My sister's behaviour towards my son....

[Gmac2009]

My sister has not given my 3yo a birthday present despite the fact that I drove to her house to make sure her 3yo ds got his on the day and brought party treats and a beautiful gift to her 7yo daughter's day. I have asked her about it and her reply has been "oh it's not as if he's bothered is it? i'll get it eventually."

I've been made to feel like I am being totally unreasonable but I'm actually very hurt. She didn't even get him a card and she and her children came to his party!

Ahhaaargh!! Help me feel sane again! Please!!

Take her out and shoot her, that'll learn her.

I know a few people like this, v. casual about birthdays etc whereas I always go maybe slightly overboard.

If she's generally just that sort of person I'd try not to take it personally.

But don't shoot her til she's handed a gift over.

Without knoweing a bit more about it, I 'd have to say that your sister sounds like s selfish twat .

But there might be mitigating circumstances ....

sorry about poor spelling above ...

shooting is very tempting....
she can be very precious about her own birthday and her kids, of course. But then I've never missed one so feel particularly agrieved that my boy is being overlooked. It probably doesn't help that her son is a wee horror and very hard to have around but I do entertain them because she pushed for it. i then have to 'de-brief' my reasonably well-behaved child to make sure he doesn't copy her boy and swear all the time..

You asked her about it ?!?!

I've tried to think of ways to excuse the lack of a present but they are not short of cash and are always shopping so what's the problem!!?? I don't want diamonds just a card and small gift on the day. AAAhhhragh!! So annoying!

Is she younger than you ?

First I called after the party to say i couldn't find the gift (i thought we'd left it at the venue) and she said "oh, i haven;t got him anything) then I asked her the next time I saw her to get him some t-shirts, then when she didn't bring it I asked again when her whole fanily was coming to stay at my house last weekend and that's when she said "it's not as if he's bothered" etc.

She's seven years older and her son (second child) is a month older than mine.

I'm assuming she's younger than you, and has done this sort of thing before ....

Oh well... bang goes that theory (I'm a younger child BTW)

Odd that she didn't mention the lack of present beforehand ... "Sorry, didn't get a chance to get a pressie, will do so later" - you'd have accepted that, right ?

Nope, still think she's a selfish twat

I have a horrible feeling that it may be a case of older sister having zero respect for younger sister. That's certainly what her behaviour is saying to me which is really sad as it makes it very hard for me to continue a proper relationship with her.
If it was a friend doing this how would you tackle it?

If it were a friend, I'd distance myself .. I'd cut down the time I spent with them. I'd try not to rely on their help or support for anything so as to avoid being disappointed or hurt. I'd attempt to see it as a character failing on their part and try and remain cordial.

I am notoriously unassertive, and I don't know how near to your sister you live os how much contact you have with her, but that's what I'd do.

Must go now. Hope someone with a bit more experience can help

thanks Jamieandhismagictorch and all
I was thinking along those lines anyway. I have said very clearly to her about this. Perhaps I'll have one more try and then I can back off without regrets.

She sounds really selfish - I think you should try really hard not to expect anything from her. You have high standards, and it is not always best to judge people against your own level of kindness. But don't lower your own standards - still be kind to your neice and nephew. But try not to make a big thing of it with your own child. It will pay off in the end - you will be remembered as a really lovely aunt as they were growing up.

thanks PotPourri

You're advice is great, I just feel so hurt and used i guess. Also angry that it seems to be fine for my son to be overlooked.

really Reality ? I'd have thought that it's normal to bring a present to a birthday party, and if I hadn't brought one, for all the reasons you listed, I'd mention it first.

Hi realitybites

I can understand your point of view but if she has no intention of giving a gift to my children why does she expect a gift for her children from me?
It's lovely to think that giving is just a one-way thing but it's not. It's a way of saying someone is special and of showing you care and respect them and value their everyday input into your life. That's why it's so hurtful when it's not equal.

Hi Reality

It came up because we were sorting out the gift bags from the party and realised hers wasn't there. I was worried we'd left it but before I called the venue I called her and she said very bluntly she hadn't got him anything. To further clarify her daughter's party, which I had brought supplies and a very lovely gift to, was the day before.....

Maybe cut out the gift giving?

If she mentions it, say that you thought you weren´t bothering anymore as she didn´t last time?

My best friend is very lax about birthday gifts. My ds b'day is 2 weeks before her dd and he is often the only 1 who gets a card/prezzie. It doesn't bother me too much but I was diasappointed she didn't get anything for xmas last year or for dd2's 1st b'day.
If she was my sis I would be annoyed tho esp as I like to give gifts to her kids.