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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

its turning nasty.........

47 replies

seth · 24/11/2009 17:06

My Husband walked out on me and my daugter 5 weeks ago. Wehave been to 2 relate sessions but both have been more like emotional slanging matches. He seems to be re writing our whole 8 years togther to tie in with how he feels now and I think he is doing it for lip service rather than trying towork things out. Anyway I told him that, until Christmas when we could review it, He could see our daughter (2.4 months) every other sunday for the whole day but until then I need to look after myself and her needed some space to think. I intend to arrange a mid week date in the new year but not just yet. He flew at me last night yelling at me saying he would not let me do this, how dare I prevent him from seeing his daughter and stormed off over the road yelling at me that he would fight me . I am still reeling and in complete shock that he has walked out on us and not even starting to get my head round this and just want him to respect my opinion on theis one decision. I do not intend to prevent him seeing her but I just want him to see that I am a human being and show a bit of empathy or kindness towards me. I am a bit scared but feel I should stand my ground as hean be a real bully and this could affect how he is about other things if I give in on this. Surely he didn't expect to be able to come and go as he pleased when he walked out on us ? He is acting as if he has done me a favour by 'letting' us stay in the house and have the car! Any thoughts on this really appreciated thanks!

OP posts:

FabIsNotFab · 24/11/2009 17:07

Seems to me you are using the child against him. He has the right to see her every day if he wants too.

Rindercella · 24/11/2009 17:10

I feel for you as our daughters are much the same age and I cannot imagine such turmoil . However, I do feel that you should be doing everything you can to make this as painless as possible for your DD. And this should include making sure that her father has access as much as is needed.

Pheebe · 24/11/2009 17:28

Seth, hard as this may be to hear, he's walked out on you and your marriage not your daughter and as Fab said, he has a right to see his daughter every day if he wants, just as she has a right to see him.

I can only imagine the pain you're going through but you need to step up for your daughters sake and while you both work out where you go from here give her free access to her father

Lizzylou · 24/11/2009 17:32

I agree with the other posters here, I'm sorry.
I know that you are upset and angry. Imagine how your poor daughter feels, she will be very confused right now. You need to be the bigger person here to ensure that she adjusts to the new situation as easily as possible.
Try to think of it less as giving in, more of putting your DD first.

My sympathies though, it must be an awful time for you.

Tortington · 24/11/2009 17:37

as long as there is a set time and dates

no he cant just come as HE pleases - you have a life too.

giveitago · 24/11/2009 17:38

YOu must be going through turmoil if he left you - do think him leaving was the best thing or was this sprung on you?

Whatever you are feeling I think access should be more than you are currently saying - have you sought any legal advice?

countingto10 · 24/11/2009 17:39

Can a third party be involved in pick up/drop offs for the timebeing ? So you can have some space away from your H as it is clearly upsetting you and you probably need some breathing space.

The initial shock and trauma you are feeling atm will fade and you will be able to think more clearly soon ?

My H left me for six weeks earlier this year out of the blue (turns out he had an OW) and I honestly didn't know if I was coming or going - sometimes I wanted to see him, other times I wanted him to be in another country. It is a truly horrible time.

Good luck.

AnyFucker · 24/11/2009 17:40

agree with custardo

you have to offer more access than this

but he must stick to set times and not fanny you around

mumblechum · 24/11/2009 17:42

Once a fortnight would not really be considered reasonable if this were to go to court.

As someone else said, he's left the marriage but will always be your little girl's father and she needs to see him way more frequently than you're proposing.

So far as the house is concerned, as a matter of courtesy he shouldn't just walk in when he feels like it, ideally he should surrender his key and knock on the door when he comes to collect your dd.

CarGirl · 24/11/2009 17:44

At 2.4 once per fortnight is really not enough contact time I'm afraid. Ask him what he can commit to in terms of times and days.

