DH thinks my (female) friends are poisoning our relationship...

[jamaisjedors]

Or words to that effect.

I have felt him being a bit "off" about me seeing a certain group of female friends, and one friend in particular for a while now.

We finally had it out a couple of weeks ago, he feels they are making me unsatisfied with our relationship and insidiously under-cutting us iyswim.

I feel our relationship has been in quite a lot of trouble since DS2 was born over 2 years ago (and yes I did meet these friends around the same time too).

I also think he feels threatened and a bit jealous by the "all-female" gatherings and thinks we are talking and comparing DHs all the time.

I don't want to give up my friends, but it is also making things uncomfortable at home.

Anyone got any advice? wwyd?

I have been trying to Rasputin.

A big issue is that he wants to stay at home all the time and I don't.

So I "solved" this by going out with friends instead.

But actually it hasn't solved anything.

RE: holidays, I was v. tempted this year to just book something but he has to come though (well I want him to!).

I didn't book what I initially planned because I didn't want him sulking at me all week for dragging him there.

And it's OUR money.

I would be furious if one of my DH's friends brought up an issue about our relationship in that way. I would definitely see it as interference and I would think my DH was being disloyal. Not everyone feels that way, but that is how it would appear to me. I'm very private and would HATE it.

I think he does have a point - it does sound as though your friends are influencing your relationship and you think thier viewpoint is more valid than his.

I would be looking at how to better address ways that you communicate in your relationship - counselling really can help with that.

You sound as though you blame him for everything for not being done as you want it to happen. You want to go on holiday, but you also know that he wants to stay at home. Equally valid desires, no?

I hate planning six months in advance, it makes me feel anxious and panicked. My DH loves it. We have to negotiate a way through it, but if he kept nagging at me to provide him with holiday dates, I would shut down so fast we'd never get anywhere.

Just another viewpoint.

Thank you Loupiots.

That is how exactly how DH feels about holidays.

I have been trying to see things from his point of view but I am starting to think we/I need some help with this to avoid it turning into an argument each time.

He is also v. private, yes, whereas I am used to having friends around and telling them most things.

"I said she brought it up because she knew it was an issue and wanted to give him a nudge to sort it out."

well then surely he's right to an extent. there was a private issue between you, which you had discussed with a friend (fair enough between the two of you) but then she came round to lunch and tried to interfere in a personal matter which was none o her business. i can see why he'd be put out by this specific example.
i can now see why he'd be uncomfortable with you discussing him with this friend if she thinks she then has a right to try and influence a private situation rather than just being a sounding board or someone to vent to.
how would you have felt if he'd gotten a friend round for lunch to back up his position in a personal matter or insinuate that you were in the wrong/nudge you in his way of thinking? i can see why someone would be pissed off as i'd imagine he felt put on the spot,ganged up on and blind sided.

You're right mq.

I know there is probably a bit of truth in what he says which is probably why I now feel uncomfortable about seeing her.

From the way I read it the OP has tried talking to him and he is dismissing what she is saying "[he]thinks we have no problems so won't discuss them"

Have you pointed out that you wouldnt need to discuss things with your friends if he would actually listen to you and discuss the problems.

With regards to holidays, I would be tempted to book the holiday and tell him that if he doesn't want to come you'll go without him. (which is probably why I'm single )

Am sorely tempted flf!

I did threaten to just go.

But then for the moment I do want to remain married to him and don't think it would help in any way!

are they actually problems though? Or is it just that you are totally different people and have totally different ways of thinking about/doing things?

I wouldn't consider him not wanting to commit to a holiday as being an actual problem in your relationship iyswim, more a difference in personality which you can both surely work around with a bit of compromise.

So instead of saying to him that you need him to commit to going to a certain place on holiday, perhaps suggest that you take charge of booking the holiday, and that all you ask of him is that he books the time off that you suggest for the holiday to actually occur. That way you don't feel frustrated that he won't discuss the holiday, and he doesn't feel that he's being pressured into thinking six months ahead when he's not comfortable doing so.

I don't know if it's a "problem" but it certainly causes arguments!

I already organise, plan and book all our holidays but last year he said he wanted to get more involved and not be presented with a "fait accompli".

I think we need to learn to sort things out before they become arguments.

I would bin him, myself. He's manipulative, selfish and sexist and unlikely to change. He wants the OP isolated and friendless and obedient.

I'd chop off my own arm before I'd give up my friends for anybody. And I reserve the right to talk about whatever I like with my friends, all day long.

If one of my DPs friends mentioned something to me that I'd been discussing privately with DP I'd rub my eyes, look at the calendar and assume it was a joke. My DP and his friends don't talk about their relationships - end of.

My DP has to think before he can name his best friend's children.

If men want to have an outlet for their anxieties and concerns then they can get one - not try to shut down their partner's.

If a friend of DH's mentioned something 'to give me a nudge' I would be furious! I would consider it extremely rude of what is to him, a stranger, talking like that to me. I am a very private person in RL and would never, ever, discuss DH with my friends in the way you do. I would be very hurt indeed if I thought DH had done so.

I agree that you have a problem re the going out/staying home situation. Could you agree that you will go out together once a fortnight/month and that you will also have time out with your friends on the other weeks? Maybe once you start doing things together again he will enjoy it. I know how easy it is to get out of the habit of being a couple and just being parents instead. It is a problem but can be resolved if you are both willing.

Your DH sounds more than a little bit controlling. He resents the friends because he doesn't want to think he's doing anything wrong. He doesn't want to accept that you might be annoyed with his patterns of behaviour even without the friends 'encouraging' you to be miserable and 'putting ideas into your head'. He doesn't want to acknowledge that he's making you unhappy.

Some men can't get their heads around the fact women talk to each other...

Sounds like the problem with your friends is the fact that your DH is insecure, not that your friends say anything particularly dreadful.

Agree with Solid.

I can see both sides. I know there are things about me that dh finds irritating- my laziness about the washing up for a start, or my tendency to put off doing essential admin until the last moment. I wouldn't think it very dreadful or disloyal if he did blow off steam to his friends about this. But if he managed to give them the idea that it was the appropriate thing them, the outsiders, to interfere, then I would be very

I don't think this means you have to give up either your friend or your dh: just have a good think about what might be a reasonable level of interference from friends and give clear signals if they overstep it; equally think about what is a reasonable level of control from your dh and give clear signals to him if he oversteps that

It's one thing for you to share your frustrations with your friends but I think your friend was out of order to mention it directly to your dh.

You have in an issue with your dh - though I don't think you've given enough information for anyone to jump to the conclusion that your dh is "manipulative, selfish and sexist" - and you need to work on resolving it with him. Among other things, it appears you haven't resolved your feeling of abandonment over him sleeping apart from you when your ds2 was tiny.

Yes MsHighwater that's absolutely true, I still resent this and especially the fact that he refuses to admit that it was wrong in any way.

This is the first time I've been on the end of the mn "bin him" consensus!

I'm not sure where the sexist accusations come from?

I think Cory is right that I need to rethink both relationships a bit...

the friends issue is a red herring- you're dis-satisfied with him generally and he knows it.

you both sound a bit in denial.