What to do about angry, stressed DP? (sorry if bit long)

[hanabanana]

wanted to name change but MN not accepting new registrations today for some reason - don't out me if you know who I am.

I need tactics to cope with DPs anger. He is basically a wonderful person but always had an angry side - massive temper moments/blazing rows (shouting, hitting walls, throwing stuff around, storming out, slamming doors etc) always been present in him. It's much worse now we basically exist in a pressure cooker - have own business together in office which is part of our house, 2 DCs under 2, rural area with friends basically in London, etc. Work stresses him out a lot, he feels under masses of pressure at the moment and often says he wishes he wasn't doing what he does, but stopping isn't an option for the next year or 2 for various reasons.

He once said he would go to anger management sessions but went back on it after a huge row and now refuses to even consider it again. He says he doesn't really have a problem but the rest of the world is basically all to blame. He flies into a rage at the slightest thing and I'm not the kind of person to let him get away with being unreasonable, particularly when he gets angry at innocent others (usually unwitting mistakes by work people being a bit useless) and I just end up lecturing him which he obviously hates and then gets even angrier. But if DD1 is rude or has a tantrum, we don't let her get away with it, we try to explain why she shouldn't do that, so why is it OK for him?

I do believe that people can try to rationalise and control themselves and if they can't they should seek help, but he doesn't see it that way at all. But it makes me so miserable as it ruins what should be a really happy relationship.

I've always believed in talking things through to resolve them but he never wants to talk, when angry he just wants to be 'left alone' and somehow magically they are meant to clear up by themselves which I find infuriating as I really don't get over things unless I feel there's a genuine attempt to see where things went wrong.

I need a better way to deal with this - ideas please??

Feeling for you both and do hope that you can find a way forward.

This might be wide of the mark but you might find some really basic communication "training" like "the Marriage Course" makes a world of difference. If you got to the point of deciding there was room for improvement that would be a place to start without getting personal with a particular therapist, and a lot cheaper!

hana. I have hesitated to post before now, because it's hard for me to put what I want to say clearly.

I am close to someone whose DH suffers from depression. The first symptoms of it were irritablility, perfectionism, anxiety, and hypochondriasis. I think that it is often the case that men present with different symptoms to women. Anger in particular.

I think it's also the case that your DHs personality traits might predispose him to becoming depressed in the first place.

But here's the hard part. No matter what the cause, he was (and does, despite having been treated over many years) treat her and talk to her in ways that I would find intolerable - a bit like a child who cannot contain their emotions and acts out toward the closest person to them. And this is someone who acknowledges he has a problem.

Your DH has to be confronted with the fact that the way he talks to you and deals with his stress is not fair on you.

I know some posters will argue that depression is no excuse for this, or even have a problem accepting that this behaviour is caused by depression. I would agree it is no excuse, but it could be a reason. But he would need to see that and work to change his lifestyle and his reactions to stressors. Maybe it would be a good idea to have a look at a website about depression to see whether what I have said is relevant, and if so, how to raise it with him.

Good luck