Something has snapped with DH and don't think I can recover (long)

[Snapped]

I am not sure what to think or do or even whether I give a shit anymore TBH. I have name changed as DH knows my nickname on here. Bit of background.
We have a 17 month old DS and I basically do everything around the house. I work 30 hours a week Tues-Fri and my DH works Mon- Fri 37 hours a week. I organise everything from the bills, letters, washing, ironing, food shopping, cooking, cleaning, house repairs and all the practical care of DS ie. feeding, bathing getting ready for bed etc. He NEVER thanks me for any of it, he doesn't appreciate it at all. If I bring up the subject of him helping me he whinges and says thats what you have your day off for. He can't even be arsed to empty the dishwasher, he never thinks about emptying the bin or any other stuff that needs doing around the house.
If I do ask him to help with something he always says "in a bit" and "forgets" to do it. If he does muck in and empty the dishwasher he expects me to make a huge song and dance about it and thank him about a billion times like he has done me a fucking favour. If I didn't do all of the stuff around the house it wouldn't get done, he is basically lazy and selfish and his attitude fucking stinks.
He was studying for a promotion on Sat morning and I offered to take DS out for afternoon so that he could get his work done, there was no thank you or anything.
When DS was having his nap I asked DH what he wanted for lunch and came up with a few suggestions, one of which was chippy. He said he wanted a chip barm and a sausage which I went out to get him. I came back with his lunch but there was no sausage in there which I defo asked for because the lady asked me what size I wanted. He said to me "did you watch her serve you" I replied "no, I was reading the notice board" and he basically went about how I should have watched her etc. I snapped and replied "er how about fucking thanks for getting my lunch anyway". He then said "yeah thanks for getting it fucking wrong". He is an ungrateful shit sometimes and doesn't care when people bend over backwards to help him.
We have not spoken properley since then. I threw up a few times last night and felt really rough (not sure why), he didn't ask me how I was feeling this morning or anything. Just as he was leaving for work I said "oh i am fine by the way", he said "I was going to ask" and I replied "where you going to do it when you were half way to work". I told him to just go to work. He then puts on a hurt voice and says "ok" and tries to act like the victim.
WTF is going on, it's like I have known this all along and this is the final straw. I don't know what to do. We don't have a physical relationship anymore, we accidentily (pill failed) got pregnant earlier this year and we both agreed to terminate that pregnancy for numerous reasons. Since then I have been terrified that I would get pregnant again and he won't use condoms because "he is a married man FFS, why should he have to?" I feel like I am at the end of my rope and he has no respect for the fact that I am his wife.
We also work together and he makes lewd comments about the girls we work with to me which is just not appropriate, when I ask him to remember that I am his wife and not a bloke down the pub, he says "I'm only joking."
I don't know how to deal with all this, everyone thinks he is a lovely bloke because he is really quiet and polite and nice to everyone but he has a shitty side to him which only I really see. I love him very much and he adores our DS but I am not sure that I want to spend my life with someone like this.
Sorry that was far too long.

I think you need to have a long hard think about what his good points are, and if you can't think of any then you have a problem!
However, if you do think he's the man for you, you need to have a good think about how things will work for the two of you.
I have a DH who is a 'toned-down' version of your DH, in that he is crap with doing housework, puts everything off, and moans about me being OTT with the housework (believe me I'm not though!).
The way we now work things is, because I am a bit of a control freak and can't stand things being put off, I still do most of the housework (I work p/t). DH does all DIY, and the childcare in the evening incl. bath/bedtime (only an hour or two when he's home from work but a relief for me and nice for the kids). I then use that time to cook dinner for us and tidy up. That works well for us.
You need to accept that your DH is never going to totally change unfortunately, and if you want to persevere with the realtionship then you need to both agree a compromise. However, one thing that must be set in stone is respect for one another. Its one thing ending up having to do a lot of the housework, but a total other matter to be talked to like shit by the person who's meant to love you. Don't put up with that, and tell him so.

Thing is, you can get him to change his behaviour. You might even (if you were VERY lucky or persistent) get him to change his behaviour until it was halfway acceptable, he was helping you around the house etc.

