DH thinks my (female) friends are poisoning our relationship...

[jamaisjedors]

Or words to that effect.

I have felt him being a bit "off" about me seeing a certain group of female friends, and one friend in particular for a while now.

We finally had it out a couple of weeks ago, he feels they are making me unsatisfied with our relationship and insidiously under-cutting us iyswim.

I feel our relationship has been in quite a lot of trouble since DS2 was born over 2 years ago (and yes I did meet these friends around the same time too).

I also think he feels threatened and a bit jealous by the "all-female" gatherings and thinks we are talking and comparing DHs all the time.

I don't want to give up my friends, but it is also making things uncomfortable at home.

Anyone got any advice? wwyd?

How do you feel about his intrests, social life, friends?

could he be jealous?

Relationship trouble in what way?

Why does he think you are comparing DHs? Are you?

He doesn't really do "boys' nights out" as such, he is very involved in charity work, and goes to a lot of things to do with that.

I encourage it (so I can go out too - I feel less guilty about it then!) but he is more of a stay-at-homer in general.

DS2 was/is a nightmare sleeper with bad reflux and I felt abandoned by DH who slept in the spare room for several months to escape the screaming so that one of us could function and look after DS1.

We both work full-time and I think that plus 2 under-fives have lead to a lot of stress and arguments.

He knows I do discuss some stuff about our relationship with our friends.

I feel I need to and it's normal but he feels threatened by that I think.

He thinks one particular friend who is in a similar situation is making comments which undermine him - I don't think she is.

Actually, you're a grown up. And as a grown up, you're allowed to choose your friends, and you're allowed to choose when and where you see them.

Perhaps you should explain to him clearly that your problems with him are to do with HIM, not your friends.

Hmm i go out and compare dh with all there dps this is female nature i think? Plus sometimes things need talking about with some one other than dh to get another view.

What kind of comments is she making? How does your dh know what is being talked about when you are out, do you tell him every last detail?

From what you have said i think he may be jealous of your friendships.

I have tried, we had a discussion until 4am a couple of weekends ago.

He now says that it's not that he has a problem with me seeing them, he just wants me to be aware that people might be trying to influence me.

Which I don't think they are. They have actually encourage me to work things out with him whatever it takes.

But now I feel uncomfortable seeing them and I hate the situation.

RB - for example, DH have a long-running problem with organising holidays.

He passive-agressively refuses to plan them in advance, and I live for planning them in minute detail 6 months ahead.

In May last year when he was refusing to commit to a holiday, my friends knew about it.

One of them came for lunch and brought the topic up "so have you decided where you're going yet?"

DH saw this as provocative and thought she was trying to cause trouble between us.

He doesn't like your friend because she is there for YOU. She will do what it takes to make YOU happy.

And unless he is also trying to make you happy, rather than himself, he's not going to like her.

yes, I saw it like that too Colditz, I said she brought it up because she knew it was an issue and wanted to give him a nudge to sort it out.

She had seen me in tears about it.

I think some people would see this as interfering, but I have to say I think I would have done the same if I had seen a friend cut up by something.

I agree wholeheartedly with colditz, he's only feeling threatened because he doesn't have total control anymore.

I would be very careful about trying to modify your behaviour to please him because it's never quite enough, If you stop seeing them then there will probably be something else in the not too distant future that he gets upset about.

We have been thinking about counselling for a while now but I thought we had things sorted a bit again.

I don't think we are communicating well if we have to do it through other people.

It is quite hard to organise counselling over here and also as we both work full-time it would take away from our time with the kids even more.

Things don't feel that bad sometimes, but then maybe it's better to sort it out before it gets worse.

DH has said he would come, but has also said he is happy with our relationship and doesn't think there is a problem (apart from my friends "creating" a problem).

Actually writing this it all sounds worse

I am worried about that too mrspnut.

I would hate to be "that sort" of woman but I do feel like things go well between us when it's all on his terms.

But when I kick back, things are more difficult. Where do you draw the line in the interests of marital harmony?

We are not talking abuse or even huge upset here, I'm not being banned from seeing my friends (but it feels difficult).

To be fair, since our discussion he has made a big effort to change things I was unhappy about (not doing anything as a family for example).

I think I need to go to bed now, thanks for talking to me, I will pop back tomorrow if anyone has any more thoughts about how to deal with this.

Thanks

Hmmm, well I would see discussing relationship problems with someone else as rather disloyal to my DP. I should be discussing problems with him, not an outsider who can't possibly know the true nature of our relationship.

oh oh really sorry to point this out to you op but this kind of insidious undermining my friendships was the first of a looooong list of the emotional and verbal abuse I suffered while married to my ex.
If this doesn't sound like that well fair enough but as has been said above. You are an adult able to have your own friends and he is being controlling.

