Pregnant & husband has left...need advice

[AshleyStar]

Hi there. I'm new to this but I was hoping for some advice.

I am pregnant with my 2nd child and have been married just a few months. We basically found out I was expecting around the same time as the wedding and we were not actively trying but not not trying if you know what I mean.

Anyway I feel that my hormones have been all over the place the past few months and I haven't really been myself.

My new husband and I have had quite a few big arguments during this time culminating in him walking out on me nearly 4 weeks ago because he wasn't happy.

He won't talk about it and won't answer his texts or phone to me and just seems to want to cut off all contact. I haven't tried contacting him in a couple of weeks in hope that he just needed some time and space to realise what he was missing but I have just come to the point where I really want him back and I'm so tempted to send another text telling him that I miss him.

I can't help but feel that this couldn't actually be the end when there's a baby on the way and we're just newly married...could it?

Sounds like he's suddenly freaking out about the responsibility, though if you already have a child he ought not to be (may depend on whether he is the father of your DC1)

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to bump this up so someone else can help you

Good grief he sounds a right callous pig. He has responsibilities - to you as his wife and certainly to his child and child-to-be.

Has nobody in his family contacted you? Is there anyone in his family who you could contact to find out what the hell is going on?

Are you yourself getting some support? I am very angry on your behalf. He may be freaking out and feeling unhappy but ffs you don't just abandon your pregnant wife and go no contact for weeks. That is utterly selfish and mean.

Do you have family and/or friends around you? is this totally out of character for him? More people will be along to help with advice soon...be strong and try to look after yourself. Put yourself and your dc first for now. Are you eating ok?

(((hugs)))

Text him saying you are filing for divorce.

Unless he is severely and genuinely depressed or been run over and lost the use of his tongue and telephone arm, there is no excuse for this shitty behaviour.

I would divorce him - what a selfish bastard, sorry but this is crazy!

Hi Wow. Sounds pretty similar to my situation tho my husband has not cut all ties - mainly because he needs me to arrange to see our daughter. He left 5 weeks ago and then I found out I was pregnant 5 days after he left which he now knows but says it changes nothing. I know men and women are wired very differently but I feel the same way... how can a father walk out when his wife is pregnant ? Is there a point at which the guilt gets too much and they have to confront things/return home.. at least give things a go ? Or am I being to naive ? Everybody keeps telling me that this says so much more about him then me but it's really hard to not beat yourself up hey ?

But I still love him and we have a house, baby on the way etc. I just feel that I can't throw it all away just like that. I know that this is exactly what he's doing but I can see where all the problems in our relationship lie and how to fix them. He just doesn't seem to want to...

But it is not you that is throwing it all away just like that. It is him.

You need to find out what rights you have. Get a good solicitor. If you have a joint account then speak to the bank.

Gosh Seth sounds like a similar situation. How can this be common?

It's possible that my husband is freaking out because this is his first biological child but he won't talk to anyone about it and just seems to have closed all the shutters. His mum says that if he's not happy then he shouldn't come back so she's completey taking his side.

Also, he has been there since my son was a baby and has aways taken on the father role 100% which is why this is coming as such a shock.

I don't want to get solicitors involved at this stage because I'd rather work it out but I don't know what to do to get him to come back

ashley, I'm sorry but it sounds like he could be shacked up with another woman

have you considered that possibility ?

I say, brace yourself love, there may be all sorts of revelations to come

I'm afraid AF may be right. My DH up and left me and 4 DCs 7/8 months ago. Our marriage was going through a rough patch but nothing that couldn't fixed. Anyway a similar thread to this started then and all us women saying I don't know why he has upped and left me and the DC until WhenwillIfeelnormal came along and told us to look for the "elephant in the room" ie another woman being involved. Tba a lot men don't leave a marriage until they have lined someone else up - my therapist said an OW was a married man's insurance policy. And most men are particularly vile to their wife when in the throes of an affair, picking arguments out of nothing etc.

You both need to take control now - the only person you can change and control is all of this is yourselves. Take legal advice so you know where you stand, get out and try and enjoy yourselves, get your hair done etc, get support from everyone you can. Let them see you are doing very nicely without them - most men can't handle that.

Good luck.

The other have said what i did not dare - that there may be someone else, as this is going to be the last possibility you want to consider. As I say, is this totally out of character for him?

