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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found DH's stash - not impressed. Any Advice?

50 replies

nursenight · 20/11/2009 14:09

Hi, this is my first time on here. I dont want to waffle..Cutting a long story short, my DH had 'in the past' an addiction to weed/skunk. When we had our daughter three years ago he gave it up. i was relieved as i didnt like the effect it had on him and on our family life. ( i also have another child a teenager who lives with us). He would regularly lie to me about his use of it and this was also something i hated, as i would rather have the truth even if it is not a nice truth! Yesterday while cleaning i found a box with an empty packet of a 'legal' high drug. I didnt know what it was so i googled it and found it is soon to be banned in the uk, as it is in other countries, and basically can have very bad effects and be very addictive. Now i have found it, i feel like a few things have fallen into place, he has been very moody, irritable, not wanting to do anything with us and also keeps telling me to go out more (i think he is doing it when im not there) Im so annoyed but i dont know how to broach it, he is going to get very defensive, probably say im over reacting etc or he will lie about it. I dont want this in my kids life, or mine. or am i overreacting?? thanks

OP posts:

Iklboo · 20/11/2009 14:11

Which drug is it?

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/11/2009 14:13

You're not over-reacting at all -but then I'm very biased.

PrincessToadstool · 20/11/2009 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

nursenight · 20/11/2009 14:14

spice gold

OP posts:

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/11/2009 14:15

I'm presuming it's this one?

Original poster

nursenight · 20/11/2009 14:15

yes it is the lying that gets me, the blatant lies he used to tell me when off to get his stash still make me mad! and now he is doing this in secret

OP posts:

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/11/2009 14:15

ahh sorry x posts.

3littlefrogs · 20/11/2009 14:17

No, I don't think you are over reacting. It is affecting his mood and behaviour, and his relationship with you and his daughter.

Trust your instinct. Of course he will deny it, but what you say makes sense. It is a very very hard road to be on with a partner who has a drug problem. And a very long one.

I know what I would do, but I have had experience of this in my childhood. You need to think carefully about what you want for yourself and your child, and whether you think he will acknowledge this and deal with it.

ladylush · 20/11/2009 14:18

I'd be concerned too. GBL is also legal but very dangerous - a lot of press recently. Think you need to have it out with dh and maybe show him some articles about the dangers of the drug.

toomanystuffedbears · 20/11/2009 14:19

No, I don't think you are over-reacting.
I don't really have much advice as I have not been in this situation.

It is not a good situation though. If I found "stuff", I'd throw it away.

You need to make it clear that it isn't acceptable especially since a teenager is in residence, thus at risk for using if a parent figure is using.

It might escalate into an ultimatum on the relationship though, so I'd maybe give an option if he is going to continue, to never do it/have it in the home.

My advice might be off base so hopefully some others with working knowledge of your circumstances will be along soon.

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/11/2009 14:22

My DH recently became very ill due to the illegal drugs, skunk and the odd bit of this that and the other, but the skunk was the main trigger from what we've been learning since.

He very nearly killed me during a pyschotic epsiode brought on by the drugs.

He's back home with me now, but he's under no illusions that were he to take any drugs again he would be OUT.

ladylush · 20/11/2009 14:27

quick hijack - always how are things?

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/11/2009 14:29

we had a major "down" at the start of the week, but it's sorted out now and things are much better. We're back on an "even" keel now - I'm now allowed out without the children for "short periods" (basically no day trips off to London etc or staying away overnight - but anything else is fine as long as he can contact me and I can get back reasonably quickly).

He's at his ESA medical at the moment .

ladylush · 20/11/2009 14:31

Hope things get better for you all. ESA medical - pile of shite imo. Has he got a CPN who can write a letter for him?

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/11/2009 14:33

yes he's got a CPN as part of his team. Got all the relevant "paperwork" - poor sod has just had to sit through a meeting where I guess they'll make him feel like sh*t and ask why he can't work as he looks fine

ladylush · 20/11/2009 14:40

It depends - ime they are often better if the individual has regular contact with a MH professional.

Original poster

nursenight · 20/11/2009 14:41

Thank you very much for the replies, i was really shocked to find it in my kitchen! and i still dont know how i am going to bring the subject up...might send him an email so he will get prior warning before he gets home for the weekend. i feel like telling him to grow up (he is 43!). whatever he says to me now i think i wont believe him, if he says it was only the once etc. i just wont believe him.. and then i think so how can i move on from that? thanks for the replies again

OP posts:

ladylush · 20/11/2009 14:41

Apologies to OP Always, will see you over on the MH bit at some point

alwayslookingforanswers · 20/11/2009 14:43

I personally wouldn't give him prior warning.

What I would do is to have the "evidence" out in full view when he gets home. Say nothing to start with and just show it to him......and wait for his response.

(sorry for hi-jack btw) - Lady - he's seeing the N-Step team every week at the moment so fingers crossed they don't grill him too hard.

Original poster

nursenight · 20/11/2009 14:55

thanks, always, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate , i hope it all goes well for you.
to be honest i know nothing about drugs at all, i like a glass of wine at the weekend thats all. i didnt know when we met that he had this addiction , he hid it well. (thats where the lying came in) but eventually it all came out obviously and then he quit - now im doubting he ever quit at all. i think you may be right - i may as well come out with it, i just dont want the argument thats going to follow! and i dont want the kids to hear obviously. thanks .

OP posts:

clumsymum · 20/11/2009 15:10

I would remove the stuff from it's hiding place.

Then say nothing until your little one is in bed, and your teenager is occupied elsewhere .

Then ask him for a QUIET reasonable chat. Make it clear at the start that you want to talk about something important, but you want to talk calmly. Get his agreement to that.

THEN tell him what you found.

If he rants about it, sit quietly until the ranting subsides. If you yell back, it will all just escalate. If he storms off, let him (I'd then lock the door, in case he came back drunk/high or angry, and refuse to unlock it until he is calm).

Are yo prepared to compromise on this? If not (I wouldn't be) make it clear that you cannot tolerate this, or any other drug use. But be prepared for this to be the beginning of the end of your relationship.

My father had severe alcohol problems, and he was a violent drunk. He needed alcohol more than he needed me. I didn't see him for the last few months of his life, he died just 10 days after my son was born (his only grandchild). Breaking contact with him broke my heart, but saved my sanity.

Good luck.

Original poster

nursenight · 20/11/2009 15:46

thank you clumsymum - very nice of you to reply, i agree i cant compromise on this, its not something i can live with. oh well, will just have to see how it goes tonight.

OP posts:

ladylush · 21/11/2009 10:59

how did it go nursenight?

Original poster

nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:40

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:

Original poster

nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:41

OP posts:

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