Not sure where to put this as it is a WWYD rather than an AIBU question.

[citronella]

I am going to try to stick to facts rather than emotional stuff but am at the end of my patience, thether etc etc and don't know how best to move forward so would like to hear what you would do in this situation

I divorced XH 18mths ago for unreasonable behaviour (incl. dv)after 16yrs

I have residency of DC

I work full time

I moved out of x-family home with DC into rented (XH refused to move out)house

I own x family home and pay mortgage alone

I pay rent on current house alone

I cover all dc related expenditure (no maintenance and never asked for any).

I am paying all debts incurred jointly in marriage but in my name.

x family home up for sale to pay xh settlement(for last 18mths) and only 2 very very silly offers due to house needing a lot of work to put right unfinished diy that XH started.

XH still lives in X family home

Estate agent and solicitor advise, friends advise that I should ask him to move out (he won't/can't) or get posession order so that I can control the sale of the house and getting it marketed properly

My head says get posession order
My emotions say this is the father of my children I will be putting on the street.

What would you do?

You are paying for everything?
Tell him to move out.

You know the answer.

Force him to move out. You need to sell the house, so if he refuses to help, he has to move out.

very similar situation here! incl he refused to move out.
i also work and pay for everything, i moved out coz he refused to etcetcetc.

am going to seek order to sell the house exP is in.

yes this will put the dcs father "on the street" - but he is a grown man and will have to find a way to cope.

yours is also a grown man. he has the option to buy you out or come up with other proposal. just as my exP does.

my exP is saying "i will have to go to live in xxx(his home country)" - his family have property - i say "that is your choice" .

i think you ahve to sell out from under him and force the issue. otherwise he will just stay...

will he be on the streets? yes if he chooses ..will be HIS choice.

there are other options open to everyone.

Good god, he is a grown man not a child, he behaved awfully and you still feel responsible for him? Paying his way must be making your life very hard. Think of it this way, your children deserve that extra money each month, not him - think of what enjoyment they would get out of it. he doesn't have to 'go on the street', he can pull his socks up and take responsibility for the situation he has created by behaving like a total arse in he past. He created this situation and so it's his job to make right of it. You do NOT have to feel guilty, nor should you. He is taking advantage of your good nature and blaming you for something of his own doing!

Get him out of there.

God he sounds like a twunt

can't he take over lease of your rented property? do a swap then you don't have any gult over him being homeless and when dc visit him,its already familiar surroundngs?

Stop being a mug this minute!

Wow pretty unanimous so far then.

C'estlavie - glad that there is someone else who has a similar experience - though not that I wish it on anyone of course.
It is just so frustrating though isn't it? You work your tits off and someone else thinks its ok or even their right to not even try harder to sort their own life out. I mean it's not like he hasn't had time to plan for alternative accomododation and find regular work. I have a whole lot more respect for him even if he worked as a rubbish collector and lived in a room to get back on his own feet.

If you were able to find another place to live for yourself and your children then your ex should have no problems finding somewhere for just himself.

He needs to go.

IloveTiffany, an idea but a)he wouldn't be able to afford the rent and b) I don't really want to go back to the building site that is the x family home
It took me 6 months to find the house we are renting so that it was the right rent, close to dc school and childminder and that I could still walk to station for commute to work (I don't have a car).

I am a mug.

Give him a choice. "You can either move out by 1 Feb or start paying the mortgage yourself".

No way does he deserve a free ride.

Try this. Imagine you are 10 years older and your DC look back at how your XH treated you and how you responded.

Will they say, 'My Mum tried everything to make it work, but my Dad is a twunt who just took advantage of her lovely nature. She was right to chuck him out to secure our future.'

Or

'God, how could Mum chuck our lovely Dad out of the family home?'

It sounds like you're still scared of him. Am I right? I know it's hard, but I think you're going to have to try and be "brave" and go with your solicitor's advice.

I've been in a similar situation and I was always really scared to actually do anything that might piss my ex off, he'd always threatened to burn the house down.

In the end, of course, he did nothing and left the property - it was a shithole, and I didn't get the price I wanted, but I wasn't left destitute and was glad to be finally free of him.

MmeLindt - that's the thing though it could well be the second, they love him of course and I think they have forgotten the bad bits as they are just little.

Whoisasking - I'm no longer scared because I don't have to be under the same roof (also the bad times although pretty crap at times were not frequent). I guess though he obviously knows (after 16 yrs married and over 20 together) which buttons to press. He is very good at twisting things to make me seem like the unreasonable one.

Citronella
Of course they love him but when they are older they will be able to see him for the bully he is. And they will see that YOU were the one to give them stability and unconditional love.

I really hope so but i really i just wish he would get his act together then it wouldn't have to come to this.

Write to him (if nex more than once) asking him to leave in 4 weeks - which is plenty of time to find somewhere else.

Then Possession Order.

You and the DC deserve better - Simples.

citronella, yes there is comfort in numbers....

i have done the writing letters, requesting etc etc. no movement. will have to go to court to force sale.

takes so long and in meantime (legal) costs mount up. tho applciation fee for court order is hundreds not thousands....

but hopefully by this time 2010 will all be sorted - financially at least....

yes the dcs/dad relationship - as we try and keep it "light" for them and not load them with the whole reality - it blurs the boundaries...but i think when they older one can explain....

He has had plenty of time, now you need to warn him of what is coming so he has the opportunity to make further arrangements, and follow it through. When the children ask, tell them you and they needed the money - living in rented does have its downsides (eg if the landlord sells up). You can tell them you gave their dad time to find his feet. I am sure they will see that grown men don't need to be kept like an ailing pet!

Thanks C'est la vie and abedelia. I have already given him quite a bit of warning of this but I don't think he truly believes it.

mn has given me the resolve once again to see this through.

C'est la vie, perhaps we can look back on this together this time next year with relief that it will be sorted?

The possession order.

Oh my Lord - get him out out out! He is a parasite taking money from his own children.

"grown men don't need to be kept like an ailing pet!"

they certainly dont.

but there seems to be a breed that want to be kept like this, they seem to have little respect for themselves. my exP is king of the "poor me!" brigade...

should we blame their mothers?

whatever...in meantime, both I and citronella have to move on and push them - out onto the streets if needs be.

tks for starting this thread, i needed the reminder too...

Hi there - I am another in a very similar situation
I live in the family home and pay everything, all the childrens stuff as well, and always have, he lives in another flat we own jointly, and until recently I paid that as well, unfortunately everything is in joint names and I couldnt risk my house and credit
I still pay all the joint debts (same reason), including the loan on his business (again joint names AND secured on my house)!

I am trying to force a sale of the busineses at least to pay some debts - but he is resisting, looks like will be court here too and yes my legal bills are mounting astronomically !!

I totally understand, I still feel sorry for him and he is a twunt of the highest order, funny he has money to drink in the pub and run his big fuckoff car, but none to support his children or pay his debts off!!

I am a MUG too And his sense of entitlement is extraordinary (at one stage he threatened he would apply for spousal support as well ), I think he has to feel he is "entitled", the alternative is that he has no pride or self worth at all, and of course that cant be it must always all be my fault

you are not putting him on the street.

HE is putting himself on the street by being a knob.