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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have that suspcious feeling... surely not? This is long

37 replies

SimplySuspicious · 03/12/2009 14:46

DH and I have been having problems for a while.

I'm pregnant at the moment. When I was pregnant with DS, DH wrapped me in cotton wool. This time he doesn't seem to give a shit.

Don't get me wrong, he cares about the baby. Just doesn't seem to care about me. I was in hospital last night and when he contacted me it was purely to see what was happening with the baby. He didn't seem to have any regard for how I might feel. I was worried about DS as he was staying with MIL who is horrible and I was missing him like mad.

Today, DH came to pick me up and went on and on about how nakered he was. I said I was, too considering it was me who'd been up worrying and having tests at regular intervals all night, woke up early in the morning for more blood tests and literally the most stressed I've been in my life. The stress is down to him putting pressure on me all the time, problems at work and worries over our baby as we thought that last that bump wasn't going to make it. I know I'm not the only person to experience this- everyone on the ward was in the same boat and we were all a similar number of weeks. But it was, and still is, terrifying. We don't know exactly what's what yet.

The past few weeks we're both working 5 days a week and looking after DS, then I have work to do outside of work. I'm very run down and if I ask for anything like a drink he starts stomping around saying I treat him as a slave.

The day before last, I worked 9-6 and he worked 9-4. Then he shouted at me as I hadn't done the washing. When I said I'd been at work he said 'bullshit, you get loads of breaks'. I hadn't even had a dinner break.

He's been mentioning the name of a girl at work a few times. Yesterday he said not to put something on facebook as she looks at my page. I said it was private and he said 'yes but she can see what you say to other people'. I asked how he knew and he said that she'd said 'your girlfriend (I'm his wife- she knows this as she looked at our wedding pics on facebook.. weird or what?) is actually bonny isn't she?' Why would she say that?

He's maintained that he works with one man on his department and this man rings/texts all evening when he gets home. He rarely answers and when he does he often goes out of the room.

The other day he slipped up and said something about a woman who works in their department with them. He has NEVER mentioned this name before or since. It is a very unusual name so I would have remembered. I always ask him about work to show an interest.

I had to go into his work last week and he got embarressed and criticised what I was wearing. He makes out none of them at work get on but when I went in they were all laughing and joking together. He says hardly any women work there and there was loads of women. There's one lady who works late when he does and he's always said she was old. She was about his age.

He's funny about his phone.

We haven't had decent sex since we'd been together about 4 or 5 months and I got pregnant with DS. We had sex the odd time to get pregnant with this one, but it seemed like a chore for him. We haven't had sex since I got pregnant. Yet he has slept with over 400 women before we got together and had a 5 year relationship which he complained that he always wanted sex and she wouldn't give him enough.

Lately he's shouting at me all the time saying he's had enough of me and not to tempt him to leave. Today he was calling me a 'fucking bitch' when I've just got out of hospital and been told not to get too stressed.

Last night when I was in hospital, he txt me saying he couldn't sleep. Then when he got to the hospital he said he'd had one of his mates round. He knows I wouldn't like this- obviously as I was stuck in hospital worrying. They played on PS3 and watched a film. This mate then sent me a message on facebook telling me to tell DH if he needs anything to give him a ring. Why say that when he'd been at ours that night?

He keeps going to this mates house and says he won't be long but he is. I just wonder if this mate is covering something up.

He keeps accusing me of cheating when I'm not, too.

There's even more but this is getting long. This is just a list of my suspicions so obviously it's not going to sound good. It's not all bad. We do love each other and have a laugh together.

OP posts:
bintofbohemia · 03/12/2009 14:51

Sorry to hear you're going through this, but it doesn't sound great, no. He called you a fucking bitch when you just got out of hospital? Doesnt' sound like he's respecting you at all, you need to give him a serious arse kicking and try to get to the bottom of it. It's hard enough being pregnant without that kind of aggro. Hope you get it sorted.

AbricotsSecs · 03/12/2009 14:55

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expatinscotland · 03/12/2009 14:58

I'd pack his bags, tbh.

The second he called me a fucking bitch when I'd just got out of the hospital would be the second our relationship was over.

Carrotfly · 03/12/2009 15:01

This is not something you should have to put up with at all.

Doesnt sound good to me tbh.

cheerfulvicky · 03/12/2009 15:09

With expat on this. It's also irrelevant whether he's cheating or not: he's crossed the line. Sorry but it sounds there's something really wrong here with your relationship. Do you have a counsellor or RL friends who you can talk to about this?

cestlavielife · 03/12/2009 15:14

"Lately he's shouting at me all the time saying he's had enough of me and not to tempt him to leave. Today he was calling me a 'fucking bitch' "

then

"We do love each other and have a laugh together"

doesnt sound much fun to me....

call his bluff, ask him to leave til he has calmed down.

HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy · 03/12/2009 15:16

400 women

now back to read rest of your post.

HugeBaublesWhatDidISayRoy · 03/12/2009 15:17

well i am that he managed to sleep with 400 women and also have a 5 year relationship. Is he 150 years old?

My god, i just cannot get over that.,

Now going to think of a response

SimplySuspicious · 03/12/2009 15:23

Huge- he was in the army and started very young. But it does mean a lot of jealous, bitchy girls for me to contend with. His ex was also a model. Way more beautiful than me.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/12/2009 15:41

And she probably dumped him because he sounds like he's a terribly ugly person inside

Who cares how many women he had or how beautiful they are on the outside?

