Something has snapped with DH and don't think I can recover (long)

[Snapped]

I am not sure what to think or do or even whether I give a shit anymore TBH. I have name changed as DH knows my nickname on here. Bit of background.
We have a 17 month old DS and I basically do everything around the house. I work 30 hours a week Tues-Fri and my DH works Mon- Fri 37 hours a week. I organise everything from the bills, letters, washing, ironing, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, house repairs and all the practical care of DS ie. feeding, bathing getting ready for bed etc. He NEVER thanks me for any of it, he doesn't appreciate it at all. If I bring up the subject of him helping me he whinges and says thats what you have your day off for. He can't even be arsed to empty the dishwasher, he never thinks about emptying the bin or any other stuff that needs doing around the house.
If I do ask him to help with something he always says "in a bit" and "forgets" to do it. If he does muck in and empty the dishwasher he expects me to make a huge song and dance about it and thank him about a billion times like he has done me a fucking favour. If I didn't do all of the stuff around the house it wouldn't get done, he is basically lazy and selfish and his attitude fucking stinks.
He was studying for a promotion on Sat morning and I offered to take DS out for afternoon so that he could get his work done, there was no thank you or anything.
When DS was having his nap I asked DH what he wanted for lunch and came up with a few suggestions, one of which was chippy. He said he wanted a chip barm and a sausage which I went out to get him. I came back with his lunch but there was no sausage in there which I defo asked for because the lady asked me what size I wanted. He said to me "did you watch her serve you" I replied "no, I was reading the notice board" and he basically went about how I should have watched her etc. I snapped and replied "er how about fucking thanks for getting my lunch anyway". He then said "yeah thanks for getting it fucking wrong". He is an ungrateful shit sometimes and doesn't care when people bend over backwards to help him.
We have not spoken properley since then. I threw up a few times last night and felt really rough (not sure why), he didn't ask me how I was feeling this morning or anything. Just as he was leaving for work I said "oh i am fine by the way", he said "I was going to ask" and I replied "where you going to do it when you were half way to work". I told him to just go to work. He then puts on a hurt voice and says "ok" and tries to act like the victim.
WTF is going on, it's like I have known this all along and this is the final straw. I don't know what to do. We don't have a physical relationship anymore, we accidentily (pill failed) got pregnant earlier this year and we both agreed to terminate that pregnancy for numerous reasons. Since then I have been terrified that I would get pregnant again and he won't use condoms because "he is a married man FFS, why should he have to?" I feel like I am at the end of my rope and he has no respect for the fact that I am his wife.
We also work together and he makes lewd comments about the girls we work with to me which is just not appropriate, when I ask him to remember that I am his wife and not a bloke down the pub, he says "I'm only joking."
I don't know how to deal with all this, everyone thinks he is a lovely bloke because he is really quiet and polite and nice to everyone but he has a shitty side to him which only I really see. I love him very much and he adores our DS but I am not sure that I want to spend my life with someone like this.
Sorry that was far too long.

don't blame you for not wanting to carry on - he sounds like a real "prize".

Does he have any good points?

You both sound very angry and resentful with each other. You said you 'love him very much' - do you? What is it you love about him, you've only talked really about how others like him.

He's a selfish twat.

Well I certainly wouldn't want to spend my life with a man like that. I'd be heading for the hills. But I suppose it depends on whether you think he's capable of change. If he realised quite how close he is to losing you, would he make the effort? Are you up to spelling it out to him?

Things can't continue as they are - the condom comment alone is gobsmacking, apart from anything else. Is this learnt behaviour from his father, do you think?

I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone like this either

He is monumentally selfish

Has he always treated you like a piece of furniture ?

Have you ever talked to him seriously about how he makes you feel ?

I can understand you want to get out, is he anything like my ex where he will be the 'good guy' for other people like his family, friends ie treats, favours?

Do you think couple therapy like Relate may help?

Leave him, he sounds like an absolute arsehole.

What an arsecandle.

He needs to know that he has to get his act together quickly.

And the condom comment is unreal. He sounds like he is from the dark ages.

All I can say is that you are looking after 2 children (your dc and your Dh) and working what would be considered full time.

Does he bring you any joy at all in your life? Is he amazing with your DS? If yes, then you urgently need to go to relate and try and rebalance your relationship before you combust with resentment. He is fully taking the piss out of you ATM.

If there is no happiness there, then I think you would find life alot easier having to be slave to your wage, your DS and also your DH.

