Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Looks like it will be a messy divorce-pls help!

36 replies

iva555 · 29/11/2009 23:48

Hi,

have posted this on the legal thread so apologise for repeating it.I have been separated from my husband since January. Have just seen my solicitor to apply for divorce. My husband said he agrees to divorce and will sign the papers. But now he has received the letter and he doesn't like the allegations I have made against him and is refusing to sign. I have applied on basis of unreasonable behaviour( drug use, stealing money,not coming home for days and leaving me and my daughter who is 4). He said this will make him look like a bad dad(which he is) and I am trying to destroy him, which I am not. Now he wants me to go back to my solicitor and tell him that he cheated on me and that's why we are divorcing. I don't want to lie in court. I am meeting my solicitor tomorrow. Any advice on what I should do? And also can I get divorced if he doesn't agree to sign the papers? By the way he can't afford a lawyer!

OP posts:
iknowiamaterriblewife · 29/11/2009 23:54

Don't lie!

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 29/11/2009 23:57

Yes - don't lie! Let the solicitor handle it. Yes you can get divorced - talk to the solicitor about this too. Good luck.

Original poster
iva555 · 30/11/2009 00:03

That's what I think as well, but if he refuses to sign how long is this going to take? Also he is hiding his current address wants me to use his father's address for correspondence. He also wants to take my daughter to his place when he come sto pick her up once a week but I don't even know where he lives and where he is taking her. Now I don't know if I should say don't come at all and let the judge decide and make him tell where he lives. I have a right as a mother to be concerned because I don't know in what conditions he lives and he has a drug past.what do you think?

OP posts:
PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 30/11/2009 00:05

I really think you should lay all of this out with your solicitor tomorrow. If you have concerns about your DD's safety, then ask your solicitor what would be the best course of action. And be honest with the solicitor - don't hint, tell him/her outright what your concerns are. Have to go now, but best of luck.

Original poster
iva555 · 30/11/2009 00:36

thanks a lot

OP posts:
aurynne · 30/11/2009 01:07

I may be very wrong, but in the time I was living in the UK I was going out with a man who was separated from his wife, who wouldn't give him the divorce after 2 years of separation. According to him, if there is no agreement, a divorce is final after 5 years of separation, with no need of the other party agreeing.

Could anyone confirm/refute this?

Original poster
iva555 · 30/11/2009 01:21

I understand, but he wants to divorce....just doesn't like what I have put down as grounds for divorce. Maybe I could make my accusations less horrible....but I have said nothing but the truth though!!!!! ...soooo frustrating

OP posts:
aurynne · 30/11/2009 01:30

Without justifying him at all, the tradition of listing the reasons for divorce on paper causes many troubles in the countries where it's implemented. In Spain (my homeland) they have changed the rules, so now there's no reason needed to list a reason for divorce, and that simple measure has dramatically reduced the number of disagreements and arguments during divorce proceedings. They have also introduced the "express-divorce", by which one can get divorced in 3 months, with no previous separation time needed.

Anyway, waiting for a law-change is not a reasonable advice .

I know that it is difficult, but my advice for you is to swallow your pride, agree and write down "infidelity" if that's what he wants. It may not be the truth, but believe me, it can save you from years of dirty fighting and heartbreak. Unless you plan on reporting him to police for theft, drug use or any of the other real reasons for the divorce, they're just words on a paper. In the end you will have your divorce and your ex-H will not feel resentful and be tempted to take revenge.

Best of luck, and concentrate on moving on. A whole new life is waiting for you

aurynne · 30/11/2009 01:31

"There is no need to list a reason for divorce"... should double-ckeck before posting! :S

Original poster
iva555 · 30/11/2009 01:36

I will talk to my solicitor and see if he thinks saying infedelity will help and is a good idea. Thanks

OP posts:
Chandra · 30/11/2009 01:37

First things first, find where he lives.

Submit application, he can't disagree on the grounds but that doesn't mean that you can't divorce him or that the process will be put in hold until he agrees.

As far as I remember he has deadlines to reply, if he doesn't, it goes ahead anyway.

Chandra · 30/11/2009 01:38

sorry, that should read "he CAN disagree on the grunds..."

Original poster
iva555 · 30/11/2009 01:50

Thank you Chandra....I am so confused though. Everyone says different. I read on the internet that I can be granted divorce by the judge by default. I don't want to lie for him and make up stories....And it is free for me because I am studying at the moment and don't work an dmy solicitor said that if he defends the divorce he will have to pay all the legal costs. He can't afford that....earns peanuts!!!

