I think I need to leave :-(

[ShinyAndNew]

I have stuck with the relationship, being unhappy and feeling bullied and unappreciated since I was pregnant with dd2. She is two now.

I had hoped when we moved we would get the new start I was promised, but things are just as bad.

There are too many things going wrong to even list here. But my main bug bear is a) the groping and sexual harrassment and b) the "why haven't you done" "why haven't you bought" "why didn't you" etc etc which makes me want to scream WHAt. ABOUT. YOU?

Everything, but, everything is my fault. He takes no responsibility for anything.

I don't want to have to leave, but, if i don't I can't see it getting any better, or, me getting any happier or getting back my confidence. I am swore at and undermined constantly and I don't feel that this is healthy and it's causing problems with my dd's. They see him disrepect me so much, they think it is a normal thing to do.

The latest is: He couldn't give d2 breakfast, while I went to Tesco to pick up a few bits, because there is no cereal. There is porridge but he has never bothered learning how to make it. There is bread. There is cheese. There is peanut butter.

It is my fault there is no cereal, because I didn't pay my bills in our last house and no he has to, so he cannot afford to go food shopping like agreed. Erm, hold on a second WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU LIVING??? Oh yes, with me. FOR FREE. They are not my bills they are our bills that I couldn't afford to pay, because I wasn't working for the most part and was getting no help from him.

I know I am not blameless in all this. But I have given up trying, when it is thrown back in my face constantly.

Apparently because we don't have sex, he has to grope me to get anything. Yes I know how that sounds.

He grabs my boobs and bum constantly, even in front of the children. I am 'not normal' when I tell him I don't like this.

The sexual harrassment is things like telling me "I'm going to do you tonght" and then getting stroppy when I get annoyed by this. I mean, honestly, how many women, would actually find that attractive?

When we are bed, he will put his hands on my boobs, and when I move them, because I have no interset in having sex with him, he will move them back. I have to physically force his hands off me. He then goes in a mood.

We don't have sex because of this. He says if we had sex more often he would stop. He NEEDS to stop this anyway. If it was anyone else doing this to me, he would phone the police on them.

There is NO physical closeness in the relationship anymore. If I try to hug him, I get groped. If we do have the sex, the harrassment gets worse.

And I DO NOT like being told that I am going to be 'done tonight'. I fail to see how any woman would find that sexy.

I have been sat on the toilet before and he will come and wave his cock in my face telling me to 'suck this, while you are there". He finds this hysterical. I find it disturbing and a major turn off. The children are often in the next room while he is doing this

Shiny

I felt at reading your previous post.

You and your children would be far better off in a refuge, at the very least you need to be well away from his malign abusive prescence in your day to day lives.

This is all about power and control; he wants that completely over you. Abuse is all about power and control.

"he is a good dad". Um, no he's not. Not if he leaves DD to go hungry without breakfast because there's no cereal even though there are plenty of other food types in the house, he is not a good dad.

I never cease to be amazed by women who say, "he's a good dad" while what they really mean is, "he plays with the children and they love him."

I think bad dads encourage this view of themselves as "good dads" because it gives the woman (in this case, you) another reason to feel bad for asking or demanding more.

Jeez. Get out of there pronto. He sounds like a total jerk

The last sentence is just too much.

Please, pack a bag and go. You somewhere to go, you are not trapped. Get a blow up mattress for tonight, Just go.

that sounds like it has spiralled badly out of control shiney. I have a friend who had a relationship get a bit that way but she left in the end. Too big an animosity developped between them because of this whole sex issue and she wasn't willing to attempt to bridge it after a bit. She did not have dc though which I suppose really does make it easier to leave.

I could imagine he is not the only man who would react in some way like this to a decline in active sexual relationships. He is really throwing it in your face now, isn't he? And as a woman it is very unlikely you'd respond to that kind of crudity with anything other than more rejection of it - and so it continues: You wanting emotional intimacy before you feel ready for the physical intimacy, him behaving worse and worse because he does not have the physical intimacy he feels he needs or wants.

Have you ever considered seeing a counsellor on your own if he is against it?

