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Original poster

Anyone else feel like they are going to be single forever?

37 replies

poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 19:24

I can't be with the man I love and I am sick of people telling me to move on as I have deep feelings for him. I don't feel like dating as no one else can come close atm.
I am badly scared from my previous relationships and I no longer trust my judgement. I turned down the one I love and dated a string of loosers instead. I just don't get myself.

My parents are no bloody use and my mates are lovely but they are all coupled up and I envy some of them.

I need a kick up the bum and a self- esteen injection. At the moment I just want to curl up and hibernate. I am not able to give dd my full attention and my family have been arses to me recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 19:26

Also- how the hell is anyone with a small child going to date? I don't want to internet date atm. I want to put on a nice dress, go to some bars and flirt with real men in the flesh.
I know the internet is the way foward but it also freaks me out.

OP posts:
duke748 · 29/11/2009 19:37

Hi.

Your post sounds so sad.

Its easy in hindsight to say that someone was 'the one' but quite often it isn't as simple as that.

You said no because either a) actually you knew he wasn't right for you or b) you weren't in the right place then for a relationship.

I am, of course, over simplifying things, but it couldn't have worked at all, so no good can ever come from 'what ifs'.

I assume that he is now with someone and that is why you can't have him? In that case you HAVE to move on in your head. By going over and over things you leave no room to either look after yourself properly or give a little bit to someone else. He has too much of your 'headspace' now - its got to change in order for you to move forward.

Try to learn some lessons from your experiences. Try to make new memories. Try to spend time nutering yourself and being kind to yourself.

To be honest I don't think you need to be dating just yet. Concentrate on you first. But when the time comes, you can do the going out and meeting men, it doesn't have to be interent based. There are loads of ideas for meeting men. But please, not yet.

Forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you feel you have made. Look after yourself. Oh - and listen to some of those songs on the lst thread - will instantly lift your mood!

duke748 · 29/11/2009 19:38

'nuturing' not 'netering'! Oops!

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 19:53

thanks duke. yes i know lots of self-love and work on self are needed first!

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 19:55

i just feel like whoever i get with next will be a twunt like my exes have been.

OP posts:
Janos · 29/11/2009 20:47

PSM

I can understand the place you are in. I think it's something that all single mums get because it's just such hard work.

However, when you think about it, being on your own isn't a bad thing at all. Yes it's bloody lonely sometimes but better than being with some arsehole.

Janos · 29/11/2009 20:51

You could try looking at it is this way PSM. You are raising your daughter on your own. That shows real strength of character.

There are women out there who will put up with all sorts of appalling behaviour just because they are so frightened of being on their own, and that is the saddest thing of all.

Meglet · 29/11/2009 20:56

janos you are quite right

I have 2 pre-schoolers (so never go out) and a psychotic XP who might try and thump any man I meet. So am resigned to being single for a few years, not great, but the complications of a new DP would be huge.

And, yes, another one here who doesn't trust her judgement anymore.

I was single for 7 years before I met XP, so I can do it again.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 20:59

What about all those ladies who are with lovely men though? Why cann't I be one of those?

OP posts:
Meglet · 29/11/2009 21:03

Because the lovely men are as rare as rocking horse poo. I know a lot of people in relationships and only a few who seem to have truly decent DH's.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 29/11/2009 21:06

PSM - why do you feel you have to be one of these ladies?

same as there are ladies with lovely blokes, there's also alot of women who are with wrong men just because they feel they NEED someone.

you just need you (and dc of course)

its not worse to be single.

its just different than being a couple.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 21:09

Because I have never been part of a functioning couple and I think it would be nice to experience for that for a change. Why should I be single forever? Why shouldn't I experience true love? It's hard work being alone.
I think that's what people think now. Posh is terminally single. That's just the way she is. Put her in the terminally single pigeonhole. She's doing fine alone and dosn't need a man. Hmmmm. Not sure. I'm fine I know it but it would have been nice to share my pregnancy at least with a loving partner.

