How do I make my marriage work when DH is at work all the time?

[titferbrains]

I am so fed up. DH has a very well paid but high stress job. I am at home all day with DD and I am starting to resent him. we have had a tough year but I am starting to doubt that I can stay married to him when we see so little of each other. I really love him and his company but I never expected to be in relationship with this sort of person, where I would be expected to be alone so much but still be apparently "married". How the fuck do army wives do it? THis is my idea of hell. Endlessly feeding, cleaning up, laundry etc. with no one to break the monotony. I have told DH that I'd rather he took a paycut and we lived in a smaller house so that me and dd could see him more but of course he doesn't want that. I just would rather be married to someone who could actually particpate in being a member of a family. He is endlessly asking me questions about caring for DD at the weekend eg. how much food shall I give her, what time etc. It drives me nuts even tho I know that it's not his fault.

How do you cope? Am just feeling so, so low.

My dh is a police officer. This week, he has been up at 6am to go to work, supposed to be home by 5pm. The earliest he has got home is 10pm by which time I'm asleep. He's so tired when he is here but to his credit spends every waking moment of his time here helping/playing/doing housework/taking us out.

I understand how you feel. It's difficult. I'm largely happy as dh loves his job and when he's here it's brilliant but when the phone rings every day and dh starts the conversation 'sorry to do it again', my heart sinks.

Have you told him seriously how unhappy you are?

Is your problem mostly that you don't feel you get enough quality time with your dh, or that you don't enjoy being at home with dd? Or both?

From your post it sounds as if you could do more to make your life more enjoyable - join a gym with a creche, go to some activities, meet friends for lunch, go to museums, have some other children round to play - depending on how old your dd is. If she is really little then I very much understand your frustration, I found it incredibly hard until dd was around 18 months, but it will get easier as she gets older.

But also have you talked to your dh how frustrating it is for you that he is so uninvolved in your family life, and made sure he understands what a big deal it is for you - i.e. that you're having doubts about the future of your relationship? Try to come up with ways you can make things better - maybe he could come home in time for bathtime one day a week, you could go out once a fortnight, he could start taking dd to swimming lessons/some kind of activity on Saturday mornings...

I would imagine most people with demanding jobs don't actually have the option to take a salary cut and work fewer hours. It's all or nothing often. And your dh may be feeling insecure about his job, as many people are in this economy. So I can understand where he's coming from too.

he kind of knows but obv. can't do much. We are supposed to go out for dinner on sat but I still haven't booked anywhere, have just been busy with LO. It's hard because on the outside we have a nice life, but we rarely go out or do anything that makes me feel like all the work is worth it. we do have nice holidays but during the rest of the year not much happens. I am always so jealous of my friends going to concerts, art events etc because it feels like we just don't do that stuff. I know everybody works hard but how do you get thru these long stretches that push you further apart? What brings you back together again? I just see years of resentment and boredom stretching out in front of me.

Sorry you feel like this - dh works long hours but not as long as yours - to his discredit he does zero with little one and today he told me I'm the luckiest person in the world that I don't have to work. Fact is that I did and made a huge contribution and I don't now as my job was being made full time (erm a 50 hour job would never be OK for me when my dh is also doing the other 50 - we struggled with my 9am to 7pms and it was wasn't enough and so was made redundant). Now recession and I'm 40 plus no hope for a little while although I'm hoping when ds starts school I'll be more marketable.

It is hard - depends on whether your dh appreciates the stress your under or think you do jack shit all day.

I do know what it's like and it's important with whatever free time they do have to invest in your family. Really really hard one. I know.

dh leaves home in the morning at 5.30am and is back at 8pm (or tries to be to see the dc's before bedtime)

There is no option of changing hours/paycuts.. yep its all or nothing here as well.

His job is relocating to the Middle East come January and he's hoping to get back 1 week in five (still doing the 5.30am to 8pm stint though)

I have seperate interests now (as well as a terminally ill mother to care for)

So huh where does that put us?

