please help my husband left today - six months on

[Boilerwoman]

Some of you may remember the terrible, terrible time I went through earlier in the year and firstly I wanted to again thank you all so much for your support and patience. It meant (and still means) such a lot to me to know there were so many of you out there prepared to help me along.

So. Six months on.

DH remains at home. The DCs do not appear to have been particularly scarred by what happened, although DD4 and DS inevitably ask "is he coming back?" when told DH is at work, etc. He attended a course for his work last week and showed me the joining instructions to pre-empt me asking.

He says he has not contacted OW, and I believe him. I ask him if he thinks about her and he says days go by without him giving her a thought.

I've come to realise that there is never going to be a reason he can offer for what he did that I will accept. What possible reason can he have had other than those which he gave? I'm realising that his reasons were his and I cannot go back and undo what has been done, I can only go forward.

I still think daily about what has happened and I know now that everything changed for me on May 1st. I know that if he ever did this to me again that would be it, but I also feel glad that I did not make any major decisions about what to do when I was still in such shock. I also am starting to realise that I have (hopefully) been fairly brave and dignified throughout this, even though I am sure some of you would disagree given some of my early posts....

Hard as it is for DH and I with no outside help, we are trying to get out more together as a couple. We also go out more with DD4 and DS. DDs 2 and 3 prefer the company of their friends!

Sexually DH's problems with keeping an erection have disappeared. If anything our sex life has improved beyond measure, at least for him.

I had a smear test shortly after he came home. This came back CIN2 which was a great shock as I have never had anything other than normal smears before. I have been tested for various STIs etc, to my utter, utter shame. I have also had, without any warning, two quite severe bleeds out of the blue and I regularly bleed after sex now. My periods are getting increasingly unmanageable.

Two Fridays ago I saw my GP for the STI results. She said she was referring me to hospital under the "two-week rule". She offered no explanation and I naively thought it meant she had to write the referral letter within two weeks or something. To my horror the hospital rang the following Monday (ie last Monday)wanting me to attend the following day. I couldn't as DH was away on his course and I had no childcare and so I am now going to the hospital tomorrow at 1.30pm. I now know it's the rapid access clinic for suspected cancer.

There is part of me that thinks nothing can be worse that what has happened to me this year, nothing. There is another part that thinks if there is anything very wrong I can't cope. I can't take anything else, it's not fair. But I know I will cope if I have to, beacuse I have no choice.

Well done if you have got this far!

x

Finding changes is not the same as CIN - and the fact that you had a hysterectomy suggests to me that it was not CIN but bleeding and changes due to something else.

I know it can lie dormant for a while but from my reading of the subject it seems most people will either develop it within 2-3 years. HPV does not always lead to changes and it seems many people 'fight' the infection with their own immume system (which has led to the vaccine being developed).
Research has not really discovered why it affects some and not others - but there does seem to be a link with stress.

Because infidelity is such an emotive subject it is often not mentioned as the cause, and actually would be pretty hard to 'prove' - but it is a fact that CIN is caused by the HPV virus and the HPV virus is only contracted through sexual activity.

It is thought that about 10% of people have the virus at any one time so it is easy to see how easy it is to spread throughout the population. There is a test for it but generally they do not test for it even in STD tests because it is often not a problem.

Hope it went well BW - but i doubt your consultant will give you any back-up that you h gave it to you.

It is only because i know a few medical people that i am able to find out what i believe to be the 'truth'.

And you are not being punished - but i do know how you feel - sometimes you just need to be the victim and see others take the blame.

Hope he is looking after you lots anyway.

I had CIN 1 - and yes other problems.

Boilerwoman I remember you although I did not post, I hope your appointment went well today. x

Hi, Boilerwoman,
I just felt compelled to post after reading your OP because it struck me as very brave but also sad. I suppose I thought there was a lack of enthusiasm/spark for the fact that you and your H are still a couple for all intents and purposes? My apologies if I am totally off the mark.

