Have I said the right thing to DH?

[mampam]

I'm sorry but this is another thread about inlaws. I have posted about them on here in the past. To give you a bit of back ground:

We used to rent a house next door to ILs (owned by them). Needless to say we didn't get on living in close proximity, with MIL doing everything she could to get rid of me and ended with FIL shouting at me and calling me names when DH told his parents we were moving out. FIL refused to apologise for his outburst. 4 months later DH and I got married and ILs ignored me all day and FIL wouldn't stand near me when having photo's taken. This all happened nearly 3 years ago and in that time we haven't had much to do with them. ILs have even walked in the opposite direction when I've crossed over the street to the same side as them.

There are lots of other things but too long to list. Needless to say they are the classic examples of Toxic parents/ILs and have even stooped so low as to tell DH's grandparents (who live 300 miles away and know no different) that FIL had had a serious operation on the tendons in his arm, knowing that they would tell DH. The funny thing was we saw FIL riding his motorbike the day after the supposed operation. Surely he wouldn't be able to ride a bike after an operation on the tendons in your arm???
This is one of many illnesses IL's have supposedly had, there have been heart conditions, possible leg amputations, nervous breakdowns to name but a few, all told to DH by members of his family who live hundreds of miles away.

All DH has ever wanted from his parents is an apology for the way they have behaved towards us (especially at our wedding) and has given them opportunity after opportunity and low and behold...nothing!

I am now pregnant and we have both agreed that DH should at least let his parents know, for one thing they won't be able to play the victims to the rest of DH's family as they are so good at doing.

I have however said to DH that personally, am very wary(sp?) of having anything to do with them again(I have always let DH know that I have no problem with him having a relationship with his parents). I nearly had a breakdown when we lived next door to them and don't want to leave myself open to that kind of bullying again. DH understands this and totally agrees.

I have also said to him to think very carefully about what sort, if any, kind of a relationship he wants with his parents and not to get his hopes up because I don't think they will ever give him the apology that he so wants from them. By telling them that we are having a baby may open up the channels of communication again. I have told him to be on his guard bearing in mind how manipulative they are and not to expect too much, that way he won't be dissappointed and that I will support him with whatever he decides to do.

Have I said the right things?? Is there anything that you think I could add?? DH is currently thinking over how he is going to tell them.

perhaps he could write to them, setting out the good news (congratulations by the way!!) and saying that he would be happy to see this as a fresh start for all concerned but that there would have to be no repeat of past behaviours on their part and that the mother of his child must be treated with respect. Either they accept that and prove it in their actions or they don't. Up to them.

If I were you I would have nothing to do with them and nor would my child be placed in a postion where they could be manipulated by them.

What the hell do they have against you? or are they just barking mad?

I think they are both barking tbh. DH is an only child which to me makes it worse because it seems their hatred of me comes before their relationship with their son.

I have suggested to DH to send his parents a Christmas card (something we don't normally do) and write it in there.

DH has told them before that he won't tolerate their behaviour towards me, they agreed to buck their ideas up. We bumped into FIL once, ages ago, and he was as nice as pie to me in front of DH and the next time I saw him he gave me a filthy look and ignored me. (this is just one example of many).

This infuriated DH, for them to think that he is that stupid he wouldn't see through them. This was one of the reasons he severed all ties with them to begin with.

mampam,

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think you actually said the right things to your H re his parents. I remember your previous postings re these people, all their behaviours are typical of the types of things these "toxic" people do.

Did your H ever read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward?. If not this may be a good starting point for him now as is counselling.

Writing them a letter may be helpful (do they have your current address?. If not do not give this nor your phone number) but I think the concept of a "fresh start" won't go down at all well with them because they at heart feel they have and continue to do nothing "wrong" towards you both. Actually they are both best avoiding completely - you would not let a friend treat you in such a manner so why should parents be given any different treatment?.

Do you really want to let these people potentially back in to your lives in any way after all they have done to both of you?.

I also think that if your husband ultimately wants an apology from these people he will remain sorely disappointed. Such toxic people never take any responsibility for their actions let alone apologise for them. Toxic parents as well can become just as bloody awful as well as grandparents; they are often more than happy to let their problems affect the next generation and they could well go onto manipulate their grandson/granddaughter. You will both need to remain careful and wary re them and continue to establish clear emotional boundaries. At least now there is physical distance between you and they; living next door to them was certainly a recipe for disaster. This is still about power and control.

mampam

It sounds like his parents never wanted him to grow up and have a life of his own. They wanted to control him for the rest of his days.

They would have acted the same regardless of whom your DH married; it is the fact that he has managed to break away from their malign influence that gnaws away at them and eats them up inside. But that is their problem not yours, they have actively chosen to behave this way.