I am always really reluctant to tell people to leave their partner because really we on MN only ever get a sliver of the poster's life and it is so hard to judge but if you were my dd shiny, I would like you to leave that relationship.

I could live without a fridge (certainly in this weather) but I would be miserable if my partner came into the bathroom and did something like that whether in the hearing of my dc or not.

Please spend a day as if you had totally made up your mind to leave - and see if it doesn't sit well with you.

ok, he is emotionally abusive yes, he IS physically abusive YES, he gropes you, you have to force him to stop touching you!! He is NOT a good dad!
And of course you are scared of leaving, the real reason (as I well know)is because you know he will be worse/step it up!

Please please leave now, I honestly know how very very hard it is, I do, there are a lot of us here who have been through it!
Every single one of us will tell you, that no matter how hard it was to get away, no matter what he did, it was and is a million times better without him!!

FWIW, it will almost certainly get worse

'Have you ever considered seeing a counsellor on your own if he is against it?
' I think that would be a very good idea zzzenagain. I feel like I have lost so much of myself to this relationship.

I would never have tolerated any of this in the begining. Maybe if I get counselling and build up a little confidence again, I will have the strength I need to leave him.

Where would I go to arrange counselling? Would it be my GP or Relate?

"I feel responsible for most/some of it though. Which rationally I know is wrong, but I do think find myself thinking but if I kpet the house cleaner/gave him sex more often/earned more money then things would be better".

Even if you did all of those things then he would find something else to criticise, purely because he doesn't want to take any responsibility for his actions and lack of self control.

I've posted this all over the boards and would recommend any woman in a similar situation to you to do the 12 week freedom program. It will help to boost your self esteem and being in a group of women with similar experiences is powerful tool in recovering from emotional and physical abuse.

I'd give women's aid a call and see if they can provide some advice and maybe signpost you to a counsellor.

Help, and sorry to barge in. Somewhere on this thread someone recommended a book about relationship breakdown and now I cannot find it. The thing that caught my eye was something about the corrosive nature of not being kind to each other anymore -- not being mean, but just not making nice gestures. can someone remember what it was??? ta

is your GP sympathethic? please go and tell teh GP what you have said on here and explain you would like referral to counsellor - but there may well be a wait list.

it is very important you tell someone else about the sexual attacks (the bathroom incident for example - is horrendous - my exP did similar when in throes of a depressive/psychosomething breakdown; it is awful) - womens aid on the phone, your GP, someone else in RL....

dont go to relate with him - he will just contorl and manipulate it. you need to speak to soneone in person on your own and express what you have said here.

this is no relationship... you get nothing from it. he gets nothing from it either does he? but he thinks you SHOULD provide for him, you should be there however he wants because he says so...

Shiny...do phone women's aid. They will be a good first step for you.

Do not consider any form of joint counselling, your DH will use it to show you are wrong (his version of wrong means "not doing as she is told by me").

It's quite rare I post on MN these days, but I couldn't not reply to this. Shiny, your posts remind me so much of my old life with my X.

I agree with everyone else that you need to get out of the relationship. While abusers can and do change, it is extremely rare (less than 5% I think). That said, I easily remember being where you are, where your rational mind knows the relationship is unhealthy and that you need to leave, but your emotions and energy just cannot catch up. In my case, I waited until my XP had me by the throat against the bathroom wall and threatened to kill me in front of my 4-month-old twins before I finally leapt into action. Please try to leave before things go that far.

You and I both know that if he died tomorrow, after the initial grief you'd cope fine and probably be happier than ever. You're not scared of a future on your own. What you're scared off is what you'll have to go through to get that future. Breakups are horrible at the best of times, but with an abuser they can be a nightmare. But far from being scary, try to think of this as a reinforcement. If you know you can cope and that you'd be happier, it just goes to show how necessary it is to get this malign influence out of your life.

If you're not ready, and you suspect he is going to make life very difficult (sadly, you are probably right in the short term), try reading this book by Lundy Bancroft. It is not aimed only at women who experience physical veiolence. It will show you how the abuse works in your relationship and help you to better understand what is happening to you. it will help to make you ready to leave and will provide you with ideas as to how to do that safely and efficiently.

