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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have realised today that my husband raped me many times during my marriage :-(

35 replies

Ready4anothercoffee · 03/12/2009 18:20

I began doing the freedom programme when I left him, and went to a refuge. today we did the sexual controller, and I have had to realise that all the times I gave in for a quiet life, woke up to find him 'sticking it in' said no then relented because he made me feel so guilty, accepted the 'apology' because he said he felt so guilty about hitting me. All these occasions and many more technically count as rape. I just want to scrub my teeth and fanjo

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 03/12/2009 18:22

You're out now though- good for you.

Blu · 03/12/2009 18:24

yes, he did rape you. He had no right.
So sorry, R4AC, but at least now you know, and won't go forward thinking it was somehow normal or OK of him.
And you are not dirty, or defiled. You are a woman giving yourself strength and feeedom.

Hugs and strength to you.

SantasKinkyKnickers0nMaHead · 03/12/2009 18:26
Sad
Original poster
Ready4anothercoffee · 03/12/2009 18:52

It just hurts, that even though he was violent i just hadn't tought of it like that. I'D joke about some of the survival tatics, but just hadn't mede the connction. I've survived so much, and now the realisation that I've survived more than i thought. Gah, messed up head

OP posts:
BUMPITlicious · 03/12/2009 19:13

Does the label of it make you feel worse, or is it just that you have realised that he was out of order and that his behaviour isn't part of a normal relationship?

Sorry you have had to go through all this. You don't have any contact with him now do you?

ginnny · 03/12/2009 20:02

But the fact is that you did survive and you got away from him.
It is a tough thing to come to terms with and you must give yourself time to get your head around it (are you having any counselling as part of the programme?)
It is frightening what becomes 'normal' in an abusive relationship, its only after you have escaped that you realise that it isn't anywhere normal, but that is the way they control you, by making you doubt your own mind.
You are free of the abuse now and you have been amazingly brave. Think of how far you have come and how much stronger you are now.

ginnny · 03/12/2009 20:03
  • anywhere near normal. oops!!
Original poster
Ready4anothercoffee · 03/12/2009 22:48

I'm not sure t be honest. The label in itself is upsetting, but I think it is the memories that have been dredged up that is upsetting me more. I guess i was being quite blase- of the dominator aspects I thought he didn't really fit this one, and I am really coming to terms wit he fact that that elationship was totally flawed, and with hindsight the warning signs were there all along 0rom the beginning. I just feel totally sick, i want o scrub my mouth with bleach

OP posts:
Original poster
Ready4anothercoffee · 03/12/2009 22:50

Bumpti, the children see him at a contact centre evry 2nd and 4th sat. Potentially i see him, risk him catching up with me, risk him stalking me everytime. Eventually contact will not be through the contact centre and i don't know what i'll do.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 04/12/2009 09:39

Actually, R4AC, you should feel even prouder of yourself for coming through so much. You've been through even more and have come out the other side......

Scrubbing your mouth out with bleach won't do anything, but being kinder to yourself will.....

Cross every bridge when you get to it, don't scare yourself before it's time....

autumnlight · 04/12/2009 10:00

Unfotunately, I have had the same experience. Forced or manipulated with sex - all just to do with control, not love. Very hurtful. Well done for getting out.

newnamenewlife · 04/12/2009 10:05

R4AC - Ok what you have lived with has a different name today - BUT you should be so proud of yourself, you are confronting just how horrible it all was. BUT you are confronting this knowing you were strong enough to get yourself and your children out. I have so much admiration for you.

Don't worry about access arrangements this week - just tell yourself how fantastic you are and maybe let yourself be a little sad for the woman you were when younger. She had a really tough time, allow yourself to be proud of moving on.

Bleach!!! Bloody hell woman if I could I would provide champagne!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/12/2009 10:43

I am very for your experiences. Forgive my ignorance, but isn't it possible to prosecute someone for rape within marriage. I think I remember it becoming against the law some time ago.

Original poster
Ready4anothercoffee · 04/12/2009 13:57

Tough night. Thank you for your kindness, i love the way mn helps one feel less alone. I know the strength of these feeling will pass as I mull over them, sort through them, but atm i am struggling. I chewed my support workers ear off today fo an hour and feel a bit better, but i can still feel him in my mouth, i feel physically sick at the idea of eating.

on the plus side, it is all in the past. We are out, safe.

OP posts:
dittany · 04/12/2009 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RorysRacingReindeer · 04/12/2009 14:13

Sorry to hear your experiences R4AC. Well done for leaving him. He doesn't deserve you.

And Dittany - i like the water/purification idea.

cestlavielife · 04/12/2009 14:17

ugh horrible., but well done for getting away and follwing the programme.

re: "the children see him at a contact centre evry 2nd and 4th sat. Potentially i see him, risk him catching up with me, risk him stalking me everytime. Eventually contact will not be through the contact centre and i don't know what i'll do."

gone thru this - pressure to move otu of contact centre - but cafcass recommended supervised contact "by an appropriate adult agreed to by both aprties" and that collection of dcs and drop of be done bythat peron and decidedly not at my home.

that was included in court order.

so evn tho it will likely move out of court order you can ensure it a) supervised b) hadnovers done by third party.

queenofdenial2009 · 04/12/2009 17:52

R4AC, the same happened to me as well. It's a hard subject to talk about, but I hope you can see that (unfortunately) it's pretty common. It is all about control, it's actually not about you at all and that in itself is hard.

Dittany makes a good point and I would think about having some kind of ritual or process where you cleanse or take it out of your body. It's over and you can now come to terms with it and put it behind you.

Do not be pressurised in moving on from the contact centre until you feel ready. It's about you taking back the control and putting in some boundaries, use the law to help you.

MABS · 04/12/2009 18:20

take care x

Original poster
Ready4anothercoffee · 05/12/2009 08:53

It is so sad that there are so many women this has happened to. I find it very sad that the refuge here is nearly always full.

slowly my mind is accepting. I still feel filthy, and still cannot put anything in my mouth. I last had a meal wed night and snacked on few jaffa cakes during freedom thurs morn, so it'been over 48 hours since I ate- this isn't me, normally i'm cnstantly snacking. Bastard.

right, i'm off to clean my teeth, again

OP posts:
dittany · 05/12/2009 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ready4anothercoffee · 06/12/2009 09:11

Thankyou for the links Dittany, i went onto the aphrodite wounded site, and stayed there! Will look at rpae crisis when i feel ready. Managed a small portion of stir fry and a pack of the dcs pom bears , so I slowly getting there, i guess i just had to let the whole range of emotions flow.

wrt support, i have my worker at the refuge here, and I shall see her wed, and see the others if i'm struggling before +lus there's 2 others in the bit I'm in... Will be ok, just need time.

OP posts:
sorryimlate · 06/12/2009 09:59

Keep going with all the things you're doing (except not eating!) and it will get better. It must be awful for you.... I also like the healing ritual with the water idea. What a horrible man. You can always say that you don't feel safe seeing him without a mediator you know. Nobody would put you in a position that you are that uncomfortable in.

You're very brave! (Pom bears are YUM)

dittany · 06/12/2009 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

newnamenewlife · 07/12/2009 09:12

Monday morning - good morning ready!

Have that coffee, look at your beautiful kids and feel so proud of yourself. It must have been a dreadful week (although probably not as bad as it would have been if your had not got away form your marriage).

This week is a new one. Chat to as many nice people as you can, not necessarily about your tough times, but just to remember how many friends you have in your mobile.

Could you meet someone for lunch, a sandwich for Tescos, anything, and start building some good 'in your mouth' memories?

I really really hope this week is a good one.