I have talked to him about helping with the house work a few months ago but he has a right attitude on him. He says "fine I will but I am not doing at as often as you do because I don't think it needs doing that often you are OTT."
I guess his flaws have become more apparent since we had DS. I think he would be genuinely gutted if he thought I was close to leaving. He always says how he couldn't carry on if I died or whatever and wouldn't be able to cope.
I really feel like he is taking the piss out of me. Do I think he is capable of change? Maybe if he knew he was going to lose me, however he is very good at playing the victim and making me feel like shit everytime I try to point out to him that he is being selfish.

a sit down conversation is in order. a list of chores to be agreed. this is quite diferent from saying 'why dont YOU wash teh chuffin pots for once' this is a negotiation " i understand that i work one day less than you but there isn't an equal division of labour and there should be, so lets sort it out"

the condom thing is the prize twat thing for me. DH was very much like that until i said that i was fed up of having the medical professions hands up my fanny, it wasn't fair that my body had to go through what it does to accomodate him. That i wasn't going to have the coil anymore, so if he wanted to risk it - FINE, but i would be getting a full time job and he could sort the million kids out that we would have.

dh was so petrified of having anymore children that he went to have the snip.

its just chronically unfair that your body has to go through this, that the mental state you have to be in all the time.

this point would be make or break for me. I couldn't have a husband who expected me to physically go through this all the time and would expect me to have either a child or an abortion.

i couldn't

this point said aloud at 'relate' would make him cringe i am sure. a third person in the room when they are behaving like fucking twats does make them realise that this behaviour isn't normal.

i would get him a seperate washing basket. and cook seperate meals.

If he refuses to co-operate just chuck the dirty pans in with his dirty washing.

Reading your OP I cannot quite see what you get out of the marriage.

He is being like a child then. Agree with Custardo. Sit him down and tell him how serious this is and things can't go on the way they are.

Then, let him do his 'chores' how he wishes. He may have different standards so fair play. My DH is much more exacting than me and it would drive me mad to have to meet his standards.

Reassess in 2/12 or so. He does sound like he needs a full body condom for the whole contraceptive comment as, for that, he sounds like a right prick.

the thing about a negotiation of chores is that you agree.

for instance, i don't work the hours that dh does - but he is expected to take the bins out and either sort out the meals at a weekend by cooking or ordering in.

the bills are sorted together as are house repairs.

if he wants something washed specifically and its not in the washing basket - he knows how to use the washing machine.

if i have been at work all day and i cook - he washed up/stacks diswasher - thats only fair.

if he doesn't stack the dishwasher - then the next day things are on the side all crusty - and " soz chuck i can't make you something cos you didn't wash the pots last night"

Little by little stop doing things for him, one day you stop ironing for him, don't clean up after him, don't offer him to choose what he wants for dinner, it is not a restaurant you know? But do it very gradually, things didn't get to this point in a day and they are not going to be sorted in a day either.

Don't offer to take DS out to give him some space, find any excuse to leave him, again gradually, more time with him so he can understand how much work does it get into caring for a child that young.

As for the sex, who says he is the one to decide how things should be? if he doesn't want to wear condoms what about him having the snip? why does it have to be you sorting the situation all the time?

oh oh snapped this could potentially be very serious for you all and he needs to recognise this fact.
Take him out for a meal and really tell him that. Ask him to sit down with you to do a schedule of works if you like. The jobs he is down for doing, let him do them at his pace and standard.
Do this for a month or something and then evaluate after that.
He knows this is not fair and if you think he will be genuiniely gutted about you being on the brink of leaving then he should step up.

oh and dh tidues the bedroom ( as he spends more time there on the puter - if there is any rubbish - its his mess) and he puts clothes away

I have to say it is not the lack of him doing chores it is the fact that he doesn't fucking appreciate it. I like custardo's idea of stopping doing his ironing etc little by little. He knows how difficult it is looking after DS because i had to go away for an induction for my new job and he never stopped going on about how DS was "playing up" for him, er no he is a normal 17 old.

*17 month old oops.

Well, he sounds like a great big baby - don't you already have one of those to look after?

I'm not surprised you are at the end of your tether. Does he have any good points?

dh does his own ironing becuase he has full use of his limbs.

and i am not his fucking mother

and i was not born with a special ability that he doesn't posess - i have no pre-disposition to ironing because i am female.

DH is starting a new job tomorrow - he will find, sort, wash, dry and iron whatever the hell he is wearing - becuase he is a grown man.

I used to - don't get me wrong - 20 years ago when ds was a baby, dh worked in an office and i ironed his shirts with a 'monday' crease and sorted out which tie with which shirt and hung hem together.

he told me that i needed to butter the corners of hs bread becuase the butties i made him for work were crap.

it was this lack of help that seriously caused me tosnap i told him to fuck off and we split up for three months.

when he returned he did his own fucking butties and ironing for the reasons in the first paragraph - i have no special disposition towards donesticity becuase i am female.

this isn't 1950's America

He has no excuse for not appreciating it. You both work. You work 7 hours less, therefore you 'owe' 7 hours extra of housework. It sounds like you are doing the lions share and he is a bit of a tosser for not at least saying thank you and trying to help.

Tell him how you feel really strongly. He can't put right if he doesn't know he is doing wrong.

The thing is, marriage and parenthood is supposed to be a partnership, and he isn't treating you like a partner but like a domestic employee.

I would have told him to fuck off and don't hurry back by now (and I don't say that lightly) but I understand that's easier said than done.

Have a long hard think about what you want here - it's not just the housework is it? He shows a fundamental lack of respect for you and that for me is the clincher. I would not want to be with someone who treated me so disdainfully.

"He always says how he couldn't carry on if I died or whatever and wouldn't be able to cope."

I bet he bloody wouldn't - he'd have to look after himself wouldn't he? Sorry Snapped, but from what you have written he sounds like a selfish, self absorbed lazy fucker and you would be no worse off alone IMO.