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Original poster

Staying together when one partner has been unfaithful

41 replies

TellItLikeItIs · 03/12/2009 12:56

I would like your honest opinions please.

Can you imagine a scenario where you would agree to stay together for the sake of the children, or losing your family home, lifestyle etc, knowing that your H had been unfaithful, possibly more than once?

Do people really do it, especially in this day and age?

And I don't mean a situation where a partner's affair has been discovered and the couple have agreed to "try again".

OP posts:
dejavuaswell · 03/12/2009 13:13

Err, yes I can.

The longer answer would be so my DH makes a mistake and to "punish" him I make the children suffer?!

If life-long punishment should automatically follow a mistake then count me out.

Tortington · 03/12/2009 13:15

you don't make the children suffer, you show them by example that people don't treat each other this way and that mum deservs happiness too.

my short answer is - only if you believe you can be happy in the long term.

don't for a minute kid yourself that any wordly possessions make up for a miserable childhood where the parents clearly hold grudges.

id rather have shit all and a happy parent

flibertygibet · 03/12/2009 13:24

My father had an affair with another woman when my mum had 4 children under 6.

The affair resulted in a child.

My parents split up for awhile, then got back together. I was born 5 years later.

They have recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary.

My mum now has dementia and my dad is her sole carer.

Somehow, the worked through it. Not for the 'sake of the children' but because they wanted to.

I don't believe that if someone makes a mistake and has an affair, it has to be the end of the marriage. I'm sure it took years for my mum to trust him again, but she did. I've learned a lot from their situation about forgiveness.

They had a passion to be together. And they still are.

LisaD1 · 03/12/2009 13:25

Hmm, I don't think you can answer this unless it happens to you. I've always been very sure that I would leave immediately but I truly love my DH more than anything, he is a fantastic father and we enjoy a very happy homelife, I'm not sure I could walk away if he made a mistake (I would never tell him this! and hope he will never put it to the test). If it were more than one time though or a real affair (with emotional involvement) then I am pretty sure I would call it a day.

Malificence · 03/12/2009 13:29

Being unfaithful, esp. repeatedly, is not a mistake - leaving the front door unlocked is a mistake, leaving the oven on is a mistake, forgeting a birthday is a mistake.

Having sex with someone who is not your partner is a deliberate act of betrayal.

Staying together "for the kids" is the biggest mistake anyone can make - they won't thank you for it one little bit - they would prefer two happy but seperate parents.
All that staying together teaches children is that a person's ( mothers usually ) happiness and self respect is not important.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/12/2009 13:33

I'm pretty sure that people stay with their partners "for the sake of the children" or perhaps even more honestly "because of finances" despite all sorts of problems in the relationship, as well as infidelity. It's a rubbish choice in life though, for the couple and the children.

People delude themselves all the time that children are better off when parents stay together, when all they're doing is showing chidren a rotten example of an adult relationship with no love or intimacy.

Stay because you love and want to forgive, never for any other reason. And if there are other reasons, be honest about what they really are - don't put the responsibility on the poor kids when really, it's your own fear of being independent and standing on your own two feet.

MisSalToeKisses · 03/12/2009 13:37

Yes, I think if the person realised what a big mistake they made, and changed themselves and perhaps their relationship between eachother, it could work out, and potentially for the better.

I know of a couple, where the husband took his wife for granted a little, and where he had an affair. Not sure how it stopped (his realisation or being found out), but I think for the first time ever, he realised that his wife, whilst loving him, won't put up with this and will rather be on her own. Difficult to know all the ins and outs as not something I would ask about, but I've never seen them so happy - and this is 6 years and a baby later. And they treat eachother with respect now.

So my longwinded way to say sometimes something terrible can lead to a better situation, however horrendous it must have been at the time.

dejavuaswell · 03/12/2009 15:16

Sorry Mal I can see where you are coming from but I don't accept your analysis.

"Staying together "for the kids" is the biggest mistake anyone can make - they won't thank you for it one little bit - they would prefer two happy but seperate parents."

It looks to me as if four basic options exist "happy but separate" might be better than "sad but together" but "happy but still together" might be better than either.

"Sad but separate" might be the worst of all worlds.

abedelia · 03/12/2009 15:28

No, I can't. I have forgiven once, but only because the threat of (well actually, temporarily) losing us has made him into a much better person. If I found out it was more than once then I'd immediately walk. I doubt I'd ever speak to him again, bar through the solicitor, and he knows that. The only people I know who have done it are a seriously well off SAHM and her husband, but imho a lifestyle is not worth sacrificing your self respect for.

agingoth · 03/12/2009 15:38

I know a couple where the husband had an affair, confessed but didn't apologise, said he doesn't love her but still wants to leave etc.

She is refusing to 'let him go' for the sake of the kids- her reasoning being that she had a terrible disrupted childhood and that is the last thing she wants for her kids.

Alright the atmosphere can be appalling but for some people stability is all that matters.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 03/12/2009 15:46

Yes, I agree that "Happy but Together" is the best option for everyone. I didn't really get into the forgiveness angle in my previous post, because the OP didn't think this was relevant, but the catalyst of my husband's infidelity gave me the marriage I'd always wanted. Having come from a background where both parents were happier apart and having always worked and earned my own money, I knew I was staying with my H because I loved him and could see how and why the infidelity happened.

HappyWoman · 03/12/2009 16:48

reading the op - it sounds as if this is not an affair as such - more that something has been discovered.

An affair and more importantly the discovery of an affair makes us all ask questions of ourselves.

