Am i the most selfish person ever? very long sorry

[amy64]

Right here goes. Think you are all going to hate me.
I have been with my dh since I was 15 am now 45. Quite an achievement. Half of that time he has worked away. We have 2 dcs 14 and 16 and I practically bought them up myself. He really didnt have much of a bond with them when they were smaller and it used to be harder when he was here when he was away sometimes.
He really loves me though, is secure and dependable but we have had a lot of bickering and arguments in the past. He can really talk down to me sometimes and the kids. We are very different people to when we met. He is a plodder, I am outgoing and extrovert. I lost my dad 18 months ago while he was relatively young and now think lifes too short, go for it.
I thought we were ok, got on with it but in the past couple of years have been looking more forward to him going away than coming home, much as I dont want to admit it.
Well, the inevitable has happened, I have met some one else, it is like a light has switched on in my life. He is in the same boat as me, has been with someone 25 years, not married, kids grown and gone, is leaving her to be one his own to show commitment to me, says he would wait years for me to make the right decision. I so want to be with him. We have been seeing each other, yes it is so wrong, but I have been so unhappy, have lost a stone in weight, can't sleep with the guilt and the sadness. Do I throw it all away to be with him? I have everything to lose, lovely house, dh that loves me. the kids in a family unit, but I am not happy and I know that I am making everyone else unhappy. If it weren't for the dcs I would tell dh tomorrow, but am so worried about splitting my family just because I want someone else.
I got myself in such a state I went to the Drs and got counselling. It helps, but whereas I thought they would try to help keep the family together, it seems to come outh the other way.
If I stay in 2 years time will I regret it and think why did I let someone like that go?
If i go, do then I throw away 30 years.but will I always resent dh. While I am typing this the phone just rang and my dh is now going away to work for 2 weeks and told me he loved me. I just did not feel the same back, but suppose I always thought I did until I met this other person. We are so alike and in my brave moments I am prepared to risk it all. The right thing to do would be to be on my own and sort myself out, but I dont want to upset the kids any more than I have to. I get through it knowing he is away and we have the place to ourselves. I think if dh was home all the time I would crack up.
Sorry it is so long.Just never ever thought this would be me. Have never been on my own since I was at school and perhaps thats the problem.
An affair, as I know it is, is so utterly wrong but it has happened. What a mess my life is, i am an idiot.

let him go then, to find someone who properly values him...

then again...put it another way...let om go and give your dh what he deserves

I am sorry, but you are not facing up to anything are you ? Just going round in circles...

What do you think has to happen before you can reconcile yourself to making a decision ?

I know I am going round in cirlces yes. Think I spend to much time on my own they both away so it all comes to a halt, except I am stuck thinking about it.
The last thing I want is for dh to find anything out from anyone else, that is awful.
I just feel sick to think that i have these feelings, i want to tell him, but then that would be the end anyway, without a doubt.

I am sorry you feel so bad

but really, your life is your own responsibility

no-one can sort it out for you

well i tex om say how bad i feel, he say for my own sake and health stay with my family. He called and is crying, so am i. Am gutted.

how are you today, amy ?

your last post sounded rather garbled and ? intoxicated which is why I didn't reply to it

Amy, so sorry to read your last post. I really know how difficult it is when the EMA comes to an end. You just hurt and hurt and can't talk to anyone. This sounded such a possible relationship - yet you knew all along that doing one thing would hurt, doing the other thing would hurt and just doing nothing would hurt. Why do we always end up being stuck in the middle feling the pain?

I hope you are feeling better today, and that maybe this will help you make up your mind in this complex situation. If you are feeling today that you just must be with OM please be sure any decision you make is based on the facts. I know you care about him genuinely and deeply but there is nothing like someone suggesting the ending of a relationship to fire up your enthusiasm again.

Since my own EMA came to an end I've sort of decided that what I really wanted bore very little relation to what OM had on offer - my mind just sort of thought "I'm unhappy, here is an alternative or supplement, it must be what I need because I'm drawn to it" When most of the things I really care about were present in my marriage and I'm working on the others. I 've noticed that even small moves in the right direction bring rewards.

Anyway, I'm rambling on about me and this is supposed to be about you. Let us know how you are, big hug.

Amy if you want help to make sense of all those thoughts and feelings you are fighting with right now, please try and book in for some counselling. They won't tell you what to do but talking with a counsellor will help to get things clearer in your mind.

Why not try a break from OM for a while, so he is not clouding your judgement, then if you still feel you really want to be with him, take the bull by the horns and go for it.

Good luck honey, I know exactly how your feeling, but I'm a little further along than you. I've told H I'm not happy and want to leave and basically he his bullying me into staying at the moment. OM is currently out of the picture and it makes what's going on easier to deal with. If i'm leaving, I'm leaving for my own happiness, not just to go to the arms of another man, although I know he is there for me.

if you have any respect for your dh you will tell him.

