Confused about abusive relationship that I have left, but still have feelings for him :(

[VengefulKitty]

This is going to be long...

When DS was 11mths I left his father for XP. DSs father was a poly-drug addict and after he told me "Cocaine is my mistress and will always come before you and [ds]" I knew the relationship was over.

When DS was 8mths I met XP and eventually left at 11mths as I say. In the beginning it was fantastic, but XP also left a partner and kids after plenty of problems. We didn't actually do anything to constitute infidelity, but we realised we had fallen for each other and decided to make a go of it.

In our relationship much has happened. I'll kind of bullet point.

-He is illiterate so I did all his paperwork. ALL of it.
-He has no real common sense. He is, quite plainly, thick; so I was always explaining, educating etc.
-Whenever DSs dad got angry and made stupid comments/threats, XP wanted to get violent, and when I told him not to be ridiculous, to ignore it, he would accuse me of defending DSs dad and still having feelings for him, did I want him back etc.
-I myself am quite volatile and get frustrated easily so we would argue. Sometimes it got physical (usually my fault). He strangled me once until my vision went black and my hearing went. It took 3 or 4 (I don't remember) men to pull him off me. I have had black eyes, he squeezed my wrists so tight I have little strength in them now etc.
-He was extremely jealous and would always think I wanted someone else. He questioned me every time I was FB about who I was talking to, what new male friends I had added etc. I wasn't allowed male friends.
-He always threatened suicide if I left and once took an overdose when I tried to leave ending up in hospital.
-Many times when I didn't want sex, he would still try. I would be telling him no and try to fight him off, but he would do it anyway. Once he was in I'd give up fighting. The times I said anything about it he said he thought I was role-playing.
-Times I have left he has harassed and stalked me, calling me up to 15 times and hour and turning up at my place every night. I live 15 miles away and he has walked it before.

And those are just the highlights.

But he was also the most loving person when it was just us. Always made me feel beautiful, adored and wanted. Everyone used to say that he was obviously devoted to me.

Recently I found videos of him with another girl on his phone. I guessed he had done something and looked for his phone when he fallen asleep. It was stuffed in the bottom of his sock, in the toe of his trainer, underneath all of his clothes. He said it happened during a period when I had separated from him. It was only two weeks and we still saw each other about 4 times a week for various reasons.

In one of the videos I could hear BBC news on. From the headline I worked out the date. We weren't together, but he was trying to get me back and we had slept together twice that same week (strangely I had it written in my diary) and he had sworn that he hadn't done anything.

I couldn't get over it and finally got the courage to say this is it for good.

So Saturday night he decided to start up his stalking and harassment behaviour again.

Even though I told him again that night on the phone I don't want to see him, he said he was on his way to me. He walked the 15 miles odd to get to me and arrived shortly after 3am. I am in a block of flats with a rather loud buzzer that I can't turn off.

Anyway, it ended up with me having to call the police twice. DS (now 5) was in bed and I told him that he was not to scare DS again - that I would get the police here. They never did come at that time, but as I was on the phone to them (and he knew this) a patrol car drove past and he just looked at them. not fazed that they may have been looking for him. I think he eventually went about 5am.

Police came to speak to me and after taking history and going through loads of questions said that he had come up positive for all but one of the DV questions (I didn't even tell them half of what is above) so they were classing me as a "High risk alert" logging it with the DV team, and would also have to contact SS. He said not for DS, but for me and my safety (XP has never hurt DS or threatened to, but has come very close to hurting me in front of DS and DS was in his care when he broke his leg ending up in hospital on traction for 6 weeks at 3yo). DV team have now decided SS not needed for DS thankfully.

There is also a harassment order/warning?! thing that they want to put on him so if he turns up or keeps calling etc he will be arrested, so I have to keep logs of everything to get it enforced.

The thing is, even after all of that, I feel torn. I know it is the right thing, and I totally didn't want him anymore, but last night I lay in bed and cried. For some reason I found it easy to forget the bad things and remember the good things. And all the voicemails so far are all about how much he loves me etc and it takes me back to the good times and I feel such a sense of loss. Part of me just wants to feel his arms around me again...