I also felt I had to give by 2p's worth re CIN:
it is not cancer, it is precancerous cells, your GP did the right thing to refer you urgently to get this treated. Hopefully after treatment you should go back to normal.

I had CIN3 in may early 20s, had a cone biopsy and have no further problems since (am now ancient 43). I really hope you will have a good outcome too.

Here are some more interesting facts about CIN/cervical Ca (not 2nd most common ca in UK, BTW):

CIN
Cervical Cancer is 12th most common cancer in UK

Hope your appointment went well. And good luck for your marriage/relationship.

I agree pacific

the worry about her medical problems aside, I too thought that bw was very flat about the fact they are still together...

maybe when she gets reassurance from the doc, she will feel there is a way forward ? < hopeful >

please update us bw

I remember you (used to post a lot but name changed now). I'm afraid I don't know the signifance of you being CIN2 and not CIN3, but I hope the news is good tomorrow. Keep us updated.

It is not the second most common cancer - it the second biggest killer of young woman in the uk! (cervical cancer).

I also have never said it is cancer. But cervical cancer always starts with CIN (which is why it is called pre-cancer).

It can be left untreated for many years and in fact CIN1 is often left untreated as it seems to 'clear' without intervention.

I dont like to scare-monger but i do find a lot of the information very confusing.
I too was told to get to the hospital very quickly - i had 3 phone calls in one morning from my GP, the consultant, and the hospital, as well as letter asking me to contact them urgently.
Why the rush if it is really not that bad???
I did get my consultant to confirm everything i believe.

However it is often very treatable and in fact woman who have it have a very close eye kept on them in the future.

I have 6 monthly smears and still see the consultant for 'check - ups'
Although my last 2 smears have been clear

I also had cin11.

Went for colposcopy and had laser treatment at the same appointment.

Before this I had also had only normal smears.

Please let us know how you got on yesteray when you have time.

BW, are you and your H going to counselling to hekp you both through this difficult time. My H walked out on me and the DC on 3 April this year and moved in with OW - he stayed for about 6 weeks. I know how utterly devastating it all is especially when you have a lot of DC to cope with as well. TBH we wouldn't still be together if it wasn't for the counselling and the Relate therapist seeing us as an emergency case and seeing us straightaway without going on a waiting list.

Do not expect to feel better quickly, as our therapist said, if you had been hit by a bus and were in intensive care with multiple injuries, you wouldn't expect to recover that quickly. This is in fact being hit by a bus mentally and emotionally and I still feel pretty bad a lot of the time but I now understand why my H did what he did and it was more about him than it was about me. It has only been in the last couple of weeks that it has really hit him what he did to me and the kids and he is now struggling like I have done the last 6 months.

Not only are you coping with what he has done, you are now coping with an abnormnal smear test. This is a hell of lot for anyone to cope with, please seek some counselling/therapy, as a couple and an individual and please put yourself at the top of the list of people to look after, be selfish and don't feel guilty.

Good luck at the hospital and let us know how you get on.

The flatness is perfectly normal I think - after all the turmoil dies down you do become emotionally numb, but do watch out for this turning into depression as it is easily done. Now that the fight is over the full implications of everything (particularly his behaviour and thoughts of 'how could he do that, what sort of person is he?') hit and that is very soul destroying. Please make sure he takes care of you and allow yourself space (hard with lots of dcs!) to be sad and angry at times.

If you can get away with friends for a few days (hospital permitting) or even have a holiday with a few friends then try and do so - make sure you do things for yourself. It is your turn to be selfish and you need to remember you have an identity outside the relationship and family, and that you matter.

BW, nothing to say really other than I remember you and have been wondering how you were doing. My DH has even asked after you. It's good to see you back even if the news isn't good.

hello, i don't remember your original post, but i just wanted to say, i am so glad to hear you and your husband seem to be moving on with things. and i wish you all the best for your hospital appointment. i know it must be scary for you but hopefully it has been caught early, this is why we have smear test, to detect things at an early stage. you sound a strong woman, stay positive, keep posting and let us know how you get on.

thank you!

