please help my husband left today - six months on

[Boilerwoman]

Some of you may remember the terrible, terrible time I went through earlier in the year and firstly I wanted to again thank you all so much for your support and patience. It meant (and still means) such a lot to me to know there were so many of you out there prepared to help me along.

So. Six months on.

DH remains at home. The DCs do not appear to have been particularly scarred by what happened, although DD4 and DS inevitably ask "is he coming back?" when told DH is at work, etc. He attended a course for his work last week and showed me the joining instructions to pre-empt me asking.

He says he has not contacted OW, and I believe him. I ask him if he thinks about her and he says days go by without him giving her a thought.

I've come to realise that there is never going to be a reason he can offer for what he did that I will accept. What possible reason can he have had other than those which he gave? I'm realising that his reasons were his and I cannot go back and undo what has been done, I can only go forward.

I still think daily about what has happened and I know now that everything changed for me on May 1st. I know that if he ever did this to me again that would be it, but I also feel glad that I did not make any major decisions about what to do when I was still in such shock. I also am starting to realise that I have (hopefully) been fairly brave and dignified throughout this, even though I am sure some of you would disagree given some of my early posts....

Hard as it is for DH and I with no outside help, we are trying to get out more together as a couple. We also go out more with DD4 and DS. DDs 2 and 3 prefer the company of their friends!

Sexually DH's problems with keeping an erection have disappeared. If anything our sex life has improved beyond measure, at least for him.

I had a smear test shortly after he came home. This came back CIN2 which was a great shock as I have never had anything other than normal smears before. I have been tested for various STIs etc, to my utter, utter shame. I have also had, without any warning, two quite severe bleeds out of the blue and I regularly bleed after sex now. My periods are getting increasingly unmanageable.

Two Fridays ago I saw my GP for the STI results. She said she was referring me to hospital under the "two-week rule". She offered no explanation and I naively thought it meant she had to write the referral letter within two weeks or something. To my horror the hospital rang the following Monday (ie last Monday)wanting me to attend the following day. I couldn't as DH was away on his course and I had no childcare and so I am now going to the hospital tomorrow at 1.30pm. I now know it's the rapid access clinic for suspected cancer.

There is part of me that thinks nothing can be worse that what has happened to me this year, nothing. There is another part that thinks if there is anything very wrong I can't cope. I can't take anything else, it's not fair. But I know I will cope if I have to, beacuse I have no choice.

Well done if you have got this far!

x

I remember you

Couldn't read and not post

I wish you all the luck in the world with your marriage and your medical appointment

I read your posts before and I am glad for you that things are better now.

Forgive me if I'm wrong but, I seem to remember you had no one in RL to confide in. If that is the case now I hope that at least you can talk to your DH. You do need to lean on someone (although Mumsnet will always be there for you), so make sure you get the support you need and deserve.

Thinking of you..

BW -
Was thinking about you only the other day.
Please do try and seek some outside help - as you say it cannot get worse.

Dont want to scare you but i too had CN3 and i am still bleeding and have never been the same since - been refered back twice and although i appear clear its still not right.

HE did this to you (even though you will not get the medical profession to admit this). It will probably have been made worse by the stress you have been under.
Cervical cancer is the second biggest killer of woman in the uk - and dont for one minute give your h any slack over this. If he cant handle your (and my rage) then is such low life. You say you cant cope - i am not surprised i felt just the same as you did.

Take care of yourself and dont surpress any of your feelings for his sake.

Feel so angry on your behalf but also know how scared you will be feeling now - and waiting for any results is just dreadful too.

Also do keep an eye on your dc - only recently i have learned more from mine that still make me question whether i did the right thing.

Sorry not a very cheerful post but if you want to email then please do.

Oh BW, it is good to hear from you.

I am so pleased that you and your DH are moving forward.

I really, really hope that all goes well with your tests.

As twenty has just said, you always have MNers if you need any support.

Happywoman, I am sorry for being naive, but how is her DH responsible for BW's test results?

Genuine question, I honestly do not understand.

BW, thank you for coming back to let us know how you are doing - like others, I'm sure, I remember your great dignity over the summer and have wondered how you have been doing.

I hope the news at the appointment tomorrow is ok. You are a strong woman and even when at your worst moment that showed, so whatever comes, as you say, you will cope. Fingers crossed that you don't have to though!

HPV - the cervical cancer virus is ONLY passed on with sexual contact.

Because so many people are infected and they do not all lead to CN changes it is very very difficult for Drs to 'prove' that it comes from a source.
However if BW has previously been clear for years and has suddenly had her first abnormal result - she will have been infected in the past couple of years (it lives in the body for about 3 years) If she knows she has not had sex with anyone else then it has come from him.

It is because it is so common that it is so hard to point the finger - but i did get my consultant to finally admit that i must have been infected through sex - i know i had not had sex with anyone else.

Lizzylou - many cases of cervical cancer are caused by strains of HPV, which is sexually transmitted. Unprotected sex with the OW therefore could have led to this.

Officially, getting cervical cancer can't necessarily be related to very recent sexual activity - the relevant HPV strains can be caught years ago and remain dormant in the body (up to 10 years or more) but can either be triggered by stress OR the introduction of a different strain of HPV - again from unprotected sex. I'm in the same boat - though can't have a smear to check as I am currently pregnant.

