Is it possible for women to have a purely sexual relationship?

[jools37]

If any of you have read any of my other posts, you will know of the issues I have with my husband and our celibate marriage.

Other posters have mentioned having 'fuck buddies' that they use purely for sex while carrying on their other more meaningful relationship with their partner.

I was wondering how many people successfully handle this kind of purely sexual relationship. It sounds like a great solution, but I am not sure I am any good at keeping sex separate from other feelings in the long run. I have had a couple of meaningless one-night stands in the past, but I have never slept with a man more than once whom I didn't have any other feelings for.

Is it really possible for women to have regular sex with one person without forming any emotional attachment to them at all?

No.

If you continue to enjoy the sex, over time (at the very least) you will form an attachment. That's just human nature!

Well it depends what you mean by emotional attachment 0 I'm fond of my 'fuck buddy' but I don't want to run away with him or set up home or anything.

Our relationship is purely about sex though - he comes over for a few hours at a time. We don't go out on dates or anything.

I'm single though and it works for me for now, I'm not trying to fill a hole in an existing relationship - I think in your situation you would have to examine your relationship with your DH very carefully. Are you really happy in every other respect?

Spicemonster. No, I'm not happy in every other respect, but I think it mostly leads back to my frustration, which makes every other annoying thing he does 100 times more annoying, and the rows we have more heated than they might otherwise be. I don't think most people can compartmentalise aspects of their relationship like that. The lack of sexual intimacy makes us much less close in lots of other ways than we used to be, we are just basically friends and housemates at the moment.

If it were not for the DCs, I would probably leave, but he is a great dad and they adore him and I don't want to make their lives less happy for my selfish reasons. DH says he is content with our situation, so I am the only miserable one at the moment.

I am not seriously considering this fuck buddy idea, as I know it would not work for me. A meaningless shag is ok now and again, but for me sex is only ever really good with soemone you have deeper feelings for in the long term. I already have feelings for the OM who has come into my life to stir things up, as we had a relationship prior to my marriage. I have not slept with him, as I know how it would make me feel.

Just curious as to how other people handle it.

You poor thing . I completely understand your frustration and that you don't want to rock your children's boat (even your own).

Oh I'm sorry, that's such a sad situation

So I suppose the answer is yes, for me, but it's not true for all women. I am very good at separating sex from love but I appreciate I'm quite unusual in that respect.

Not all men can have sex without getting emotionally involved either - in fact I think the idea that they all find it much easier than women is a bit of a myth.

Jools I did spend quite a bit of time yesterday writing a specific post for you on that other thread. You might not have seen it.

I think these are two separate questions. Yes, I think it's possible for single women to have to have no-strings, sex-only relationships, without feelings getting stronger. However, the FB relationship possibility you are exploring is rather different. This would involve deceit again, unless it was with the approval and knowledge of your H. Even then, I suspect you couldn't cope with that.

Is your DH withholding sex for emotional reasons- ie to keep his distance? Is he impotent? Does he have no/low sex drive? Sorry but I haven't read your other posts.

I'd say you have several options which might change in time:

*Have sex with a man you like, but don't love- and accept that it will lead to nothing more. (This worked for me once- before I was married. My boyfriend had sexual issues /problems and I dated another man after a few years in the celibate situation. I didn't love the OM, but was fond of him. It ended when he found someone else, but I wasn't devasted.) Obviously this knd of set up requires you both to know the score and not become too emotionally involved.

• Leave your DH- mismatched sex drives and no sex can be the death of any relationship sooner or later. Would you look back in 20 years' time and wish you had left?

*Book yourself an escort and simply have no frills, no strings sex- seriously.

I don't know what is behind your question- if your DH knows you are unhappy but can't ot won't change for some reason, it is not right that you should be denied a sex life if that is what you want. I suppose you have to decide if you want sex for sex's sake- the physical release- or if you want meaningful sex with an emoaitonal connection- if it is the latter then you need to end your marriage and move on.

WhenwillIfeelnormal, I did read your post on the other thread and appreciate all you said. I have decided to do nothing at the moment, other then ask OM to keep his distance for a while, and try and gather my thoughts. I am hoping DH will have time to spend talking with me over Christmas, he is working away all week at the moment and weekends are busy with the children etc, we never seem to have any time.