But you can't make him change his attitude. The attitude of entitlement, the attitude that he is better than you, your needs don't matter, your feelings don't matter, and your child doesn't matter - at least not as much as him. No doubt you are there somewhere on his list, but very very low down. He is at the top, and probably always will be.

This is your real problem: the underlying attitude of disrespect. You can dance about taking him to counselling (which no doubt YOU will have to arrange) but it won't solve the real deeper problem within. It is very very hard to live with someone who thinks that they deserve everything and you deserve nothing. I personally wouldn't want to live with someone like that, and I think most people on here wouldn't either. Whether you can live with that attitude is something only you can decide. But I would give it some serious thought, and definitely considering seeing a counsellor on your own, to give you support at this difficult time Or, should I say, with this difficult person.

Short answer: he is a twat you you should leave him.

Good luck You deserve better, and can do better than him. Hell, being single would be better, because then your self esteem would recover and you would be happy, although it might take time.

The thing that really gets me is that you went through with a termination and he still cannot be bothered to use condoms, because he thinks married men have some sort of right to have sex without them! Never mind the emotional and physical upheaval of an termination that you have to bear because of his "right".

If I were you I'd tell him that sex is off the menu until you both decide you want to conceive again or he's willing to use condoms.

Also agree with a sit down negotiation, Custy has some good advice on this. Make a list of what you want to change and be hard-headed about it. His behaviour is unacceptable, lazy and selfish, so tell him. Make it crystal clear that for your relationship to continue things must change, and hold him to it on a timetable by scheduling a review of progress in 3 months time.

The whole, "Well your standards of cleanliness are higher than mine, so that absolves me of any obligation to keep it to your standards" is a common excuse. DH and I do have different standards, and he tried to pull this one on me too, but we learned to compromise. For example, the dishes are done every day and we split it between each other. He cooks almost every night and does the shopping for dinner (I'm lucky, I know it), so I do all the laundry and most of the daily tidying. He always pays the bills, so I deal with most of the paperwork. I think we pull together as a team on it all now, but it did take a lot of standing my ground and not letting it lie to get there.

Why did you get together with him in the first place? It amazes me constantly that so many women value themselves so little that they will put up with any old dross for a bloke. He hasn't just started with this behaviour fgs. And please, break the cycle so that your son doesn't grow up thinking he can treat women like servants.

Snapped, you can't keep on putting up with this, something will have to give, either your marriage or what's left of your self esteem.

Can you go and stay somewhere for a week or so, one to make a point, and two, to give yourself time to prepare and to gather your strength in preparation for the 'Thing's can't go on like this' talk you need to have with him. If he's as terrified of you walking out as he says he is, then you buggering off will definately get his attention... he'll be inclined to listen...

List out what he does do right, be honest, but be honest in all the stuff he doesn't do right, stuff that you've written here.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Failing that, you need to put him up for that WifeSwap programme on C4.... imagine who he'd end up with... and you'll end up with the opposite!

its not about the housework thou is it, its about the lack of respect, yes you might be able to get him to do a token washing up emptying the bins but you still won't have his respect.
chuck him out on his sorry arse.

Thankyou so much for all your advice, I really appreciate it. We still haven't spoken, he came home tonight and made a can of soup for his tea. He made and gave DS his bottle tonight which he offered to do and I thanked him.
I really want to make it work but all the time I look at him I feel like I hate him ATM, it makes me really sad because I remember how much fun we used to have and how much I love him. Since DS has been born he has become really arrogant.

You have a very unbalanced relationship if you feel the need to show "thanks" that he fed his own son

I want Custardo to be my older sister...

Not too sure about not thanking him for doing small things.
He is being a tosser, but if he really wants to change then surely encouraging him is the best way to resolve this. It would be irrisistible to huff 'thanks for giving ds his bottle, at last' but I'm not too sure it would be constructive.

Remember how much fun you used to have and whether you can get that back. I do think dcs challenge every relationship to the extreme and I'm sure he is just as bewildered by all the cracks in the relationship as you are.

He is still a bit of a twat though.

i like the thanking of small things. but it must be mutual.

I disagree that you shouldn't thank him for doing small things. Perhaps if you thank him then it might rub off and he'll start doing it back?

