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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I have that suspcious feeling... surely not? This is long

37 replies

SimplySuspicious · 03/12/2009 14:46

DH and I have been having problems for a while.

I'm pregnant at the moment. When I was pregnant with DS, DH wrapped me in cotton wool. This time he doesn't seem to give a shit.

Don't get me wrong, he cares about the baby. Just doesn't seem to care about me. I was in hospital last night and when he contacted me it was purely to see what was happening with the baby. He didn't seem to have any regard for how I might feel. I was worried about DS as he was staying with MIL who is horrible and I was missing him like mad.

Today, DH came to pick me up and went on and on about how nakered he was. I said I was, too considering it was me who'd been up worrying and having tests at regular intervals all night, woke up early in the morning for more blood tests and literally the most stressed I've been in my life. The stress is down to him putting pressure on me all the time, problems at work and worries over our baby as we thought that last that bump wasn't going to make it. I know I'm not the only person to experience this- everyone on the ward was in the same boat and we were all a similar number of weeks. But it was, and still is, terrifying. We don't know exactly what's what yet.

The past few weeks we're both working 5 days a week and looking after DS, then I have work to do outside of work. I'm very run down and if I ask for anything like a drink he starts stomping around saying I treat him as a slave.

The day before last, I worked 9-6 and he worked 9-4. Then he shouted at me as I hadn't done the washing. When I said I'd been at work he said 'bullshit, you get loads of breaks'. I hadn't even had a dinner break.

He's been mentioning the name of a girl at work a few times. Yesterday he said not to put something on facebook as she looks at my page. I said it was private and he said 'yes but she can see what you say to other people'. I asked how he knew and he said that she'd said 'your girlfriend (I'm his wife- she knows this as she looked at our wedding pics on facebook.. weird or what?) is actually bonny isn't she?' Why would she say that?

He's maintained that he works with one man on his department and this man rings/texts all evening when he gets home. He rarely answers and when he does he often goes out of the room.

The other day he slipped up and said something about a woman who works in their department with them. He has NEVER mentioned this name before or since. It is a very unusual name so I would have remembered. I always ask him about work to show an interest.

I had to go into his work last week and he got embarressed and criticised what I was wearing. He makes out none of them at work get on but when I went in they were all laughing and joking together. He says hardly any women work there and there was loads of women. There's one lady who works late when he does and he's always said she was old. She was about his age.

He's funny about his phone.

We haven't had decent sex since we'd been together about 4 or 5 months and I got pregnant with DS. We had sex the odd time to get pregnant with this one, but it seemed like a chore for him. We haven't had sex since I got pregnant. Yet he has slept with over 400 women before we got together and had a 5 year relationship which he complained that he always wanted sex and she wouldn't give him enough.

Lately he's shouting at me all the time saying he's had enough of me and not to tempt him to leave. Today he was calling me a 'fucking bitch' when I've just got out of hospital and been told not to get too stressed.

Last night when I was in hospital, he txt me saying he couldn't sleep. Then when he got to the hospital he said he'd had one of his mates round. He knows I wouldn't like this- obviously as I was stuck in hospital worrying. They played on PS3 and watched a film. This mate then sent me a message on facebook telling me to tell DH if he needs anything to give him a ring. Why say that when he'd been at ours that night?

He keeps going to this mates house and says he won't be long but he is. I just wonder if this mate is covering something up.

He keeps accusing me of cheating when I'm not, too.

There's even more but this is getting long. This is just a list of my suspicions so obviously it's not going to sound good. It's not all bad. We do love each other and have a laugh together.

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 04/12/2009 14:26

Ow. I'm well aboard with AboardtheAxiom on the point that people who accuse others are cheating are those who fear this (or know this) in themselves.

The personal attacks are of a piece with someone preparing the ground to get out. He's already dubbed you a girlfriend rather than a wife, so the workd around will not realise how much responsibility he is dumping.

As for your comment - "It's not all bad. We do love each other and have a laugh together." - it came at the end of a list of things which do really outbalance a feeble "laugh together" (that's the sort of thing one says about a pub mate!).

I'm very sorry I am speaking so harshly, but the way you have written seems to indicate you want to hear your own judgement (it's in your posts, despite the "laugh" disclaimer) echoed back to you, and that is what seems to be happening on this thread.

However, it's also worth stressing that you mustn't feel as though we are getting at you for being stupid, 'for putting up with/not seeing that this is unacceptable behaviour'. Everyone has had some experience of being wronged, and out of all the negative emotions surrounding this, the easiest one to get rid of, and perhaps the most important one, is "How could I have been so naive?". You have been acting in good faith. That is not something to be ashamed of. Keep that faith in yourself.

