Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh is a groper and i HATE it .

74 replies

drlove8 · 18/11/2009 20:42

He gropes me at every chance he gets ....it doesnt matter if im cleaning the loo or trying to make the tea... it as if my body is just for his amusement...
He doesnt care if the kids are in the room... ive asked him to stop doing it ...he sulks, then leaves me alone for a bit, then sulks a bit more, then starts again...
Im so sick of it,i feel dirty!!.He has actually put me off having sex with him at all... most nights i sleep on the sofa now.
Im just so fed up with the lack of respect i get from him that im concidering leaving.
apart from that he is a reasonably good person, a dad who enjoys having a family. and a hardworker.How can i get him to see im not just a piece of meat? i was going to name change but have decided against it , incase Dh finds this.

OP posts:
Original poster
drlove8 · 18/11/2009 21:17

mac are you dh `s ex- wife?.....

OP posts:
macdoodle · 18/11/2009 21:20

drlove nope doubt it - you said he is a "reasonably good person" - thats def not my XH!!

Monty100 · 18/11/2009 21:21

Crush his nuts the next time and like Mr Misdee he might get the message.

Original poster
drlove8 · 18/11/2009 21:22

its so depressing asking him to stop , and him ignoring all my requests.
i dont undertand what he enjoys about making me feel disgusted by him.
its very different from when we have made love....hes different then.... but i have also found he has desensitised me a lot by his unwanted groping, so has also ruiend sex for me too. its taken the "specialness" away.
id rather have a cup of tea and watch corrie now!

OP posts:
misdee · 18/11/2009 21:22

i have also grabbed him back, quite hard as well.

Original poster
drlove8 · 18/11/2009 21:25

he groped me once when i was holding a very large soup pot.... it took all i had not to whack him with it ...tbh.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 18/11/2009 21:27

So why does he say he does it?

Original poster
drlove8 · 18/11/2009 21:29

he`s never said why he does it. i dont think he recognises that its wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
drlove8 · 18/11/2009 21:36

well he disapeared after he had his tea and hasnt came back so ive had a couple hours peace.... hes in either of two places his mums or the pub. wonder if i should send him a text , perhaps it would get in that head of his then?

OP posts:
themerrywidow · 18/11/2009 21:40

Children should not be subjected to this type of behaviour. They are witnessing domestic abuse and sexual abuse. He must stop.

choosyfloosy · 18/11/2009 21:44

No no no no no don't text him!!!!!!

IMO texts should not go beyond 'Am on 5 o'clock train'. TBH trying to do emotional stuff by text is pointless IMO, the number of posts on here from people in the middle of hideous text rows and misunderstandings that would never have happened if they'd just spoken face to face!

Enjoy a relaxed evening by yourself.

Original poster
drlove8 · 18/11/2009 21:49

so what do i do then?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 18/11/2009 21:52

Leave ??
Honestly it was only after I finally split up with my XH, that I realised a lot of his behaviour was just a symptom of his deeper underlying disrespect and abusive nature!

choosyfloosy · 18/11/2009 21:53

Well, maybe write a letter? base it on this -

"its so depressing asking him to stop , and him ignoring all my requests.
i dont undertand what he enjoys about making me feel disgusted by him.
its very different from when we have made love....hes different then.... but i have also found he has desensitised me a lot by his unwanted groping, so has also ruiend sex for me too. its taken the "specialness" away."

I found that really moving

Don't decide to give it to him just yet, but pour it all out on paper? Then have a think.

NufinkOnTheTellyAgain · 18/11/2009 21:54

maybe telling him to move out might make him actually hear what you are trying to tell him?

AnyFucker · 18/11/2009 22:05

don't text him, fgs

my plan would be

get the kids babysat

take him out somewhere

tell him what you have said in this thread

then...zero tolerance

if his hand comes near you at an inappropriate time, firmly remove it and say in a very loud voice "no, we don't do that, do we"

ignore any sulking and breeze along as normal

it works for toddlers, it should work with this overgrown one

tell him this will be your approach for X amount of time, say a month

make it clear, if things do not improve permanently, you will be taking steps to end your relationship

none of this must be done by text, FaceBook, email or any other daft electronic paraphernalia

good luck

treepose · 18/11/2009 22:21

OMG, my husband is the same. And if I say I don't like it then he starts whining and sulking and grumbling that I have gone off sex and he becomes impossible to live with until I relieve him somehow. It's not a good situation, I will be reading the answers with interest.

AnyFucker · 18/11/2009 22:23

relieve him ?

fucking hell

LeQueen · 18/11/2009 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SqueezyIsBackToBlack · 18/11/2009 23:37

What AF said. Zero tolerance. There's having fun and a laugh and then there's being fucking irritating. Perhaps if he knows he is killing your love for him, he might cool the beans?

He sounds like a teenager.

SqueezyIsBackToBlack · 18/11/2009 23:40

Oh and I saw this programme ages ago where a couple were being 'taught' how to get their intimate lives back on track. Part of the problem was the man groping the woman at every given moment like you say.

They videoed him doing it (whilst she was putting washing in the machine, trying to put on the kettle etc, etc), showed the him the video and he was mortified enough with himself not to do it again.

Wish I could remember the programme, it was on Channel 4.

AnnieLobeseder · 18/11/2009 23:55

My DH is like this too, but not annoying to the point where I want to leave him or sleep on the sofa.

But it is really annoying. And when I tell him I don't like it he says it's just cos I'm sexy and I don't want him and blah blah blah... I guess he thinks it's a kind of foreplay but it just puts me off sex to be groped at all the time.

choosyfloosy · 18/11/2009 23:58

Squeezy, I think I remember that series - was it the one with a therapist and a divorce lawyer both watching the tapes? It was quite 'out there' for reality TV and seemed a bit less controlled than some (probably an illusion). I thought it was amazing. It was also what I really longed for in my first marriage, i.e. an observer to tell me if it was really normal for it to be like this!! i guess though in the end you usually have to workthat out for yourself. what i do remember though, is the number of times the divorce lawyer said 'CHUCK THE WASTER OUT' and the therapist said 'Have you tried this' and by the end, things were loads better if they stuck at it. Reminds me of MN sometimes.

stephie101 · 19/11/2009 08:23

What a knobhead!!!!! Sorry just reading this thread makes me wanna whack him with the frying pan(have you tried that?!!), I don't get it, fine it's ok for affection but at every opportunity for him to make you feel like this is total wank....

I don't know what to suggest tbh...I know he's you DH and that you love him, but he sounds like a complete perv...

try the frying pan option,if not turn the tables, grab and twist as hard as you can....

perfectstorm · 19/11/2009 08:36

"the fact that he thinks its ok to shove his hand down my top or worse infront of the kids makes my skin crawl."

That is DISGUSTING. Seriously. And his lack of respect for your rights over your own body genuinely worries me. You are not his sexual property.

You do know what he is doing is a crime? It's sexual assault. You've said it is unwelcome, and men do not any longer have immunity just because they are married to the victim. If you tell him another episode will immediately result in your calling the police - and you do it if and when it happens - it might concentrate his mind wonderfully. NOBODY should be regularly sexually assaulted let alone in their own home, and as you do not consent and it repulses you and he knows it that is exactly what this is.