Am I testing...I just don't know

[gonnabehappy]

I have this afternoon asked him to leave. We have had another dreadful weekend (my fault) and it is not fair on boys.

Taking them out - no idea what to expect when we get home. Don't even know what I want to find when we get home.

How do you work out what you really want? How do I know if I am 'testing' him (after giving him a crap time over weekend). How do I impose it when I am not sure. I just need some space and to go to bed without make up on.

Good. Counting and I were of course, responding to your brief post. You have explained things much more clearly here.

Therefore I hope you'll explain more about what your H said - he thinks that people who smoke, need ADs and counselling are weak? Does he also think you are weak for not getting over this sooner then?

Really glad the counsellor seems a good fit. Sorry there will be a break but suspect that the New Year will seem more positive for you, because there has been a breakthrough in action. Good luck.

I understand your replies when will - I have walked today and can usually think more clearly (and sometimes write more clearly - grin) after a walk.

My husband disapproves of people who uses crutches like me. He says he does not like me going back onto the tablets, he does not understand why I find it hard to stop smoking. He has a colleague who has been off sick for 6 moths with depression and he just does not get it. He thinks anything 'mental' is just weakness or excuse. Having said all this he tries very hard to be supportive. I just know what lies behind his glances in my direction and odd comments.

Yes he does think I should have got over it by now and has expressed that he was surprised (not favourably) by how devastated I was when this blew up. He has certainly changed his opinion of me from thinking I was strong to thinking I am weak. So have I.

Wow, that's pretty illuminating Newname. I am even more certain than ever that the counselling is going to help you.

Notice however that you've said again that you "just know" what he is thinking?

It would be interesting for him to consider whether he thinks that the addiction of affairs is a weakness too? Statistically, much more destructive than your perceived weaknesses too.

And his surprise at how devastated you have been just shows that he has never really got this, has he?

If he thinks of you as weak, that's a bad place to be in in terms of how he views you as a marriage partner. People in his position would be more inclined to view you as strong - in that you are engaging in the much more difficult journey of trying to save your marriage.

I hope the counselling will change your H's mindset considerably - there is still an overwhelming sense that he thinks this is all a storm in a teacup, that you should just "get a grip" and move on. Until he confronts his own much more destructive weaknesses and the understandable devastation they have caused, I don't think he will ever be able to support you properly.

Definitely considers me weak. The way I fell to pieces and how it continues. One choice insult when he was ripping me to bits was that I was pathetic. Of course he has said many time since that he did not mean it, he thinks I am not pathetic, but those insults continue to hurt. That and other such phrases just echo round me head each time I get a certain look or there is contempt in his tone of voice.

But to be fair - I d not like what I am, and I would have thought I would have coped very differently too. Not just him that is surprised by my behaviour!

Hi

I think tabs are kicking in. Have had a very slow day but not bad at all.

One really good thing happened this morning. I spent the last 24 hours dreading my husband saying he wanted to go to his work (non-partners) Christmas do tonight. I did not know how to react. Say; I would prefer him not to go (OW almost certainly there) or, just smile sweetly. Anyway this morning he said that he was not going because of the money it would cost(he is quite senior so although we are broke he would end up buying a lot of drinks - tough on the wallet of a teetotaler!). I replied that I was pleased because I had felt very uncomfortable about him going. He hugged me and said he had thought about that too! I can't tell you what a relief this is. Here is hoping we have a much better weekend.