Am I wrong doing this, ex thinks I am, but I think its reasonable?

[mummytowillow]

I've been split up with my husband officially for 4 months now, I moved 300 miles back to my home town with our daughter who is two. We have settled down nicely, in a lovely house, I've got a decent job and were both doing OK?

My ex has stayed down South and travels to see DD whenever he can, he stays in hotels (his choice), I will never stand in the way of them seeing each other and do anything I can for them to stay in contact. He is a wonderful daddy to her and she adores him. However, I have been letting her stay in the hotels with him and it is confusing her, she comes back and is distraught that her daddy has gone, I can't do anything with her, in fact she was so hysterical last time I had to take her out in the car to a friends to calm her down?

So I've decided that he can now pick her up in the morning (anytime) and bring her back at six, bath her and put her to bed. He has flipped his lid and said this is not fair! He is not the one who has to deal with her when he has gone, I'm not stopping him from seeing her, he has her all day and the next day to, but I think its unfair for her to be staying in different hotel rooms (he is so disorganised he leaves it to late booking to get the same one)! that its going to confuse her?

Opinions please good or bad??

Im just trying to think of the little girl involved in all this. Its heart breaking that she no longer has mummy and daddy with her all the time, it breaks my heart when I see my dd cry for her daddy, but he chose to go and break their home life with what he did. Its not the little girls fault and yes it is true, she is probably missing daddy more than the hotel room issue itself. but as a 2 year old, she does need to have some stability and sleeping at home with her mummy is what she needs, and her needs should be put above mums or dads.
I will never bad mouth my ex to his children, ex is always welcome at my home but a year down the line, the visits are more sporadic (and I only live 10mins from him!) he has also been offered the sofa etc as has mummytowillow to her ex... he could wake up knowing that his dd is safe tucked up in her bed and that he can help with breakfast etc. He too does need to be a little flexible as well!
I hope you do get it sorted

Perhaps a compromise.
Suggest he gets the same hotel each time, preferably the same room. Then it wont be quite so unsettling.

I do not know your back ground so sorry if I am missing some huge part of your split.
You should give you ex every opportunity to see his child. I think that your DD will be difficult every single time she has to say goodbye. I have a friend who's 5 year old DS still gives her shit 18 months after she split from DH.

Would it be possibe for him to move near you?
Or does he have committments at home?

I can't really see any simple solution to this problem that would keep everyone happy.

you are unreasonable.

The reasons why you split up are irelevant here, unless he was abusive to your dd which he clearly can't have been as you have allowed him access.

But the reasons why you have split are between the two of you and your dd is not a part of that.

Your dd's unsettled state doesn't seem to have anything to do with her staying overnight with him but more to do with when he leaves. Is she unsettled at the hotel?

And what happens if you stop his overnight access and she's still unsettled when he leaves? Will you stop access altogether then?

I think you are using your dd to get at him tbh.

I think that you should allow him to decide what he does and where they stay when it is within his access time, and providing that she is safe.

She will be upset when he goes, regardless of where she stays the night, and I think that he would rather spend the time with her, without you there.

I echo WannaBe, the reasons for the split are irrelevant.

You daughter should not have her contact time with her father shortened because she is upset when their time together is over.

"And what happens if you stop his overnight access and she's still unsettled when he leaves? Will you stop access altogether then?"

What MTW is suggesting won't curtail her ex's time with their dd at all. The dd just won't be sleeping in a hotel room.

I'm sure dd will be upset when her father goes anyway, but sleeping in different hotel rooms every time must be particularly unsettling for a 2yo.

Agree the suggestion about him booking the same hotel every time might help (imagine he won't be able to guarantee the same room, though).

When my children were little the time when they were asleep was important to me too - how often do you just watch them breath, marvel at how beautiful they are etc? How great is it to watch/hear them wake up and spend that time with them first thing? How important is it to be there when they have nightmares/can't sleep? (Of course annoying too, but there you go that's parenthood for you).

Now I can see that you have the difficulties of an unhappy little girl, but I'm not sure why you think this is due to the hotel arrangements? It could just be that she is very sad to say goodbye to Daddy, something she probably finds very difficult to understand being so little. Four months is not long to get used to new arrangements.

For your ex I would totally agree that what you are suggesting would be upsetting and might make him angry. If he's traveled 300 miles to be with his daughter then I'd imagine he would want to spend all that time with her. I hope you manage to work something out.

I also think you are being unreasonable.

My father left when I was 5, I saw him every weekend. He collected me & my siblings, took us to his house & made sure we were home at x time. No overnight stays as he lived in a bedsit.

I cried easily for the whole night/next day after I saw him. I hated it & I missed him like crazy. But we weren't allowed to speak about him in 'mum's' house, unless she asked, and she rarely did. I never dealt with missing him, I wasn't allowed to.

My point is that your dd is more likely to feel upset by her dad having to go home again, not because she has to stay in a different hotel. I would think that the hotels seem more like an adventure than anything worrying/upsetting.

By demanding he have her back at 6, you are cutting at least 12 hours off their contact time. You are preventing him cuddling up to her while she sleeps, or watching a DVD together, or a late night snack, or simply, having a late night together. The bath will be rushed, as will the story, in his desire to get her to bed at YOUR appointed time, and not to out stay his welcome/feel uncomfortable in your home.