Probably divorce TBH but I don't see anyway forward
I can't relocate (due to parent)

So we drift further apart

Sorry your OP has touched a VERY large nerve and I have no solutions

I hope you get some positive answers

Oh and after the dc's are in bed he's working on the laptop until 12am-1am every night as well.

[joy]

If he is unwilling/unable to change his role then you need to accept it and think about what else could change. How old is you dd? Sounds to me like you are stuck in a rut and need to get a life of your own with your own friends/interests etc to stop you resenting his work. You don't say what hours he works but if he is free weekends/some evenings what is stopping you getting a babysitter and booking concerts etc? just because he works long hours shouldn't mean a total lack of social life - it just takes a bit of effort. FWIW you have no excuse not to have booked a restaurant for Saturday - it doesn't take much to pick up the phone if you really want to.

Alark, I think I'm scared of upsetting him and making his life even harder. I love him so much, he is such a great friend to me and I often say can't we run off and start a little business somewhere but he is ambitious and driven and wants to go as far as poss in his career. Yr right about bad economy and holding onto job.

Thanks for telling me it will get easier soon. My dd is a lovely child and I think we'll have fun doing stuff together later on but she is a bit young at the mo, yr right there also. we have some feeding issues so i'm also not confident about going out over lunch time but I guess that will improve too.

I just hate being on my own, the evenings are just dull and I find myself cooking complicated dinners to fill the time.

Huge sympathies titfer. Am feeling your pain. At least your dh doesn't appear to think you are living the life of riley. As he is "very well paid" I wonder if you couldn't indulge in a nanny share or something similar and go out to work part-time yourself so that at least your whole life isn't spent within the realms of domesticity. Please don't see this as a patronising post. If we were better off, this is what I would have done. Am very sorry its so hard on you right now.

Thanks bibbity. I want to do a business from home but need to wait a bit longer till dd is more manageable, eating better. Not long now but feels a long way off.

Hard to do much more than dinner because DH is often so tired, doesn't want to make too many plans, prefers to chill.

I am working on the bigger picture, but want to know how to cope with the day to day struggle and frustrations.

Hope that I'll be able to use an au pair in the new year and have a bit of CM help sometimes on a friday.

Like Sagacious this has touched a nerve.
My DH works long and unsocial hours. We don't see him most evenings and most of the weekend. It is like being a single parent at times. Times when he is in the house he is asleep because of the late hour he comes home.
You do have to develop your own life to an extent. Have friends over, go out with girlfriends, have your own hobbies. A part-time job is a good idea if it will help you get adult company.
He should listen to your concerns though and try to be home earlier some nights if possible. Is he at home at weekends? Sometimes I cope fine with being on my own (apart from contact with family and friends) and sometimes I do get really really pissed off with being alone every night over the weekends where other people are out doing 'coupley' things. We fell out about this just last weekend! You are feeling crap about it just now, this may wear off; it tends to go in a cycle for me.
But at least he is at work IYSWIM, not ignoring you for time down the pub, golf course or whatever. And you mention you have nice holidays - it could be a lot worse! Sorry to be harsh but try to step back and appreciate the good bits his job brings. But I do know how hard it is because sometimes I want to scream at him 'this is not what a marriage is meant to be!'

thanks cathcat. DH says things will be better in December. I think I'm going to book a few nice dinners in advance for the new year so we have nice things to look forward to.

REally have never enjoyed the jobs I did except cooking so not sure what direction to take re: part time work.

I appreciate what his job brings but I miss my husband whenever we're apart. He is better than a holiday or retail therapy!

Thanks for letting me get my feelings out, good to know there are others in my situation who are coping. Roll on xmas.

That's good that your DH says things will be better soon. I'm sure he misses you and your DD with his long hours. It is certainly difficult with the current economic climate - i'm sure a lot of people don't want their boss to have any reason to doubt them.
Hope things pick up for you.

