I refused. He accussed me of not doing it because I knew it would show too much chest.

I just feel like he's doing anything to pick an argument and its wearing me down.

Go. And go now.

You haven't mentioned kids; if there are none, go quickly before there are. If you have kids, go quickly before they start to think this is normal treatment of someone you supposedly love.

On the Womens Aid website there is questionnaire which is for women who are not sure if they are experiencing abuse.

One of the questions is "have you ever changed your behaviour to suit your partner". Well, yes you have you keep quiet just to shut him up.

Another "does he accuse unjustly of having affairs?". He has said that if you go out dressed in what he considers skimpy clothes then you must be having an affair.

Have a look. Apparently if you answer yes to more than one question then you may be experiencing abuse.

Run for the hills. His behaviour is only going to get worse if he sees you're putting up with it.

to save you a bit of time: this is the link

I second what everyone else has said.

Please end this relationship before you get any deeper.

No chances, no being talked round, no thinking it won't escalate.

There are too many red flags here. Absolutely textbook. If I didn't think you were absolutely genuine, I would suspect you had made it up it is so classic.

Definitely agree with everyone here - get out as soon as you can.

Everything you've mentioned is emotionally abusive behaviour, and like Attila, I can't recommend the Lundy Bancroft book highly enough. You will be amazed how textbook this behaviour is.

Soon to be XH was emotionally abusive, and had an affair. Needless to say, he is divorcing me for my unreasonable behaviour and I'd bet he believes the ridiculous things he's put on the petition. Do you have any contact with his ex wife at all? I bet she'd have a few stories to tell you!!

Get out. He sounds like a classic abuser.
It also sounds like he is gently grooming you to accept it. How long have you been together? Do you have DC's? Together or otherwise?
This is how my father would act with my mother, he never laid a finger on her and insisted he would never hit a woman (in my earshot), but unbeknown to her he was beating us(me and siblings) at every opportunity.

Not trying to upset you but please, for your own sake, get out before it gets worse.

There is NO FUTURE AT ALL for this relationship. End it now unless you fancy ending it six feet under. He's an abusive, dangerous, pathetic shitbag.
Who owns the house? If it's his house then start househunting tonight, if it's your house then you can tell him to pack his stuff and leave BUT I would very, very strongly advise you to have someone else with you when you tell him as men like him (text book abusers) often become violent when told their time is up. If he does become violent, no matter whose house it is, you can call 999 and have him physically removed from the house at least temporarily - if you have DC he can be excluded from the house even if he owns it (because the DC have the right to live in the family home without having to share it with a violent arsehole). However, you don;'t mention DC so hopefully you don't have any with him in which case you can end the relationship and never have to have any contact with him again.
Best of luck, but do it NOW. Give yourself a really good Xmas present, a life without a scumbag in it.

Good that you came on here tonight.

Why are people on here so quick to judge? Isn't there a value in working on relationships?

Nah- only joking- he sounds like a controlling prick. Dump him while you still can. When everybody says he's a wanker, it's usually because he's a wanker.

Only year in and he is narky with you and already getting possessive and controlling.

Run like the fucking wind, love.

Are you ok TTCM? I know we're all saying "get away" etc, but don't worry we just want to hear that you're ok. How are you feeling?

do you have any children? I ask as this relationship sounds v. immature.

Oh dear god, run for the hills.

Really. Get Out Now

Please leave this wanker now.

I worked with a girl who was with a bloke who sounded just like him, so would come to work saying all the same things as you did.

She stayed with him and had two kids, she finally saw sense and left in the end but it was so much harder with two small children in tow and now he has a hold over her with the kids.

Leave him now and find a real man who isn't an immature little prick.

I am reading the "Why Does He Do That" book by Lundy Bancroft now and you really need to read it.

It is valid to take the advice of a bunch of strangers from across the globe and protect yourself from this tormentor. Do not believe for a second that he will change for the better (he will change for the worse-you can count on that).

Imho, reading the book will be a huge key of understanding for you and will build a solid foundation of truth, and validated resolve to never give up your side (as you find yourself doing in deciding to keep quiet).

I don't think it matters if you read it before you go or after. I can't really see how you would want to spend 5 more minutes with him in your life let alone 5 days/weeks/months/or years.

Move now, read later.

BOF you nearly got lynched by me!!!

My divorce papers cite my "unreasonable behaviour" as the reason too.... you know why? because I didn't have the strength to fight it. He said that I didn't give him enough sex and served his papers first.

The truth, however is he emotionally abused me for a year and then punched me.

He only ever hit me that once..... for the rest of the year he'd accuse me of seeing other people, so he'd lock me in the house; he'd accuse me of not tidying up well enough, the truth was we lived with his disgusting parents who'd wash up once a week (yes, really) and not empty the bins... but it was all my mess!

Oh and he always said he'd never hit a woman. He loved me too much for that!

do you REALLY want to spend your life like this? You don't have to, you know. You won't even have to divorce him - he's just a partner... you only have to get the courage to walk away and never look back.

Find someone worthy of you. You are worth more than being treated like a verbal punchbag

Could nearly have written this myself, my escape plan is in action.
The op probably hasnt come back as her 'p' probably peers over her shoulder at every opportunity.
Get out asap because this sort of stuff can really wear you down even if he doesn't turn violent.
I've got a bit fiestier recently resulting in 'd'p threatening to go, my reaction is whatever, and guess what, he doesn't have the balls to, they talk shit to you unless you confront them and yes, I've really lost my temper recently and they do a complete U turn (eventually).
Classic the other day was he could never marry me or have any kids with me as I was totally emotionally unstable, unhinged etc, he told me to move out (its my house), I had 6 months of CBT for low self esteem last year and he threw that in my face as well as all the problems I had before it.
Thats what you've got to look forward to.