The problem seems more to be with the lining of my uterus. I had some biopsies yesterday and the consultant who did them also did a colposcopy and suggested I may as well wait until March for a further smear test and if there are still problems then I could be easily treated then.

The biopsy results should be back within two weeks. He did not go into too much detail but the imnpression I got was that the worst-case scenario would be a hysterectomy.

The nurses were kindness itself as was the registrar but (and I thought this went out with the ark) they got me up on the examination table and the consultant just swanned in and proceeded to do his thing. Seems gynae consultants never change.

HappyWoman I am with you on the causes of the CIN. DH was outraged when I said I believed it was down to him that this has happened to me. I think he probably feels very guilty and cannot take the responsibility. I am not sure though if ALL cases of cervical cancer are caused by HPV or if it is the majority of them??

I am happy that we have reconciled - I maybe am not too good at showing it! I am also I think still in some kind of shock/denial. I'm still finding accepting what has happened very hard and I think about it daily. Whilst DH does not bring the affair up, he answers all my questions.

And I was mortifed when I was asked yesterday by the registrar if I had had sex with anyone else whilst my husband and I were apart. I wanted to explain to him in great detail what had happened and how I believed I was the innocent party, but he would have thought I was loopy had I done that...

Onwards and upwards I suppose.

How long have you been together?

Mine was caused by something that I´d had more than ten years previously.

we've been together 27 years diddl. I have been faithful throughout and his affair lasted from 2007 - this year.

Boilerwoman - I think I remember it all from your earlier threads. Presumably the hospital suggested you had some STI tests? And have they said whether you've got HPV?

Sorry to be blunt about this, but outrage is the last thing I'd expect from a man who'd had unprotected sex with a woman who approached him in a bar and later consented to sex in the back of her car. I would have thought that the possibility of STIs was pretty high. I also don't like the sound of him only answering questions and not volunteering any insights of his own. I'm assuming also that neither of you has been for counselling yet either?

I understand the shock and denial, but trying to rebuild without a shared understanding of what happened is not going to work, in my opinion. I wish you luck though and I'm glad you came back to update.

BW

I think he is still being very selfish to get angry - and you should not allow him to be just because he is feeling guilty.

I am outraged at him - he has caused this (ok maybe not the abnormal smear - if it is to with the uterus) but like so many 'illness' it certainly will not have been helped by the stress HE ALLOWED YOU TO GO THROUGH.

There will be a time when you will no longer feel the need to 'punish' him but you are ONLY 6 months on and sorry to be so blunt but he needs to see this and give you all the support you need for a while yet.

We are now more than 3 years on and there are still days when i want to scream and shout at him (although of course i probably would have wanted to anyway ). My h has done EVERYTHING he could to have helped me heal. Even last year we would still have terrible conversations about it. There have been a lot of tears.

You will oneday no longer feel the need to 'hurt' him just to see his pain - but you have to have control of when that day is not him. And in fact it is only when you really feel you can throw anything at him and yet he will still want to hold you and make it better that you feel you are nearer that day.

Sorry to say BW but i really do think you deserve so much more than is willing/able to give you - please go and get some counselling - even without him it will help lift your spirits.

Would you have wanted to stay married if you thought you would feel like this. -You are allowed to be selfish now and have the marriage YOU WANT.

Stay strong we are here for you.

Been thinking about you again.

Can you honestly say why you are with your h?
do you know why he is with you? Do you believe he is with you for the right reasons?

These are all hard questions that i am sure you are asking yourself daily.
Any of us that have been through an affair have done this.

A counsellor will make you face and answer these questions - and if your h is willing too he will have to give you some answers too.

