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Original poster

Is it ok to invite your ex to your wedding?

73 replies

AvelineBoswell · 20/11/2009 22:53

just wondered?

OP posts:

titfertat · 21/11/2009 09:57

My ex-boyfriend came to my wedding. He was my first love, serious relationship, and now a very good friend. It wouldn't have bothered me if an ex-girlfriend of DH's had been there.

naughtymummy · 21/11/2009 10:04

Yikes, it does sound like you are b a bit u. I mean basically she is his mate. They had a breif sexual relationship, which didn't work out now they are freinds again as they maybe always should have been IYSWIM. If that is the case then I can't see why she shouldn't be there. However if it was a long term relationship and or very recent then I can see why you would n't want her there and Df should respect that.

QuintessentialShadows · 21/11/2009 10:11

You know, I think there must be more to this. Are you uncertain what the texts, phonecalls really are about? Are you worried there is unfinnished business? Could she still be in love with him? Are you hurt that he really wants to have her there?

shockers · 21/11/2009 10:13

My husband's ex fiancee was at my wedding... I wasn't thrilled but I did have an ex boyfriend there too. We've been married for 12 years now and are still friends with both of them so it seems like it was the right decision(having said that, ex boyfriend's new wife wouldn't have me at their wedding last year!)

groundhogs · 21/11/2009 10:21

"I think in this day and age it would be very rare for the bride and groom to not have ANY guest who they once slept with"

ER, excuse me? speak for yourself!! Not everyone lives like that... Meh!

OP, it bothers you, end of story, your DF may think you are being a little U, and perhaps you are, but if you calmly explain the reasons, that you've tried to overcome it, but can't, then it's not that unreasonable to say no exes at the wedding.

What are you doing for the reception? could you invite her to that?

See if you can find a middle ground.

BeehiveBaby · 21/11/2009 10:22

DH's main ex was his 'best woman'!

geordieminx · 21/11/2009 10:35

"Bam"... Quint hits the nail on the head I think....

Personally, when dh and I got married last month I wouldnt have wanted any of his ex's there... but thsats because I hold my hands up and say I am quite a jealous person. It would on the other hand have been perfectly acceptable to have my ex's there luckily we were limited to 40 for the ceremony

Whilst it should be thwe happiest day of your life, and it should be 100% about you and your dh, I think you need to be careful that you dont throw your toys out of the cot over this, and end up looking like an insecure jealous control freak. Sorry just being blunt Its untimately your call, but you need to weigh up whether your dh wants her there more than you dont want her there IYKWIM... Alternaively you could invite your ex

SGB - Sorry but had a little at "nice intimate wedding" - I have such a filthy mind.

Tambajam · 21/11/2009 17:42

groundhogs - Check out the average age people get married at these days, the average age people lose their virginity, how many friends people normally invite....The maths isn't difficult.
It's not 'who lives like that'. It's about staying friends with ex-partners and some relationships involving into genuine mature friendship. It's not 'Orgyworld'.

upahill · 21/11/2009 18:18

Well I had a couple of ex'es at mine and they had brought their partners. Both relationships ended over 10 year previous and we all moved on and I went to their weddings as well.
No problems at all.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 21/11/2009 18:24

"i can not get my head around the possibility that someone sitting in the congregation at our wedding have fucked had him before,

the very thought that he shared himself i struggle with"

That is really unfair considering you have "fucked" someone else before too.

HopingForASunnyDay · 21/11/2009 18:26

IME things often sound a lot worse than they really are - will it really be the end of the world if she is there?

I get married in 4 weeks, and DF's ex wife will be there. To be honest, the whole idea of marrying a man who has been married before seemed completely unthinkable to me all those years ago when I met DF. I went in with an open mind and I'm so pleased now that I did.

If you had told me five years ago that I would A) be marrying a divorce and B) that his ex wife would be at our wedding, I would actually have laughed at you...

When the subject of her presence at our wedding came up, ok, it sounded awful, but when I really, really thought about it, it actually wasn't so bad.

The thing is, this is a chance for you to be magnanimous and gracious in the face of a difficult situation. If I were you, I would grab it with both hands and use it to demonstrate what a generous spirited person you can be.