Judging by his mother's reaction, which is bloody shocking, then he sounds a spoilt child who thinks he is entitled to behave how he likes. No matter how much you love him, he is not behaving in a loving manner towards you or even a respectful manner or even a vaguely kind manner. Is he 15?

Even if he came back, you would find it very hard to put your marriage back together - and even if you have been horrible to him, he had the chance to change his situation decently if that is what he wanted. Not in this utterly selfish mean cruel way.

These selfish bastard twats rarely do though (mummy's boy. She is being a Cow. God I hope I am NEVER like this with my son. i would be whipping his arse.I hope!)

I said the same things as you when my h ran away last year. I am not that woman anymore though. I am not a tough bitch, I just realise that me and my child did not deserve to be treated so ruddy appallingly.

Sending you bigging-you-up vibes. keep posting.

So very sorry Ashley. As you can imagine from Counting's post, I'm also going to suggest he's seeing someone else. I have personally never met a man who has left (suddenly) for any other reason. It's horrible to have to think this, I know. Also, try if you can to timeline when the really bad atmosphere started....most of us who've done this, discover that this coincided with the appearance of someone else on the scene.

If it helps, the imminent birth of a child is seen as a major catalyst for an affair - as is any event that forces someone to grow a pair of balls and take responsibility. Deaths of parents also often have the same effect. It's a kind of escapism before all the weight of responsibility comes crashing down.

In your position, I would do some gentle, but covert detective work. If you know passwords to any accounts he uses on the PC, such as MSN, Facebook or any messenger applications, take a deep breath and use them. Finding out is better, Ashley, because then you know what you're dealing with. Don't feel guilty about any invasion of privacy either - the gloves are off now and you have every right.

I'd echo the others' advice. He's behaving like an absolute shit of the highest order and it would be better for you to imply that you don't want him back. Get lots of RL support and nurture yourself as much as possible. Can someone come and look after you for a few days?

His mother might think she's doing the right thing supporting her child, but as Mums we should always tell our kids that hurting others is never acceptable and it seems to me, she is complicit in helping him evade his responsibilities. She needs to put herself in your shoes and wonder how she'd have felt if she'd been left when she was pregnant with your DH...

Come on here for support and we will always help you.

AS, you poor girl. Your husband is behaving like a shit.

How long were you together before you got married?

I have to say I disagree that men never leave for any reason than another woman.If you have not had any suspicions, this is an awfully big conclusion to jump to without any evidence.

I do not understand why his mother is supporting him when he has walked out on the woman who is carrying his grandchild with no explanation. Did you have a good relationship with her before this?

Is there anyone you can talk to among your DH's friends and family who can act as an intermediary between you and DH and see if you can at least have a meeting where you can talk and find out what has sparked this?

If you still love him, it has got to be worth a try surely?

Yup theres an OW no doubt, these fuckwits men dont just leave, they move on !!
So sorry for you, I could give you lots of advice but I know from bitter bitter experience that you will need to work it out by yourself

thanks for all your replies. I am 90% sure there's noone else...well not another woman. HOWEVER he got very friendly with a bit of a jack-the-lad at the same time things started going bad. I do not know of a single person who has a good word to say about this guy but my H seems to have become very friendly with him and started partying alot under his influence...he never would have been a big partier before.

I have spoken to another more responsible friend but when he approached my H he refused to talk about it. As I said before the shutters are well and truly down.

My other concern at the minute is something I can't bring myself to say to anyone in my life but I really don't want this baby. It was him that was keen to have more kids where I was happy with my son. I would be quite career focussed and I found it very difficult to adjust to becoming a mum. I feel like I'd just got to a good place in my life where I could work and balance being a mum but this will change everything. I feel that my H has completely ruined my life and he's able to escape scot-free with no reprecussions. I know I won't be able to put the baby up for adoption but how will I stop myself resenting it?

Ashley, if you've got mutual friends who still see him, start asking around about what he's been seen doing at these parties. Does the jack-the-lad do drugs for example? Is he a womaniser? You've obviously got a 10% doubt there about someone else and that's healthy. I'd still say it's odds on, I'm afraid. To reiterate, when men suddenly leave, this is what's normally behind it. The rows beforehand are engineered to provide justification for doing such a monumentally shitty thing to someone they are meant to love.

