I have realised today that my husband raped me many times during my marriage :-(

[Ready4anothercoffee]

I began doing the freedom programme when I left him, and went to a refuge. today we did the sexual controller, and I have had to realise that all the times I gave in for a quiet life, woke up to find him 'sticking it in' said no then relented because he made me feel so guilty, accepted the 'apology' because he said he felt so guilty about hitting me. All these occasions and many more technically count as rape. I just want to scrub my teeth and fanjo

Good evening!

thank you for your message NNNL, today is getting bck to normal, felt so much better after church yesterday, i was sat and offered all the pain up, it just felt right. So I'm getting there, the horror of acknowledgement is fading. And we are out of there, on fri we'll have been out for 6 mths! Think that'll need celebrating...

Off to lunch tomorrow, and I see my key worker wed, so that'll be another chance to talk everything over.

Good evening!

thank you for your message NNNL, today is getting bck to normal, felt so much better after church yesterday, i was sat and offered all the pain up, it just felt right. So I'm getting there, the horror of acknowledgement is fading. And we are out of there, on fri we'll have been out for 6 mths! Think that'll need celebrating...

Off to lunch tomorrow, and I see my key worker wed, so that'll be another chance to talk everything over.

Oops

nasty viscious bastard. He's lost me, he's lost his children. He's about to lose the house after the HA gave him notice as a consequence of my notice. Even so, i believe in karma, his time will come.

Hi Ready
Haven't been on for a bit, so just saw your thread.
How are you feeling now?
I know that Freedom has brought up a lot of emotion for me too - it's made me realise how extensive his control and abuse was, and that's been hard to accept. The fact that I lived with that, put up with that for all too long. I acknowledge he was very sexually controlling - I certainly had no control or say in things, and gave in to having sex, or doing things I hated / wasn't comfortable with many times, though in the end he did almost stop ever coming to me for sex. But I still don't want to label it as rape, even though maybe that's what it could be defined as.

But like you , we're safe from that now

My H has also used sex as a nasty weapon against me. Many, many times of forced sex, often rough, other times just gave in for a quiet life. Hardly ever a nice thing with two people 'making love', being tender and being equal. Now in later years - the control of withholding sex towards me (you may wonder why I would want it with him, anyway!) and telling me I am too old, etc. (I am ten years older than him). Just a different kind of control with sex. Just cruel in a different way.

You don't need bleach or scrubbing, he does. Ph, please remember that the stain stays on him, not on you. I did like dittany's idea of using water, but as long as you remember that you don't need to be purified. Perhaps be clear instead that you are taking well-deserved refreshment, pure water which you deserve and which you have had too little of.

I'm always sorry and angry to hear of anyone who has been hurt in this way, and would also like to stress that when people say how horrible he was, that does not make you stupid or weak or anything bad for being with him. This shame seems to be a really evil side-effect for those who have left an abuser, and I'd really love to eradicate that from the world (along with the abuse, too, obviously)!

Good luck in rebuilding your sense of a sovereign self.

How awful for you, i sympathise, ive experienced the same and the rage and hurt was unbearable. I couldnt get through a day without either ranting or crying about it, i was traumatized.Eventually i went to counselling for the abuse and occasionally the talk would turn to him and his upbringing .

I was furious at this, bollocks to him and his upbringing, this was about me.She also occasionally mentioned forgiveness and this was like a red flag to a bull.

Over the last few months i can see what she means. He is indeed a damaged individual , not i,and i can see why he is like this, and its not my fault.And i can actually say i genuineley feel sorry for him.Another poster was right, the stain is on him, not on you.

Ocasionally i still get moments of rage or tears, perhaps once a month instead of twice every 10 minuites, and now its more of a greiving for what happened instead of the agony i once used to feel.

It will pass, and well done to you for getting away from him. Anyone whos had this knows what it takes to get away, you should be proud of yourself, what an acheivement !

I cannot express in words what I want to say other than you have been so brave and have survived.

to you. The pain and disgust will pass, honestly.

OGOL, hello! It's tough, still, even when you know you're safe. Freedom is still trhowing up memories, and I'm still struggling to deal with the flashbacks. The last few days have been very hard.

I had an assessment following my referral for counselling, and have been told it sounds like I have PTSD. The label does fit, from what I know

I don't feel dirty. I more want to scrub away the feel of him, iygwim. Last night I was trying to go to sleep (i like to sleep flat on my front)...

...(Blardy mobile!) and everytme i tried to settle I could feel him, the way he'd just climb on my back, and make his way in.

I guess I still don't feel my body is mine, i still feel all the invisible points of physical contact.