Tell me what are the signs for someone having an affair?

[redballo]

Following on from the thread about cheating bankers
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/871176-Hundreds-of-Bankers-Confess-Reasons-for-Cheating
Most of these men say they are happily married and want a discreet affair.

I wondered if you are his wife sitting at home every night looking after the kids, how would you ever know?

What are the warning signs?

There must be some?

I don't think you can always know. IME in an office, it is the two people who never talk or look at eachother who are more likely to have an affair than the two people flirting like mad.

If he is home late
and you know in your guts

It might depend on why the partner is having an affair, too.

If people are having a typical "exit" affair they might leave a lot of clues about (possibly subconciously) because a lot of what is going on is about being found out and forcing a decision to be made about whether to stay or leave the relationship. I guess becoming withdrawn, change of routine, hiding things that were once generally "open" - phone, pc access, diaries, etc?

The other kind of really common affair is when the person having the affair finds it very difficult to cope in the married relationship and finds having an affair some kind of release / relief / meets needs that they feel are not being met (not necessarily sexual), so they come to "need" the affair to stabilize their home life and don;t want to be found out. In that case I imagine it might be quite difficult to spot the signs because their behaviour at home might change for the better. I would imagine there would have been some kind of trigger though, maybe a really stressful event, or general long-standing problems in the relationship?

IME a cheater will pick fights for what seems like no reason. Its a way of making you the 'bad guy' in their own minds and justifying what they are doing.

Secretive with phone. Hiding it. Always on silent. Deleting messages and/or call history.

Deleting history on Internet.

Home late. Working longer hours suddenly. New hobbies taking up more time. Suddenly spending nights over "friend's".

Sometimes they are distant, sometimes over the top and trying to overcompensate by being too nice. Sometimes there can be a sudden increase in sexual contact ... other times a sudden decrease.

Lots of things ... of course those things could also mean other things as well.

Presents when coming back from being away

Late nights on the computer

Angry outbursts

Making it clear you can do no right

Supposedly you can tell by eye direction when you ask a question (but I can't remember which direction is a lie!)

Lack of eye contact

Angry if you challenge them or seem anxious

Lots of talk about how things just aren't right between you (yeah right )

Attachment to phone, H was unbelievable with this, it even went into the bathroom with him

Password protection on laptop and everything else.

Mentioning a particular work colleague or friend, and you getting a gut feeling. I know this sounds woolly but I can't emphasise enough how much you should trust your instincts. There was just something in H's tone when he referred to OW, which made me suspicious.

Sudden last minute work commitments, or urgent errands to be run.

Transference of guilt by making you feel you can do no right. I felt as though H were looking for anything possible to prove we were incompatible, down to the most trivial of things, to justify what he was doing.

The "I'm not happy but I don't know why" conversations. Ditto "I love you but I'm not sure I'm in love with you"

With hindsight I'd be off as soon as I noticed more than one of the above. They all seem to follow a real pattern, sadly.

I can imagine it would be easier to tell if the man was having an affair for the first time. Unfortunately some men cheat pretty much from the word go, so their behaviour never changes. Must be pretty difficult to find out.

Far away look
Attachment to phone, which is on silent most of the time
If phone has to be switched on in your presence, a deluge of text alerts that are apparently all from work colleagues
Panic when anyone picks up said phone
Phone bills missing
Argumentative and defensive even when blatantly in the wrong
Distancing - physically and emotionally
Absence of small kind gestures
Disproportionate anger and stress
Making comments about the way you eat
"Hiding away" from family; sleeping in the day, hours spent on PC
Over-the-top protestations of love when you are suspicious
General irritation with everyone - and getting into uncharacteristic arguments with people
Picking fault with you, or appearing incredulous when you are relating a story
Your own feelings and instincts. Trust them above everything.

FWIW, the "old signs" we were probably all told to look out for, often aren't there anymore i.e. changed appearance, new clothes, weight loss, extra expenditure etc.

The phone is the biggest clue of all and seems common to every 21st century affair.

Overhearing him talking about 'a journey on the trans-siberian railway'
Collecting photographs of Felicity Kendal and glueing them into a scrapbook that he hides in the loft
Suddenly listening to "grime" music
Finding him burning old bus tickets in an oil drum in a public park at 3am
Hiding slippers in strange places
Sending off for binders to hold back issues of national geographic
Excessive use of ceefax
Socialising with solicitors
Sudden fascination with Homes Under The Hammer
Requesting string-backed driving gloves for christmas
Expressing an interest in buying a garden hoover
Losing weight then regaining it all in a 24 hour period
Wearing panama hats in airports
Wearing extremely large barbour jackets in town centres
Cycling to remote farms and staring at horses

In my experience, he was withdrawn and refused to communicate or tell me what's wrong.

Just said he has a feeling of insecurity - ditto what tired of the rain said, "not happy but don't know why."

Finding someone's name written down, with no explanation about it - he was a twunt.

That old phrase as to why their looking unhappy - "Its not you, its me...."

SueMunch you forgot - Eating Licorice Allsorts in the toilet

Sorry to hear all you other posters are saying. Makes me feel very on your behalf.

Finding a second mobile phone hidden in his briefcase whilst putting his laptop away for safety purposes (from DS4)

I would have thought anyone having an affair would try to keep home life as normal as possible to avoid raising suspicion....

Maybe you could ask the next married man you date what they do to avoid detection?

Phone on silent
Not answering your calls when out and then returning them later when OW is out of earshot!
Not being at work when meant to be
Insisting on popping out and refusing to take dc when normally would and then taking ages
Picking fights for no reason
Being emotionally/physically distant
Questioning your relationship, like above the 'im not happy' line
Having the ump when hospital want to send you home 4hours after giving birth instead of having you stay in overnight
Telling you that although he has two weeks paternity leave he will obviously have to still pop out for work
Listening to kiss fm to try to appear 'cool' to his teenage OW
The seats in the car being moved
Finding a second phone
Gut feeling

Main ones really are being emotionally distant, picking rows over nothing and questioning your relationship.

Mummypies - depends what they are like and whether they have a conscience. The ones that find it hard to reconcile what they are doing with how they ought to behave and are suppressing their guilt (badly) are the distancers and withdrawers. Personally I'd be very scared of someone who was psychopathic enough to be that cruel while pretending everything was perfect

Men I know who've had affairs imho tend to be very different from the women...

being divorced now, I am getting the stories from both sides.

far less likely to be doing it because of relationship problems.

I know at least 2 who are regular 'shaggers' e.g. been at it since they met their wives- who seem oblivious. In 1 case it is common knowledge to everyone except her that he is out for anything he can get.

1 guy I know really did start an affair (on the internet no less- just like the wanker/banker thread!) because he felt as if he'd just blow and leave without an 'outlet'. He reckoned he was out 4 nights during the week and his wife never questioned anything. I can't imagine being that self-sacrificing.

Also imo it's usually men with wives who are very much the quiet putter-up type (and thus let them stay out all the time for dubious reasons) who are at it- was certainly that way in all my workplaces...

The only women I know who've had affairs did it when their marriages were falling to pieces.

suemunch that's hilarious

Argumentative
Excessively keen for the other half to go out or away for the weekend
Secretive about phone and email passwords
Disappearing off with no explanation
Unusually interested in personal appearance - buying lots of new clothes, losing weight etc.
Being a bit obsessive about a new interest (i.e. never ran a mile in their life then all of a sudden turns into Paula Radcliffe)
Not interested in sex
Working odd hours

Agree with all that stuff - especially the trust your gut feeling. You are not being paranoid.