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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant & husband has left...need advice

47 replies

AshleyStar · 25/11/2009 15:42

Hi there. I'm new to this but I was hoping for some advice.

I am pregnant with my 2nd child and have been married just a few months. We basically found out I was expecting around the same time as the wedding and we were not actively trying but not not trying if you know what I mean.

Anyway I feel that my hormones have been all over the place the past few months and I haven't really been myself.

My new husband and I have had quite a few big arguments during this time culminating in him walking out on me nearly 4 weeks ago because he wasn't happy.

He won't talk about it and won't answer his texts or phone to me and just seems to want to cut off all contact. I haven't tried contacting him in a couple of weeks in hope that he just needed some time and space to realise what he was missing but I have just come to the point where I really want him back and I'm so tempted to send another text telling him that I miss him.

I can't help but feel that this couldn't actually be the end when there's a baby on the way and we're just newly married...could it?

OP posts:

Original poster

AshleyStar · 26/11/2009 16:20

Nope no word today nor has their been for three weeks. The only reason I know it's over is because I withheld my number and called him and asked what the hell was going on. Had I not done that I think he would have just avoided all contact.

What makes me mad is that my sister and her husband have been trying for a baby for years and they would make such great parents. I just feel there are so many people in the world in this situation and here's this loser throwing it all away for a life of freedom.

I do accept that it's probably over and his behavior has been shocking but the pieces just don't add up. He took so much to do with my son including getting up with him when he was sick during he nights, didn't want to go out at the weekends (if anything it was me who was the partier) and loved nothing more than cooking us all meals and being a dream husband. It's just all so weird.

OP posts:

countingto10 · 26/11/2009 16:35

That's why it is pointing to an OW - because nothing makes sense.

My DH's OW put all sorts of nonsense in his head - it just didn't seem like my DH speaking and I didn't understand what was happening at the time. Even now my H doesn't understand how it happened, was not what he wanted etc (but I hasten to add he takes full responsibility).

I presume you know where he is working and where he is staying. Maybe you need to get tough and start proceedings if he is not responding to anything, I really don't know what to say. I presume his mother knows more than she is letting on as she is not "on your side". It's all distinctly "fishy". I really feel for you - the uncertainty of it all, as I said I really didn't cope very well at all, my mum and sister rallied around, helping with the DC etc.

Original poster

AshleyStar · 06/12/2009 21:09

Hi again. Well another few weeks have passed and I'm 100% certain there's none else.

He is living with his mum and has changed his number so I can't contact him but I have been leaving my son at his mum's for him to see.

Can anyone shed an INSIGHTFUL light on what is going through his mind if there's noone else but feels the need to change his number when I'm 8 weeks away from giving birth?

OP posts:

TeamEdward · 06/12/2009 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherlovebone · 06/12/2009 21:22

no insights here, speechless really.
how are you coping?
have you got some support in real life?

he needs a slap.

Claire2009 · 06/12/2009 21:27

What happens if his Mum texts and says "He's here" and you go around, and have a proper chat? Would he just walk out and blank you? This is very strange

Claire2009 · 06/12/2009 21:28

Sorry to ask, but would he think you might've cheated on him and the baby isn't his? So he's backed off for that reason?

tiredoftherain · 06/12/2009 21:35

I would try not to waste your energy working him out right now. I think the truth will eventually come out and one day you'll know. A nervous breakdown, another woman, another man, who knows?! Can his mum not shed any light on this? If it were my ds, there's no way I'd have him living with me after this kind of behaviour.

Whatever the reason, it sounds like you'll be far better off without this madness. I wish you so much luck and strength.

Original poster

AshleyStar · 06/12/2009 21:36

I have sought legal advice and I'm ok...no worries there. The only thing is that I am entitled to spousal support (and once the baby comes along child maintenance) but I am holding off on claiming this because I don't want to get petty. At the minute I'm trying to give him time to work things out and come back. I can't give up on my marriage so quickly especially when there's a baby on the way. I know that sounds pathetic but I know this isn't him. There's something else going on.

