Don't like DH anymore

[endoxana]

I am fairly new to MN but need some help and advice. DS2 is just under 3wks old and I know I am hormonal and sleep deprived.

DH and I were due to register DS2's birth 2 days ago I wanted DS2 to have my maiden name (which I still use and is on my passport)as a middle name like DS1 because it is unusal and I have no brothers and it will disappear with my parents. However, DH just point blank refused said I got my way with DS1 and thats enough. I was so upset I didn't go with him to register and needless to say its not on his birth certificate.

I feel like I am stuck in a time warp where women have no opinion. I have fallen out with my parents as they can't believe we don't seem to have an equal partnership. I am currently tolerating DH after huge arguments as I can't face arguing anymore, but I just feel like an empty shell and doubting why I married this man, why I have gone on to have children with him as my opinion and feelings seem to matter so little to him.

Sorry for rambling just don't know what to do. Do I just let it go or go behind his back and add the name or wait till DS2 is of an age he can request that he wants an extra middle name!!!

So you are wanting your surname on the birth certicate as a middle name?

Not even a name that will be used?

So I don´t know why he´s so botherd.

But I think Kat might have it, tbh.

here is a link to information on changing your baby's name

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Registeringlifeevents/Birthandadoptionrecords/Regis teringorchangingabirthrecord/DG_175618

Don't make any bastism plans before you have resolved this - the info in the link explains all this. You would still be able to change the name, but you would need to go by deed poll.

If you do add the extra name, you'll get new birth certificates. The short certificate will contain the new name, but the long one will contain the old and the new name.

Please don't shoot me down - but I know of people who use their maiden name professionally, and their married name at other times. Would this be something you would consider - as it does sound like this could be the root of the problem?

hattee

I also thought about that compromise but didn´t dare type it.

Thanks for comments. We had a major row over this last night we are both extremely stubborn people and we could be stupid enough to separate over this. I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous but I fear it might be the case. After discussing (screaming argument) it apparently really matters to him I don't understand why exactly but it does. I think I have to accept it at the moment as in the grand scheme of things its not that important and I certainly don't want wreck our family over this even if he is willing to do so!
Hopefully in time it will be an area that we can discuss again but at the moment I am struggling to get more than 2hrs sleep at a time and breast feeding is hard going as well as looking after 20 month DS1.
I have to admit I am embarassed that I am not making more of stance and letting my DH call the shots but don't feel strong enough at present for there to be an alternative.

I was almost too scared to type it too!

Maybe you are right I should use married name more. Will look into changing passport, bank etc to married name. Thanks

I think that before you do anything you need a clearer idea of why this is such a big deal to him. I suspect that he has some idea that you are "less married" because you have not taken his name. Or that other people might perceive this.

But it is also v important to remember that the smallest things can be blown up in to marriage ending disasters when couples are sleep deprived.

I don't think I am going to get a clearer idea from him he is being stubborn and dictatorial. I don't understand or agree with him but I don't want to end my marriage over this either. I hope with time he will mellow enough to explain his reasons clearly and not be such a bully.

enoxana, you're right that this is not the time. You have a lot on your plate.

But I am appalled by his behaviour, and would not back down from this (in the long term).

Why should you change your name? Why should he care? IT's not his name it's yours! Just like the dcs are people in their own right, an amalgamation of both families, and he has no exclusive right to them having his name!

I think this goes a lot deeper than just the name issue, I think he's using this as an exercise in flexing his manly power.

I am on your behalf.

But for now.. enjoy your baby... his time will come!

I am very angry on your behalf as well.
I'm really not sure what I would do TBH. THe like it or divorce thing really got me actually because the petualnt part of me wants to say go on change the name and see if he really does mean it.
I am not sure I could be with someone that gave me that sort of ultimatum but right now with a new baby emotions are running high in your household so not the time for those kind of decisions.
THe one thing I think that bothers me so much about that remark though is you are saying oh it's a silly small reason to be splitting ym family up over. Yes exactly but it appears to be a big enough reason for him to throw about these bullying threats to him when ultimately he cannot give you a good enough reason for it.

Your dc's are part of both of you half him half you and as such neither one of you has the exlusive right to this decision alone and it makes me boil that he is behaving like this and bullying you when you are vulnerable into his way.