I know it is insane, and I won't go back to him. I am petrified of seeing him in the street (he has been known to wait for me to come home to get me face-to-face) as I know that he can seriously dent my resolve.

Has anyone else ever felt that although you are doing the right thing, you still mourn the loss and still feel love for him? Am I (relatively) normal or do I need help?!

Jesus Christ that is a fucking essay!!

Sorry

You sound pretty normal to me. He loved you and he was there. When you feel alone and unloved it's very very easy to overlook the nightmare you were living in.

You won't go back to him,you are allowed to feel however you feel. We are not judged by our feelings, we are judged by our actions. Regardless of how much he loved you, he treated you bdly. And regardless of how much you loved him, you cannot, for safety's sake, allow him into your life.

vk, that is a huge thread and I would love to try to answer your every point but it is too late in the day for me

I agree with what colditz said

it is natural to hanker after good times when we feel down

but you seem pretty clued up that those good times are well and truly in the past

you are mourning for something that never was

sounds pretty normal to me, but you must stay away from him

please, please, please do not let him back into your life ever

I think EVERYone has that feeling, VK... honestly.

It's natural - your relationship, as shit as it was, was "something" and now it's "nothing" and you have to mourn what has gone... what never was, really.

I cried the day my divorce came through. I was really surprised; you'd think I'd have been celebrating being rid of such a wanker really!

If he waits for you, ring the police. If he contacts you, ring the police... treat him with the contempt he deserves and try to get through the harder times. Remember too that we are always here to help you through them.

Thank you so much. You three have really made me feel better about it all. I was really beating myself up thinking I was a bit unhinged!

Doesn't help that he is gorgeous and fit, but resolve is here to stay.

Yes, I will call the police if he turns up. In fact the PC told me to call 999 rather than the main area station number. He hated (well, all three of them that came did) the sound of him and admitted that he will take any excuse to arrest him then lump more charges as and when they can. And he was right in saying XP probably will give them a reason to. He hates the police and will happily give them verbal abuse.

I never thought I'd be the type of person to look over my shoulder, but every time I leave or come home I feel like a scared rabbit!

Now just waiting for DV risk assessment team to come on Thursday morning. So far only 6 calls today - a record!

Oh gawd, just come over from another thread, sorry about the name! Must change back now

OH VK, so sorry to hear all this... No wonder you were singing Alice Cooper the other day....

I think you'd be abnormal if you didn't feel sad somehow about it breaking up. We feel sad at the loss of the 'what might have been'

You know it's right to keep away from him, and anytime you feel like this, you know you can come here and we'll remind you.... Don't let all this turn you into a victim, sounds like you have mobilised the right people. Can you (please) think about moving? Change your numbers etc?

Manly Pat Massive Hug for ya!

Thing is, there is a massive amount of cultural/social pressure to believe that the Love Of A Good Woman can somehow fix fucked up men. SO there's probably quite a big part of you thinking that both/either there was some kind of magic button you forgot to press that would have stopped him being an arse and/or that if you had been more loving/done more housework/sucked his cock enough he would have stopped being an arse.
You couldn't fix him. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that he has substance abuse/mental health issues. You have spent a lot of time in a relationship that was all about him, and 'making him better' and now it's time to remember that you matter and so do your DC. It will get better. It really will, every day just a little bit, and then every day just a little more.
All the best.

Agree with everybody else here VK, having been in a nasty abusive relationship for more years than I care to remember I can completely understand how you feel. My ex was a nasty piece of work and we didn't split nicely.... In fact it ended with me being put in hospital and him being arrested for attempted murder.

You would think all of this would of changed everything, but for a long time after I still had very strong feelings for him, I knew we would never be together again but my heart took a long time to get over the loss, whether it was the loss of him or the loss of the old me I don't know.

It is natural to feel sad when there is a break up, please don't beat yourself over it, give it time and the feeling will slowly fade.

