Am I wrong doing this, ex thinks I am, but I think its reasonable?

[mummytowillow]

I've been split up with my husband officially for 4 months now, I moved 300 miles back to my home town with our daughter who is two. We have settled down nicely, in a lovely house, I've got a decent job and were both doing OK?

My ex has stayed down South and travels to see DD whenever he can, he stays in hotels (his choice), I will never stand in the way of them seeing each other and do anything I can for them to stay in contact. He is a wonderful daddy to her and she adores him. However, I have been letting her stay in the hotels with him and it is confusing her, she comes back and is distraught that her daddy has gone, I can't do anything with her, in fact she was so hysterical last time I had to take her out in the car to a friends to calm her down?

So I've decided that he can now pick her up in the morning (anytime) and bring her back at six, bath her and put her to bed. He has flipped his lid and said this is not fair! He is not the one who has to deal with her when he has gone, I'm not stopping him from seeing her, he has her all day and the next day to, but I think its unfair for her to be staying in different hotel rooms (he is so disorganised he leaves it to late booking to get the same one)! that its going to confuse her?

Opinions please good or bad??

I agree, MrsJammi. It seems unlikely that the little one is being upset by being in the hotel room, which is the basis on which this decision is being made.

It's far more sensible to presume she is distressed at leaving her father, so whereever that handover takes place, the problems will remain.

The only way to prevent that is to have no contact at all, and the OP clearly doesn't want that or feel that would be in anyone's best interests. Denying the child's father overnight access isn't going to solve anything and actually appears quite provocative.

It's pretty much all been said but in terms of the future relationship between you as parents of this LO, you might find that trying a discussion with him about any parenting issues before you unilaterally decide what is going to happen during his parenting time would reduce the 'flipping his lid' reaction.

Were you really so surprised he was annoyed?

Oh blimey, your posts have given me something to think about! I'm thinking now that its not the hotel room then, just missing her Daddy, I will stick with her staying at my house this weekend, Daddy putting her to bed and see how it goes after that?

I've been feeling very guilty about it all really as he really is a fantastic Daddy and I have absolutely no worries when he has her apart from her behaviour when she comes back, but from what everyone has said its to be expected?

This is all so new to me and confusing, maybe I have jumped the gun and acted hot headed? But he has an inability to do the 'talking' thing, he sits there mute and just says whatever, so its frustrating but I'll give it another go this weekend.

Thanks for the advice.

mtw, you sound lovely

Anyfucker - Thank you, I can be lovely but I can also be a hot headed cow!!

good combination

I think if I was the father I would feel very upset and angry that you 'have decided' what is best. In court I am sure he would be awarded at least 2 overnight stays per fortnight and it is his decision where that is as long as she is safe. If he has to stay in a hotel as you moved 300 miles away then he has no choice but to take her to the hotel.

She is missing her father not bothered so much by the hotel it seems.

I think it would be reasonable to suggest that he always tries to stay in the same hotel though. And when she is older he would be reasonable to have her at his house for maybe half of all holidays. The reasons for your split (unless they involved abuse or violence) are irrelevant by the way. He is trying to do his best for his child and you are unilaterally making decisions about his access.

You say this all so new and confusing. I have to reiterate what others have said - presume that your parents didn't split when you were young? It is being separated from her Daddy that is upsetting your daughter most of all. It is heart and gut wrenching for small children to say goodbye to parents with whom they have a good relationship. Even if he put her to bed in your house, I wager she would still become very upset the following evening when he wasn't there to put her to bed.

I do agree though that it is not ideal for these different rooms. Does he do that to save money getting cheaper last minute bookings? Otherwise there is really absolutely no reason not to just ask a hotel reception when he is there to write in a regular booking.

It's possible you are both playing power games with each other, even subconsciously, him not booking a regular place as he knows it gets to you for instance. You both really need to work on this as questions around weekends will only get harder as she gets older - friends and extra-curricular activities will make it terribly hard for her to have the dilemma at weekends, see Daddy or miss out on other stuff.

The best you can do is give your daughter loads of love and reassurance when she is acting up post visit, acknowledging that it is really sad that Daddy isn't there but he loves her and will be back.