Kat

My dh is from a southern european country I'm from here, ds is born and will be raised here.

I was meant to call ds after fil. I didn't do it - dh has an odd surname and ds has this name and his father has a horrible first name. I said there's no way ds can have both fils name and their surname. His culture - lovely - happy for you, but not mine (and I'm from a multieverything background) so we picked an English first name - it' wasn't my favourite but dh loved it.

I wouldn't in a million years think that I'd have to have a full name from my dh's community. I don't - I have a bit of mix from all my backgrounds - doesn't make me less authentic ANYTHING.

What ever the name ends up "officially", you could refer to your lo with your maiden name as the first name-in nickname fashion. You can call him whatever you want.

Call you a dog with a bone- that'll learn the rude beast. If he ever calls you a dog again-that might be worth divorcing over, imho.

You can change the birth certificate without him being there as long as you take the marriage certificate.

Your H was out of order refusing and I would be careful not to let this be a slippery slope to him refusing you a say in other things.

So basically he is refusing to treat your second child the same as the first as you won't take his name?

Were you married before or after the first baby was born?

So sorry for what you are being put through, OP. I am wondering though, if you give in on this issue (especially thinking about using his name yourself) will that make him more reasonable in the future, or less reasonable? It does sound like someone, perhaps in his family, has "got at" him in some way.
It's silly for one child to have your name and the other not. My DS has my surname as middle name and any future DCs would too. It's very common!

Am pretty astounded that your DH would continue to upset you in this way when you have just had a baby. I had my DH studying the meaning of "provide emotional support" for months before I had dd! If you really love him then you need to have a real chat about the fundamental issues, ask him about his family and whether he feels he wants his rel'ship to be similar to that of his parents - if you really love him then getting to the bottom of his issues will only improve your relationship I think.

Sorry, but I absolutely do not think that this is a small issue. I think it is huge. The name business is the surface stuff - outrageously unreasonable, without a doubt, but not the main problem, as I see it. It's not even about two stubborn people.
He is treating you with massive disrespect and contempt. Telling you the matter is closed? Bloody cheek. Who's he to decide what is closed or not. He doesn't wish to discuss it? Tough, you do.
I think I would tell him (yes, tell him) that this is not the way it is going to be just because he says so, but that you will be changing the birth certificate at some point within the year, unless he can give you a proper, justified reason for not doing so. And the fact that your first son has the name is not sufficient. Or that "he just doesn't want it." Not good enough.
He clearly sees himself as king of the castle and is trying to exert control over you. That is the problem you have.
Do you really want a marriage with someone like that?
But you have a newborn and need to put yourself first here, as he clearly isn't. Tell him you you want to concentrate on your son, but that the matter is not closed, even if you do not mention it again for a little while.
Then retreat and re-group.

I have to agree with the others who think your DH is being unreasonable. At the end of the day, in a marriage, you should ideally be trying to make each other happy; it is a small compromise to have your maiden name included in your children's names.

To this outsider, it does sound like he is a bit threatened by this attempt to state your independence (by using your maiden name and including it on your kids' birth certificates), and it sounds as if you could benefit from some relationship counselling in the future.

However, as someone else has said, this is a hard time for you, and also (hopefully) a joyful time. If you can mentally put this dispute away in another place for a few months, you can enjoy being with your lovely new baby, and save your emotional energy for the difficult weeks ahead.

Hope things work out for you.

I have to agree that he is being totally unreasonable.

You want the name on the birth certificate-it´s not as if you´re calling him it everyday!

I like the idea & wish now I´d thought of giving both mine my surname as a 2nd middle name.

Sorry, late to thread - but I'm afraid your parents are right: this is not an equal partnership.

"He just says the issue is closed".

Well, no, the issue isn't closed until you both come to a mutually acceptable resolution. Because you are his equal, and not his underling.

This is still upsetting me can't stop thinking about how controlling DH is being.

I decided I would add my maiden name myself to DS2 birth certificate but have just done some research, as we live in Scotland you appear to require both parents signatures. I know I will never get his.

At least DH is aware I am furious and has become Mr Helpfull around the house! As if this would pacify me!