But there must be plenty of men who say use prostitutes for sex and maybe even a 'regular' one. However disgusting some of us may see this i doubt it is something we have openly discussed and actually stated the boundary - i should think many woman never think it could be their husbands but it must be somebodys . There are always these 'new massage palours' popping up - there must be some customers.

Does that mean the end of the marriage? I dont know actually.

There could be those who would see it as not impacting on their marriage and lifestyle and could 'tun a blind eye' for the sake of the family.

I know i am not one of them though.

MisSalToeKisses · 03/12/2009 16:53

I wouldn't stay with my husband if he visited prostitutes. That I know for definite.

Not sure about affair - I'd love to say "that's it", but I suspect I'd try and resolve and forgive if he ever had an affair (which seriously doubt would ever happen, but I appreciate we all think that).

HappyWoman · 03/12/2009 16:59

no i wouldnt stay either.

But i can see how it may be tempting if you found out about it when everything else is fine.

I dont think it is right or normal but there surely must be a lot of it around? And it therefore it could be a situation many woman find themselves in.

Do you upset the children? If in all other areas he is a loving family man? with this vice (pun intended).

Dont know how anyone could just ignore it though, it would eat away at me for sure.

agingoth · 03/12/2009 18:13

y, I think prostitutes would be a deal breaker for me- regular visiting anyway.

I do know of married men who did this- in previous jobs. Always, their wives wouldn't have had a clue.

miumiu · 03/12/2009 18:16

I know of three couples here in France where the man has had a mistress and the wife has "accepted" the situation.

I bloody wouldn't!

Aren't 90% of the prostitutes' clientele married? Damn sure their wives don't know.

agingoth · 03/12/2009 18:24

quite...it won't all be obviously 'sleazy' men will it...

I think so many people know far less about their partners than they think they do...

miumiu · 03/12/2009 18:29

agingoth - I was thinking about your thread and went to post and can't find it....

agingoth · 03/12/2009 18:31

oh hi miu! had to delete it as someone from RL recognised and emailed me about it! She was a lovely lady but it made me think, if she could recognise me who else might...

all is stable...have got interview coming up so just trying to zone everything else out!

ilovemydogandmrobama · 03/12/2009 18:57

Glad to hear you have an interview, aginGoth Hope everything else is going well. Shame you were recognized as was hoping to get news...

butterballs · 03/12/2009 19:23

Yes - sometimes relationships are stronger after a traumatic incident. Sometimes people go "awol" for a bit and then come round again - I think this is not uncommon - people have sort of midlife crises, eventually get it out of their system, and realise that they actually quite like each other after all. Or realise that the grass is not necessarily greener. I know several older couples who are now happy together who had affairs/separated when they were younger. People change so much over the years and what they want changes too. I think relationships can come full circle, especially if people give each other space. Just my opinion.

I stayed with a boyfriend once for ages even though I knew he had been unfaithful because we really liked each other and I knew that a roving eye came with the package. In the end I dumped him because he did some vile things - but it wasn't to do with being unfaithful.

NoChristmasMojo · 03/12/2009 19:46

My DS partner cheated on her whilst she was pregnant - he couldnt live with the guilt so told all. After some time apart & much agonising she decided to get back with him to raise the baby together. However he then walked out on her & her DD when DD was 5 months old. (AFTER CHEATING A 2ND TIME)

My DS is NO pushover & says things like she sees them, she is a very strong women and made imo a very brave decision - which once she made, she stuck by. I know if it was me I would be very insecure and not be able to forget what he had done and acted a bitch towards him.

However, they both have their own 2 bed flat, about mile from each other and they share their parenting responsibilities - DN spends at least one week day night & 2 week end nights at her dads & rest of time with Mum - they are quite flexable with each other but my DS basically set the ground rules from the beginning & told him if he didnt like it- go see a solicitor! If he cant have Dn on "his" night then he sorts out babysiter and vice versa. They also take it in turns to drop off & pick up DN at pre-school even if not their "day" so my DN sees Mummy & Daddy virtually everyday. DS & her X still get on well (like old school friends) and will go out on occational outings with their daughter to zoo or theme park type thing.

Again, I think DS is very strong as I know I couldnt be civil to someone who had treated me so badly. Both have had other relationships since, some partners have found the situation very difficult and others have just accepted it.

So there are sometimes positive outcomes in these situations but i think it is all down to the type of people that you are and the history between you!

tiredoftherain · 03/12/2009 20:04

I tried to rebuild for a few weeks after finding out about H, but ultimately found I couldn't put up with it for the sake of the children. I think it would have slowly eaten away at me. It was the erosion of trust that was the greatest problem. That is for me the worst thing about catching H out, the huge web of lies which went with it.

When I split with H because of his infidelity (among many other things), a friend reacted by saying "you're brave, lots of women would have just turned a blind eye" and I just thought, no way. And then I realised that her own DH has a certain way about him, and that she might be overlooking his indiscretions. I know of several other wealthy couples where rumours are rife that the husbands cheat. I think they put up with it for the lifestyle. I'd rather be poorer but happier, and hopefully I will be (the happier bit, that is!)

Morloth · 03/12/2009 20:13

I think I could possibly work through one affair - if he was genuinely sorry and realised how much he had fucked up - maybe. I don't know, but I am 100% certain I wouldn't put up with an ongoing situation/repeated affairs.

Bigbadmummy · 03/12/2009 20:17

My parents both had an affair during a period of two years about 20 years ago. This was 20 years into their marriage

They didnt need to stay together for my sake, I was 19.

They talked about why they had their affairs, worked through it and are still together.

I have also been cheated on.

It depends on the situation and circumstances as to whether you stay or go.

Certainly for me an affair does not necessarily mean the end of a long term relationship, as I say it depends on all sorts of things.