Something more like every other day would be best for your dd.

prettyfly1 · 24/11/2009 17:46

I really feel for you but as the others have said you are being totally unreasonable in using your daughter as a negotiating tool. Its not on and will reflect badly on you. Right now it will come across that the only thing you have left to control is daughter time and it isnt fair to use that so I think you need to swallow the pain as much as possible - if you feel bad how must she feel - and tell him he can have whatever access he wants up to fifty percent PROVIDED he sticks to set times and respects your space. I know it will stick in your craw but it is the right thing for your daughter.

posieparker · 24/11/2009 17:48

Perhaps you could let him come and do dinner and bed twice a week and you could have time to yourself?

wannaBe · 24/11/2009 17:52

You are using your child to get at your ex and this is not on.

Your daughter has the right to see her father and you do not IMO have the right to prevent that.

He would be well within his right to take you to court and would probably get overnight access as well.

I realize you are hurting but this is not about you.

mankymummymoo · 24/11/2009 17:57

They need to see each other more frequently than this.

Ask him how often/exactly when he wants to see her. Put the ball in his court. Then try and come to some agreement. But it has to be a set and regular visit schedule.

If you cannot handle seeing him, arrange for someone to do pick up/drop offs for you. I dont think its unreasonable for him to not see her in the house if you are there.

Use the time to think.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 24/11/2009 18:01

2.4 months. Overnight contact? No, probably not.

mumblechum · 24/11/2009 18:02

I read it as 2 years 4 months

themerrywidow · 24/11/2009 18:05

Using the children is never the answer. He has made his decision and that was to leave the marriage. Your daughter needs to retain a good relationship with her father. You are storing up trouble for her if you resist this.Set up a timetable that works for all of you - at that age I would say little and often but I do agree it should be non- negotiable- he must stick to agreed times and so must you. Use the time positively for yourself and plan it. Take a class, go to the beautician/for coffee/to the pub/(childfree)friend's house/ for a walk, but get out of the house.
Plan nights out and have him babysit. You may not feel you want any of this now but you've got it so use it. When he sees you are making a life without him he will have a chance to reflect on his choices. Move forward but don't try to punish him, the years ahead will do that.

Rindercella · 24/11/2009 18:15

Shit - 2.4 months? Is there such an age? I read it as 2.4 years too.

dittany · 24/11/2009 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LisaD1 · 24/11/2009 18:22

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's never nice no matter who leaves..

I'm sorry to say thought that I don't think the access is enough, and I think your daughter needs more access than one day per fortnight to her dad.

My DD1 was a few months older than yours when I split with her dad. To start with (as she wasn't at school) he had her every Wednesday afternoon until Thursday morning, then every Friday evening until Saturday evening. As she got older and started school we all found the mid week access too disruptive (especially DD) and so this fizzled out. He now has her every other Friday from school until Sunday evening and also has a couple of weeks in the main school holidays and we split the other holidays (Xmas etc) depending on what we all have planned/what DD wants to do (She's 9 now and definitely has an opinion!)

I know it's hard (I used to get so upset when she was away in the beginning and still miss her when she's not at home) but I think, wherever possible (assuming there are no issues such as violence etc) that a child needs to see their dad as much as possible.

Hope things settle down for you soon.

Rindercella · 24/11/2009 18:22

If your DD is 2.4 years, I could not imagine keeping my DD's father away from her for a fortnight at a time - it is far too long a time in such a little world. I say that whatever the circumstances of the relationship breakdown (unless there had been dv).

You need to work around this and do your best for your DD, however hard it is to you. I wanted to say this earlier, but thought I would be flamed but I agree with others who have said that your H walked out on you, not on your DD.

It must be so hard for you though and I do feel for you. I really hope you manage to work things out.

Rindercella · 24/11/2009 18:23

Err Dittany - don't parents have rights then, or are those just reserved for mothers?

dittany · 24/11/2009 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsNotFab · 24/11/2009 18:28

Is the child 2 years and 4 months or

2 months and 4 days?

Rindercella · 24/11/2009 18:31

Agreed Dittany about responsibilties - but that should apply equally to both parents (and actually I don't think the OP mentioned her H claiming his rights - so your words).

I probably would scream at my estranged partner if I was just told that I could only see DD once a fortnight tbh.

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