Brainwashing within an abusive relationship.

[poshsinglemum]

Has anyone experienced this?

By brainwashing I mean giving up your values and interests in favour of his. This normally happens subtely.
Is gas lighting a form of brainwashing.
Are partners with npd more likely to brainwash their partners?
Are certain types pof women more likely to be brainwashed?
Why do us women put up with the abuse?
Why is it so hard to leave?
How can we guard against future abusive situations?

I have writen before about my abusive relationship and I am still finding it hard to forgive myself for staying. I think that I was brainwashed as I took on a lot of his ideals as my own were squashed and ridicules. I feel like such a mug.

Eldest child here o/

History of helping lame pigeons across the street o/

Damaged XH who needed rescuing o/

Oh no, I'm a stereotype!

It's nice not to be alone, though!

Well, "nice" as in "sorry you've suffered this too".

Nice that we can get together and support each other, I think you mean ;)

I am an eldet child and my mu was very ill. Dad emotionally distant.

Some very interesting responses on this thread thank you.

I am trying to be kind to myself. It helps to know that abusive relationships are HARDER to leave than normal, healthy ones.

After ten years in my marriage, I am absolutely certain that I was brainwashed by my NPD husband. Haven't managed to get out of it - but, the latest in my saga is that he has now informed me that he is 'probably' now divorcing me.

Autumn- mabe it's for the best as now you have an excuse to get out of an abusive situation.

I think I have only just realised the pressures that most women are under to find and stay with a man. In some ways it is very liberating to realise that self worth comes from within.
It also makes me very angry that society has that expectation. A man should be life enhancing. A bonus rather than an essential. that's what I will teach my dd. I think that we have a generation of strong women coming up right now1

Another oldest here. I'm definitely a caretaker type. But I have found that having good books that put it all in black and white gave me something of a spine. I saw many links in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder thread that was active a few weeks ago (search for just Narcissistic Personality Disorder), including [www.outofthefogsite.com this one] that was very informative.

Gaslighting is a process named after an old film, where someone tries to destroy your trust in your own perceptions and judgement. Sort of like emotional/ perceptual lobotomy.

Grrr here's the link again

Outof thefog website is fantastic- thank you!

It's the most detailed site I've found so far.

I am not blaming anyone for having fallen foul of an abuser. We are what and who we are, and it's not a fault to be kind and giving, it makes the behaviour of abusers even more repugnant.
I do, however, lay some blame at the culture which tells women that the most important thing in life is to have and keep a man (mind you, got my arse kicked sideways on another thread for pointing this out)...
And yes, I have a bit of a rescuer streak as well, but luckily for me I also have a selfish streak which means that I have always managed to pull out of anything like actually living with any of the inadequates or fuckups I got mixed up with - no matter how 'exciting' these drama-queen situations were, I always had just a little voice in the back of my mind saying 'you can do better, you know...'
I'm sorry if that sounds like bragging, it isn't meant to.

I'm an eldest child too, really conscientious in everything I do, and hate to think I'm ever letting anyone down or under achieving.

H exploited that for all it was worth until I woke up one day and saw it all for what it was - I was effectively his slave, housekeeper, PA all rolled into one. He wasn't meeting a single one of my needs, just financing us all.

I'm just in the process of going through the divorce (he's found a new victim!) and am also wondering how I can avoid making the same mistake in future. It all started so subtly, I will be so much more wary next time (if there is one!)

Solid Gol- I agree with you completely.

I must point out that I never lived with this guy. In retrospect, I spent a considerable amount of time trying to get away from him.
I went travelling for four months alone. He didn't want me to go to Uni but I went(even though the abuse facilitated me dropping out due to illness), He didn't want me to go on an expedition at Uni that I was especially selected for-but I went.

I guess I did quite well under the circumstances as if he had his own way I wouldn't have gone to Uni. He kept telling me how all students were shit, how all people who lived in cities went mad (he was a country boy and oh the irony- I went mad because of him not the city) The city I went to Uni in was in Scotland- hindreds of miles away from him so in retrospect I was trying to escape. Why I never said the phrase ''bog off'' I will never know..

I think that our culture is to blame. I feel very complete without a relationshipat the moment. At least I don't have to justify myself to anyone else which is such a blessed relief!

Have been reading website- it's great!

tiredofthe rain- I guess it's about learning from our mistakes.

My elder sister is in an abusive relationship and is brainwashed into believing everything that the little creep she is with tells her.

She is not a "rescuer". She is not a person who tries to look after others, She hasno conscience is one of life's takers - and always has been.

She has never had low self esteem, and in fact carries herself with quite a superior air, she has always been the one to finish with men in previous relationships of whcih she has had loads.

So, she displays none of the usual "red flags" that we should be looking out for when considering the sorts of women who find themselves in emotionally abusive relationships.

Just pointing out that it's not always as easy as pigeon-holing people...

Crikey, I'm an eldest child too. I see a pattern forming here....