I know that OM and I cannot have no-strings attached sex. He is someone I already have a deep emotional connection to. He was my first serious love, and the only reason we separated is because he was offered a fantastic job overseas, which I would not have asked him to turn down. He was 25 at the time, I was 20 and in the middle of my law degree and I could not go with him, although he asked me to. I loved him very much and it broke my heart when he left.

I don't think I am the type of person who could be that emotionally detached from sex, not on a regular basis anyway, I was just curious as to how other women do it.

If you are miserable the kids will pick up on it, sorry I haven't read any of your other threads, but unless there is a medical reason why you DH cannot have sex I honestly think you need to consider your future carefully.

Once your DCs have upped and left home, in however many years it will be harder for you to move on and find somebody else, a sexless marriage is not a marriage imho.

There is no medical problem. He is not impotent, his libido is just nil. It has always been a lot less than mine, but it didn't seem to matter so much before we had kids and we were both busy working and having more fun together. Over the years we have grown in opposite directions in this area. My libido has increased and his has just dwindled to nothing. We have had sex because we both wanted kids, but that has largely been a purely mechanical process, not about passion. Nothing since DD2 was conceived.

I no longer feel any physical atrraction for DH. His lack of interest in me has sapped any passion I had for him. For a long time, I felt unattractive and put up with it. Recently though I have started to realise that I am still attractive and I am still young and I want more. I have talked to DH about it but he does not seem particularly concerned.

OM has now reappeared in my lfe and has made it clear that he still wants me, and I cannot tell you how wonderful that is after years of being rejected!

I don't know what I am going to do. DH is my best friend and in many ways a good husband and a great dad, but I do know I cannot live the rest of my life in this barren way, or I will regret it.

Oh dear, this is what I feared - that you have decided on a "do nothing for now" option. I understand about busy lives only too well, but postponing talks till Christmas makes me wonder whether you are avoiding them. Not sure what you mean about OM "keeping his distance" either...

As I said on the other thread, this situation is not going to resolve itself.

Strangely enough, I do understand your feelings about your old flame, but wonder whether your mind is playing tricks on you. You never got to see what he would have been like as a husband or father - whether he would have been selfish, adulterous, manipulative etc. He has been crystallised in a time warp and especially in your situation Jools, it's no wonder how potent his interest in you is now.

Try if you can to view him a bit more objectively. What he's doing is actually incredibly selfish, intruding on another couple's marriage. I'm sure he is also caught up somewhat in a "lost love" fantasy, but the plain facts are that if you'd both loved one another enough then, you would have moved heaven and earth to be together.

Even if you'd been sensible (and love tends not to be) and pursued your professional lives in separate countries, you would have stayed together and got together when ever you could; university holidays etc. One or both of you clearly made a decision then that your love wasn't strong enough to withstand the separation. There was a reason why it didn't work out and I suspect the "job in a different country" reason is a bit of a romantic delusion.

jools - I am a bit nervous of posting this in case it comes back to bite me but I have had such a lot of support on here that it is only fair I try and repay some and hope it doesn't back fire.

I used to want to have a fling with an ex as I felt I wasn't getting what I physically wanted from my husband. I love and fancy him loads but we don't have the same libido and I would feel rejected and also crap at daring to want sex. Not helped by knowing there was someone who did want me. We decided we would meet up and I convinced myself it wasn't real cheating as it was an ex and I also figured I could hide it from my DH and if not, he would forgive me anyway. Complete loon. (me, not DH).

When it came to it I didn't meet him and talked to DH instead. He was hurt but he understood and we are really really close and solid atm and now have a sort of code system for when we feel yes/no so we both know where we are. He doesn't feel pressured and I don't feel rejected.

To me, what I have with DH is worth so much more than a shag with an ex as DH and I can be just as passionate when we are in the same frame of mind.

Not sure it helps but I just wanted to say you can get things back if you are able to be honest and talk.

Good luck.

whenwill- I don't agree with your points about the OM. If there is love, the relationship might have worked out. We all make kistakes andpoor judgements but I am sure that at the time, the OP felt her decision was right. That doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be a good relationship.

