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Original poster

Is it ok to invite your ex to your wedding?

73 replies

AvelineBoswell · 20/11/2009 22:53

just wondered?

OP posts:
FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 21/11/2009 00:08

At the end of the day, you are the one he had a child with, you are the one that he is standing up with and exchanging vows with,

VinegarTits · 21/11/2009 00:09

yes you are acting like bridezilla

Original poster
AvelineBoswell · 21/11/2009 00:09

5, the child was with my ex, not him

OP posts:
FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 21/11/2009 00:12

Sorry misread that, so it is Ok for you to have a child who will obviously be at the wedding by someone else, but there can be no evidence of him having a previous sex life?

Original poster
AvelineBoswell · 21/11/2009 00:12

so not wanting his previous lover in the church is immature?

if i am wrong i am happy to say so,

im just struggling to say im ok with it,

see, i could invite my ex (as he is lovely and the father of my dd and my friend) but i dont think it is approprite, thats all.

OP posts:
jasper · 21/11/2009 00:14

Why exactly are you so uncomfortable about this? Bearing in mind you are ok about the friendship itself?

Does your fiance know the depth of your feelings on this? What does he think?

Original poster
AvelineBoswell · 21/11/2009 00:15

5, if he had a child then naturally, ffs.

he doesnt, he has an 'ex lover' who lasted all of a few months, someone he didnt love but stayed in touch with,

where do you/i draw the line?

thats all i was asking...

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 21/11/2009 00:19

I doubt I'd invite an ex-husband or someone I'd made a commitment to (ie lived with/had kids with), but an old boyfriend isnt the same. Swapping bodily fluids isn't really in the same league, and might seriously curtail my guest list

Unless torches are being carried, I can't see the problem.

Original poster
AvelineBoswell · 21/11/2009 00:19

i have touched on my feelings about this,

he thinks i am being a little unreasonable,

thats why i am asking here,

see for me, i have had 3 loving relationships, all ending in various situations,

all i want is my 'perfect' wedding day (with my 'perfect' partner) to be minus any previous lovers,

simple.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvelineBoswell · 21/11/2009 00:22

and i can see all other sides of the situation,

but...

the thought that anyone in the room had known him on an intimate level doesnt sit right with me,

not while we said our vows,

its only one day afterall...

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 21/11/2009 00:57

fark me, she's entitled to ask that isn't she?

presumably neither the husband-to-be nor the friend will be devastated is she isn't there, but if she is it will spoil the day for the OP.

it's not as if she interferes with their friendship aside from this one issue.

No exes at the wedding is a fair request (if it doesn't discount half the guest list).

not being Bridezilla AT ALL OP.

hanaboo · 21/11/2009 01:08

agree with mrsboogie, don't know why people are being hard on you really, if its a problem with one half of the bridal party then its a no. if no one has a prob with it then its fine, there is no right or wrong thing its about how you feel and it obviously makes
you uncomfortable

lowrib · 21/11/2009 01:14

No exes at the wedding? That wouldn't work for me (if we were to get married, that is) - my best mate is one of my DP's exes.

And no one that you've slept with? I don't even know all the people my DP has slept with, I've never asked - and I've certainly never listed mine. I assume he's slept with quite a few of his female mates over the years before we met, but I don't need a list.

Why have you got a problem with someone you slept with seeing you get married?

Assuming it's a happy couple, the rule for a wedding I think is simply that the guests should be supportive of the couple being together. If not they have no business being there.
And as long as there is no unfinished business, whether they've slept with one (or both) of the couple is irrelevant IMO.

sb6699 · 21/11/2009 01:19

Since I'm feeling guilty about upsetting someone else tonight, I do think the OP seems to be getting a hard time.

A guest list should be made jointly and when it comes to ex's both parties need to be comfortable with them being there. If one isnt then its a no go.

BicycleRider · 21/11/2009 01:32

This situation is very familiar... DH is very good friends with someone who is getting married in a few months. Her DF is outrageously jealous of the fact that she and DH slept together a few times about 18 years ago. 3 months dating, 18 years of friendship, what on earth is there to be jealous of?