In her more lucid moments when she realises she can take no more of the insane jealously, the paranoia, the control of her behaviour and personal freedoms, the manipulation, the sulking, the blaming and the passive/agreesive behaviour and she's feeling strong enough to break free from him, my sister thinks it was bad luck she ever met her freak.

Then, when her resolve starts to crumble she feels weak and weepy and starts casting around for her rose-coloured specs through which to view him and their relationship together. He starts bombarding her with soppy emails and texts and starts to ring late at night, crying and bleating, a broken man full of apologies, lies and promises that he'll change and be the man she wants him to be. Suddenly, she starts to defend him again, he is the best thing since sliced bread again, the only man who can make her happy and with whom she can be truly happy, her soul-mate whom she "wants to fix". He becomes the victim who blames everyone else for his problems and who she, in turn, cannot blame for anything.

The button-pushing starts in earnest and she starts to swallow every line again. The brainwashing begins again and the cycle begins all over again. He's allowed back in "to prove himself" - until as has happened many times before it's proved he can't change and he's out again.

It's also bad luck for the family of the woman who have to sit on the sidelines watching all the shit occuring. The family who are powerless to do anything to protect the poor defenceless kids who are stuck in the middle of this unhealthy, destructive relationship (and who incidentially are not this freak's own children).

These destructive, toxic relationships are like a pebble being thrown into a pond. The ripples reach out and taint and affect everyone around it. They kill love and respect and trust far outside of the four walls they are being conducted in.

It's never just the women in them who are affected by these poisonous relationships. Other people are in these relationships too and they suffer enormously.

Unfortunately, I know all too well and despite the fact that I have tried all I can to help, there is not one thing I can do about it. The destructive cycle is seemingly never ending and in the middle of it all are children trying to grow up.

"wants to fix". Well, she's a rescuer then. Maybe her sense of self esteem is tied to her ability to rescue him, or to the flattering idea that he will try to prove himself to her. It's not something that is in her innately, imo. I don't think a woman who is a mother and values her relationship with her children or prioritises their welfare would time and again put an abuser first if she didn't have serious self esteem problems.

I'm a younger child. Sorry, there goes your theory...

Strawberry- I totally agree that it's the family who suffer just as much as the abused - if not more so.

My mum and dad were destroyed by what happened to me. they hated him but the more they tried to warn me the more I clung to him- like an idiot. If anyone treated my dd like that I would not be so kind or tolerant. I would have ripped him to shreds with my bare hands.

Often the people on the outside can see what is happening but are powerless to help. I'm lucky I didn't have kids with the man. That must be rotten.

Mabe your sister sees him as a project? Mabe she gets a sense of achievement when he comes together? He sounds awful though.

It just shows that noone is immune and love is blind though.

I'm an eldest child, and I remember my dad pouring his heart out to me when I was twelve about his troubles with my mum

I definitely grew up with an over-developed sense of responsibility. I even trained as a consellor- although I haven't really worked in the field, as I recognised I had too much going on in my own life to be much use.

I did stay in an abusive relationship out of duty and pity for a long time, but thankfully have been free of these patterns for a while now and am very happy with the partner I'm with now.

I recommend lots of reading, and maybe some personal therapy. It will pay for itself in terms of your happiness. Nowt wrong with being generous- you just need to be happy in yourself and find someone who is generous to you and not a bloodsucker.

Another oldest child here also with an emotionally distant Dad.

Ilm really glad this thread is here, thanks for starting it PSM.

I was a having a good long chat with a lovely friend last night and she got a biit cross with me because I kept putting myself down - she pointed out that I am still behaving in the way that my XP 'trained' me to behave (don't know if that's the right phrase to use). Like I[ve internalised his critical voice - god that sounds like therapy speak doesn't it!

Does anyone else feel that there is a gap between how others see you and how you see yourself?

Even now my self confidence is very low and I feel embarrassed to admit it and don't know what to do to improve it.

My sister has never been "a rescuer" before. In fact she's always been the one to wear the trousers in all but one of her (many) previous relationships I can think of.

It's the way that this creep brainwashes her that makes her react in this way. He really is totally toxic.

The children in this relationship are not his which makes things far, far worse for us as family.

It's not like she can even use the excuse of having to keep on having him back for their sakes. It would be better gfor these children if he was a trillion miles away from them and their mother. At times she acknowledges that, but she just keeps on weakening and listening to all the crap he spews and letting him back into their lives for it all to start over again.

To be perfectly honest, she's old enough to make her own decisions and if it were just her we'd almost certainly just leave her to it but those children need to be looked out for by adults who are of a rational mind. By her own admission, her mind is in a haze and she can't concentrate properly when he's around because he takes up all her head space.

We need to keep close so that we can be there for those children but it's heartbreaking that we are utterly impotent really and unable to any more than just watch from the sidelines the carcrash that is their mother's so called "relationship" with this freak.