Coping with school mums...

[Genevive]

My daughter goes to a small primary school where there are various cliches of mums

When we first went, 5 years ago now, there was one particular cliche with a boss ring-leader. She later said she hated me on the spot, but later decided I was OK and we became friends and had a good relationship for awhile though we didn't have much in common. She's quite a gossip and always knows everybodies business. Others in the cliche were my friends also and we've all been around each others houses and had many happy times over the school holidays.

For some reason, and I haven't a clue why, ring-leader has been cold-shouldering me for the last few years for no apparent reason. She was always quite bullying of me and trying to tell me what to do and then got annoyed if I didn't take her advice over things. That is the only thing I can think of.

If I join the group in the playground and try to make conversation with her, she'll slowly turn around so I'm looking straight at her back less than a foot away. After this kept happening I started to talk to other people and kept my distance and then eventually stopped even taking part in the group. It was really hurtful and I got fed up of being cold-shouldered (literally).

Well, after the Summer holiday, when I didn't hear from any of them, they've all been cool towards me and I don't know why. Some, still haven't spoken to me since we got back in September. Recently, I said hello to a few and they seemed OK but cool.

The ring-leader I am not too bothered about now but its the others that are hurting me the most now. They've all been around my house and many of them I have tried to help in various ways and given them things etc. I've really put myself out for one in particular who was going through a bad time and needed a friend. I am famous for not gossiping and can keep a secret, so I know it's not anyting I have said.

Now the new batch of mothers have joined the school, one seem to be giving me snooty looks too.She has palled up with the one who I helped the most and who had the same sense of humour as me. I see them laughing and joking and I feel really lonely. I'm standing in the playground on my own quite often and now don't try to talk to them.

It has really got me down, and made me depressed and felt close to tears on many occasions. It's hurt my daughter too.

I'm probably been stand-offish with them too but it's been fear of rejection. They may think it's me that's changed but I'm sure the ring-leader has something to do with it.

I know there isn't any answers anybody can give but I just wanted to put my thoughts down at last and say how unhappy I've been.

I feel like there's something wrong with me - it's just like being at school again myself!!

Its school - you dont attend it!! drop off and pick up with an air of mystery and find some decent friends instead of these jealous old hags.

How is it hurting your daughter? I'd try and get to school just before the bell and leave as soon as possible etc so at least you don't have to see all this going on. After a few weeks of a break like this you can go back to your normal routine, "healed". I think you need to get some distance and a bit of out-of-sight and out-of-mind on this one.

agree with nickschick.
Air of mystery.

Some women are just plain cows, end of story.
Find some new friends. You only need one playground ally.
Stuff the rest.

" it's just like being at school again myself!!"

and honestly, that's just what it sounds like.

I talk to everyone (not a nutter, honestly) but really there must be 6 or 7 groups of mums/parents at our school and I feel happy enough talking to any of them, or sometimes none.

Really, the school sounds bizarre and I think you should follow Nicks advice.

yip drop em off and wave em off

try to get timings right for pick up.

I too dont understand this need to be liked and accepted by other parents. I am willing to pass the time of day with anyone whilst waiting in the playground but I'm not there to make life long friends. That's for my children to do.

This week the weather up here has been truly terrible. Its as quick as I can get them in the door and get home to get on with my day. Yet you always see other parents hanging about, walking slowly so they can mix with the so called popular mums. I have too much self respect for that.

why arent there any school transport?
then there wouldnt be need for such misery and occasion for such bullies.
what kind of people such ring leaders etc. i cant understand.

???? Are you a child there or a parent I'm confused, it sounds like the children ??

Well I can understand how this could be upsetting but if they are being cool I wouldn't try too hard to make friends with people like that. If there isn't anyone you really click with then don't blame yourself - they actually sound horrible and not friend material.

(I'm really sorry to point it out when you're already feeling down but you keep referring to cliches when I think you mean cliques).

Genevive are you a sahm? I am and the school playground is one place to make friends so it can be crushing when this happens.

I have been in this kind of cliche where the other Mums clearly have nothing better to do than pass gossip around. I have distanced myself from this a bit this year because of where our youngest children go into school but know that they are gossiping about my impending house move behind my back. They found my house was for sale on the internet and none of them have asked me about it directly!