Amy - it would be good to hear from you with an update today. Just a few thoughts on your recent posts and also those of others....and some questions!

Has OM actually left his partner? If so, what did he give her as his reasons for this?

I'm a bit sceptical about his apparently magnanimous "stepping aside" manouvre last night - you might think that he is being decent and unselfish. I on the other hand, think there are two further possibilities. He's got cold feet himself and your turmoil now seems more real to him - it's looking like a real possibility now that you might leave your DH and tell all - and this has made him "wake up" a bit from the fantasy.

The other possibility is that he does still want you, but thinks that his withdrawal will force the issue with you.

I think the reason you are in so much turmoil at the moment is that you have now realised that you cannot go on in this state of inertia. This will not resolve itself at all - and that unless you make some decisions, the resolution that will occur will not be one that you can live with.

I also read that you do still love your H very much and I read a lot into your projected jealousy if he met someone else. Maybe that's why you feel so strongly that you could never tell your H about there having been another man - you are projecting your feelings on to him? You don't think you could ever forgive him if he had done what you have done - and therefore you are stuck. Confused and Upset might be the same for all I know...as could anyone keeping a secret as enormous as this one.

Please trust me on this - none of us really knows what we would do in the case of infidelity. We think we know what we would do; we think we know ourselves very well, especially those of us who are older and in long marriages. Until it happens. Then, we amaze ourselves because we do the opposite -we decide to learn from it and give our partners another chance. One of the hardest things after infidelity is that our faith in ourselves is shaken - we realise that we didn't know ourselves well after all...

If we are therefore surprised that we don't know ourselves, how can we possibly know with certainty what our partners would do if the situation were reversed?

This is a way down the line for you Amy, but I would say to all of you who are harbouring secrets like this - if you are certain that your infidelity wasn't a "gateway" infidelity that will pave the way for others, if you really want a marriage that is revived, honest and enriching, be brave and come clean. Your husbands are completely in the dark about the circumstances that led to you looking outside the marriage and so they are rebuilding with you with one hand tied behind their back.

The last thing I would want for you is to give up OM and try to rescue your marriage with this secret looming over you. It just isn't going to work - and it will leave you both vulnerable to other affairs. Don't go through all this trauma in vain, Amy. If you do have to lose OM, trying to get your marriage back on track while there is this elephant in the room will never work properly. One of you has had a huge wake-up call - but the other knows nothing about it. Having this secret is like setting your H up to fail.

Have you given any thought to the bereavement counselling I mentioned before?

And I would say, never, ever, ever tell.

"And I would say, never, ever, ever tell."

in which case she would undoubtedly be (as her title suggests) the most selfish person ever.

I think I manoevered om into telling me to stay with my family. I sort of wanted him to tell me, because realistically i didn't have the strength to tho i know it makes me weak and it couldn't really work. He works away all the time, fo months sometimes, would want me to come with him. I coudn't leave my kids.
I wanted to tell him not to tex me for a few days anyway, because I could not carry on as I was. I felt sick with guilt and was making myself ill.
I realise that he was bombarding me with about thirty texts a day, that is not healthy. He rang me and says he still wants me and that he didn't want me to go and he has never hurt so much in all his life, but I want to be free from all this emotion, and even after a day of not texting I sort of feel free from it.
I do still love my dh am going to give it my all. What I am going to tell him I am unsure of yet. I haven't seen him since my first post, he is also away for a couple of weeks and that is the problem. It is not eay being married to someone who is away so much. Too much time alone is not healthy.
I miss om also, feel sorry I hurt him, tho he hurt me too. But I should be thankful for what I have got and I will have to live with this. When om gets home from his trip away it will be very difficult especially as dh will be away but I am going to be strong as I can for my family. I have got a counselling appointment soon so hopefully that will help. Om is leaving his partner anyway, says his relationship has been dead for years.
I am going to give my marriage everything I have got. Am vay emotional, am dreading om coming home but I have got to be strong.

And also I do care deeply about om, feel like my stomach is tied up in knots. And I know he wants me without a doubt but it just could not be. He says he will wait years for me and if my marriage doesn't work he will be there, but stepping back and thinking about it you should never go from one man straight to another.
I am in a lot of pain, all these years have never looked at another man, though have had ample opportunity, so why it happened I just don't know. If you play with fire you get burnt and I certainly have.
And overall my dh is a good man, he has his faults but who doesn't. I am sure he has never been unfaithful though he has worked away all over the place. And I can hardly talk about his faults after what I have done.
Om has said that if this is all over that in the New Year he is going to ask to be based abroad in his job, as he could not bear to be here. This makes me sad but maybe it is for the best.