Take time and take care x

GH - Totally why I was singing Poison at him the other day. That was one of the days he just turned up at my door, hence my complete absorption in MN that night and the heavy virtual drinking

I will change my numbers eventually, but I am going to get some evidence first of how much he contacts me to get the harassment order enforced. And moving will be impossible for me, unless the police are able to follow through on what they said to me and speak to the council on my behalf (I am a private tenant with no money and I paid no deposit here as landlord is a family friend, so I have no deposit or 1st months rent). The police will need to push for me as when I managed to move here, I had spoke to the council about escaping Him and they were not interested. They told me if I was that scared I'd move out of borough away from all my family and friends!

SGB - I always love and appreciate your posts in situations like this. Thank you. You do tend to make that lightbulb go ping. And you also made me really laugh at sucking his cock!

desperatehousewife - That is a truly awful story. Thank goodness you are out of it and I hope you have fully recovered. Thank you for sharing your experience and showing me that I am not pathetic. Did your ex get jailed? Did he come after you again or leave you alone after his arrest?
XP always threatened that if he ever caught me with another man he would kill the guy and put me in hospital. I never doubted it either.

Thanks again for the support. It is a total relief for me. In fact, I had this thread sitting awaiting posting for over 3 hours unsure if I should post or not. I had posted something about it before under a different name when I first joined and someone told me I was enjoying on the drama of it all. I didn't post again for weeks. I am glad that I stuck around though (on MN I mean)

You may regret telling me to come for support whenever I need it - I'll never go!

come back, come back whenever you like

don't forget that your posting about your situation, and how you have managed to escape it, may just be the impetus for someone else to get out of an abusive r'ship, even if they don't post at the time

VK yeah it's not the nicest of bedtime stories to be honest and I don't think it is something I will ever recover from, but I certainly don't dwell on things and I don't let it hold me back anymore!! There are always little triggers that can take me back to the anxious and scared feeling I used to experience, I just thank my lucky stars that I was strong enough to keep away and move on.

After his arrest and my hospital stay I honestly thought that was the end... How wrong I could be, he was bailed to appear at his local police station (Newcastle) He never attended once, he was straight back down to where I lived (Bath) stalking, threatening and eventually I gave in once again, scared not to I guess, he had threatened to go after my family, in my screwed up mind I thought I would rather he hurt/kill me than lay a finger on any of my family.

Eventually we had a very public fight which involved him smashing my head against the steering wheel of my car and demanding I drive off, I started to drive knowing that if I got out of the car park that would be it for me, he had a look in his eyes that I had never seen before. We were just approaching the gates and my boss appeared, she managed somehow to shut the iron gates and the police were called again, they took him away and I never saw him again, I honestly believe she saved my life that day.

He was put in prison, he got 7 years in the end, it was a huge relief to all but me....
He wrote and called me everyday, I really felt no escape. He had already told me he could have his friends watch me and hurt me if needs be, I knew he was not bluffing either, like I say before he was a nasty piece of work.

In the end I had to move from my house and town, change my appearance, change my job and I will always be looking over my shoulder, for the simple reason he was obsessed and he has no respect for the law.

I always wonder who has actually been punished in my situation!!

But now I am living happily in sin with the father of my 2 DS's and I hardly ever think about what could or should of been, I really didn't know I had so much strength!!!!

You really are not pathetic, there are more people in abusive relationships than you think, you really are not alone.

If you ever wanna talk or vent my email is nicki - craig @ hotmail . com no gaps!!

Now that was an essay!!!

Desperatehousewife: just want to pass you a large virtual bouquet. Well done. You got away and survived. And fucknugget will end up dead in a ditch somewhere someday, people like him sooner or later pick on the wrong person.

If I was you I'd seriously think about moving. I have an ex a bit like yours. I am moving to a new city soon, and I know I will feel much safer then.

Even if you are a private tenant you may well be able to get help with moving in your situation.

Do remind the police to speak to the council for you. Can the DV team maybe provide you with a letter stating you are at risk?

Are you on a low income? I wonder if you can get a crisis loan for this kind of thing? info here

Or what about borrowing the money for a deposit form a credit union?

I'm sure women's aid would be able to give you some decent advice on this.

Oh gosh, how terrifying and awful for you desperatehousewife. Thank goodness your boss was there and you got out alive and have managed to build a new life for yourself. I think I understand when you say you will never get over it; but you learn to live with it. My XP also has no respect for the Law and as you say, that is highly worrying.