By asking him to not have her overnight, you are preventing him from being able to comfort her if she wakes, soothe her if she has a nightmare, having those wonderful early morning cuddles when the children are so sleepy & warm & content. Preventing them from having breakfast together, lazing around in PJs for the morning. You are breaking up the continuity of your daughter's time with him.

You are preventing her from knowing that Daddy will be there to hold her if she is upset in the night, preventing her from being able to build up a trust in him.

I guess you enjoy all that & more with your dd, so why should her father be prevented from doing so?

If you can't allow it to stand for him, do it for your daughter...I am sure she will find 2 goodbyes in one weekend harder than one.

I was going to intervene, but sandcastles has said all I intended to say. The reason why you both split up is irrelevant. I consider your move 300 miles away VERY selfish... what if the dad asked for her custody and did the same to you?

Sometimes I am appalled at the me-me-me culture and lack of responsibility. Yes, you feel happier and more secure living closer to your family... but you have taken your DD away from hers!

I think it is the leaving that is the problem, not the hotel room, tbh.

Next time he visits, he can go shopping for a bed!

If he stays with you you´ll at least be able to work out if it´s the hotel or him leaving that is causing the upset.

Is there anyway you could meet halfway sometimes so that she can stay with him?

It´s not ideal that the parents are so far apart, but if I had to support my 2, I´d probably end up moving back to UK to get a job & family support, so I can see why the OP has moved, tbh.

Don't know the reasons for the split, as so many have said, so don't know if this would be inappropriate, but:

Could he book the hotel room (and pay for it) and you stay in it, while he puts your DD to bed and spends the evening at yours etc?

As long as it was reasonably comfortable, might even make a nice break for you...?

mtw (very briefly). I think you are doing the right thing. You are close to family now, presumably working your backside off and wanting your dd to see her daddy and have some stability. I think hotel rooms and constant change would upset my 2yo. Your dd can still see her daddy in the daytimes until the bed problem is sorted out.

I agree with nooka I'm afraid - I don't think sleeping in a hotel room would be desperately upsetting to my DS at all. If it's so traumatic to everyone's DCs how on earth do you manage on holiday?

If you think it's the room, how about your ex getting her a readybed so that the bed is always the same whichever room they stay in?

Your ex has the right to have your DD overnight.

Sorry, but I do think you are being unreasonable.

Overnight access is important - for all the reasons listed. Parenting doesn't stop when your child goes to sleep, does it?
Bedtime stories, comforting them when they wake up at night, morning cuddles, watching them when they sleep...
...I would be fuming in his place at your 'decision' to limit this. Did you ask him or discuss it with him or just present it as a fait accompli?

Your little girl is upset because her daddy is leaving her, that's not going to change.
Going to a hotel room could become part of a new routine - one that fully includes her father as a parent.

I think you're being a little unreasonable too. My DS was always a PITA after his Dad dropped him off back to me - and he only lived a few streets away. It's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid and I had this right from the time my DS was 2 until just recently and he's now 12. Maybe if you and your ex could make a routine to ease your DD when it's his time to leave, that might settle her a bit. Or you could organise an activity (something as small as a walk in the park or something) for after he goes. That may distract her for a while.

I can see why the Ex is upset at losing the sleepover element. It's lovely sleeping near to your DC and looking at them sleep in the night, and having them wake up and stretch their arms up at you....

But he left (the relationship), you are offering him to stay at yours, and it disrupts your DD too much. Shame for him, but you are doing the right thing.

Have just read the rest of the comments and much as it pains me to be so easily swayed - I was looking at it from the POV of his behaviour to you which is not right. I think the suggestion above of you going to a hotel is a great one. Also - why don't you enjoy your evenings off? Most singe parents would jump at the chance of DC staying out with other parent for a whole night off (with lie in!)

I also thought, what is the ex supposed to do for the evening while he's at your house if he stays over? Bit awkward no? At least in a hotle he's free to watch what TV he wants, eat takeaway, slob in his boxers which he might not feel ok doing at yours!

Great idea about the ready bed. to expand on that could your ex have a special bag with a nightlight to plug in, books, DVD, blanket etc for their special sleepovers? that would make whatever room seem somewhat familiar.

OP i don't think you are being unreasonable. You are doing the best you can for your child - two is very little to be sleeping regularly in unfamiliar places.

Your child has so much to cope with already, she needs her routine in terms of she has a bath and gets in to her own bed, in her own bedroom, at home. as per usual.

i'm shocked at some posters say shame on you for denying him having the pleasure of watching her sleep etc etc
well i'm sorry but isn't that is something he has to sacrifice for the time being, i'm sure you've made plenty of sacrifices too.

you've been more than reasonable offering him to put her to bed at your house, if he doesn't want to take you up on it what more can you do! i can see why he would feel uncomfortable but he's an adult - deal with it.

I agree with sunshiney. It's a difficult situation all round but it shouldn't be about what's fair to OP and fair to XP, it's about what will maintain stability and security for the child.

I can't imagine it's great for a 2 year old to spend nights in strange hotel rooms on a regular basis.

I think it all comes down to two adults being able to put their own agendas to the side and discuss the best way forward for all parties, without it being 'that's not fair to me' etc.

Maybe there are other compromises, solutions to be found, with a bit of imagination and time spent discussing it?