Wouldn't you rather have your DF, the Ex and all your guests think of you like that? They will all have a lot more respect for you if you can find it in yourself to rise above this.

FabHasHadHerSurprise · 21/11/2009 18:29

No one at my wedding either who had slept with me or the groom. Except me.

Francasaysrelax · 21/11/2009 18:36

Our wedding was full of our exes!
I couldn't really see much problems, they are friends and the relationship was in the past.

groundhogs · 21/11/2009 18:44

Sorry Tambajam, but somehow it is 'who lives like that'. I don't, and I don't know anyone that does live like that either...

Friends invited to weddings are one thing, but surely they don't have to be people you've slept with... unless I missed some memo or something. .

There certainly were not any people at my wedding that either my DH or myself had shagged previously, there were no ex girlfriends/boyfriends.

IMHO it would not be appropriate, nor desirable.

OP is perfectly entitled to her opinion, she's not comfortable inviting her ExH, despite having a DD and still maintaining a good relationship with him. She is also not comfortable having her fiance's Ex there either. Perfectly understandable.

As I said, maybe OP IS being a little unreasonable, but sometimes we are all a little unreasonable about some things. This is her wedding, she's hardly being a bridezilla in asking that exes are not a part of the wedding. I did suggest as a middle ground that perhaps OP could have the ex to the evening thing, and not at the church.

We're all entitled to a past, but no need to include the past into the future.

verytellytubby · 21/11/2009 18:51

Ex came to our wedding. He's a really good friend of my DH and we've always stayed good friends. He's now seeing one of my friends so we all went out for dinner last week..

lowrib · 21/11/2009 19:38

groundhogs if me and my DP didn't socialise with people we had previously slept with we wouldn't be able to see some very good friends, which would be patently ridiculous. In fact it is unusual for us to be out without someone we have slept with being there. It is only an issue if you make it one.

Different people have different social norms.

The people in our friendship circles are pretty open minded about sex, and this is true for many people these days.

Original poster

AvelineBoswell · 22/11/2009 00:20

mixed response, thankyou.

firstly, i have 'fucked' many a man in my past (fab) some good, some not so, but i have not invited any of them to my wedding,

i feel no need to hang on to past relationships, never have, it is, after all, the past,

i am not worried about any exs he has, i am not the controling type, i find it interesting that some of you think that this could be the only reason i may have a problem with her attending the service,

for me, the past is just that, the past,

for me, the day i say 'i do' is the future,

simple.

OP posts:

MatthewBellamysMuse · 22/11/2009 00:39

I went to my ex's wedding with me (then) new partner and our son.
My ex and I had been engaged and living together but never got married. We're still good friends to this day and I'm godmother to his first son.

fanjolina · 22/11/2009 10:05

Aveline, every one has different views on this because their relationship history is unique to them, as is their view of what their wedding day should be.

But this is your day, so do what is important to you. What we all think doesn't matter, cos it is not our wedding.

dollius · 22/11/2009 15:33

I think unless it's going to cause a diplomatic incident with family members then you just invite the people you are both agreed on, really.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/11/2009 16:08

Aveline, you say:
"for me, the past is just that, the past,

for me, the day i say 'i do' is the future,

simple."

So why worry about any exes at the wedding? Surely they belong to the past, and you and him are the future?

thumbwitch · 22/11/2009 16:18

hmm, not sure about your motives here, OP.

I agree with QS on that point.

However, I had an ex at my wedding - and my DH and I had both previously attended his wedding, because we were good friends before we got together and refused to lose that good friendship when the "relationship" bit didn't work out. DH knew and had no issue with it.

However - if you are seriously uncomfortable about this woman being at your wedding, and tbh I think you need to re-examine your real reasons for this - your fiancé should take your feelings into consieration.

skidoodle · 22/11/2009 16:33

I'm trying to think if dh or I had shagged anyone else at our wedding. Can't think of anyone, but not certain.

I can see not wanting an 'ex' at your wedding, as in someone whose place in your life is that you used to be in a relationship with each other.

I think it is pretty obsessive to be worried about friends being present just because one or other of you shagged or went out with them at some point in the past.

Lol @ living "like that", what like a person with a big group of friends that have stayed tight over the years? How appalling!

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