A Police Officer from the DV team has been this morning. She has given me the number for the National Centre for Domestic Violence to get the Molestation Order in place. It is an injunction that means he cannot harass me or intimidate or come within 100 metres of my property. If he breaches it he will be liable for arrest and it carries a term of imprisonment up to 2 years.

She has also put me as a high risk and will therefore be recommending that I have a sort of panic alarm installed that goes direct to Police Station like an immediate 999 call. A PC will also be coming soon to check the security here. It is mainly due to the fact that he strangled me to the point that my vision went black and my hearing went. The only reason he didn't kill me was because three men pulled him off me. I feel stupid for not reporting at the time but I believed him when he said it was an isolated influence due to alcohol and it would never happen again.

She also asked me to consider reporting him for rape. She warned me that it would be my word against his and I pointed out that he would just say that he thought I was role-playing or messing about saying "No" and fighting him off, as we had mucked around like before, even though it was obvious on these occasions that I was serious. She doesn't want me to do anything that may be hard for me, especially if I am getting on with things, and dredge up painful and distressing emotions. She is leaving it up to me.

I am changing my numbers, but they did not mention moving. I think it is off the cards unless he breaches the Order as I am on the top floor of a block of flats, so unless he gets me outside I should be relatively safe. I also now have a personal attack alarm.

The odd thing is, it never seemed that bad when actually living it. I tended to block out the bad as when he was good he was so lovely. She said this is quite normal though and verbalising it has shocked me to the core. I just that God (not that I am religious ) that he never gave me reason to think he would hurt my son, but I do realise that him seeing all this is traumatic enough. She has made counselling available for both of us if we want it.

Phew, another essay, but it feels good to tell someone else other than the Police.

Thanks for all the support. You are all really carrying me. I even mentioned to her that it is MN that has kept me going and is keeping me sane at the moment!

lowrib - I am on income support. I had to leave work after getting in serious debt and I couldn't afford to get to work after DS broke his leg and I had to take 3 months unpaid leave

Thank you for the links, I shall certainly look into them. If I can move I would feel much safer.

At least I will have a month not to worry over xmas. Mum is taking DS and me away next Sat until 9th Jan

VK I am so for you.

I have no useful RL experience to help you with, but it may (or may not) help you to read A Charming Man by Marian Keyes - all about a sadistic bastard who left broken hearts all around him, despite his DV ways. Although she is technically a chicklit writer, every now and then she produces a good insight into certain scenarios (Rachel's Holiday for e.g. was excellent on drug rehab). Depends on whether you like sharing experiences or would rather forget them.

The lovely bits are all part of the persona - if the bastards didn't have the lovely bits, they wouldn't get away with the DV for as long as they do. So you are mourning a facade really, but that doesn't make it any less painful.

Glad you are having a safe Christmas at least - hurrah!

OMG OMG OMG I have to go to court for the Order. I don't want to. I don't want to see him again. He doesn't know any of what has been happening with the police and will see it as complete overkill and unnecessary as he hasn't actually hurt me in a while. I just wanted the harassment to stop. I am worried now...

Thumblebells - I love Marian Keyes and have read most of her books! I remember A Charming Man, but can't really remember the end of it :S

Yes, I can't wait for next Saturday to come.

VK, I don't know if this applies or not but here goes: DH had an "incident" with his brother a couple of months ago that got very violent and ended up with the police being called and DH, DS and I all fleeing MIL's house to our new house that night. The police then started proceedings for an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order), much the same as a restraining order and told DH he had to go to court as well. Anyway, DH turned up but in the end he didn't have to go into the court because his brother accepted the AVO - I believe that DH might have had to go in if his brother had refused to accept the AVO.

This may (or may not) be the same in your situation - hopefully someone who has had experience of this will be able to enlighten you. I hope they take steps to protect you in the court if you do have to go in, though.

The Charming Man had a good ending, very positive all round.

Glad the police are being so helpful for you VK you should really take everything they offer security and support wise, I thought I could take it all on myself without having to get anyone else involved, which made me push everyone away in the end.