Your feelings about the baby are understandable. Don't feel guilty about expressing these Ashley. Feeling angry is going to help you at the moment, too. I expect you'll feel differently when the baby comes along and needs your love and care though. Maybe someone who has been in this position will come on later and tell you how they worked through these feelings so that their child didn't suffer. I do hope so.

Your H might like to think he can absolve himself of his responsibility to this child, but he will have to maintain him or her for years to come - and rightly so.

Ashleystar, what was the big fight with your husband about?

Dont listen to all these comments about your husband being xyz and so on. That's no help at all.

lk, perhaps you should ask MN to delete all the preceding posts to your own then

there have been quite alot of fights but mostly about him going out and then I would be quite emotional and needy which was driving him further and further away. I think our main problem was that we never sat down and talked through our problems so they didn't get resolved, they just kept mounting up.

He wouldn't be a womanizer or player so I am doubtful it's someone else.

My DH wasn't a womaniser or player and tbh the last person I thought would have an affair but someone came along and flattered him at a low point in both our lives.

He also had a friend who had, shall we say, a bit of a skewed moral compass, and started spending a lot of time going to see him etc.

I am not saying your H is having an affair but just be aware that this may be a distinct possibility. My DH kept me in the dark for 6 weeks after he left (I put 2 & 2 together in the end) and I look back now and feel such a fool.

Please get as much support as possible, the early stages of pregnancy are quite frankly awful and you are probably not eating or sleeping well and that will make things worse. His mum deserves a slap - at least my in laws told my DH what a complete nob he was being and they were having nothing more to do with him.

Take care and please get some legal advice, taking control will make you feel better.

Countingto10, it sounds like a similar situation really doesn't it? Can you let me know a bit more about your situation? It's ok if you don't want to...

I have already spoken to a solicitor who has told me I could claim spousal support and then maintenance once the baby comes along but I just don't want to aggravate him until know there's no return.

BTW I'm 30 weeks pg...so no longer in the early stages.

You need to talk to him face to face.

Perhaps if you are communicating with his Mum she could help you arrange something?

Maybe he is immature. Maybe he thinks that you have done this all before so you will be fine without him if he cant cope?

You must be given the opportunity to tell him you DO need him.

Failing a meet up, write to him and tell him your true feelings. But make sure you hand it to him face to face, otherwise if he doesnt get it for whatever reason, you may never get the chance again to say what you feel. Then you will be left forever wondering sweetheart.
Be brave. All is not lost yet.

Do you think you still love him?

Has he made any contact with you at all ? My DH told me he was staying with "mates", "I've got my mobile if you need me", refused point blank to tell me where he was staying. Nobody knew where he was staying except OW (obviously).

The reasons he had the affair are many. We had a lot of family stress, 4DSs (2 with SNs), business and financial problems, mid-life crisis on his part (he was 40 in October), his gambling habit got completely out of control (he gambled to escape the pressures and then added to them with the gambling) and then some woman flattered him, admired him etc and he took the bait. She was the final part of his self destruction (he is absolutely revolted by her now and cannot understand what possessed him). The affair lasted about 3 months in all. He came back home after spending a month at his mum's after leaving her. Spent about 4 months at Relate and marriage is still a work in progress.

My DH also had very low self-esteem so this woman's attentions had more effect on him.

It may be that your H is running from his responsibilities and it sounds like his friend is no friend of your marriage IYSWIM. Now by DH doesn't want a lot to do with his old friend.

One of my friends said to me at the time and I think it is relevant and that is to assume he is not coming back and plan your future on that basis. It is the only path to take now and see what happens.

Don't do anything rash and try to remain calm. I lost so much weight and was on diazepam for a week as I was in such a state and TBH one of things I am finding hard to forgive is how vile he was to me during that time. And abandonment is the only word for what he did to me and the DC.

Keep posting - unfortunately all too many of us have been in your position

any news today ?

Definitely start to act as though he is not coming back, because he isn't. And if he is this selfish and unkind, why on earth would you want him back? Whether he has actually embarked on an affair with a woman or is just running round looking for shags, he is treating you appallingly. Make sure you know your legal position WRT the house, child support etc and get your friends and family to support and look after you. Best of luck.