Hi Attila

Hi I think ultimitely you're right with everything you say about DH's parents. To be honest I truly believe that the reason DH would wants to tell them about us having a baby is to stop the rest of his family getting on his case about it. ILs have obviously fed the rest of their family a pack of lies about the situation and DH's grandparents in particular have been taken in by every single word. DH has received emails from his grandparents blaming everything on me. It's like they all believe that I influence DH and have turned him against them when in actual fact they have done that all by themselves.

They will not listen to DH's side of things. Because DH won't have anything to do with his parents they set about trying to manipulate him through other members of the family, by the things they tell them, knowing they will then get on to DH about it ie the nervous breakdown, heart problems etc, trying to make DH feel guilty.

It seems these tactics have worked as DH wants to tell them about my pregnancy so as there won't be any repercussions from other members of his family but his parents have got what they wanted as DH will get in contact with them again. IYSWIM?

So, what if he sent a "family email" to his parents and grandparents and any another significant relatives telling them all the good news together? perhaps with a scan picture attached if/when you have one?

That way he will be seen to have done the right thing; his parents won't be able to manipulate the facts because it will be there in black and white for all to see but you will not be inviting them to do anything while he will be making it clear that he and his wife are going to maintain their united front.

I know its an odd way to announce a pregnancy to close relatives but these are not normal circumstances, this is a happy time, they mustn't be allowed to spoil it and and you must, above all, protect your family unit from their malign influence..

Yes just send everyone the same Chritmas News Letter and send them one too.

Cargirl, that's what we were thinking. Sending a Christmas card and everyone has the same thing written in it.

MrsBoogie, we don't know his parents email address and after DH kept getting stupid emails from his grandparents (the last one being a sketch depicting FIL comforting MIL and another of FIL being kicked in the privates as if it was DH who was doing the kicking!) DH has changed his email address (and his mobile phone number due to harrassing phone calls/texts from his parents and grandparents).

Just to add, it has ultimitely got to be DH's decision. I'm really wary of forcing my opinion onto him and then that makes me everything that his parents and grandparents think I am doesn't it??

Does he really want an apology? Or just for things to change from now on?

If the latter, is it possible that the baby may change things anyway?

my good god but they are creative in their toxicity aren't they??

do the card thing - then emigrate!

I think deep down DH does want an apology from them yes. He has had a half hearted apology from his mother before. He sent her a message saying that if she was never going to apologise then just to leave him alone (instead of hounding him with texts etc) she phoned and left a message saying that she was 'sorry for whatever'.

DH is never going to get the apology that he so wants, I'm sure of that. I truly believe that ILs really do not think that they have done anything wrong, they have certainly convinced the grandparents they haven't. Grandparents say things to DH like "isn't it about time you stopped this stupidity" which they obviously don't realise that infuriates DH even more. They try and justify their behaviour towards me by saying things like "MILs parents didn't like FIL when they first met". DH and I have been together for over 4 years and have been married for just over 2.

DH has never been very good at standing up to his parents face to face, it's easier for him to keep his distance and have nothing to do with them IYSWIM?

I'm scared that once they know I'm pregnant they will see it as a green light to try and weedle their way back into our lives. They haven't changed and are still as manipulative as ever and I don't want them to start driving that wedge between us again. I can't deal with that not whilst I'm pregnant.

they are fucking insane.

i wouldn' tell them

my view is they lost this right with their frankly weird behaviour.

sketches on e-mail from granparents.

lies about operations.

dear lord. keep your family safe - and don't bother with them, they are mad

Custardo talks a lot of sense. As always.

I would be terrified that they would use the baby as a way to get back in and yet they haven't acknowledged or apologised for past behaviours.

And yet they will use not telling them as a stick to beat you both with too.

It seems like you can't win.

Buda, it does seem that we are doomed no matter what we do. If we tell them we run the risk of them trying to weedle their way back in and if we don't we (again) look like, to the rest of the family, we are the awful ones in all of this. ILs are extremely good at playing the victims.

Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

Custardo, the rest of the family have no idea they are being used as pawns. They have no reason to doubt what ILs say, ILs can get away with lying about things because the family all live hundreds of miles away so aren't going to catch them out like we did with FIL on his bike the day after the supposed operation!!!

Extended family need to be told exactly what is going on. Then it is up to them who they choose to believe. Even if initially they believe ILs it will all come out in the end. These things always do.

i would withdraw myself from the whole family.

believe me when i say that sometimes engaging in this eastender esq drama is tempting, once your child or children start taking most of your time and space and emotions, you will feel dragged under, pulled by this family that are mad.

so dont'speak to them, do not contact grandparents if they behave like this. 'they are old' is not an excuse.

am telling you girl, put your foot down right now - with regards to the way that people treat you.

My FIL is like this and had a major sulk last year and didn't send DD a birthday card. DH got back in touch with FIL after about 12 months and FIL begged to see DD again and I said no, however after much wearing down by DH i relented and said that he could see her but only if DH was with her (supervised visits).

