Don't like DH anymore

[endoxana]

I am fairly new to MN but need some help and advice. DS2 is just under 3wks old and I know I am hormonal and sleep deprived.

DH and I were due to register DS2's birth 2 days ago I wanted DS2 to have my maiden name (which I still use and is on my passport)as a middle name like DS1 because it is unusal and I have no brothers and it will disappear with my parents. However, DH just point blank refused said I got my way with DS1 and thats enough. I was so upset I didn't go with him to register and needless to say its not on his birth certificate.

I feel like I am stuck in a time warp where women have no opinion. I have fallen out with my parents as they can't believe we don't seem to have an equal partnership. I am currently tolerating DH after huge arguments as I can't face arguing anymore, but I just feel like an empty shell and doubting why I married this man, why I have gone on to have children with him as my opinion and feelings seem to matter so little to him.

Sorry for rambling just don't know what to do. Do I just let it go or go behind his back and add the name or wait till DS2 is of an age he can request that he wants an extra middle name!!!

Just read your post.

Your DH is a controlling bully, think you should say it will need to be divorce as you can't be in a relationship like this and see what happens.

can this really be about a name? if you are both so worked up about this then surely there is something else going on - a lack of communication and understanding of how the other feels at least.
i think there are days when we all wonder why on earth we married/whatever our dhs and we all go through bad patches. that's a given! and you have (both) got a very young baby and there's something weird about the birth of number two (i could have kissed the friend who visited and said 'are you still speaking to each other?' as in her opinion it's the most natural thing in the world for couples to be on the verge of breakdown with the second child!).
but something i was told recently which might help - is if you want to talk to someone about something try expressing it 'when you do x, iti makes me feel y'. it's explaining how you feel rather than accusing them of something. might be another way into the conversation.
good luck.

How upsetting for you endoxana.

I think the danger of not calling him on his threat of divorce is where does that end?
Even if it is an empty threat on his part, it obviously doesn't feel that way to you and genuinely scares you. If he sees that it works then what's to stop him using it on other occasions where he wants to get his own way?

The problem with his attitude is that this is already a compromise with regards to the name. For example, you would be perfectly within your rights to suggest DS2 takes your surname, especially as DS1 already has his fathers (not traditional, but still totally within your rights!). Therefore, DS2 taking your maiden name as a middle name is already a compromise on your behalf. DH gets to pass on his family name to future generations but you do not, so the least DH can do is agree to your maiden name as a middle name. He won't see it this way obviously, but that's how it is. It is absolutely no skin off his nose if DS2 has your maiden name as a middle name, it doesn't affect him in the slightest. Therefore this is very controlling behaviour IMO. And why does he get the final word on this? Because he is threatening you.

You would have to be very strong indeed to call him on this bluff, and because of the circumstances and how vulnerable you probably are at the moment it is absolutely fair enough if you don't want to. However, I think at some point in the future, even if you submit this time, I'm sure this threat will come up again (especially if it works this time).

I think you need to consider the implications (practical, financial, emotional) of calling him on his threat (again, not necessarily now). I have to say that I think only when you are actually prepared to divorce him will you be able to stand up to him and possibly get him to back down. The only way to disarm him and stop him holding all the power is to accept the consequences of his threat. Hopefully, if he relises you are serious this might be enough to get him to back down. But if not, and he really would divorce you over this, is that really someone you want to be married to? Is his son having your maiden name as a middle name so terrible for him that he couldn't be married to you any more?

I also think that this is the time (after having a baby) that DH should be going out of his way to support you, not threatening you with divorce because you have the audacity to question his completely unfair unilateral decision.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this at what should be a lovely, happy family, supportive time. Its very, very unfair.

that was a good post, hb.

He sounds quite insecure to me... the name is his way of "owning" you and your children. And the divorce threat a childish "its my ball and if you wont play my game I'm going home" response.

You say that his father is quite controlling of your MIL and that may be at the root of it. The fact he does not want to discuss it might be a symptom of him being vaguely aware that his parents relationship is not perfect, but he has no other model of how to behave.

My dh was quite insistant that I took his name. At the time it annoyed me until I realised I was taking swaping one man's name for another. My dh has realised that in time that it does not confer ownership and children grow up to be their own people anyway inspite of the name.

Ask your DH how he will explain to DS2 that he wasn't allowed to have mummy's name, unlike DS1. Might have some effect.
I think even if you decide you can't live with your DH, you need to bide your time till you have recovered from having new baby, and see if things improve. I set a one year timelimit on my relationship as it was pretty rocky after DS born, but my end of the year it all felt so much better.
Maybe with a bit of distance DH will see how unreasonable he's being. Hope it's some support for you to know that noone here seems to think you are in the wrong!

He can't give you a reason because he doesn't have one. His father is making him feel that a 'real' man always gets his way (he deserves it because he is providing for you) and his mother exemplifying a good wife as one who does as she's told.

He probably also thinks you're being unreasonable for working (bet your MIL doesn't), having the potential to be financially independent, and maintaing an unmarried identity at work.
It sounds like he defines a good hudband/real man as one who can pay the bills and control his wife (that's what his parents do right?).

Because you don't accept this his he's probably feeling crap and not good enough and rejected. Instead of discussing his feelings he blames them on you: you're leave him no option but to divorce you because you're not a good wife (ie one who makes him feel good irrespective of how it makes you feel).

