How do I make my marriage work when DH is at work all the time?

[titferbrains]

I am so fed up. DH has a very well paid but high stress job. I am at home all day with DD and I am starting to resent him. we have had a tough year but I am starting to doubt that I can stay married to him when we see so little of each other. I really love him and his company but I never expected to be in relationship with this sort of person, where I would be expected to be alone so much but still be apparently "married". How the fuck do army wives do it? THis is my idea of hell. Endlessly feeding, cleaning up, laundry etc. with no one to break the monotony. I have told DH that I'd rather he took a paycut and we lived in a smaller house so that me and dd could see him more but of course he doesn't want that. I just would rather be married to someone who could actually particpate in being a member of a family. He is endlessly asking me questions about caring for DD at the weekend eg. how much food shall I give her, what time etc. It drives me nuts even tho I know that it's not his fault.

How do you cope? Am just feeling so, so low.

I had been a managment consultant. Working 70 - 80 hour weeks and often away from home. client always came first and the promise of a 'Partnership' and riches that go with was always the carrot. I was 35 and could see the men above me with young children slaving away. The Partners working just as hard as me and never seeing their families. I just thought no way. Me and DW were planning a family so I just knew things had to change. Plus I am a bit oddball and can live happily with being 'outside the system'.

Me and DW spend our whole lives together now everyday working from home. We know another couple who were also management consultants who both quit in their mid 40s. Downscaled their lives, work from home, and now just spend their lives together every day as we do. They have told us they have never been happier and we agree.

I had an academic career for a while after stopping being a managmenet consultant and then quit that and run an investment business from home with DW now. We are also looking at buying a more 'hands on' retail business in the North of England at the moment to keep us more occupied as the children are a bit older and need less looking after.

I accept we have the money to do what we do now but we would have done something like it no matter what our circumstances.

We took abetadad's route. We were both academics working ridiculous hours in a job which you are supposed to treat as a vocation without even the compensation of good pay.

By the time dh was 35 he hated his job so much and quit to retrain as a teacher. I now do bits of part-time and freelance teaching and research. We have relocated to the West of Ireland where we are poorer, but rich in terms of having close family nearby and our environment.

DH adores his teaching job. For the last 2 years he has had too much work on as he has kept a small academic post on as insurance against his teaching contract here cut, and it has been hard work to juggle. I do most of the childcare in the week and at weekends.

When he is here he is fantastic though, and we have a definite time plan for him finishing the two-job juggle.

It can seem impossible to jump off a career track, but it can be done and you can be infinitely happier. I was scared stiff of the change but I'm so glad we did it.

Titfer, you do sound so sad. Would it be possible to show the thread to your dh (esp. given that you haven't slagged him off violently at any stage) to show him your depth of feeling and the options around?

being cut ...

I know this may sound a bit abstract but I think there is a distinction between a)someone working long hours but still having wife, children, friends, home as their priority, and b) a job taking over emotionally as well as all the hours in the day.

I can see around our school couples where dh works really hard and travels a lot but they do fun things at the weekend altogether, dh and dw pop off for the odd weekend, they all go skiiing or walking do some other activity etc etc in the holidays. Then there are the other couples (including me) where work has become be all and end all, husbands think about work issues all the damn time and really couldn't care less if they do nothing fun at the weekend with wife and kids, make no frivolous, spontaineous fun gestures, zone out when you are talking because a work thought has come into their head etc etc.

I think as long as your weekends are fun and weekday evenings ok eating together etc you are not in danger zone....but monitor closely!!

I think you're dead right there Ducati.

we had an awful situation two years ago when a close friend died in her late thirties from cancer. She worked very long hours and was always aware of when the next bonus was due. She had worked hard to get her career, and was good at it. But when she died it made us think - life can be short - do we really want to spend all our days working and not seeing the children grow up?

my dh was very brave and renegotiated his contract for the max holiday he could get, and to work close to home, and to do standard hours. Two years on his career has been fine - ok no payrises, but he really does not mind. There is a lot of presenteeism in his company and lots of younger people waiting to rise up, but he has been ok.

