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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH, Ex Girlfriends and Facebook

60 replies

TinaSparkles · 25/11/2009 21:10

I've been on Facebook for over a year and on Sunday my DH decided to join so I set him up with an account suggesting lots of people we both know. I was logged into his new a/c to keep an eye on who his friends were on the Sunday and he made a lighthearted comment about me prying on him and I said I wouldn't go into his account personally because everthing I would need to see would be on his profile from my own login. On Sunday night he went on to search for people he knew through work and university etc.

So on Monday I had a nose at who his new friends were and - lo and behold - one of the first to come up was his ex-girlfriend from Uni. He's only mentioned her a few times when we first started seeing each other, 10 years ago, and from what he says they were still friends but split after she was seeing someone else, behind his back, though everyone else knew. From what I can tell she lives far away and they've never been in touch since they graduated.

I know logically that she was one of the group of friends at uni and the I myself have been curious about past boyfriends, but I still feel a wee bit hurt that he got back in touch and she responded to friend request so quickly.

He hasn't mentioned her to me but it's preying on my mind so much that I;ve now looked her up on twitter (can't get onto her profile) and decided that she is so much more interesting than me and that DH will be at the least intrigued by her and at worse, who knows.

Has anyone else felt this sort of chasm? I don't want to be all paranoid but at the same time I think my sense of hurt is understandable. Our relationship has been very strong but I still feel uneasy that he's wanted to get back in touch and that her life is now open to him.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 25/11/2009 21:13

i think i'd just blatently tell him it isn't on to be friends with her

displayuntilbestbefore · 25/11/2009 21:15

perfectly understandable. Can you ask him why he has got back in touch with his ex? Even the most assured person in a relationship would probably wonder why their partner got back in touch with an ex. Hope your DH will at least see why you feel hurt.

Leeka · 25/11/2009 21:16

I don't think it's odd to have exes as friends on Facebook at all. You say you don't want to be paranoid and yet you are being. What do you think might come of it?

halfcut · 25/11/2009 21:16

bloody facebook causes sooooooooooo much trouble

howdidthishappenthen · 25/11/2009 21:18

NonononoNO.. of course she isn't more interesting than you! In my experience, the relative 'interestingness' of people is in inverse proportion to the amount of time they spend on Facebook, Twitter etc (after the initial 2 weeks of novelty value) - people with 250 friends and minute-by-minute status updates have no actual life to speak of. YOU, on the other hand, are so interesting that he married you and committed his whole life to you. SHE has been sufficiently uninteresting to him for the last 10 years that any more effort than a 2-click search was too much effort to bother staying in touch.
Paranoia understandable, but take a breath - it's fine. Nothing you've said make it sound like anything other than 30secs of curiosity.

AnyFucker · 25/11/2009 21:18

FB...work of the devil

flibertygibet · 25/11/2009 21:22

FB is evil! Seriously...that's the whole point of it..to snoop on people you used to know.

My dh and I have an understanding that we never 'hack' each others' accounts (we have an open email account, where we can see each others' emails, it's all on one desktop). Once I gave in, he'd left it open and I saw that he was arranging to have a coffee with an ex.

I stewed about it, finally confronted him and he just laughed and said it was nothing. We are strong. I do believe him.

Try not to read into his 'friends' on fb. I have ALL of my ex's on my friends' list and sometimes I chat to them, but generally they are ex's for a reason.

I think it is unreasonable of you to ask him NOT to be friends with her, but you can tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

And I'm sure you're NOT less interesting than her. You sound like me a few years ago...don't give in to the curiousity...step away from the computer!

Original poster
TinaSparkles · 25/11/2009 21:24

I think the paranoia comes from it being a blast from a carefree past where it was good times all round. Shared memories and all that.

I am going to tell him that I know they are friends but I don't want it to come as a warning shot, IYSWIM.

I think he knows that I could go into his account and see any personal messages, but to be honest, I wouldn;t want to do that in case there was something I didn't want to see. Or something that I read too much into.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinaSparkles · 25/11/2009 21:44

Thanks for your wise words mnetters.