I think people do have different standards. I did read an article that also said that men just weren't programmed to notice a certain amount of clutter/housework - something like 90% of the women surveyed noticed an overflowing laundry basket in a photo of a room and only 30% of the men did (or somewhere around that figure!).

I am quite unobservant and don't really notice if things are a bit out of place. I live with my mum and it drives her insane but I honestly can't help it. Likewise she can say to me "oh would you mind running the hoover round my bedroom please" and I will answer but I will completely forget unless I do it straight away or I write myself a little note and put it somewhere I will see it later. I have asked her so many times to just leave me a list of the things she wants me to do but she says I should just know. The thing is her standards are very high and mine aren't so by the time I would notice something needed doing it's already been done. Then say a day later to me it doesn't need doing again but she thinks it does and thinks I should know this. Why she can't just tell me or write me a list which would save a lot of the arguements in our house. I expect to do stuff around the house but I never quite know what she thinks needs doing and what doesn't.

We can't sit down and compromise on how often stuff is done because it's her house, but you and your DH can. Ask him how often he thinks stuff needs doing. If it's not that unreasonable say OK you do it that often and I'll do it inbetween when I think it needs doing.

For an idea of whether how often he thinks things need doing is reasonable or not this is how often I think the following needs doing:

Change bedclothes - every 3 weeks
Wash towels - weekly
Vacuum - fortnightly upstairs, weekly downstairs, stairs monthly
Clean the loo - weekly
Mop the floor - fortnightly
Dust each room - fortnightly
Clean the bathroom (wipe tiles, clean bath, sink etc) - fortnightly
Clean the kitchen (wipe tiles, wipe cupboards etc) - weekly
Clean oven and microwave - monthly

Stop doing his ironing, only wash his clothes if he puts them in the basket, don't make him breakfast or a packed lunch for work, if you cook don't wash the pans or do the dishwasher.

Snapped

I'm not surprised you are so unhappy. But nothing is going to change if you don't speak to him, you eed ot plan carefully what you are going to say and how he might respond. That way you are more likely to get your feeling across.

If you both have different ideas re how often things need cleaning etc, thats fine most people do. It does tend to be the one who likes it to be done more that does it more though. But he does need to pitch in and thats all your asking, its not unreasonable.

If your looking for a way of really making an impact, don't do anything iother than monday. He's said thats what your day off is for well then don't do anythign any other day!

this is one of the saddest things I've ever read on here.
Sorry for you and your Ds that your both going through this.

I really think you have to stand up for yourself now (youve had some brill advise on how to do that already) or you will 'wake-up' in 20yrs wondering where the hell your life went and why your son cant keep a relationship going and is sad (they only learn what is shown to them so he will think that your H is normal)

Sometimes it is much harder being a single mum in a relationship than being on your own properly. Ie - when on your own you are not let down or hurt as much when you have to do everything yourself.

I must also say that I'm worried about the way he 'guilt trips'you. Another way to put that is emotional manipulation/abuse and trust me if that is the case you really need to be on the ball before it sucks you up and leaves you an empty shell.

Sorry to be so dismal and maybe I'm transfering my own experiance onto your situation. Hope it all works out for you whatever happens.

This is sad, my friend had a boyfriend like this and in the end she threw him out.

She said her stress and owrkload went down massively, although she was then a single mum.

He was like another child, and one that took her for granted and would never grow up.

She was a lot happier when he had gone as he was like a millstone round her neck.

If he won't contribute in any way, you need to assess what you are actually getting out of this realtionship compared to what he is getting.

I'm possibly completely off base here but some men act as badly as possible with their wives when they are having an affair. Maybe it is because they are resentful of being trapped in a marriage or because they haven't got the guts to end it, I don't know. But just a thought.

Or it could just be that he is horrid. I wouldn't put up with this.

I don't think he's having an affair I think he's bone idle. What's his relationship like with his mother? Your DH sounds like one of my best male friends who was spoilt rotten by his mum and know doesn't understand why his girlfriends (including the mother of his baby) have fucked off as he's so lazy.

Don't iron. I wash DH's clothes but I won't iron them. Why should I? I only iron my own stuff if it's a rag.

Working as many hours as you do he needs to pull his finger out. I'm shocked how little he does and what little respect he has for you.

Relate?