I think I need to leave :-(

[ShinyAndNew]

I have stuck with the relationship, being unhappy and feeling bullied and unappreciated since I was pregnant with dd2. She is two now.

I had hoped when we moved we would get the new start I was promised, but things are just as bad.

There are too many things going wrong to even list here. But my main bug bear is a) the groping and sexual harrassment and b) the "why haven't you done" "why haven't you bought" "why didn't you" etc etc which makes me want to scream WHAt. ABOUT. YOU?

Everything, but, everything is my fault. He takes no responsibility for anything.

I don't want to have to leave, but, if i don't I can't see it getting any better, or, me getting any happier or getting back my confidence. I am swore at and undermined constantly and I don't feel that this is healthy and it's causing problems with my dd's. They see him disrepect me so much, they think it is a normal thing to do.

The latest is: He couldn't give d2 breakfast, while I went to Tesco to pick up a few bits, because there is no cereal. There is porridge but he has never bothered learning how to make it. There is bread. There is cheese. There is peanut butter.

It is my fault there is no cereal, because I didn't pay my bills in our last house and no he has to, so he cannot afford to go food shopping like agreed. Erm, hold on a second WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU LIVING??? Oh yes, with me. FOR FREE. They are not my bills they are our bills that I couldn't afford to pay, because I wasn't working for the most part and was getting no help from him.

I know I am not blameless in all this. But I have given up trying, when it is thrown back in my face constantly.

is there anything good about this relationship?
if not then leave, at least temporarily to get some space and think.

He is a good dad. But off the top of my head right now, that is the only good point I can think of.

Oh, he looks after the dd's when I am ill and will phone in work to do so.

That last sentence is just so sad.

You and your kids deserve better.

You need to get yourself some space. Can he stay with someone else for a bit?

do you have somewhere to go?

He could but he won't because it is HIS house, so why should he?

I'd just like him to get counselling, he is depressed and seems to have very little awareness of what is an accpetable way to treat people. He talks to his mum the same way he speaks to me, and to him that is healthy and acceptable.

I believe that if he got help, maybe things would go back to how they were before dd2. He knows I think he needs help, but refuses to get any.

I don't feel like I love him anymore. He knows this too, but refuses to change.

ZZZenagain, no I don't. But there is a house for rent around the corner from here, that requires no bond. It is fully furnished, newly decorated and the landlord would wait for HB to start paying the rent. DH knows I have phoned about this house, yet he still had a go at me this morning. He doesn't seem to understand I am not ahppy and things need to change. He is far too absorbed in how he is feeling.

If you have the offer of a house why not just pack and go now? You know he isn't going to change and right now he has no reason too.

Go, get the house. This will result in either;

a - you eventually realise that he isn't going to change and you will be happier as will your dc's.

b - he is shocked into going for counselling, improves and you go back to having a loving relationship in time.

Either way is and improvement. If you don't want things to change, then stay put.

I guess I am scared to leave. Incase it spells the end of our relationship, which atm I don't want. I just want things to change. The last few years have been incrediably hard on him, but he can't see the effect they have had on him.

Maybe I am just making excuses for him and he will never change I don't know.

Will there ever be a time when enough is enough and I become certain that I need to leave? Or do I just need to bite the bullet and do it now? Even though I am not certain it is what I want?

There are loads of things we could both do to improve things, but I just have the energy or inclination to make those things happen, right now.

He will only change if he really wants to. It's hard work to change your character. Don't think I would be great at doing that myself.

You say he has changed towards you, bascially treating you as badly as he treats his own mum (because you are now a mum yourself?)

So before you had kids, he was nice to you? Or was this negative stuff there in the beginning too, just less pronounced?

No in the begining he was great. I don't think it dd2 that has changed things. She just happened to come along at a time where there were other really bad things going on his life too.

He has always behaved like a twunt towards his mum. Swearing at her and disrespecting her. But he treats me worse than her.

I suppose looking back, there were warning signs, like telling me I looked like a slapper in certain outfits, or telling me I looked fat in things (I was a size 8 and I am 5ft8). But I just put that down to him not having much experience in relationships and maybe not knowing how treat/talk to women. But those things only happened occasionally. And I got many more compliments than I did insults. He was supportive and helpfull in the house and liked to go out places with me and dd1.

We never go anywhere as a family or a couple anymore.

On a practical note, are either of you working?

Is your house owned or rented?

On the emotional side, I think you need to give him an ultimatum: either he goes to the GP to talk about the depression AND you book some sessions with relate,no later than tomorrow, or you're moving out on Monday.

He owns the house. He works f/t I work p/t. He owns all the furniture too. If I moved out, even though the house is fully furnished, I would have no bed for dd2, no washer or other electrical goods.

The house around the corner has all the soft furninshings, but only has a single bed in what would be the dd's room and no electrical goods other than the oven and I think Fridge/freezer.

In that case I'd echo CHloe's advice.

Good luck.

Shiny,

He is patently not a good Dad if he is treating the mother of his children like this. Can you not see the contridiction here?. Women usually write that when they can themeselves think of nothing positive to write about their man.

All this man is doing is dragging you - and your child - down with him.

Better to be apart and happier than to be badly accompanied.

What are you teaching your children about relationships here?. They are picking up on all of this from both of you. How would you feel if you daughters became stuck in the same sort of relationship, you've taught this to them as well.

I do not say this lightly at all but you and he need to be apart from each other. This is not working for anyone any more.

Shiny,

Re your comments:-

"I guess I am scared to leave. Incase it spells the end of our relationship, which atm I don't want. I just want things to change. The last few years have been incrediably hard on him, but he can't see the effect they have had on him".

