DH, Ex Girlfriends and Facebook

[TinaSparkles]

I've been on Facebook for over a year and on Sunday my DH decided to join so I set him up with an account suggesting lots of people we both know. I was logged into his new a/c to keep an eye on who his friends were on the Sunday and he made a lighthearted comment about me prying on him and I said I wouldn't go into his account personally because everthing I would need to see would be on his profile from my own login. On Sunday night he went on to search for people he knew through work and university etc.

So on Monday I had a nose at who his new friends were and - lo and behold - one of the first to come up was his ex-girlfriend from Uni. He's only mentioned her a few times when we first started seeing each other, 10 years ago, and from what he says they were still friends but split after she was seeing someone else, behind his back, though everyone else knew. From what I can tell she lives far away and they've never been in touch since they graduated.

I know logically that she was one of the group of friends at uni and the I myself have been curious about past boyfriends, but I still feel a wee bit hurt that he got back in touch and she responded to friend request so quickly.

He hasn't mentioned her to me but it's preying on my mind so much that I;ve now looked her up on twitter (can't get onto her profile) and decided that she is so much more interesting than me and that DH will be at the least intrigued by her and at worse, who knows.

Has anyone else felt this sort of chasm? I don't want to be all paranoid but at the same time I think my sense of hurt is understandable. Our relationship has been very strong but I still feel uneasy that he's wanted to get back in touch and that her life is now open to him.

Agree with wannabe

All of my exes are my FB friends. DH couldn't care less.

so rude UQD, and you have excelled yourself with a " I'm surrounded by a MORON" tone.

All I said was tools have implications for behaviour. And implying that they don't is moronic imo!

Thousands of different things influence people towards certain decisions. Your newspaper article analogy is, imo, another way of calling everyone else an idiot. Which is often the tone you take ime.

The OP clearly has all sorts of complex and difficult emotions around FB. I have some complex feelings about it, partly that I don't really like having photos of our dc up on his home page. I just don't think the internet is watertight. She may have OP just to find someone who thinks like her or maybe just some compassion, reassurance empathy.
Being all snooty about articles you've read by wimmin in your paper of choice doesn't really help her does it?

Who said anything about "by wimmin"?... I respond in the tone in which I am addressed, frankly.

The vast majority of people on here would seem to agree with me, anyway.

WannaBe has pointed out the important difference here - possessing the tool to do something does not make you more likely to do it UNLESS you are already pre-disposed to do so. And if the pre-disposition exists it will find some other way of displaying itself.

To take another comparison, owning a camera does not make someone want to take indecent photos of children. The pathological/ disturbed urge to do so does. Taking away the camera does not take away the urge.

yes of course the tool is not responsible. But a tool can facilitate an activity. That's all I'm saying. Some people have enormous insecurities about fearing their partner will be unfaithful. My father left my mother with four children under ten to run off with a 27 year old. His dishonesty and vile behaviour still shocks me when I look back. Not many men behave this badly. But it left me with a massive insecurity about infidelity that I have almost got over. But Facebook is something that started to bring it back recently and I empathise with the OP. I'm not saying she's right or I'm right, some people on mumsnet are talking about how they feel. Some of your posts are so cold and clinical. Why shout at the OP? Who's perfect by the way? I'm not. This is an open forum, why not just answer her post humanely?

Not sure to what extent some of the previous questions (following my post) were addressed to me but it is just naturally the way things are between us. It was not a conscious decision made (although I think it is the right result). We use each others accounts quite regularly because we have a number of joint friends and relatives overseas who contact us at the same time and it does not seem to matter which account we answer from, DH is self employed and I help him out with some admin things so generally access his emails for that, we have laptops although I couldn't really tell you which is mine anymore so both access both laptops IYSWIM and synch diaries reasonably frequently and generally run a lot of our lives on line - bank accounts, holiday bookings, christmas party arrangements etc and it just does not make sense not to completely share access. The only time that stops is December when I will buy some of DH's Xmas presies on line and won't want him to see what these are. I really don't see why the openness we have in that aspect of our our relationship would attract any criticism or fear or preference to be single- . I guess whatever floats your boat. And I'm not saying the OP is right just that I don't think it is that unreasonable to be curious in the given circumstances and when you are curious/have something niggling at you like this, I think you should ask, not pretend it does not exist or write off your own feelings. I never believe in writing off your own feelings about stuff like this and I'm a great believer in instinct (but also in overactive imaginations) and if OP feels uneasy - just address it as unconfrontationally as possible. Ultimately something has made her feel a bit insecure.

nigelslaterfan , your Father's actions have obviously affected you (I do understand, my parents divorced when I was 10 because of their adultery). DH isn't on FB but if he were I have to say that I wouldn't be worried, not in an arrogant way, but if he wanted to have an affair he would do, I honestly trust him though. My parents both managed to have affairs waaay before T'internet was invented.
I did make sure that I married a man as different to my Father as physically possible though

Also, I honestly didn't read any spite/undertones in UQD's posts, although I am rather dim, so that could be why

I personally wouldn't be worried if my partner had exes on his facebook list. do. I would also HATE to feel like I had to give him passwords to things. Why would he need those? I 100% agree with Morris - I am me, not half of us.

I guess its different strokes for different folks.

OP - just bear in mind your DH might see it totally differently, so don't assume he is 'guilty'. He might just think differently to you.

Thanks Lizzielou! Actually lots of sense being talked here, I am already over that feeling of nervousness that reminded me of how I used to be dominated by fears of infidelity.
I'm not now. I trust my DH and I also agree that those that are going to be unfaithful don't need help to do it, they are going to do it anyway probably.

I just feel for empathetic for the OP and that maybe she was just being open (mn should be a broad church imo) and didn't necessarily want the whole force of rational common sense plonked on her head untempered by much compassion!

i haven't read the thread (sorry) but so what if he is friends with his ex? do you really trust him that little? my dp is friends with all his ex's on facebook - that's all they are, ex girlfriends, nothing to do with how he feels about me.