Sorry to say, but this really reminds me of my XP.

He managed to brainwash convince me that my friends were trying to break us up. But it started exactly how you have described.

It's called manipulation.

I didn't have any friends for 4 years because if this, until finally I left. My life had with him revolved around him and his family only. All my friends welcomed me back with loving arms as they were true friends and real relationships. Not one manipulating the other.

You need to nip this in the bud before it could possibly spell the end.

If he manages to get you to stop seeing these friends, what next?

TBH OP I think it is very common for men to feel uncomfortable about what they feel is a lack of privacy in their relationship - especially as the number of active friends a woman has so frequently explodes when a baby comes along - how else do we survive the baby/toddler years? I think women often see their friends as an essential safety valve (I know I do), but it's worth considering from your dh's point of view. It sounds as if you are both trying to compromise. He's not wrong IMO to feel a bit under attack. What is passive-aggressive about wanting spontaneous holidays? Maybe he just thinks that if you like booking them, it would be cruel to take that away from you??

"I would hate to be "that sort" of woman but I do feel like things go well between us when it's all on his terms.

But when I kick back, things are more difficult. Where do you draw the line in the interests of marital harmony?"

This is actually a form of abuse, using tactics like this to get his own way shows that he thinks that what he wants is more important than what you want and that he thinks that he is the one that should be in control.

Perhaps go to counselling just for yourself, let it be a sounding board for the whole situation and you may gain some perspective on it.

I had this with my sister recently. She is recently single after leaving her cheating husband and we have always been very close.

But she lives a long distance away and phoned for hours and hours every day.

DH was fine with this, even though it meant that I frequently spoke more with her than with him. Then when she started dating again, he was less happy about the long calls as he said that he had noticed that I ws becoming more dissatisfied with him and the thing is he was right!

I now speak to her regularly but keep the calls much shorter and tbh I'm glad as it has definitely helped our relationship-and no DH is not controlling or abusive!!

Would you be happy if your DH was discussing you at length with a group of friends regularly?

Have only skimmed as running late, but surely if you think your partner/husband/wife is unsatisfied with your relationship, you offer to talk about it and fix it, not shove a sock in her mouth effectively?

He has no reasonable grounds for this behaviour. Either he wants a good and happy relationship with you or he doesn't, and if he does he needs to acknowledge that your friend's comments are possibly helping you work out why you're not happy.

If you were happy he wouldn't feel threatened by your friend's comments anyway because you would both know you had a strong relationship.

He just doesn't seem to want to acknowledge there might be a problem does he.

think people are a bit quick off the mark with the abuse alagations tbh. A husband is allowed to have issue with something their partner does without it being abuse, there are enough posts from women on here that have problems with their dh's friends and no-one seems to have issue with that, quite the opposite in fact.

Op - put yourself in your dh's position, imagine if one of his friends came round and pulled you up about something your dh was unhappy with in your relationship, would you think that was ok? I def wouldn't - in fact I would be somewhat pissed off that my dh was complaining about me to his friends rather than discussing it with me.

Personally I hate this mutual slagging off of husbands that some women seem to compete in. If you have problems in your marriage then you should be discussing them with your dh, not your friends, and especially if your friends are then going to come round your house and start giving your dh a hard time about it. Yes I do think that is undermining of your dh's feelings.

I don't think your dh has said you can't see these friends has he? Just that he feels that whenever you do he is being discussed, and he doesn't like that, and tbh I can see why.

Perhaps you could try to be more open with your dh (you did say that since you've had a discussion he has tried to change some things, so obviously communicating is working) and reassure him that you're not slagging him off to your friends? Maybe he'll be a bit more comfortable with it then.

well said wannabe! you made your point m uch more eloquently than me!

Lots of food for thought.

I knew most people would say that I have every right to see my friends etc. and of course I have.

But it is also true that I am discussing him with my friends, usually because he refuses to acknowledge that there is an issue/problem.

With the holidays, for example, he just refuses to discuss plans (I have just managed to pin him down for Christmas with a lot of nagging).

Then it is too late to go anywhere or to make plans (which is why I call it passive-aggressive - he gets what he wants ie to stay at home).

I think I have relied more on these friends recently because they give me what DH can't - he refuses to go out with me and thinks we have no problems so won't discuss them.

I have seen it as a safety valve for myself but obviously it's not working for either of us!

Ok I agree the negative things turn to bitterness.

I also think they turn to bitterness when I say them 6 million times to DH and he refuses to address the issue or even acknowlege there is a problem.