I suspect he wants to move on much faster than you do and just wants it to go away. It is never going to go and you need to live with it rather than forgetting it.

If it helps i will tell you why i have stayed with my h.

He is a great friend
We share a common goal
We are a good team
I want to grow old with him
I feel happy when i am with him

There are lots of other reasons such as i have 'invested' a lot in him, we have 4 children together, it would be hard to be alone, finacially we are stronger together......
It is still hard for both of us to think about the past - but i do feel we have dealt with that and most of the time we are able to live for what we have now and leave the past behind.

In the past he has not always been the perfect husband - and for a while he was not my friend.
But we BOTH have worked through many of these issues.

I do believe he is a changed man, but then i am a changed woman too.
Today we happy with who we are - we dont take each other for granted like in the past and although it is a very different way of living and takes some getting used to it is a far healthier way to be.

BW - please take some time to go through all the stages you need to recover and dont let him dictate to you how it will be from now on.

Keep talking to us though.

I'm with him for exactly the reasons you cite HappyWoman, and as I think some of you already know we have 5 DC so I too have invested a lot in him. I genuinely believe I would be worse off without him, and I genuinely love him. I do however find it very hard to reconcile that with what he has done. I always thought that if he ever did have an affair he would be out on his ear before he realised what was happening. But when he did have one, I didn't do that. Before this happened if anyone had told me their DH had had an affair and they were taking him back I would have thought they were deranged. Now I completely understand.

I know I have changed and I am aware that he has changed too, although perhaps his changes took place earlier, at the time he had the affair.

I think I have already posted that I still think about it daily. I can't help it, or stop it. I allow myself to think for so long and then shake myself and say that's it, enough for now. I don't believe wallowing will help.

We did attend counselling but to be really really honest I did not find that it helped me. DH is of the opinion that he doesn't need someone to tell him he has done wrong because he knows and he lives with it every day. We are utterly boring and neither of us have anything in our childhoods or other issues that may make someone think aha, that is why it happened, or that may have contrubuted to make him/her feel that way. DH says when it started it was a sexual thing that he did because he thought he could (bastard), and it got out of hand. He puts it down to extreme selfishness. He prefers not to talk about it but he always answers my questions.

I found talking to someone else about My Problems to be completely self-indulgent. I really didn't feel better after the counselling sessions. I would hate anyone to think I am denigrating counselling because I'm certainly not. I wonder if it is one of those things that is either for you, or it isn't. I think for me it isn't.

Does any of this make any sense at all?

of course you think of it daily - this is a huge thing that has happened to you and actually if you were able to 'bounce' back to how you were then it would be pretty odd.

I hear what you say about him being sorry every day - but do you not worry that if it happened before then it could happen again?
That is where i feel seeing a counsellor helped us - it made us both look at what our relationship was/is and make sure we find ways to not let it happen again to either of us. Or if it did then be fully aware of what we were doing.

I think your h is still not really being open with you. One of the hardest things for my h is to 'accept' himself for who he was/is. None of us like to think of ourselves as a person who could cause such hurt and tell such lies - do you think your h sees it as that - or is finding 'reasons' for why he did those things? And it is only really this year that i think my h can say he has to accept that he was actually not a nice person for a while.

For me the hardest thing is to accept that actually my happiness is far more important than the sham of a marriage i was in.
I will not ever go back to that marriage. In fact although i have invested a lot of time that is actually irrelivent, it is how i feel now and going forward that matters.

BW this path is not easy - take care.

HW I am not sure about the happened before so could happen again, I'll be honest. Before I would have laughed if anyone even suggested he was capable of such a thing. Now I worry that it could. At first I also worried that this meant I didn't trust him but I now accept that I don't, or rather I can't, at least not yet. He is well aware that I feel like this.

He doesn't like the person he became - he has said so. He doesn't try to justify it or dress it up, he admits he was a selfish bastard.