Your message has struck a chord with me too! My Dh has always been a workaholic and as far as I can see always will be. The thing we argue about most is his hours and me nagging him about what time he'll leave the office so I can start dinner!!

I would say my DH would leave most mornings by 6am and wouldn't be home until 7pm at the earliest on a good night, more likely to be 7.30/8.00pm TBH. Then he spends the evenings after dinner, watching TV with me whilst on his laptop clearing emails or reviewing paperwork. It doesn't bug me as much as it used too as at least we are together.

The weekends are generally OK, although he will always manage to squeeze in a few hours of work but does this around our weekend plans. He'll often get up early, let me have a lie in and he sort out the kids and then get started on his work. I go running every Sunday morning and organise regular stuff for us to do as a couple/family in advance so he can juggle his work around whatever plans I make.

We are lucky to have no financial worries as he is well paid. Our marriage is perhaps not perfect, but whose is???? I love him and other than leaving, this is the only way I can see it working. It has been a very big thing for me to come to terms with and I have had my fair share of moments of anger and jealously and resentment. Like you, this was not what I thought raising a family would be like - being a single parent!!!!! I had moments when I thought I may as well leave and become a single parent - offically.

The thing is, when he is at home we still get on great, I do love him but just wish he'd work less or take a pay cut. After 13 years of marriage I 've accepted this won't happen, I can't change him , I can only change me.

We have 2DS aged 4 and 7. I accept I am a single parent Monday to Friday and now just get on with it as happily as I can. I have a part time job which helps. My husband calls me to let me know what time he'll be in for dinner. If its beyond 7.30pm, then I eat at 5pm with the kids. I then do the bedtime routine and have them down by 7.30pm.

Once the kids are down and if DH isn't home I have 'me time'. I might have a bath, give self pedicure, watch a TV show I recorded, check emails, mumsnet or read .

If DH is really late, say 10pm I head to bed. I am used to this routine now and this is how I spend my time when DH is travelling with work or just going through one of his numerous busy periods. I doesn't upset me as much as I used to as I quite like my 'me time' in the evenings.

Wouldn't it be great to have some sort of support group on here for mums like us??? Just don't know how to organise on- any thoughts??

Melbourne that's a great idea re: support group!! I think i will start a thread for Work Widows. Perhaps if I put it in Parenting?

Gotta run but will post again later.

My dh is currently working 5am till 9pm or 10pm and will be going into the office this weekend. This is probably the worst it's been because it's been everyday rather than a one-off late night.

This is a very difficult problem to deal with. Firms have subtle ways of putting a lot of pressure on people to work long hours and men are very susceptible to this if they feel they are the sole provider. How can they just say no I am going hme at 5.00 p.m, especially if there is bous and overtime involved? In my experience it is hard to keep a perspectve and easy to get sucked into a long hours culture. I have been there and it was not nice for me or DW.

The only solution that I found that worked was to change career and plan that change with DW very firmly part of that plan. It might need both people to change careers, maybe change lifestyle completley, move to a cheaper area and refocus priorities.

Nagging at a man who is working long hours will lead to arguements as he feels he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Feelng gulty about not beng home but not wanting to look like he is not commited ot his jobs and his colleagues. It often takes support from the DW/DP to give the man an option or even 'permission' to step back and change his life and the way he thinks about everything.

For all those people who have posted in this position, I strongly urge you to have that 'talk' wih DH/DP and tell him you want to change everything in your joint lives for the good of your family and hat means a lot more than a job, money and status. It really is that important but it takes a plan and an understanding DW/DP who really wants to make that change with him. It is not just about him coming home a bit earlier.

I think you have to make a long term plan in this situation.

If this is just a busy period then it's not too bad but if those are his permanent hours (5am till 10pm) then not only are you not seeing enough of each other, he's probably killing himself with stress in the process (seriously).

You say he doesn't want the smaller house well does he want a wife and child? Because sometimes I think you need to lay the bare facts out for him. You are not putting more stress on him by doing this. You love him. This lifestyle is not sustainable for EITHER of you.