OP
I too had an ex come back into my life- we are still in touch after 35 years after 1st meeting.
In my case, he ended it and I was devastated- we were engaged. He felt he was to young- and we were. But 3 marriages later ( for him) he still cares for me and says it was a mistake to end it with me- he thinks of me as his soul mate. In order not to cause any hurt we have decided to leave it. Like you, when he wanted me in between marriages, I couldn'tleave because of my kids. I now realise I should have taken a chance. They would have survived.

I'm afraid I feel you should leave your marriage now. Whether that is for the OM is another matter- is he free?

Too big a part of you is not being fulfilled. Your DH may have a medical problem- low testosterone and should see his GP to check it out.

I think he has a responsibility to face up the fact that he is not meeting your needs- and if he really loves you, he should let you go to find what you desire.

Ask yourself if nothing changes, can youlive like this for another 40 years?

How old are your DCS? Believe me, it won't get easier until they are adults- I didn't leave my DH for the OM because of my kids, then aged 7 & 5- but as time went on it was GCSEs, A levels, 1st year at uni.....

there is never a "right" time.

Being a good dad and good to you in other respects is all very well, but you need more than that.

Set yourself free and embrace life- it's all too short.

I agree with PP. The ops h is being incredibly selfish - he is the one who has weakened the marriage and left it vulnerable to third parties and should expect to face the consequences and fallout of that.

Lack of sex and physical affection is not just a small and distinct part of a marriage- lack of it will overspill into other areas.

Instead the OP is taking responsibility for the health of the marriage and worrying about how it would affect dcs etc

Sorry if I sound harsh. I was in same position in mine and exh would just not address it. I never got to the bottom of it and it impacted upon all areas of the marriage.

Towards the end if the opportunity had arose I would have happily taken a lover.

Having posted earlier I have no read the whole thread properly and it has freaked me out a bit how similar I and the OP's situations have been. My DH though does want to have sex with me, just not always at the same time or as often.

The OM in my case was my first love and we were together a long time, off and on, and he was with his girlfriend - now wife - when we had our last fling but I didn't know he was seeing someone. Other people interfered and lied to keep us apart and I was told he was married so moved on. He wasn't married and only actually got married a couple of months after I did and about 6 years after our fling.

He won't leave his wife as he has made a commitment and I won't leave my DH as I love him very much so it is hard to understand my feelings for someone else. Out of sight but not out of mind but we can't ever be friends and talk again.

I've posted before. I have had fuck buddies in the past (several of them) and have managed pretty easily to not get emotionally involved.

My husband also has no libido and this situation 'works' for me. Obviously I'd much prefer to be having amazing sex with my husband but that's never going to happen. Sex with a fuck buddy for me means that i have lost the resentment and anger I was feeling towards my husband and am now appreciating the other 99% of our relationship which is great!

I should add that I like my buddies very much, enjoy their company but have no desire whatsoever to live with them or even stay overnight with them or go for a meal etc...would much rather be with my husband for all that sort of stuff.

However, I should add that I've always felt a bit unusual amongst my friends, even when we were younger. I had a lot of one night stands and whilst my friends complained of feeling 'used' and 'cheap' afterwards it never bothered me a single bit. I think it's just your personality how you handle the sex.

I agree with another poster that there are also men out there who can't cope with just sex. I finished with one buddy cos he was getting way too serious and emotional involved, it wasn't fair on him.

OM has never got married, does not have any children so he has nothing to give up. He is not putting any pressure on me, he has just let me know how he feels. He knows I am unhappy. I have asked him not to contact me any more until I sort my head out.

WhenwillIfeelnormal, I understand what you are saying but I am not sure it is totally fair. OM went to work in the Far East, so it would not have been that easy to keep popping back and forth. I was a 20 year old student pursuing a career path I had set my heart on at 13. I thought I would have been insane (as did all my friends, and my parents, believe me, there were tears and rows at the time) to give that up at my age for a man. After all, how many people end up staying with their first love? Now I think I may have been insane to give him up.

No one gets to know what a person is like as a husband, father etc until they give the relationship a try, that is why it such a gamble. I had no idea that my relationship with DH would end up like this in the beginning. If I had, I would never have married him, despite all the good things. Unfirtunately, none of us has a crystal ball, we all just make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time, some end up being good, some not so good.