I will happily talk to anyone but seem to talk more to those Mums whose children are in the same class as my son mainly for information as 6yr old boys are useless at passing on stuff teachers have told them.

Kill them with kindness, smile and say hello to all, hold your head high, and make out you are not bothered by any of it. I do this daily oh and I also sometimes dash in for collection at the last second with my MP3 player on

this all sounds so familiar ....i have one or 2 people i talk to and thats it , no coffee mornings ,no nights out nothing , im totally uninvited any where , at first i was very hurt as was making a real effort to ""fit in"" but im not the kind of gossipy type ... and havent he brain power or time to keep up with it all ... also they all seem to drink loads ....from things iv seen on school events and heard snips of things , seems to be the thing to do ...
dont get me wrong a to like a little drink of a weekend.but dont go mad , as i cant really hold my drink o well 2 glasses of wine and im gone ...

i just drop off and pick up , and go home ... and thats how i like it

Having moved around a bit and witnessed school gate mummies at varying places I think its just the kind of popular kids at school that carry on to want to be in a clique at the school gate....generally by the time your a mummy you should have your own circle of friends and school gate friendships arent that important.

They really aren´t the sort of people that you want as friends,are they?

Does your daughter have friends she plays with?

Sorry to be pedantic-but I think you mean clique.

Although I have to say that I love the idea of a cliche of schoolmums!

I think you're giving them all far too much of your brain space and personally would let them get on with it!

I never mix with the other parents at my DD1's school, will say hello/smile if someone does the same to me, other than that I breeze in, drop off/pick up and breeze back out again. She is almost 10 now and it has never stopped her making friends/going to or having playdates or going to parties etc. My daughter can choose her school friends,as can yours, doesn't mean the parents need to be friends too.

Be polite and nothing more, makes life a whole lot easier IMO.

I agree with LisaD1. Be polite, say hello and leave them to it. Make sure you have a smile on your face too - never show them you're upset.
If people are so easily brain-washed and have to hang around in cliques like they have no mind of their own, then let them. Personally, I'd want nothing to do with it, but I can understand you're hurt at this behaviour, especially as you've invested time and effort with some of them.

Genevive It's like this at schools everywhere. I really cannot be arsed with people like the ones you're worrying about. Life's too short, there are far more interesting people out there than these small minded people. And they are small minded if they've started cutting you out like this after being friends with you.

Run in and run out, that's the way to go!

Children go to school, parents drop them off. Most of us have our own friends from school, college, where we work(ed) etc. etc. If you want to make friends why not join a class or activity where you can be fairly certain there will be like minded people?

Mothers in schooyard = bitchfest on the whole.

Would you be upset if random people in your supermarket ignored you? No obviously not.

School drop off is like going to the supermarket. It is a chore, not a social ocassion. Treat it as such and life gets easier.

ROFL at 'cliche' of Mums. It is 'clique' [though the horrible school mothers is a cliche in its own right]

I get upset by a few of them yes. But really, life is too short to be affected by the fuckers. There are nice people out there, you have to look out for them.

Don't let it bother you. their obviously a bunch of bitches anyway, I hardly talk to anyone at my DS's school (only about 3 mums) the rest of them I might say a quick hello and thats it, can't be bothered with all that clique crap.

'I am famous for not gossiping'
I love it!!!

As above, don't let it bother you.
It's such childish stuff - them, not you - I'm sure your daughter will be up against it at some point. This is your oportunity to show her how to cope with this type of bitchiness.

So smile & chin up!

Gun them down.

I would be so upset if this happened to me, so i do really sympathise. I don't just drop and run, many good friends have been made from people just chatting in the playground at pick up and drop off (I work 2.5 days a week as well - so not just dependant on the school mums for friends.)

I wonder if you could draw aside one of the 'lesser' mums you used ot be friends with and ask her straight out why you are being ostracised.

It could be a comment taken incorrectly (as I had happen to me) or this woman is just truly a bitch. In which case, I would agree. Start by chatting to more approachable mums in the meantime.