OP posts:
elastamum · 29/11/2009 21:14

I expect to be single for a long time yet and having got my head round the idea its not too bad at all. I like my own space, deciding what I am gong to do with the kids and whilst I could do with a cuddle sometimes I am not lonely, I just have a different type of family to most people. As I type the kids and my au pair are watching top gear, her BF is messing around with his mountain bike, the dogs are all snoring and i am pretending to work

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 21:19

i can see the positives with being single and i do apprechiate it but i would love to experience the positives of being with a man too.

OP posts:
DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 29/11/2009 21:22

its hard work being in relationships too.. yeah good ones chug along great. but still require work.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 21:33

I know- but at least you can get a decent shag in return for your efforts!

OP posts:
Janos · 29/11/2009 21:37

PSM, just cause you are single now doesn't mean that's it, end of story, you are gonna be single forever.

How old are you...late 20s?

I split up with my XP when I was 31. Single mum living on her own with very little support. I'm 35 now. Lets just say, it's been an adventure.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 29/11/2009 21:38

lol... ok ok... there are different advantages and disadvantages to being single and in couple.

but truth is... even if you find a relationship.

you wont be happy in it until you accept being single and enjoy your own company.

so quicker you get on with improving your own appreciation of yourself... quicker you will appreciate a relationship.

stop fretting about not being in one and crack on with loving yourself.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 21:39

I am 31. Still young! I am just feeling self-pitying atm. It will pass! Thanks for the boost Janos. I do dig hole ssometimes!
I need a life rehaul I think.

OP posts:
pottycock · 29/11/2009 21:43

I'm 31 and separating at the moment, although there hasn't been a 'relationship' to speak of for the last two years since dd was born.

I'm not scared of being on my own as nothing could be worse than the last couple of years, but it does make me very sad to think this is probably it for me. I wouldn't want to bring someone into dd's life while she is so young, and can't for the life of me imagine where or when I would ever meet anyone new anyway. Internet dating also scares the shit out of me and I can't see myself ever having the tenacity to do something like that.

How long have you been on your own PSM?

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 29/11/2009 21:50

Hi potty cock (cool name!) I've been on my own since I was four months pregnant. That's almost two years then.
I am ''mates'' with dds dad but I don't love him anymore. It isn't ''it'' for us. It's just easy to feel like that sometimes.
My friend just got married an dshe's 60 so I guess that stories like that inspire me.
I think special juice is right. self love first!

OP posts:
pottycock · 29/11/2009 22:04

Yes, I am hopefully getting to the stage of being able to be mates with dd's daddy but it has been a hard slog as things really became quite unpleasant between us. He started renting somewhere a couple of months ago and we see him one evening during the week and then both days at the weekend.

It's not 'it' for us either, and not what I wanted for dd, but we are doing okay on our own - and in reality I have been doing it on my own in far more adverse circs since she was born but it still hurts to think there's no love for me on an adult level - not even that bothered about the sex (how sad is that?!), just the lack of love and companionship feels like a big gaping hole. I am depressing myself now!!

iva555 · 29/11/2009 22:04

Hi poshsinglemum,

I split up with my husband in january and will be going through a messy divorce now. I feel the same. I have a feeling I will be single forever. Let's hope not

agingoth · 29/11/2009 22:48

hi PSM
can I join the 'Iwillbesingleforever' club?

I am going through a hideously messy divorce (hello iva555, another club to join- not that anyone would actually want to)

am moving back into H's house in order to have a chance of keeping my kids and possibly having a career...

so I frankly doubt I'll be out dating in the next year or two. Unless I meet an amazingly easygoing bloke who can accommodate, lmao..

I'm 37, feel I'm losing my looks etc, sounds so shallow but who is going to have me with my disastrous history and two (gorgeous I may say) dcs in tow...

Also am just ending a thoroughly unsuitable and destructive 'relationship' that has made things so much worse this year but retains some of that addictive quality- mostly because it promised a lot more than it ever delivered.

Like you PSM it seems as if that was my last chance for love even though the guy turned out to be a selfish cock like all the rest (excuse language).
also (shallow) it's soooo hard to live without sex isn't it

tiredoftherain · 29/11/2009 23:15

Oh me too. My solicitor says everyone he sees says this, and within 2 years they are invariably coupled up. Right now I can't even think about going through this again, but hopefully I will at some point. There are lots of good people out there, it' just a matter of finding them!