I felt that my whole marriage had been a sham but DH doesn't see it like that. I wonder if it is just easier for men to compartmentalise their lives. She is inextricably bound up in everything for me at the moment, but he says that he barely thinks about her. Or maybe it's because he has had two years of knowing exactly what is happening whereas I've only had since May 1st, and I spent I would say at least a few weeks just focusing on getting through the days (and nights...) I was thinking very little of what was actually going on with him or what had led up to it.

I sometimes think the easier road to have taken would be to have said that's it. Finished. But I'm sure if I had taken that road I would now be here saying it would have been easier had he stayed!

BW, it sounds like he hasn't fully understood the hurt he has caused - the fact that he doesn't like talking about it, this is because he has to face up to what he has done, how he hurt you and the DC, how he put everything at risk. As I said, it has only been in the last couple of weeks that my H has actually got it and we are about a month down the line from you.

I am struggling a bit atm because we have some added stresses (financial) and it just makes me so sad about all the s**t he has put me through with the affair and OW as well. He fully recognises this and wants to make everything better. He says he only has to look at me now and realise exactly what he has done and does say he will regret it to his dying days.

I think it is the sadness that is the hardest thing to deal with. TBH even my DH admits that he can't make sense of what he did, he doesn't recognise the person he was then, how despicable and vile he was to me and the DC, how weak he was etc. That is something that he struggles to deal with. He needs to forgive himself really because I now feel that sometimes he feels worse than me and it's not doing the family much good with both parents feeling so low.

Bit of a ramble BW and I guess I am trying to say that my feelings change on a day to day basis, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, some days coping better than others. And yes is it the harder path to take.

BW - i think what i am trying to say to is not to be so hard on yourself over this.

My list of reasons for staying with h are a mixuture of good and bad reasons - staying because i would be lonely for instance is not really a good reason for staying married is it? It is hard for me to accept that sometimes and i do have days where i feel i have stayed for the 'wrong' reasons - and it does not feel good.

I am sure you think about it more because you have had less time to come to terms with it.

Do you really believe he rarely thinks about it?? Surely you would want him to think about this terrible thing that ripped your lives apart?? I wonder if he is still telling what he thinks you want to hear - as it is easier for you and for him too? It took my h a long time to be so honest with me and even now i doubt he tells me everytime he thinks about it.

I think the only way you can start to get over this is if you feel your h has been 'punished' enough.
Think carefully about this before you dismiss it.

You dont want to be the 'baddie' who wants to punish him (you are not that sort of person are you)?
Yet you hate yourself for not be 'tougher'? you hold back sometimes because you know it is best not to continue to punish him and that it will not achive what you both want?
You have to trust that he wants you to be happy - and bringing it up again and again will make him think you are not happy and cause him more pain (which make you feel like you are not nice)........ its a vicious circle.

I think for me the turning point was when my h would give me information without being prompted (he sort of knew when i was brooding and would offer to talk openly), It no longer feels as if there is something between us that cant be discussed.
It has also helped that he was able to talk to friends who knew what went on - he will still call himself a dickhead in front of some friends (and that helps me to trust him).
I feel he has truly opened himself up to me and given the control back to me. And i love him all the more for it. iyswim. It is that openess i am not sure you h is ready for just yet.

Keep talking BW - this is never going to go away however much you wish it would. But you can learn to live in peace with it.

'We are utterly boring and neither of us have anything in our childhoods or other issues that may make someone think aha, that is why it happened, or that may have contrubuted to make him/her feel that way' - Boilerwoman I saw things in your childhood (from your posts six months ago) that makes me think 'this is why it happened'. I remember in particular that your mother didn't share the fact that she was terminally ill, such was her need for privacy. That's a pretty big thing. This will have influenced how your intimate relationships are and how you connect with people. I'm just thinking that if you think that that is not relevant to how you tick, you may have well overlooked things in your DH's childhood that are very relevant and understanding those driving factors could help you understand why he did what he did & also help you repair things.