Both of you need to try and be calm and keep talking. Not just in this situation but whenever you can't agree on something. But if this would be difficult at the best of times, when you're sleep deprived it's almost impossible.

Ask him to think about what igglipepperedfillet asked and why he really feels so strongly about names and what they represent. Explain to him that you don't want a reply just yet, you just want him to think about it.

I'm really sorry you're going through this and I hope you can come to a fair agreement.

Deep down he probably knows he's being completely unreasonable but his parents' attitude does not help. They sound like they're pushing him to stand up for himself. And he wants them to respect him and be proud of him. Hence the divorce threats.

By the way YADNBU.

Hi Endoxana, just wondering how you are doing and hoping things are ok with you

Thanks Iggipepperedfillet so kind of you to ask.
Things have not been great DS1 has been very unwell with temps in 40's for past 4 days and not slept at all. Its been really scary and lonely as DH sleeping in spare room and blissfully unaware. So typical as he has never had one ill day in his life and it had to coincide with new babys arrival.

As for DH he has been as helpfull as a chocolate teapot! He's been working lots and when he is about conversation has been very strained as all I can think about is how unreasonable he is being. Whenever, I mention the whole name issue he usually storms out. He says he just wants to get back to normal and that he misses me. I don't know we can ever get back to normal as the only way to do this appears to be for me to accept that my husband ultimately makes decisions and that my opinion matters so little and he doesn't care if he makes me unhappy. However, that said I am actually running out of energy and my number one priority at the momment is to my boys who are adorable even if their main aim in life appears to be to prevent me from getting any sleep. Why is it when they are unwell they develop impeccable manners and thank you for even the smallest thing, it would bring a tear to a glass eye.
Sorry for rambling but just grateful someone asked and feel better for getting all that off my chest.

Sounds like you won't get this sorted while you're under such pressure, so you're wise to concentrate on your priorities as you say.

Your dilemma rang a few bells for me. I kept my maiden name when I got married 17 years ago - my husband made snide comments about it and eventually blew up one day - I think it was just after first DC was born - and it all came out how important it was to him that I should have his name. I think in some way he felt I was not really committed to him as I hadn't taken his name. So I changed it, even though I didn't really want to and my name and his surname are not a great match. But ultimately he cared about it a lot more than I did, so I did what he wanted. I kept my maiden name at work, but sometimes wish I hadn't as it causes problems from time to time with my bank account or phone messages. Looking back now I think we would both say it's not really important at all and wonder why we ever let it become an issue. We've had many more serious bridges to cross since that day. As someone else said your child becomes the person they're going to be regardless of what name they bear.

Both my husband's family and mine live abroad so there was no pressure from parents in law, which made it a much easier decision for me - if I'd felt someone else's interference I'd probably have been more inclined to make an issue out of it

Sinpin I think you have hit the nail on the head I think my DH also sees my resisistance to take on his surname as a lack of commitment on my part.
Ultimately I am willing to change my name if it upsets him so much but feel very angry that he is refusing to agree to give DS2 my maiden name as a middle name that will hardly ever be used.

endoxana it sounds like you're really going through a lot at the moment.

Your DH is being an arse, a complete arse, and from what you say about him generally this does not seem like him.

Your name seems like the biggest issue to him, whilst the dcs names are the biggest issue to you.

I hate to suggest a compromise when you have done nothing but compromise, and if you are at all worried that this is just the beginning of him treating you like his inferior then please do not consider it, but could you maybe offer a deal whereby you change your name to him and the dcs (including any future dcs) all get your name as a middle name?

If he does begin to be an arse afterwards then you can always change your name back (not forgetting that he would need your signature to take your name off the dcs' cert)

Hope you're ok.

How are you feeling now endoxana? I have been thinking of you as its horrible to be unhappy with your DC's name, but more importantly it must be awful to feel that your DH won't listen to you over something you feel so strongly about. I hope you have managed to resolve this somehow

Thanks hattee. I am actually not too bad on Friday I made a decision that I couldn't go on like this otherwise I would make myself ill! So I said to DH that I was willing to let this go but told him that I will never forget how badly he hurt me! Since then DH has been very helpful and kind and keeps saying how happy he is that we are talking again.
Strangely as time is passing I am feeling less angry and upset maybe some of my emotions were due to hormones! Although I do still secretly hope that in time (maybe years) I can add my maiden name to DS2's name with DH's agreement.

oh I'm glad you made this decision... it'd be awful if the name argument was affecting your enjoyment of your first few weeks with DS2. You never know, given a little space, your DH may reflect on this and change his mind. In the meanwhile, enjoy DS2

Endoxana, I think you're wise to step away from the battles at the moment. Concentrate on your dcs, look after yourself, hopefully get some sleep!

That said, I echo the other posters in validating your anger, both at the issue itself and your h's imposition of his decision. I had a similar battle with my ex (not over names) over our newborn. He won by shouting me down and refusing to listen. I was tired and vulnerable and gave in. It was the first manifestation of a very bad dynamic between us that ultimately made me leave. I'm not saying this will definitely happen to you, but I am saying watch out for this domineering tendency in your h. If it's a once-off, fine, but if it's a pattern - ask yourself if this is how you want to live.