its turning nasty.........

[seth]

My Husband walked out on me and my daugter 5 weeks ago. Wehave been to 2 relate sessions but both have been more like emotional slanging matches. He seems to be re writing our whole 8 years togther to tie in with how he feels now and I think he is doing it for lip service rather than trying towork things out. Anyway I told him that, until Christmas when we could review it, He could see our daughter (2.4 months) every other sunday for the whole day but until then I need to look after myself and her needed some space to think. I intend to arrange a mid week date in the new year but not just yet. He flew at me last night yelling at me saying he would not let me do this, how dare I prevent him from seeing his daughter and stormed off over the road yelling at me that he would fight me . I am still reeling and in complete shock that he has walked out on us and not even starting to get my head round this and just want him to respect my opinion on theis one decision. I do not intend to prevent him seeing her but I just want him to see that I am a human being and show a bit of empathy or kindness towards me. I am a bit scared but feel I should stand my ground as hean be a real bully and this could affect how he is about other things if I give in on this. Surely he didn't expect to be able to come and go as he pleased when he walked out on us ? He is acting as if he has done me a favour by 'letting' us stay in the house and have the car! Any thoughts on this really appreciated thanks!

Fair enough re: 2 years 4 months. Could you get in touch with local contact center and ask about arranging contact at least on a temporary basis until you feel stronger?

Why on Earth doesn't a father have the right to see his child every day?

Well, I was assuming that the father hadn't done anything to the detriment of the child's well-being, obviously.

the child should have the right to see her father whenever she wants then.

And the mother should not have the right to withhold access.

And how do you know that he is a bully? Or does him being a man automatically make him at fault? we don't know the circs here - perhaps he walked out because he found living with his wife intolerable. I'm not saying that's what happened but not all marriage breakdowns are down to men you know.

dittany, do you hate all men so vehmently?!

You can't stop him seeing her as long as he's not harming her in any way (emotionally too - not inc tears at home-time type stuff) as it is his right and his responsibility to maintain a healthy relationship with his daughter.

Contact centre usage is usually reserved for the likes of DV families or others who need proper safety and supervision - not just those that can't bear to see their ex because they're hurt atm...

Don't let him piss you about - make firm arrangements, regular visit days etc, but let him see the child more than once every 14 days!

Think of it this way: if it were you visiting, how much would YOU want?

I think to turn it around you could start by saying that you have been unreasonable and have had a think and that he does need more access.

Emotions are running high and of course you need some space where you dont seem him - but there must be some way that he can see your dd.

I would also say let him see her often and he will see what a good 'job' you are doing and also see just how hard it is.

stay strong and do what you know is right not try to score points. Although i can completely understand the feeling of wanting to hurt him anyway you can.

2.4 months is 2 years and 4 months imo

The poor child is being used! You can't do this!? Surely he has the right to see her when he can! Its your marriage that failed and he left!
Sorry if thats harsh but makes me mad to see kids used like this.

Seth, please go to see a solicitor.

If you believe your ex is using access to your DD to access you, then take control of the situation, yes, but not by limiting contact between the two of them. Do so under advice and through transparent and legitimate communication, i.e. solicior.

If he is a bully, this will become a battle with your child in the middle. You recognise your need for space from him but this can't equate to you creating space between your DD and him, without you appearing to be 'using' his contact with her as a means of control.

The majority reaction on ths thread to your decision is most likely to also be the reaction of the courts, if contact issues ever arise there. This is a negative perspective you would do well to avoid if you would prefer to be believed to be considering your child, rather than yourself first.

I think I understand what you are trying to do but I do think there is a better way of going about it, one which will be more fair for your DD and more producive for you.

Can we have a clarification from the OP on how old the child actually is?

I agree that she shouldn't be restricting contact with the father is it's at all workable for her not to, but there's a blinking big difference between 'workable' with a 2 year old and workable with a nine-week old baby, esp. if said baby is BF.

Also, if the child is 2 months, that means the OP is dealing with a man who bailed on her and a 4 week old baby. It changes rather a lot what position she's coming from. I can't imagine being rational enough to cope with a split on top of a new baby/night feeds etc!

Seconding all the suggestions that the OP seek legal advice, though. If he's determined it's over and they'll be looking at a split, getting a heads up is damned good advice!

Ok. I have called him and had a chat about more regular access. I had no idea what was 'normal' and whilst I found some of the comments a bit 'harsh' it certainly proved to me what the overwhelming feeling is. This is all completely new to me and I am still in pieces so it's a learning process.

You're doing what's best for your DD, so well done you

Well done seth, that was a brave thing to do (and the right thing)

Sorry that you are going through all this stress

I agree, well done Seth, not easy to put your own feelings aside and do what's best for your DD, so well done

Seth, it's really hard but you do have to separate your feelings from this. My H actually introduced our DC to OW without my knowledge of her and who she was. When I found out I was incandasent (sp) with rage and told him that she wasn't to have anything to do with them. I found out from here and legally that there was nothing I could do to stop him having the DC with her - a tough pill to swallow. I had to appeal to what humanity I thought he had left not to let them meet up with her for the next month. Fortunately he OW later that week.

What I am trying to say is that it is really painful and you are still in shock I suspect. Try and detach yourself mentally from your H, use the time he has your DD to get your hair done, manicure, whatever to make yourself feel better. Go out and make a life for yourself. I know when I started doing this my DH suddenly woke up to what he was going to lose etc. We did Relate too for over 4 months and it was really hard at times too. A bit of decompression is needed.

Good luck with everything.

Who is paying for the house?

I can understand how you feel,but him walking out doesn´t mean he can´t see his daughter.

I agree that every other Sunday isn´t enough.

Isn´t it often every other weekend plus one weekday?

I would get yourself & your daughter used to this sooner rather than later tbh.