Of course it is for the best. Imho he is trying to manipulate you by giving you a deadline or he'll huff off, but you may not see it as this... Is there any way you can rearrange your life so you and H are not apart as much? Can you go with him (obv not if he works on a submarine or something, but is it possible to look at putting dcs in international school or for him to get a job closer to home)? This and the loneliness it causes seems to be a big issue in your marriage that you have managed with so far but which has made you vulnerable to other attentions. If there's any way you can change things then do - and if you can't bring yourself to tell all then get as close to the truth as you can, by telling him you were very tempted so he has as much info about the seriousness of your crisis as possible before you both try and fix it.

Thanks abdelia, think you have got it spot on there. I couldnt go with him he works on the oil rigs but I suppose I am very loyal and vulnerable.
I don't know exactly what I am going to tell him but I am going to tell him that I have been tempted at least.
He is fed up with working away and though I am lonely i would find it hard to adjust to haveing him here all the time, but perhaps we would gradually have to work our way around that one.

Don't know why i put loyal there, thats the last thing. Obviously meant lonely .

Amy. I agree with Abdelia that you will need to tell your husband at least some of what has happened so that he realises how serious this is.I also agree that the OM is being very manipulative and is trying to blackmail you, albeit in a very subtle manner. Could you change your mobile number so he can't text you?Also, tell your DH why you are doing this so he can see that you are serious about working on your marriage to him. If you contact OM via other methods, eg MSN etc, I would consider changing details on that too. Make it hard for him to contact you and make sure you are up front with your DH about it.

I realy, really, wish you well.

Thankyou so much. Yes I am going to talk to my dh.
I never saw om as manipulative but perhaps you are right and I am being taken in. He text me and said how his heart is breaking, but doesn't he think I am in pain too? I don't text him and tell him that , I am just trying to get on with it, keep busy.
When he gets back from working away I am dreading him texting me especially when dh is away so maybe I will have to change my number for my own sanity.
Thanks for wishing me well xx

Amy, this must be so hard for you getting texts from Om saying that his heart his breaking. From my dispassionate, objective position, I would say he is still "playing a blinder" like I said before, but I do understand how for you, it won't seem like that.

You appear to have come to a sort of decision and all I would say is, having done that, throw your all into making sure that decision brings the happiest outcome for you. I'd hate for you to regret it and I genuinely think you will do that if you attempt to carry on "life as normal" with your DH. I'm so glad you agree that you need to tell your DH some of what has been going on. There needs to be a major catalyst for you both to see the need to change things.

In your shoes, I would start with telling your H that for you, things must change. But this needs to be a vastly different conversation to the ones you've had before. As I've said before (and you confirmed this), your H knows that all is not well with you and in his darkest moments, he might have been imagining the worst. Alternatively, he might have been putting his head in the sand and deluding himself that there were other reasons for your sadness and withdrawal. What ever he believes, he needs to understand how close a call this was and honestly, sometimes only the realisation of this makes complacent people "wake up" and pay attention.

You well know that I would advise telling all, because I believe that partial honesty still means keeping secrets. What ever you decide to tell though, please make sure that he realises just how imperilled your marriage is and what needs to happen for it to reach its full potential.

Secondly, is there any chance that your H could ensure he is not away when OM is next home? Again, if he knew up front that OM would be around when he wasn't, there'd be no greater motivation for him to be at home. Drastic times call for drastic measures Amy. Could he even go sick, or take emergency leave until you are out of the eye of the storm?

FWIW, I take a bit of a cue from the fact that the OM has still not left his partner - actions really do speak louder than words. Watch and see whether he leaves his partner now that there might not be anyone to leave for - this might help with your perspective.

Don't settle for more of the same Amy. Make this turmoil count. You CAN restore intimacy and passion in this marriage - I've been with my Dh for 25 years and can testify to that wholeheartedly, but not without major changes and in our case at least, complete honesty.

Thank so much for all your help whenwilli. This is the first day I have not had a text and someone said to me you look like your old self today, like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
Thats says a lot. When my dh comes home I will talk to him, tell him my feelings and tell him what serious doubts I hav been having. I realise that om has been taking over my life texting me every hour of the day knowing what i am doing. That is not normal. Tonight I feel emotionallly battered. Am going to have a long bath, something to eat and just settle myself in front of the telly and look after myself, because it is the first time I have been able to do that in months without my phone going. Phone is in the bedroom drawer and turned off.

I hope you are felling better . You have had some great advice here.
I am firmly in the don't tell your H about the OM camp but the decision has to be yours

Thanks yes have had brilliant advice and it will keep me strong. Am going to bed get goods nights sleep am shattered. Thanks everyone so much xx

bloody mobile phones have a lot to answer for...

change your sim card and your number

tell your dh (for now) your old phone was stolen

getting constant texts means OM can make sure he is always at the forefront of our mind

there is no let-up

give yourself a break from the onslaught of the drama

because that is what it is

it isn't real, my love

like someone said, I think a test of this other blokes integrity would be thus...

cut off all contact with him and see if he follows through with any of his dramatic protestations...

you know you will weaken when he is back in the country... cut him off right now if you want to make a go of your marriage

then do not engage in any way