I also know two dads who work short days - one on a weds and one on a fri - they finish at lunchtime so they can pick up from school and see the kids in the week. They had to do this because they are divorced - both are in high-flying city jobs. They had no real choice in it, so had to ask for it from their companies, and it has been more than fine for all concerned.

i do think there are choices - not easy ones - but they are possible.

Hello, I havent read all od the OP but just wanted to leave my thoughts.

My Dh is in the Navy so i know what its like to feel like a single parent sometimes. My DH is 3.5 months into a 4 month deployment and im a SAHM with a 2 year old ds.

Personally i find that when im stressed out and tired i start to blame DH's job which isnt the real problem.

I think you need to make more time for yourself.Its very easy to lose yourself when your always in mummy/wife mode. My ds used to go to nursery 1 day a week to give me a break. I arrange to see my friends often even if its just for a quick cuppa. Make the most of the time you and DH get together. Have regular weekends away if you can afford it.

Do you have any family or friends that are around during the day that could babysit for and hour or so so you could go for a swim etc

How old is your ds?

I've just read some of the OP and just wanted to add that DH and i both put our family life first. If his job started to come between us then i know that he would leave or do whatever ds and i needed. He loves his job and does it to provide for his family. I feel very lucky to be able to be a SAHM and have a lovely home so eventhough we do spend alot of time apart i feel so lucky to have what i have. Plus, its not forever. We take each day as it comes. There will come a time when we can go back to living together everyday but for now im happy to support my husband.

This could have been my dh a few years ago - he was working for 'a better life'.

Our life changing even was his affair - not ideal but since then we have both taken stock and made huge changes to save the family that we have both worked so hard to create.

My h was head-hunted for his present job - it is actually higher paid than his previous - he has a better career structure too.
He was very open and told them how he would work. He works hard but also puts family things first - he works from home at least one day a week, takes time off to see the school plays and limits his time on his laptop or blackberry at the weekend and on days off.

Work is only work - everyone is dispensible - and actually working longer does not make you more productive.

He has just been approached again about another position so he must be doing something right.

However in the past he would have used work as an excuse to not come home - it is a vicious circle he says he will not get into again.

Abeterdad - you are rare indeed - have tried speaking to my dh about his - not interested. Since birth of our LO 3.5 years ago we've spend 17 whole days together.

I have to scream shout and spend money in order to achieve just THIS much.

Yep and very aware that 17 days is what most people would spend in 2 months of weekends but that's what I've achieved with dh - part of which is that I went back to work which meant we worked opposite hours and he saves all annual leave for us to spend with mil not together as nuclear family.

I think that many men in my DH's position are a bit scared of making demands. His company have been pretty good to him after a very difficult year but his workload has just increased due to unusual circumstances and he has no choice but to cope with it for now.

Another thing that bothers me is that for years I've been asking what else he might do or want to do but he really has no interest in anything else, except wine (not kidding, he is a total buff these days) and also has no particular plan except living out whatever this career holds for him. So I think changing career would be pretty scary for someone who couldn't see themselves doing anything else. I think the posters above who made the change were in the right place mentally and he isn't even close to being there.

Sandy thanks for yr post, I do feel lucky but I also feel like "is it all worth it?" too - as I don't think we live a particularly glamorous life for the salary he is on.

I am totally impressed and pleased to hear that other people have been brave enough to take a leap into the unknown and am really happy to hear that it's been successful. Perhaps when things are calmer I will show this thread to DH.

titferbrains - is your DH an Excel brain? You know, very good at maths and physics?