My children are 4 and 2. I have a long time to be in this situation before they leave home. Anyway, I am not entirely sure that it would not be better for them for us to part now while they are young enough to adapt. I know my issues are affecting them a bit at the moment, as I either feel angry or weepy a lot of the time.

I am not avoiding talking to DH, if anything it is the other way round. He is currently working away from Monday morning until Friday night, then he is always 'tired' or has work to catch up on or errands to run. The last two weekends he has invited friends and family to stay so we have had no time alone. Today he has gone to Twickenham on a works outing for the rugby. Next Friday he is going to a Christmas party, then we have some friends coming. I know he is avoiding me because he knows what is coming. I am so pissed off at the moment that I know if I force a confrontation now, I will probably say something I cannot take back. I just want to do it when he has run out of excuses and we have the time to address things properly.

I am just trying to be sensible, as I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

How about time on your own without either man.

Fab, I think that may be what I end up doing. If DH and I separate for a while, and I don't have any contact with OM, maybe I will get a clearer perspective on what I really want. I guess I will either miss Dh, or be relieved, I don't know. The only thing that is stopping me is thinking about whether it is good for DDs, but at the moment they are only seeing DH at weekends when he comes home, so they could still do that without me being there.

It feels so much better once you have made your choice.

I know, a small part of me thinks about walking out, just so there will be a resolution and we can maove forward. Most of me is just paralysed with fear, indecision and uncertainty though.

For the sake of clarity, what I am saying (and Jools knows this from my post on the other thread) I don't think that anyone should live in a marriage without intimacy or sex. I agree profoundly that these huge gaps contaminate every aspect of married life. I don't think that children should grow up with parents who are in such a marriage. The resentment all this causes inevitably spills over and children pick up on it.

I do feel it is much more ethical however, to make every attempt to address the problems and then if nothing changes, leave the marriage. Withdrawal of sex and intimacy is a deal-breaker in a marriage, but so is infidelity and deception.

I'm also puzzled by a few inconsistencies. You've said Jools that he has never had a proper libido - and then later you said that if you'd known it was going to be like this, you'd never have married him. Has he changed - or is it you who has changed? Once you work this out, it's a good place to start a conversation - less accusatory and more from a perspective of "how can we resolve this?" Ultimately though Jools, if he can't or won't change, you don't have to live this life - and it would be so much better to separate with dignity and come to a civilised co-parenting arrangement.

Purple Peony I thought this was such a sad statement: "Like you, when he wanted me in between marriages, I couldn'tleave because of my kids. I now realise I should have taken a chance. They would have survived."

Assuming you're still married, does your H know you feel this way? That must hurt him terribly, if he suspects that you wish you'd left him. And awful for you, too.

Jools, I have had a few fuckbuddies. I found it OK, but the sex never as good as with someone I felt emotionally involved with.

There is a man I have been very emotionally involved with and we have ended up trying to 'downgrade' it to fuckbuddies because of various issues, but it always still hurts when he leaves.

Nonetheless, I reckon a bit of emotional angst is better than celibacy and I totally understand your frustration.

WhenwillIfeelnormal. I think the fact is we have both changed, just in opposite ways. His libido was always less than mine, but we did have sex regularly, and we both had very busy lives, with demanding jobs and busy social schedules which took up a lot of our time, so I don't think the disparity was that obvious.

As time has gone on, he has withdrawn more and wanted sex less and less. Then it became about having babies. Since we had the children and I stopped working, I seem to be wanting it more and he does not want it at all. I am sure that there are many reasons why this has happened, and maybe we need counselling. DH has always been fairly reluctant to discuss this in the past, and tends to think that you shouldn't need to discuss your problems with outsiders. I guess it is up to me to make him see that he must do if we are to survive.

How many of the people with "fuck buddies" have husbands who know about and accept the situation?

If they don't, how do you live with such deceit?

Would it be any different, if say a husband became impotent through illness or disability and couldn't physically have sex , would people feel entitled to a sex life outside their marriage then?

Is total lack of libido not an "illness" in itself? It's certainly not normal and needs investigating.