At some point, something will happen which will make him realise that you (all) cannot continue like this (I've seen this happen with people - it's often the death of a colleague or family member).

He may have his whole life and the way he feels about himself tied to his success at work - it's a personality type - and if he is like this, trying to get him to reduce hours or cut back will be hard because he'll see it as a threat to his whole being. But you need to sit him down and look at his career plan.

My husband is away working and only comes home thiry days a year. It is nearly four months since I have seen him. He is likely to do be doing this job for the next five years. I have help and don't feel guilty about it but he doesn't like it very much. Resents it in fact. BUT i wouldn't be a good mum if I didn't get a break.

It has caused problems though for us as a couple. By the time he phones or skypes I am tired and sometimes resentful. I just hope christmas goes well.

wannabe10 - that is awfully hard. I know forces families go through this a lot but 30 days is so very little. I just could not do it. It must be terribly difficult to sustain a marriage in those circumstances and for 5 years especially. Surely that is too long and worth changing careers or even your entire lifestyle to avoid?

A firm I worked for said they wanted to send me away for 6 months to Australia and not see DW at all.

I simply refused and left the firm. My boss could not understand but then again he was not the one going.

Wannabe, I'm astounded that you can stay married. At the end of of 5 years you'll have spent less than half a year together throughout that time? I just could never have agreed to something like that.

I remember being scared when I was engaged to DH that it wouldn't work, that I didn't want to be married to someone who had such a high stress job, but I couldn't throw away the closeness and friendship. This is what I battle with now, loving him but knowing that we are not getting the best out of our relationship - and wishing I had someone who could be there for me and spend more time making me happy. I have noticed how little he does for me at the moment, I don't nag him but it makes me sad that he just doesn't have the energy to do much more than take care of himself and get to bed.

I don't demand a lot from him and I don't nag him, I am just very sad about being in this situation.

Another problem is that he is competitive with his friends, they are all quite high powered as well and no one has "got out" so to speak, and he's just not the type to be the first to do that. When I say how hard things are he often compares himself to them, and there's little I can say, lots and lots of people I know work way too hard and too long hours in my opinion.

Hi ladies.
My DP is another who works long hours. He has a long commute as well, so yes, I am a single mum Monday to friday.
My DP isn't a career obsessive type, but circumstances have landed us in this position. He was made redundant when DS was 3 weeks old. And this job was the only offer he got and had to take it.
Officially his hours are 9-6 but he usually leaves the office 7.30 -8 ish. THis means he gets home about 9.30 at nights. I can't complain because he doesn't WANT to be doing these hours, but if he doesn't do them he won't keep up and will lose his job. He has said if he doesn't get at least a 5k payrise this year he's jacking this job in to find another one.
I guess the really hard thing is that despite how long and how hard he works, we have no spare cash. We're just squeezing by. Barely. It doesn't seem fair somehow.

titfer - your DH is in 'the trap' I spoke of earlier.

Huge peer pressure and competition against peers. He is not a managment consultant or accountant on the Partnership track is he? Or perhaps working in the City?

It is near impossible to avoid the long hours culture in those jobs as I found to my cost. He has to get out of the profession completley and yes it is incredibly hard to do that and as someone said earlier it often takes a personal or family crisis (e.g illness, bereavement, redundancy) to suddenly jolt everything back into perspective about what is really important.

ABD, can I ask how old you were when you"got out"? and what drove you to change, and what you're doing now? (vague answer is fine!)

I just cannot see DH doing this. I dream about it often but it would take exceptional circumstances to make him change, that's for sure.

It is very difficult and I am struggling to be honest especially as I have medical problems and an SEN child.I also work full time.
He isn't in the forces. He works for the government and I am not well enough and won't be to have the jabs that are needed to go to the country. Perhaps I should start a ' how am I going to stay married' thread lol
I think I just got swept along with the excitment of it all. The reality is HUGELY different.............