He's married to you, and he sounds like a verbally abusive git you're better off not married to.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/12/2009 15:54

Whether he's playing away seems the least of your problems - he sounds bloody awful frankly. Selfish, a fantasist (400 women my arse - maybe he's including sex workers, if he's been in the army) and cruel. I'm so sorry you're going through this while pregnant, but the warning bells about this abusive man are ringing loud and clear.

PotPourri · 03/12/2009 16:03

Sounds terrible. You really don't need this. Can your mum or sister come and stay with you to help with DC? And I think you need to ask him to leave. Maybe not permanently, but certainly for now.

He should not speak to you like that
It sounds suspicious the way he is taking phone calls in private and working late/staying at mates
And someone who slept with 400 people but doesn't want to with you doesn't add up. I am guessing he is getting it somewhere else

So sorry that you are going through this while pregnant - I really feel for you. You need to get some RL support around you right now

ladylush · 03/12/2009 16:09

Tbh the worry about fidelity would be further down my worry list than the way he is talking to you. How dare he

GypsyMoth · 03/12/2009 16:20

Facebook again!!!

AboardtheAxiom · 03/12/2009 16:27

at him calling you a fucking bitch! It sounds to me like he is also regularly lying to you and others (friends, colleagues, people on facebook).

The swearing/shouting at you in itself is horrid and totally unacceptable. Also IME, people who accuse their significant other of cheating are usually judging by their own low moral standards and are themselves cheaters. Sorry.

Hassled · 03/12/2009 16:31

Well he might or might not be shagging around, and to be brutally frank I'd say he's certainly trying to, but even if he isn't he's still treating you pretty badly. There doesn't seem to be much love or respect coming from him. I'm sorry - it sounds like you're having a hell of a rough time of it.

HinnyPet · 03/12/2009 16:39

He sounds like he's trying to get you to make a decision to end it with him, by acting like a devious little shite.

Thus you get the blame.

HappyWoman · 03/12/2009 16:55

reading that i almost hope there is someone else to take him off your hands.

No-one should ever be spoken to like that - and the reason he does it is because he can.

Work on your own self-esteem and then you will see what a total loser he is.

tiredoftherain · 03/12/2009 20:16

Simply, I'm so sorry but a lot of this is ringing bells with me. H was exactly the same about my FB page, I had no idea why he was so bothered at the time. Ironically, that's how I caught him with OW in the end, she updated her status while out on a date with him. Not the brightest, clearly..

The suspicious phone activity is also a massive red flag ime.

I'm so sorry, this must be horrible for you, please let people around you help, and start to mentally prepare that you might need to face a difficult truth soon. He is probably feel guilty somewhere deep down, and the horrid behaviour is transference. It's very unfair, but very typical it seems.

anothermum92 · 03/12/2009 21:42

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EcoMouse · 04/12/2009 08:42

Very similar patterns of behaviour to my X, who had an affair, while I was pregnant.

...Even down to abuse following a day of tests and worry in hospital. Even down to moaning about how tired he was! Quite uncanny.

Post whatever you want on his FB wall or anyone else's! In his response (or other peoples) you might well find out the truth.

I say this because, following finding out myself, I came to realise part of what had allowed my X to get away with it for so long was that despite the fact we were long term partners, among a certain sect of his social group, our children and I were his best kept secret.

Again, from experience I would suggest visiting your local GUM clinic asap. Men who do shag around, particularly when their partners are pregnant, are not men who care and certainly not enough to protct their partner and baby in a practical sense either.

It doesn't mean he is but IMO, yes, he probably is although I agree with the others, his treatment of you is absolutely vile either way.

Malificence · 04/12/2009 09:32

Ecomouse, that's absolutely heartbreaking and a stark warning to the OP.

Whatever the truth behind his behaviour is, his attitude towards her is vile, no other word for it.

Kick him out.

LovestheChaos · 04/12/2009 11:08

When men are having affairs (or want to have an affair) they get very nasty towards their wives. They resent her for being in the way of what he wants to do with his dick and they want to cast her in a bad light so they can justify any bad behaviour. Why else would he call his pregnant wife who just came out of hospital "a fucking bitch"?

The wife could find a cure for cancer and the other woman could torture and kill puppies but the man will magnify any negative attributes of the wife and ignore any bad in the ow.

They can't actually admit to themselves or anyone else that they are controlled by their dicks and that this is causing them to be horrible and destructive to their wife/family at a time when they need his support the most. They view it as a "my wife drove me to cheat" type of scenario.

What really kills me is when guys like this say that they love their children. A person who loved their children would never treat their children's mother this way. These guys simply love whatever it is that is new on their willy.

I am sorry OP but you don't deserve this kind of treatment. Hopefully he is just stressed and not dealing with it well. But it doesn't sound good.

LovestheChaos · 04/12/2009 11:11

Second the poster who said to check out the GUM clinic, Chlamydia has no obvious symptoms whatsoever but will do extreme damage to a pregnant women's reproductive organs and her baby as well. And it does it silently.

Sorry OP.

Miggsie · 04/12/2009 12:06

OP...how dreadful for you.

I'm afraid I agree with the other posters who say this is classic man blaming woman for his bad behaviour tactics.

His treatment of you is appalling and if you stayed together it owuld likely get worse.

The 400 women thing is, well, I cannot actually articulate what a hurtful and inappropriate comment that is to make to your wife, unless of course, you are not a nice man.