I think it's ridiculous that we might not be invited to the wedding on because of this--DH's friend has become my friend too and I'd love to see her get married (if she wasn't marrying such a tosser).

So, to the OP, YABU. And immature and controlling to boot.

SolidGoldBangers · 21/11/2009 01:57

I was a witness at an XP's wedding once. The other witness was the bride's XP. Lovely, small scale, intimate wedding (just the couple, their parents, the witnesses and three or four other mates).
The couple are still happily married nearly 20 years later, I am still happily single - don't know what became of the bride's XP but presume he is happily whatever somewhere as well.

So OP you are being a bit of a bridezilla. He's had sex with people before he met you. Get over it. Or find yourself a virgin to marry and bear in mind that virgins are lousy in bed on the whole.

Tambajam · 21/11/2009 06:50

I think in this day and age it would be very rare for the bride and groom to not have ANY guest who they once slept with.
If you have male and female friendship groups then it's fairly common to have had a relationship with someone who is now just a friend and there is absolutely no bad feeling at all.
I can see why someone might feel odd about an ex-husband or ex-wife.

I think if you feel so strongly about this that you feel it might 'ruin a perfect day' then you have every right to be honest about that.
However if you've soon-to-be husband would like a friend there and you are unable to appreciate why you may need to accept that your vision has to be compromised. After all it's not really about a 'perfect day' which is never achieveable but about a lovely/ fun/ important day as the start to a marriage.
The symbol of you being prepared to see his point of view is special.

MaryBS · 21/11/2009 07:11

If you aren't comfortable with her being there, then she shouldn't be there. Don't think you are being at all unreasonable.

LouIsAWeetbixKid · 21/11/2009 07:20

Depends on how ex you are. I have been invited to all my ex's weddings (they marry the next girl after me - I have a gift )
I don't go as I think it is unfair for the bride to have the exgf at the wedding. If I was a few ex's ago then maybe but as the current ex then no. Did that make sense???

moopymoo · 21/11/2009 07:29

Personally I was more than happy to have one of dh ex girlfriends at our wedding as I was looking completely fab and he was saying his vows to me. She had a face like thunder all day. But I am a complete child and would never admit these sort of petulant feelings in the real world! (but they might be something to consider op..) He had no unfinished business with her although she did with him. We also had an ex of mine there- plus his wife and baby son. That was just lovely as the 4 of us are friends.

jools37 · 21/11/2009 08:44

OP, I think you obviously do have issues with this ex, or you wouldn't be concerned about her being at the wedding. You need to address this with your df so he can set your mind to rest.

However, on your wedding day you shouldn't have to worry about things like that, so if you really feel strongly that you don't want her there, however irrational those wishes are, I would hope your df would love you enough to respect that.

When we got married, DH wanted to invite one of his friends who always started fights when he had a drink. As we were having a free bar all day, I knew it was inevitable that he would get pissed and aggressive and I told DH that I didn't want him to come. I would have spent the whole day worrying if he was going to punch my boss or something. DH respected my wishes and he didn't come.

veryconfusedandupset · 21/11/2009 08:47

I have a friends who has been happily married for nearl 30 years, 4 children. She had a big posh wedding and there was hardly a male there, outside family members who hadn't shagged the bride ( best man had lived with her for 5 years) whyever not?

shelleylou · 21/11/2009 09:05

One of my ex'x got married a couple of months ago. Very small wedding, immediate family, myself and brides best friend. Birde didnt have a problem with me being there and she knew

loupiots · 21/11/2009 09:47

Well, it's his wedding, too. Presumably, he wants to invite her because he would like her to be there to share his moment.

It's quite mean to veto his friends, but if it is going to really cause you grief, then maybe you could just invite her to the reception? (If it is the thought of her witnessing your vows that is causing you problems).

I had a similar situation with an ex of mine, whose GF went ballistic at the thought of me being there. It made me quite sad, because he was a really good friend and I was very happy for him, and would have loved to see him get married, but bridezilla won out. Plus she gave me much more importance in his life than I warranted, but hey ho, her decision.

neolara · 21/11/2009 09:57

My brother went to the wedding of an ex-girlfriend and he was seated at the "ex-boyfriend table" - there were about 5 of them.