This is going to be long...
When DS was 11mths I left his father for XP. DSs father was a poly-drug addict and after he told me "Cocaine is my mistress and will always come before you and [ds]" I knew the relationship was over.
When DS was 8mths I met XP and eventually left at 11mths as I say. In the beginning it was fantastic, but XP also left a partner and kids after plenty of problems. We didn't actually do anything to constitute infidelity, but we realised we had fallen for each other and decided to make a go of it.
In our relationship much has happened. I'll kind of bullet point.
-He is illiterate so I did all his paperwork. ALL of it.
-He has no real common sense. He is, quite plainly, thick; so I was always explaining, educating etc.
-Whenever DSs dad got angry and made stupid comments/threats, XP wanted to get violent, and when I told him not to be ridiculous, to ignore it, he would accuse me of defending DSs dad and still having feelings for him, did I want him back etc.
-I myself am quite volatile and get frustrated easily so we would argue. Sometimes it got physical (usually my fault). He strangled me once until my vision went black and my hearing went. It took 3 or 4 (I don't remember) men to pull him off me. I have had black eyes, he squeezed my wrists so tight I have little strength in them now etc.
-He was extremely jealous and would always think I wanted someone else. He questioned me every time I was FB about who I was talking to, what new male friends I had added etc. I wasn't allowed male friends.
-He always threatened suicide if I left and once took an overdose when I tried to leave ending up in hospital.
-Many times when I didn't want sex, he would still try. I would be telling him no and try to fight him off, but he would do it anyway. Once he was in I'd give up fighting. The times I said anything about it he said he thought I was role-playing.
-Times I have left he has harassed and stalked me, calling me up to 15 times and hour and turning up at my place every night. I live 15 miles away and he has walked it before.
And those are just the highlights.
But he was also the most loving person when it was just us. Always made me feel beautiful, adored and wanted. Everyone used to say that he was obviously devoted to me.
Recently I found videos of him with another girl on his phone. I guessed he had done something and looked for his phone when he fallen asleep. It was stuffed in the bottom of his sock, in the toe of his trainer, underneath all of his clothes. He said it happened during a period when I had separated from him. It was only two weeks and we still saw each other about 4 times a week for various reasons.
In one of the videos I could hear BBC news on. From the headline I worked out the date. We weren't together, but he was trying to get me back and we had slept together twice that same week (strangely I had it written in my diary) and he had sworn that he hadn't done anything.
I couldn't get over it and finally got the courage to say this is it for good.
So Saturday night he decided to start up his stalking and harassment behaviour again.
Even though I told him again that night on the phone I don't want to see him, he said he was on his way to me. He walked the 15 miles odd to get to me and arrived shortly after 3am. I am in a block of flats with a rather loud buzzer that I can't turn off.
Anyway, it ended up with me having to call the police twice. DS (now 5) was in bed and I told him that he was not to scare DS again - that I would get the police here. They never did come at that time, but as I was on the phone to them (and he knew this) a patrol car drove past and he just looked at them. not fazed that they may have been looking for him. I think he eventually went about 5am.
Police came to speak to me and after taking history and going through loads of questions said that he had come up positive for all but one of the DV questions (I didn't even tell them half of what is above) so they were classing me as a "High risk alert" logging it with the DV team, and would also have to contact SS. He said not for DS, but for me and my safety (XP has never hurt DS or threatened to, but has come very close to hurting me in front of DS and DS was in his care when he broke his leg ending up in hospital on traction for 6 weeks at 3yo). DV team have now decided SS not needed for DS thankfully.
There is also a harassment order/warning?! thing that they want to put on him so if he turns up or keeps calling etc he will be arrested, so I have to keep logs of everything to get it enforced.
The thing is, even after all of that, I feel torn. I know it is the right thing, and I totally didn't want him anymore, but last night I lay in bed and cried. For some reason I found it easy to forget the bad things and remember the good things. And all the voicemails so far are all about how much he loves me etc and it takes me back to the good times and I feel such a sense of loss. Part of me just wants to feel his arms around me again...
I know it is insane, and I won't go back to him. I am petrified of seeing him in the street (he has been known to wait for me to come home to get me face-to-face) as I know that he can seriously dent my resolve.
Has anyone else ever felt that although you are doing the right thing, you still mourn the loss and still feel love for him? Am I (relatively) normal or do I need help?!