Lastly, never lose sight of what you're aiming for long term. It's 3 years since I left my XP. He was a [insert string of expletives here] for several months, but once he realised that I wasn't going to be intimidated or manipulated, and most importantly that I just didn't care what he said or did anymore, he actually settled down. Now he can't influence my life in any way other than his behaviour towards the DC. I have never looked back. I left that house with the clothes on my back, my children, and nothing else (he wouldn't even let me back in for the bottles or formula). Now I work full time, own my own home, have two wonderful children and a small number of loyal supportive friends. I've had the last laugh and have never been happier. You can be that free, with your own life and a happy, peaceful home too.

In the meantime, keep talking on MN and to your real-life friends. When the time comes, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the support that comes your way. I know I was. And once the initial crisis is over (i.e. the point you actually break up) things just tend to happen of their own accord. Apprehension of something is nearly always worse than when it actually happens...

Good luck.

ShineyAndNew, I agree with OptimistS. If he wasn't around anymore, you'd survive; and would do so without question.

You are no longer thinking about your needs because you are dictated to by his. Your own life has been put on hold, all your energy is going into coping with his moods and demands. You have become a slave to making things tolerable in your own life by keeping him apeased. This is the life of an emotionally abused woman.

There is another option for you.
It is a life free from his control and influence. You could separate from him and bring your dc up alone. It won't be easy, but you know what, you'll cope. You have coped with a lot of shite so far - it'll be easier on your own with just you in charge.

It's an option, and you can take comfort in knowing that it is there - you still have some control in your life!
I hope you give it serious consideration. You are worth so much more and are capable beyond what you think you are. Good luck x

Good morning Shiny,

You have become a watcher a time watcher just like many of us who had been in very much the same position as yourself.

Your thoughts are no matter where you are or what you are doing will turn to him.

Your life is not your own anymore.

Now lets change that shall we Shiny, start focusing on you yes you.

You have to get back your power remember the young lady a few years back who had confidence selfless, always smileing, took pride in herself walked tall couldn't wait for tomorrow to come as she had something else to look forward to!.

Well i'm going to help bring back that fantastic woman who not so long ago fell in a hole and lost the ladder to climb back out all because she walked blindly into a relationship that unknowing to her held nothing positive for her future happiness and well being.

The secret to you getting you back is to take very tiny steps, the first positive step was to find us, now lets take the second, start makeing a list, positive and negative about him this will help you focus on why you need to get your power back, if his negatives outway the positives you will then see and understand where all your strenght has gone over the years, and believe me the negative list will get longer as the years move on as his needs will change and will want you to provide, HE will drain on your emiotional well being just to make himself feel better.

You will end up a shaddow of your former self just trying to figure him out, he will move the goal posts and will confuse you into thinking most things were and are your fault if only you did this or that, time is moveing forward but your happiness and well being has not. Ok let me put this another way, do you really think he worrys about the relationship the way you do?

I think no is the answer......start keeping a journal,trust me a pattern will start showing even in a week when you read it back, plus it will help you to focus on you.

Shiny you deserve better and yes your children will as they grow older remind you whatever choice you make by there actions whether you done it right by the way they treat you.
Everything he does negative now towards you is totally unexceptable, walk away do not scream or shout or even try to reason with him, he will love what ever attention you give him, if as time moves on by you showing him now that you will not bow to his demands and negativaty will provide you with convidence and yourself worth.

Thinking of you x

Please, Shiny, go to Womens Aid, and start making plans to take yourself and your precious DCs out of this. That house you mentioned only lacks a bed for DD, right? There's got to be a mattress or an airbed floating around somewhere. As for a washing machine, how about a laundrette for the time being and watching on Freecycle. These are details that can be sorted out, maybe even with the help of MNers.

You need so much to get to counselling for yourself -- not with the H under any circumstances. This would actually be dangerous, judging by the bathroom incidents you told about The Freedom programme in Women's Aid might be just the thing.

There was a post on MN a few months ago where the poster talked about a size 12 shoe on her soul, and that is what you have on you.

xxxx Please keep on posting

Please phone Women's Aid and go to a refuge. It sounds like a living nightmare.