PS If you are having a particularly bad day Boilerwoman and Happywoman, you may want to remind your H's that contracting HPV infection also greatly raises the chance of developing penile cancer.

every cloud .

Well, I didn't like to say directly that it would serve them right if the offending organ rotted off...

I am really feeling for you all. Only plucked up the courage for a smear test a month ago. I am supposed to have them yearly due to abnormal result about 8 years ago but with DH doing what he did 6 months ago I couldn't face it so was about 6 months late. Fortunately for me and DH it has come back normal (though I am still on yearly tests).

BW try not to panic. I had a colposcopy and they burnt off the bad cells. My sister also had CIN3 (pre cancer) and had to have a cone biopsy but fortunately everything was fine (just some laser treatment I think). The period problems could just be stress and our age . When my DH left me they went to every 3 weeks but have evened out now.

I'am still trying to pluck up the courage to make an appointment at the STD clinic now I have had the smear test (DH & I are not showing any symptons of anything but I know this doesn't mean anything). It's just another bridge to cross on the recovery path .....

Let us know how you get on. BTW my sister said she got very emotional about it all in the clinic because she was in shock.

At least i still have my sense of humour though.

Seriously though BW - i really do hope things are ok - at least it is getting sorted.

If you do have to have treatment - there is no sex for a while too.
And make sure you milk it too - lots of chocolates and bed-rest really are the best thing for you now. Absolutely no running around after the children, and make sure h is on bed-time duty.

I had a smear test as part of the std tests.

I never did tell ow that mine was abnormal and that we probably both have the same HPV virus - and i know i am wicked in hoping that she is only have 5yearly tests.

Still her sexual health is not my responsibility. But the nice part of me still feels a bit guilty about that.

Oh I am pleased for you that things are working out with you DH and fingers crossed that your health is good.

Counting - get it done, untreated chlamydia is a nasty thing. A friend had pelvic inflammatory disease caused by it and was very ill. I was in floods when I had my tests but the staff were excellent and brought me cup of tea while they did my swabs!

Happywoman - feelings mutual. Though I had an abnormal smear about eight years ago (doubtless caused by my own behaviour before I met H I am sure), so I might have passed it to her. Do hope so - her own husband said he made sure he used condoms with her as he was never quite sure where she'd been (the constant state of their relationship is a mystery to me, btw - who the hell says things like that and remains married ??...)

Boilerwoman - good luck with the tests, at least they have picked it up and have fast tracked treatment so you are in good hands.

Oh I see
So awful for all of you going through this.

Still, the penile cancer threat is something to mention, and no, HW, you are not wrong for not letting OW know.

Hope all goes well for all of you.

I know, I know. The smear was a hurdle for me but I knew I had to get it done because of my prevous history. Friends have urged me to go too. I am so cross with H about this because I had HIV test etc done 5 years ago when pregnant to DS4 as not sure of history of previous partners and also I was asked whether I wanted HIV test done for that pregnancy (wasn't asked in previous pregnancies). I have told DH that we have to go and I will make the appointment.

So am I still carrying the virus even if smears normal ? and could I have given it to OW ?

That would be a shame wouldn't it ? I'm with you on this one Happywoman

Yes you can still have the virus - i know they say it can live for a long time but having done a lot of research it is likely to give you problems within about 2 years - and can be triggered by stress.
However you can just be a carrier and your own body 'fights' it - i think you are then 'immune'.

Counting if you are having symptoms now i bet you are still positive and the chances are the ow has the virus too (shame). Only problem is she may never get symptoms, as her body will 'fight' it.

It is difficult to say cervical cancer is a sexual transmitted disease as so many woman do have a 'colourful' sexual history and so can not be pinned on any one partner (unless of course you have only ever had one).
But virgins do not get cervical cancer.

Get your daughters immunized asap. They need to be jabbed before they become sexual active - it protects them against some of the known virus strains that cause cancer.

thank you all again for your kind posts.

HappyWoman - DDs 2 and 3 have had their first and second jabs. The third is in six months' time.

I am going to ask tomorrow, if they believe I have cervical cancer, if they also believe it is because of DH's behaviour. I have been monogamous for the last 27 years.........my understanding is that most forms of cervical cancer are caused by HPV infection and I know it can lie dormant for a long time, but surely not for more than 20-odd years...

It sounds pathetic, but this seems almost like I am being punished for something. I don't know, I am not explaining myself very well.

DH told me that OW had a smear during his time with her and it was negative. Still, she could be A Carrier couldn't she.....

BW, i wasn't 'here' and actively posting then, but i wanted to wish you all the very best for tomorrow.

Whatever the outcome, please don't try to apportion blame or reason, it is what it is.. to go down the other route would not do you any good at all psychologically.

Ask the questions about how, when and why if you must, if it will be of genuine help for to you know.

Fingers crossed for you.

Would like to recommend Louise Hay books for getting you on the road to recovery.
If you need support, there are health boards.
Re what you said about being punished, could it be that you are punishing yourself?
Keep us informed BW.
night

I have to disagree with the "he made you ill" bit.

I've been with my DH for 16 years, and two years ago changes were found during my smear (and following post-coital bleeding) that led to me having a hysterectomy.

I can say 100% that neither he, nor I, have been with anyone else in that time. I'd had regular smears too which were clear up to that point.

So, it can lie dormant for many years.

I hope you went on ok today.