It is also good having the police having your phone no and address as a priority so to speak, I had the same, although highly embarrassing when my new partner and myself had to break into my house through a window, imagine the scene..... I had cut myself on said window, but through my very drunk eyes I really didn't notice, so new partner and I get a bit frisky 10mins later huge bangs on the door, DP goes to answer the door... They put him in arm lock and drag him into the living room, demanded to see me, burst into the bedroom, I am half naked with blood everywhere Apparently the neighbours had heard the window break and new all about my ex so thought they had better report it!!! I felt like a proper naughty school girl!!
But credit where credit due, they were there very quickly and 6 of them turned up, although they didn't know quite where to look as I am sat in bed trying furiously to cover my boobs, with no luck whatsoever!!!!

And really don't beat yourself up about not reporting him before, they always have excuses for their behaviour and we as women in that position really want to believe that is the truth, truth is though they can change and drink and drugs just make them more paraniod and unreasonable.

Good you are in a block of flats, as you say he would have to get 'in' first, as long as all your neighbours or occupants are aware of the situation.

As for your feeling on it not feeling that bad while you were living it, I completely understand that, and like you say it's only once you say the things out loud it really hits home, I mean I can shock a room into complete silence with the things he did to me over the time we were together, thing is I am very open about it all now, but only cause I realise that telling people may just help someone else that might be in the same situation, and give then some sort of hope.

Like you I am not religious but I always used to think to myself, when thing got really bad... God only throws at you what he knows you can cope with. Kinda helped me a lot being as I have lived my life being very shy and timid!!!

As for the reporting of the rape that is entirely up to you but bear in mind with everything else that he has done there is no way that any decent person would think for one minute you were role playing, I know it is scary going up against him word for word, but I really think that people are not going to think you are lying about it all.
The police wanted me to testify against my ex to try and get him convicted, but I am ashamed to say I couldn't do it. I really wasn't strong enough at that point and was so worried his 'mates' would come and do the job he wanted done to me. But I am lucky in that he confessed in the end, but had he not of done that he would of walked pretty much free.

Thing is standing up to them might, might save the next girl that gets hooked up with them from suffering like many of us have.

A huge thanks SolidGoldpiginablanket I really appreciate your post, twas lovely.... I live in hope he meets the wrong person and they do all the nasty things he did to me back to him... I just know I'm not that lucky!!!! Also liking the fucknugget....he has been the psycho fuck knuckle up till now, think he deserves a change of name!!!!

Keep strong VK, you will get to the end of it with the support of MN and your RL friends

I hope you have a nice christmas and you sound like you need the break.

When you get back from your christmas break (actually why can't you move in with your mum until you get another place?) please consider the following:

Psychos have a very clever way of manipulating people into feeling as if somehow it's their fault, like the 'thinking it was role play' thing. He knew perfectly well what he was doing. And the violence - everyone argues, so even tho you might have a short fuse (like lots of us, lets be honest)and got physical with him it doesn't mean he had any right to act like a monster.

The council has to help you in your high risk situation. The guy has tried to murder you and has raped you. And now he is threatening you with his stalking and harassment. It sounds terrifying.

They have to help you move. Can't you get housing benefits to help with the first couple of months' rent? Friends and family could help?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but my sister's ex was a freak like this guy and he is now serving a life sentence for a terrible murder. She felt like shit too and missed him when he left her, but only because she's human. These people don't think like you or I and they aren't actually capable of loving anyone but themselves. That's why they cheat etc. It makes no difference to them whether they tell you the truth or lie. There is no conscience there, just a need to get what they want when they want. It is call being a sociopath.

That is why they are so dangerous and that is why you need to pursue this with the police. And tell them everything no matter how horrible or how you might feel it's your fault. Sounds like you are already making progress but they need to know everything about this man. These days they take these complaints seriously ...or they should be. Has he not got some sort of record already? Has he had any psychiatric evaluations?

I don't know where women like you find their strength but that is just it...you are obviously a feisty strong woman and he knows it.

I wish you all the best and hope that this shithead stays away from you and your son, or better still that he ends up in prison where he belongs.

Don't worry VK, it will only make the situation feel impossible, is there any way you can get out of going to court?

Or maybe like Thumblebells dh's brother your ex will just accept the order, keep thinking positively.....