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 04/12/2009 14:34

Agree with others. An affair might be the best outcome - worst is he continues treating you like shit, lying to you, barking orders at you, demanding you do everything around the house even though you're working as many hours if not more than he does. He really doesn't sound like a catch - do you believe that he might change? Treat you with some (any) respect? Would you go to Relate or similar?

Please do think carefully about what you want and what you can expect from this man. Bottom line is, he needs to start treating you with respect, especially as your DS may well start copying his behaviour as he gets older...

teameric · 04/12/2009 14:55

Totally agree with wingedvictory. My ex (DS's dad) started getting very nasty with me just before he ended our relationship (My DS had just turned 1) I'd had a lot of suspicions about stuff but thought we loved each other. Obviously not. 3 months after we broke up he told me he was living with someone else (his now wife) and that they had just met (yeah right). But he did me a favour really as I'm now married to my gorgeous DH (DD's Dad). Me and ex have stayed friends cos of DS. I'm not saying this is the case in your situation but no it dosn't look good, but do you really want to be with someone who treats you like this? Hope things get sorted out for you soon, and big unMN hugs from me.

AboardtheAxiom · 04/12/2009 16:03

Hope you are okay OP, and that you and the baby are well.

SimplySuspicious · 04/12/2009 16:56

Well the 400 women thing wasn't a 'comment'. We were friends before we got together and I knew how many people he'd been with. His friends are all shaggers so to speak but he was a real lads lad and a ladies man and he was known for getting with a lot of women, etc. He also cheated on his ex a lot but she cheated on him more so they were as bad as each other.

I often ask if he's cheating and he gets upset that I don't trust him. But lately I feel like something's changed. It could be because I'm depressed I suppose.

He often says he wants to change his job but he doesn't say why and I think is she hasseling you today? IYKWIM.

Then other times I think I'm utterly demented. Tonight he's making tea, waiting on me hand and foot and sending me to bed early with a DVD and hot choc as he said he's disgusted with the way he's treated me lately and he wants to help.

But last night we rowed and he threw stuff (not at me- he's never been physically abusive) and I slept on the couch. He pestered and pestered me until I went to bed as he wouldn't have me sleep on the couch. I was actually more comfy there than I am in bed if I'm honest.

He's sleep deprived and stressed but so am I!

If he's not cheating, it's a bad patch and we'll work out, we've had bad patches before and the happy, fluffy, life is amazing times outweigh the bad patches by far. But the bad patches hurt and stick with me. If he is cheating, it's over.

When we first got together he used to speak to other girls from our town on the internet and I only found this out after DS was born. He would still have been doing that whilst we were engaged. I've never really confronted my own thoughts on that other than to think 'well at least he was honest when I asked'.I don't know who these girls are and I want to know but could never find out.

He's a good provider, a good dad, usually a perfect husband and my family love him.

If he is cheating, who do you think it is with? Someone at work? Someone else? Is everyone laughing at me?

When we fell out last night I heard him say 'right' under his breath and start texting someone. I ignored it.

What other signs would there be? I'm sure there's plenty of signs right under my nose.

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 04/12/2009 16:57

teameric, thanks for the name-check, but it's not something I'd like to be right about... [sigh]

Chin up, SimplySuspicious.

SimplySuspicious · 04/12/2009 16:58

Oh and another bit's just slotted in. I had a look on the account he used to speak to other women on and it had a recent date on it (this was about a year ago) so I kicked up a stink and he deleted it straight away and said he'd only gone on to try to delete it but didn't know how.

Since then he has the internet on his phone so he could have set up an e-mail or something that I don't know about I guess.

But maybe that's a bit far fetched.

OP posts:
SimplySuspicious · 04/12/2009 17:26

Is no one about tonight

OP posts:
countingto10 · 04/12/2009 17:34

Simply, there's not a lot I can say, my DH had an affair 7/8 months ago - we are still together after 4 months of Relate. Your H is/has behaved appallingly towards as did my H during his affair, he was absolutely vile to me. I'm not sure how you should proceed, sit him down for an honest heart to heart ? suggest Relate ?

Get him to show you all his emails, phone (s), facebook a/cs etc - a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. How he reacts to these requests should give you the answers you need. How you proceed from there is your decision (and yours alone).

Good luck.

FabIsVeryHappy · 04/12/2009 17:41

You are his wife. You are the mother of his child and carrying his new baby. He should be worshipping the ground you walk on, not calling you a fucking bitch. If you let this go you are giving him permission to carry on treating you like crap.

teameric · 05/12/2009 10:59

I wouldn't like to be right about it either Wingedvictory
How are you today SimplySuspicious?

WingedVictory · 05/12/2009 21:23

Yeah, it's not pleasant, is it? I hope you're all right this evening, SimplySuspicious?

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