I think you are scared indeed.
This is going nowehere and you at heart know it. He has also made you too scared to leave. People do not change unless they want to. I am sorry but many people also have had a few hard years behind them, this does not give them carte blanche to treat their partner badly. And certainly not all men do this. He is responsible for his own actions, he does not at heart I think want to change. You could wait even more years and get even further dragged down waiting for his own epihany, which is likely as well not to occur.

"Maybe I am just making excuses for him and he will never change I don't know".

In a word, yes.

"Will there ever be a time when enough is enough and I become certain that I need to leave? Or do I just need to bite the bullet and do it now? Even though I am not certain it is what I want?"

Well hopefully not in say five years time when your children are at school and are even more aware of their parents unhappiness. This affects their perception of relationships markedly. you do NOT want them to grow up thinking this is at all normal. It is not. It is perhaps only when you are out of this dysfunctional, yes abusive relationship that you will perhaps only see what damage he has really inflicted. Damage which will take you some considerable tome to recover from.

It is not surprising that he treats his Mum with the same contempt; his own Dad likely did the same and their son has learnt from that. His problems are deeply rooted and as his partner you are the last person who can help him. I do not mean to be unkind here but that is fact.

"There are loads of things we could both do to improve things, but I just have the energy or inclination to make those things happen, right now".

You cannot fix a relationship on your own.
Again you cannot carry the other person here, you're enabling all this by being there with him. He has no incentive to change because at heart as well he thinks he has done nothing wrong towards you.

There is another thread on here about emotional abuse further down these pages. You should read it. That poster got out with very few possessions and has used her family, freecycle and friends to obtain more items. She eventually escaped her abusive partner; you can too.

Thanks Attilla. Yes in my heart I do know what I need to do. I don't think I am ready to take that step yet, but I know I need to.

I will certainly take on board your comments and will have a good think.

I don't think his dad was like that. But I don't know for sure. I never met him. He died before i met DH. But mil is always me how good he was.

Why wait if you know what you need to do?

The sooner you go, the sooner your child's life can start getting better.

To put things into perspective a little. My dh and I have been through really rough times for the last ten years.

But he has never taken it out on me or the dc. He has no right to do that.

He respects me and fights to keep our family strong and healthy.

What right does your dh have to treat you badly when things are difficult in his life? None. You deserve respect. As an absolute minimum.

He sounds like a classic emotional abuser...see the other thread on that topic.

He is NOT a good dad because he treats you like shit. A good dad would not show his kids how to treat their mother like shit.

He also sounds like a woman hater if he does this to his mum, he does not seem to see you as people.

I suspect that when your daughter hits puberty he will start on her as well

Fab, I can't answer that because I honestly do not know the answer. If it was a friend sat in front of me, telling me what I am writing, I would physically remove her from the situation if I had to. I know it is wrong. I know that he has no right to make me feel this way, or speak to me the way he does.

I feel responsible for most/some of it though. Which rationally I know is wrong, but I do think find myself thinking but if I kpet the house cleaner/gave him sex more often/earned more money then things would be better.

And I know how that sounds. None of the above give him the right to swear at me/call me names or put me down in front of the children. I know that, yet I am still scared to the next step and leave.

In a way if he was physically violent, it would be easier, because I would know that was not my fault and I would know that it was deliberate.

He makes me question myself all the time. And I find myself thinking "Well actually, he is right, he isn't that bad" Which in some respects he isn't. But the bad bits far outweigh the good.

When it's written down like this, it all looks a lot worse than it seems most days. But deep down I know he has no respect for me or women in general.

None of that makes sense dose it?

I'm sorry to say this but I can't really see how this man will change.

He doesn't value you. And saying that the years have been hard on him is an example of your good nature trying to justify things for him.

Is he willing to see a counsellor?

One thing that really stands out is your acute awareness of all the things that belong to him. Posessions.

From the moment I moved in with my partner (now DH) none of that mattered. We didn't have much but there was never a sense of "this is yours, that is mine".

He has clearly made you feel grateful for living there. That is not a loving relationship.

Emotionally abuse causes more long term damage than physical imo.

And giving him sex? Good God girl, get out.

one thing you mention in your OP shiney is that you are really concerned about his "groping and sexual harrassment". What do you mean (if you are comfortable to talk about it here that is)? Is he groping you in public?

Hi Shiny,

re your comment:-

"I feel responsible for most/some of it though. Which rationally I know is wrong, but I do think find myself thinking but if I kpet the house cleaner/gave him sex more often/earned more money then things would be better".

Oh Shiny. You are an emotionally abused woman at your partner's hands. You need to put such thoughts away from your mind. You know this is wrong.

EAs do not see counsellors because they think that they are "right" and that "everyone else" is at fault. Counselling though for yourself solely is a good idea. No point at all in having any joint sessions.

You know deep down you could be the "perfect" partner and he would still find fault with you. You are not responsible for any of his behaviours twoards you. Your only "fault" here is ignoring the early warning signs of abuse (I note he said nasty things about your appearance) because that was just the start of how he would become towards you. He buttered you up and targeted you, you perhaps met him at a time when you were very emotionally vulnerable yourself. Also abusers are not nasty the whole time, if they were no-one would want to be with them.
But they operate on a constant circle of "nice" then "nasty".

What about your children here as well - they are being affected by their parents behaviours here. Neither of your children will ultimately thank you for staying with him if this is what you choose, they could well as adults accuse you of putting him before them as children. IS that really what you want, this is no legacy you should be leaving them.

I think his actions are and have been quite deliberate and are designed to keep you in "your place".

Have you thought about contacting Womens Aid; they can also advise you.

He will further destroy you and your kids emotionally if you stay.