In the meantime I've got great family and friends so I've great support.

OP posts:

tiredoftherain · 06/12/2009 21:37

Don't worry about seeming petty. You need to do exactly what is best for you and your baby right now. Your DH isn't exactly playing fair, and you're well within your rights to claim everything you're entitled to.

ReneRusso · 06/12/2009 21:38

Yes, him thinking the baby is not his would make some sense.

ReneRusso · 06/12/2009 21:41

Could you write to him and say that you would like to talk and work things out, but if he refuses you will have to claim spousal support and child maintenance. It's not petty. You have been more than generous with your behaviour.

Original poster

AshleyStar · 06/12/2009 21:46

Hmm I think how his mum sees it is that if he's in her house he's safe and she can keep in contact with me and try to encourage him to come home. I know my mum would boot my brother out back to his wife but everyone's different.

I don't think he's ready to talk yet and I don't want to corner him. Whatever is going on is still going on in his head and until he deals with it I don'tthink there's anything anyone can do. So frustrating not being able to help him though.

I just get so angry when I think about him changing his number. Does he expect me to contact him through his mum to arrange a divorce or visitation when the baby arrives?

OP posts:

Original poster

AshleyStar · 06/12/2009 21:50

No there's never been a trust issue with us and he knows I would never ever cheat. There is no question that the baby is his but, it is his first baby so that could possibly explain a few things.

OP posts:

tiredoftherain · 06/12/2009 21:52

Never mind you not helping him, he's abandoned you when you need him most!! He's a grown man, he should be capable of at least talking to you about what's going on. You know you've done nothing wrong, so how on earth can this behaviour be justified? It's appalling, immature behaviour.

Please don't just take him back without a brilliant explanation (and tbh I can't imagine what that might be.)

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 06/12/2009 21:58

I don't think there is anything (other than a devastating frontal lobe tumour or summat) that could actually justify his behaviour

This dickhead needs to stop hiding behind mummy and fucking explain himself

sanfairyann · 06/12/2009 21:59

can you speak to his mum and see if he might be depressed? maybe she could go to the gp with him? ante and postnatal depression can also affect me, more info here

www.panda.org.au/docs/Men%20and%20postnatal%20depression.pdf

I don't really know if it fits and I know I would find it hard to be sympathetic in your shoes tbh but is it an option worth exploring?

VerityBrulee · 06/12/2009 22:00

Absolutely reading this thread. How unbelievably selfish to behave like this when you are in the late stages of pregnancy.

Whatever explanation he gives, could it ever justify his behaviour? You are being very generous in your attitude towards him, though I understand your motivation.

Take care of yourself

tiredoftherain · 06/12/2009 22:02

Just a thought - if you have any concerns about his mental stability at the moment, it might be worth reconsidering whether it's a good idea to leave your ds in his care, even at his mum's?

Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, but if he can't cope with the idea of his own child, can you be sure he's fit to care for yours while you're not present?

Claire2009 · 06/12/2009 22:04

Can I ask how old he is?

Original poster

AshleyStar · 06/12/2009 22:30

I do have concerns about his mental stability but I think it's more situational than an actual illness.

He's 29

OP posts:

ginnybag · 09/12/2009 13:10

A practical note here, but have you got someone else lined up to act as a birth partner for you and who can take your eldest child when you go into labour?

Whatever else, I don't think you should count on this chap for anything and I wouldn't be having him anywhere near me in labour.

Do you know if he's seen his GP? I'm not intending to scare you but that comment about the tumour from a PP may turn out to be not too far off the mark. If he's suddenly down this and there's no 'logical' reason, I'd certainly be wondering because this kind of thing can be symptomatic.

Ask his mum... Assuming he's all clear for that (most likely!) the following message should consist of: "Excellent. Thank you for laying to rest my last concern for your son. Please advise him that all contact from now on needs to be direct."

You have bigger issues in the next few weeks and months than whatever silliness is causing all this and his mother, as a mother, should know better than to abet her son in treating his pregnant wife this way.

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