FIL cannot be trusted with her as comparisons have been made in the past with DH stepsisters son and other nasty things said about DD in the past (she is apparently difficult)

They might hurt your child and upset him/her as she gets older, please don't let them back into you life!!!!!!!!!!

Buda, grandparents have been told what ILs have done but they make excuses for them and I don't really think they believe it TBH.

Custardo, DH did withdraw from Grandparents after the email of sketches incident but he doesn't have a very big family and felt incredibly lonely so he got back in contact with them (and this was after they were holidaying in our part of the country and turned up at our house during the day when DH was at work and I had Grandmother begging me for DH to give her a call because 'she just wants to hear his voice'. This is the same woman who has written to me in part of a letter addressed to DH for me to 'spare some of DH's love for the rest of his family').

I have put my foot down with regards to me not having anything to do with ILs. It's up to DH to decide if he wants a relationship with his parents but if he decides he does then is that playing straight into their hands? To get him on his own? To try and manipulate him like they always used to? Maybe I'm not giving DH enough credit here but I know how he doesn't stand up to them like when FIL came into our house (when we lived next door) shouting at me and calling all the names under the sun, DH just sat there and said nothing to his father.

I have had hell with FIL, MIL is ok (they are divorced) but FIL is an evil S of a B!!!

Sorry I get so at post like this as I have been through it. I now do not speak to FIL and haven't for 18 months, DH has begged me to forgive and forget but no way not ever! Mampam stick to your guns chick and do not ever let them near your baby. They will hurt it.

Buda, grandparents have been told what ILs have done but they make excuses for them and I don't really think they believe it TBH.

Custardo, DH did withdraw from Grandparents after the email of sketches incident but he doesn't have a very big family and felt incredibly lonely so he got back in contact with them (and this was after they were holidaying in our part of the country and turned up at our house during the day when DH was at work and I had Grandmother begging me for DH to give her a call because 'she just wants to hear his voice'. This is the same woman who has written to me in part of a letter addressed to DH for me to 'spare some of DH's love for the rest of his family').

I have put my foot down with regards to me not having anything to do with ILs. It's up to DH to decide if he wants a relationship with his parents but if he decides he does then is that playing straight into their hands? To get him on his own? To try and manipulate him like they always used to? Maybe I'm not giving DH enough credit here but I know how he doesn't stand up to them like when FIL came into our house (when we lived next door) shouting at me and calling all the names under the sun, DH just sat there and said nothing to his father.

Sorry, didn't mean to post the same message twice

I agree with what you are saying lighthouse about never letting them see my baby, especially on their own. The reason being that I have 2 DC's from a previous marriage and MIL especially always gave me the impression that she didn't like them. I mean if she doesn't like me, fine, but don't take it out on innocent children.

I once was going to be late home and thought DH was at home but he wasn't so I contacted MIL and asked her if she would be able to stand at the end of the drive and wait for DD to be dropped off the school bus. When I got home and went straight to ILs house to get DD, MIL gave me a strange look and said "she's not here". Basically MIL had met DD off the bus, unlocked our front door and put DD in the house on her own. DD was 6 at the time! Luckily she was quite sensible and went straight to her room to play with her toys.

These people are evil just like my FIL, you poor person, sounds like your DH is a bit more understanding than mine, he and I have endless rows over his father and I now refuse to speak to or even see him, that way he cannot get to me.

If I had my way I would stop all contact with my DD too!

Believe me, DH and I have had endless rows about them in the past. DH didn't believe me when I told him the snide remarks MIL used to say to me when no one else was in earshot, I think he just didn't want to believe his parents were like this. It was only when FIL came slagging me off in front of DC's one evening when I was out that DH snapped into gear and decided that we were moving away from his parent. I'd been begging him for months to move but he'd always said no.

I think our fall down, both DH and I, is that we like to see the good in people and DH can't believe that after 20 odd years of knowing them his parents have turned out like this. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels.

It happens, especially when there is competition involved. FIL has actually admitted he is jealous. It is killing him that he cant get to me to snipe and bitch.

DH and my relationship is better for it, we had 1 major argument not so long ago because her thought that I would cave in and speak to him. I made it clear just how much I hate the man, bit difficult now as DH 40th is coming up and we cant have a party because of FIL, he has upset other members of the family mainly the inlaws of other people because of the jealousy. His brother died last year and after he was buried he had a row with his SIL over the funeral arrangments and doesn't speak to her as a result, he was just looking for an exscuse to have a go. He doesn't like outsiders, I won't stand for his nonsense and now I have control over the amount he sees DD his son and he no longer comes to my house. His loss, he has buggered up big time.

I know that you want to see the good in people and for that you are a good person but some people do not deserve that attitude as they are just pure nasty and evil.