I think most men and not many woman can compartamentalise their lives so they don't worry/think about home stuff when they are at work so don't get as stressed as you might expect or realise the impact they are having on family life. I was an acct and gave it up after 5 years as a working mum to achieve a better work/life balance and don't regret it at all. (BTW I had achieved partnership and the riches referred to by BetaDad so could afford all the help I wanted) But my mostly male colleagues were happy not seeing their family in the week and some were happy working Saturdays as well - becuase their children were at school I now realise ! They didn't worry about the minutiae of home life - not just because they expected their OH to do it, just because they don't worry/think about that sort of thing in the first place. What I am saying (I think) is that the DH's who work all these hours may have to do it but also may be quite happy to do it and not realise the impact they are having on their family.

giveitago - 17 days in 3.5 years. That is just ridiculus and I do not mean any judgement or criticism on you.

Your DH needs to get his life sorted out! What happened to holidays?

I have spent more than 17 days talking with my lawyer, going to the loo, or having a shower in the last 3.5 years.

bonsoir, not really, he has an analytical mind rather than being a real numbers man.

I also understand the 'switching off' whilst working - i work in an area where i have to be very focused and actually cannot be contacted. And i love my job - only do 2 days a week as have school age children but when they are grown up i hope to work more.

But it is the ability to have that balance - either work to live or live to work?

My h has seen in from both sides - he is partnership level so still does have some pressures - he is just able to 'switch off' work too .

happywoman - sounds great that yr dp has been brave enough to make demands/be clear about how he wants to work. As many others have said, these are scary economic times - but he has been h-hunted in the past so maybe is in strong position for negotiating.

lucysmum - just been talking to my DW about this thread and I just said what you said. Men don't think about the home as much as women. At some point of sress most women will just say enough is enough and downscale their job to rebalance their life so thay can spend more time on home life issues just like you did. We have several female frinds who did that but none of our male friends have and quiet a few are just slogging away working ridiculous hours and never seeing their families. It is very sad.

Men in general wil not downscale the job. They just don't prioritise in that way women will and that is why they end up in 'the trap' as I put it.

Giving up a partnership must have been very hard for you though and a shame you felt you had to. Did/do you have a DP/DH who also took some of the strain? There are far too few female Partners in accounting firms and elsewhere. Many I suspect give it up precisely for the reaosn you did.

He is very good at his job - but i try not to let him get too big-headed .

He is doing staff appraisals at the moment and wants to tell some people to learn when to stop - without them thinking they are for the chop.

There is a lot of research about which indicates that limiting the number of hours can actually improve productivity.

Laptops and blackberrys though make it too easy to work work work - and it is a very hard habit to break.

One of his particular pet hates is when people 'copy in' everyone to emails - it just makes so much more work to delete them all.

BetaDad - I do have a supportive DH and had a fab nanny but to be honest that didn't really help when I started missing school events, birhtdays etc because of client commitments and I started to get very resentful of the hours spent at work. Tried working 4 days but forever being interrupted - mainly by colleagues rather than clients - on day I was at home. Final straw was when a (male) colleague said I should spend more friday evenings in the pub with younger colleagues.

lucymum - yes we have a female friend who faced exactly the same problem. Tried working 4 days but no one respected her day off and she just got paid 20% less.

That stupid Friday night in the pub thing. Most younger colleagues probably just want to go home as well and think they have to stay to please the boss. Wonder what kind of family life your male colleague had? Good on you for saying no to it anyway.

I know what you mean about competitive friendships and the role they play in keeping your DH working the hours he does!!!

I'll look out for your support group "work widows" in the parenting section.

Hang in there!!

Abetadad

He works antisocial hours so when I did work he was out in the evening and me in the day. It's made my work suffer as we now have kids it means that if I work a normal 9-5 even part time we have no family life (perhaps 3 hours here and there).

Other issue he's from overseas with a very overbearing, needy and manipulative family - I swear I spend more time with mil than this ds.He saves his annual leave so we can go see them (not great) - so when I say 17 days I mean dh, the kids and me (no ils).