Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found DH's stash - not impressed. Any Advice?

50 replies

nursenight · 20/11/2009 14:09

Hi, this is my first time on here. I dont want to waffle..Cutting a long story short, my DH had 'in the past' an addiction to weed/skunk. When we had our daughter three years ago he gave it up. i was relieved as i didnt like the effect it had on him and on our family life. ( i also have another child a teenager who lives with us). He would regularly lie to me about his use of it and this was also something i hated, as i would rather have the truth even if it is not a nice truth! Yesterday while cleaning i found a box with an empty packet of a 'legal' high drug. I didnt know what it was so i googled it and found it is soon to be banned in the uk, as it is in other countries, and basically can have very bad effects and be very addictive. Now i have found it, i feel like a few things have fallen into place, he has been very moody, irritable, not wanting to do anything with us and also keeps telling me to go out more (i think he is doing it when im not there) Im so annoyed but i dont know how to broach it, he is going to get very defensive, probably say im over reacting etc or he will lie about it. I dont want this in my kids life, or mine. or am i overreacting?? thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:41

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:41

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:41

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:41

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:41

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:43

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:43

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:43

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:43

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:43

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:43

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 22/11/2009 16:44

Hi not had the courage to say anything to him yet. Been avoiding him all weekend. I took kids out today left him at home. I checked his hiding place when i got in and he has moved it, so obv the first thing he does when i go out! Also there were some pills in his suit look like viagra to me, i cant believe what is happening here tbh. Why does he need this stuff? He has gone out now so i know when he gets in i have to say something. I feel sick.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/11/2009 17:23

Its your choice re him ultimately - your children have no choice at all in this matter.

You must talk to him but be prepared for a bad reaction. He will likely deny everything, say you are overreacting and or deny he has a substance abuse problem.

Original poster
nursenight · 23/11/2009 10:49

I told dh what i found, he looked mortified as i thought he would, he said it was a one off, for curiositys sake, but when i said i didnt believe him he admitted he has being using this stuff for a few times when feeling stressed at work or home. I told him he must get help, he said he is ashamed but it was a lapse and he does not have a problem. I offered my opinion which is that he does need help. He said it wont happen again. I just need to think now what to do next. I believe him that he is ashamed and sorry, im not sure that it can be put down to a lapse tho?

OP posts:
clumsymum · 23/11/2009 11:02

Ah now, I wouldn't have put the stuff back if I had found it.

Of course he says he doesn't need help. Addicts usually do, cos they know it'll cut off their access to their drug.

My response would be "either we go to the Dr TOGETHER and get you some help sorted, or YOU go out of that door."

I'd be worried about the viagra. If he's not using it with you (and I guess you would know, tho I've no experience), then you need to think about who he is using it with.

ladylush · 23/11/2009 11:05

I'm glad he didn't get angry but it does seem as if he is in denial. The fact that he is using this stuff to deal with stress is more worrying imo. I agree with you - I think he needs help.

Original poster
nursenight · 24/11/2009 08:52

Hi thanks for replies. Clumsy i didnt make it clear sorry, i only put empty box back. I spoke to him again and from what he said i told him i think he needs help for stress or possibly depression. He is one of those men that thinks if i ignore it it will go away. It concerns me that he has been using this stuff at work to get thru the day. How do you make a dh get counselling if he doesnt want it? Or am i better giving up on us all together?

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 24/11/2009 08:52

Hi thanks for replies. Clumsy i didnt make it clear sorry, i only put empty box back. I spoke to him again and from what he said i told him i think he needs help for stress or possibly depression. He is one of those men that thinks if i ignore it it will go away. It concerns me that he has been using this stuff at work to get thru the day. How do you make a dh get counselling if he doesnt want it? Or am i better giving up on us all together?

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 24/11/2009 08:52

Hi thanks for replies. Clumsy i didnt make it clear sorry, i only put empty box back. I spoke to him again and from what he said i told him i think he needs help for stress or possibly depression. He is one of those men that thinks if i ignore it it will go away. It concerns me that he has been using this stuff at work to get thru the day. How do you make a dh get counselling if he doesnt want it? Or am i better giving up on us all together?

OP posts:
ladylush · 24/11/2009 09:26

That's a tough one - do you feel you should give him an ultimatum? I suppose it depends on whether you can cope with his ongoing use and the implications for you and your family.

clumsymum · 24/11/2009 09:59

"How do you make a dh get counselling if he doesnt want it?"

Well, I guess you can't. Which is why you have to issue the ultimatum , "It's me or the drugs".

"Or am i better giving up on us all together?"
If he chooses the drugs, then it isn't you giving up, it's him.

They do say that a lot of people have to hit rock-bottom before they will accept they need help. He may need to be sent away from you, to realise what he stands to lose, before he will get help.

You need to decide whether you can put up with this. If you can't, then, you HAVE to be consistent. If you tell him to either get help or go, then you have to MAKE HIM GO. Although I know it's very hard, with someone you love.

clumsymum · 24/11/2009 10:01

meant to add, If he decides to get help, you also need to put in 110% commitment to support the VERY hard efforts he would have to make (and be prepared to accept that it might not work first time).

Original poster
nursenight · 24/11/2009 21:12

Final thoughts from me, dh out tonight, this find has opened a huge can of worms for me. It has woken me up to a lot of facts in our relationship. We dont have a sex life to talk of, we dont have fun together, we dont do anything together bar shopping and tv, we dont talk. So from here im taking it slow and im going to change things, not sure in what direction but i will do it and i will put my kids and myself first. Many thanks for v helpful pointers.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 24/11/2009 21:12

Final thoughts from me, dh out tonight, this find has opened a huge can of worms for me. It has woken me up to a lot of facts in our relationship. We dont have a sex life to talk of, we dont have fun together, we dont do anything together bar shopping and tv, we dont talk. So from here im taking it slow and im going to change things, not sure in what direction but i will do it and i will put my kids and myself first. Many thanks for v helpful pointers.

OP posts:
Original poster
nursenight · 24/11/2009 21:12

Final thoughts from me, dh out tonight, this find has opened a huge can of worms for me. It has woken me up to a lot of facts in our relationship. We dont have a sex life to talk of, we dont have fun together, we dont do anything together bar shopping and tv, we dont talk. So from here im taking it slow and im going to change things, not sure in what direction but i will do it and i will put my kids and myself first. Many thanks for v helpful pointers.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page