Will let DH know that the mn jury say that I've every right to be a bit . Won't let it get to me anyway (She has 248 friends as well, so no obviously proper life (unlike me on mn)!)

Besides, how many of you follow/snoop/talk on you exes?!

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 25/11/2009 22:14

How rude

displayuntilbestbefore · 25/11/2009 22:21

I don't have a FB account - no interest in revisiting the past. My exes are exes for a reason - no desire to rekindle any friendship there!
DH has fb account but rarely looks at it - problem is that these days everyone assumes everyone checks theirs on a half hourly basis so we have missed several social occasions as they have been posted on FB and not any other way
that FB has replaced phonecalls and normal social intercourse!

LynetteScavo · 25/11/2009 22:28

I don't think you should worry. I have an ex as a friend of FB...he's been a FB freind for 2 years but DH only found out at the weekend, when I commented on ex's profile pic. DH said it was odd that I would have him as a friend, but TBH if he lived around the corner, and not in another country we would still be real life freinds....deosn't mean we would be jumping in to bed with each other though.

macdoodle · 25/11/2009 22:31

I have several exes on my FB, including my "first love", the one I lost my virginity to
I cannot honestly say any banter, chat is all perfectly benign, and I feel no desire whatsoever to revisit any , its nice to see what theyve been up to, and one posted some lovely pics of me when I was younger

UnquietDad · 25/11/2009 22:42

Every time this kind of thing comes up, there is a wincing and a gnashing of teeth and cries of "oooooh, I knew that Facebook would lead to no good."

It's not Facebook that causes the problem.

That's like blaming computers, or the internet, or the phone, or literacy, or facility with the English language.

It's just a tool. Someone who is still in the frame of mind to find exes to [chat with/ meet/ get off with/ have affairs with / leave you for - delete as applicable] will find some other tool for doing so. Blaming the technology does not address the real problem.

A small proportion of men still hanker after exes and have feelings for them. Most of us don't. (Mine fall into two camps - the "can't imagine what I ever saw in the vile bitch" and the "I hope she's happy, somewhere, whatever she is doing.")

It's not Facebook's fault. Otherwise the logical implication is that all men want to get back with their exes and only those who don't have the technology, and are thereby prevented from doing so, will not.

displayuntilbestbefore · 25/11/2009 22:54

good point, well put, UnquietDad

MamaG · 25/11/2009 22:56

good post UQD

halfcut · 25/11/2009 22:58

I still blame FB

isnowsoonenough · 25/11/2009 23:10

I think it is a natural thing to see or catch up with someone from the past if it is a chance meeting in RL. Paths cross sometimes. But as UD points out technology can be used by those who can't let go and need some sort of attachment to the past they shared even if it was shit. Not is not healthy or wise.

thesunshinesbrightly · 26/11/2009 00:28

My opinion is you sound controlling but i will not say another word.

lou33 · 26/11/2009 00:57

i agree with uqd and sunshines

jasper · 26/11/2009 01:23

I think his facebook friends are not your business.
I don't think it is your place to" keep an eye on who his friends are"

HIS friends.
If my dh was spying on my Facebook friends I would be most annoyed.

lou33 · 26/11/2009 01:42

you cant choose his friends, and some exes do remain friendly with no ulterior motive

it is not unknown

i have them on my fb

i would be livid if i thought my fb was being policed and was told who i could or could not be friends with

nigelslaterfan · 26/11/2009 01:42

UQD, with your usual 'oh lord I'm surrounded by idiots' tone you make some good points. But you fail to acknowledge that facebook makes it much easier for a man of say, weak resolve and lazy habits to fall into the path of non righteousness.

These factors are not irrelevant.

The internet is not a moral agent of course but you don't have to be Mary Whitehouse to observe that it's been a bonanza for say, paedophiles to access and share images.

lou33 · 26/11/2009 01:46

everything you say, nsf was possible before the internet and without it

people have always found a way to do whatever it is they are trying to achieve

nigelslaterfan · 26/11/2009 01:50

Well my husband couldn't be bothered to make the effort with his past before facebook. Now he's obsessed and onit all the time. It's pretty dull for me!

Ease is a factor, is all I'm saying.