OP posts:
kickassangel · 30/11/2009 02:31

I know almost nothing about divorce, but if you have concerns for your dd's safety when with him, i think you must tell the truth.

you can't exactly say you want supervised visits/limit access if you've hidden his past drug taking, can you?

this is only my opinion, but i would have thought that you need to stick to the truth, otherwise you may regret it later.

Positron · 30/11/2009 04:27

Iva555,

I personally would tell the truth, because I suspect that he may be manipulating you to lie for a reason; is he likely to file for custody of the child? if so, then of course he doesn't want to come across as an irresponsible being (drug use, stealing, etc); a cheating husband would have less imapct on your daughter than one who has had the past that you have desccribed.....

The fact is....if he want you to lie for him, then what's to stop him from making up lies about you? I would soooooo tell the truth, especially to protect your daughter.

I wish you the best of luck......

totallyawesome · 30/11/2009 06:54

if he got legal advice of his own, it would most likely be to take the examples of unreasonable behaviour on the chin and sign the papers.

IMO it would be wrong for you to cite infidelity if this is not the truth because it undermines your own position.

the best thing for you to do is to get advice off your own solicitor and take it from there.

I'd also say that agreeing the grounds for divorce is very much secondary to being able to know where he would be taking your daughter when he is taking care of her.

Chandra · 30/11/2009 09:29

I would leave the grounds as they are, you may need to refer to them in the future. Particularly if there may be problems with your child residence.

The term custody is obsolete, now they refer to it as "residency". It is almost impossible to get a full residence order awarded to just one of the parents, unless there is evidence that the other parents is a danger to their child. That evidence has to be VERY solid.

My advise would be to stop worrying, book the appointment with the solicitor ASAP and talk to them about residence orders and divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

If he decides not to reply once the court has served him with papers and by the date specified by the court, the thing just proceeds on its own.

NicknameTaken · 30/11/2009 09:32

Definitely be honest with your solicitor. My solicitor said it was possible to "soften" the grounds cited in the petition eg. you could base it on his absences and not list the other issues. It's fine to do so - you're not guilty of misrepresentation or anything. There's a difference between that and making up something that's not true.

I'd still make sure that your real concerns are clear to your solicitor, as there may be implications for residence/access. I think you have good grounds to ask for supervised access, at least at first.

LisaD1 · 30/11/2009 09:42

Can you not divorce him on the grounds of irreconsilable differences? That way there is no mud slinging and he will be more likely to agree to signing the papers? It can be a long drawn out process if you do not both agree and all that will happen is you will end up very bitter towards each other, totally skint, with a very happy, well paid solicitor! (IME anyway!)

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 30/11/2009 10:52

How did it go today Iva? I understand that there's a place for making things easier on the ex when divorcing, but I don't think that if there's a child-safety issue then you should be making any allowances.

mumoverseas · 30/11/2009 12:28

Posted on your other thread in Legal.
Hope it went ok today.

Lisa, no, you can't divorce on irreconcilable differences. There is one ground for divorce, that the marriage has irretrieveably broken down. You need to back this up with one of 5 facts.

  1. The Respondent's adultery (which they must admit or you must get proof)
  2. The Respondent's unreasonable behaviour
  3. Two years separation and consent of Respondent
  4. Desertion for in excess of 2 years (very rarely used)
  5. 5 years separation. No consent needed for this. Very rare for it to be defended, only in very extreme circumstances (grave financial or other hardship)

Hope that clarifies

BitOfFun · 30/11/2009 12:33

From what I understand, his own solicitor will advise him to accept the grounds for divorce, as in prectice to contest them will be impossible. Hold firm would be my advice.

tiredoftherain · 30/11/2009 14:36

Just going through similar, H has filed against me for unreasonable behaviour with lots of spurrious claims (despite his cheating, emotional abuse, neglect of me and dc's etc etc) and even though it doesn't nearly reflect the true situation I've been advised by my very good solicitor to accept, but on the basis that we've recorded that the terms aren't factually accurate and he's prohibited from mentioning the grounds outside a court.

So I don't think the truth makes that much difference in these situations, although I would definitely stick to your guns in your position as drugs are far more serious than the accusations against me (I'm too frivolous!) The whole process is a farce imo..

JJsandcat · 30/11/2009 14:46

Stick to your guns esp. as there's drug abuse and days of neglect and absence involved. You will need this should you wish to control your ex's contact with your little DD. Lord knows how he will treat her going forward. Best to have this recorded, it'll help you going forward. For the sake of your DD. Wishing you luck!

PerArduaAdSolInvictus · 30/11/2009 14:56

tiredoftherain - he's not going to try for residence is he? Are you sure you're not shooting yourself in the foot there? Why didn't you bring the action yourself?

Swipe left for the next trending thread