Its still not that bad...

[notaloud]

...I have posted on here many times under various different names. I had to stop for a while as Dh found lots of my posts, terrible things about my deepest darkest thoughts, and it has taken me a long time to work up the courgage to come back.

I suspect that things weren;t right from the start. Little things. Mainly just very bad arguments where things got flung (by him) and there was lots of name calling, door slamming, a need for me to always be the one to apologise.

And it has mainly stayed this way. Only over the 13 years I have learnt to keep quiet. Countering the arguments always made them worse. Although I know it also makes things worse to keep quiet I feel that this is much better than arguing back. I have turned myself into a dorrmat during these times. I should have stood up for myself but now it seems too late.

His mum jokes about when he was a young boy, he would have his "red rages" where he would get so worked up that he turned bright red. I should have taken note.

I progressed with the relationship because most of the time he was and is a lovely guy. More one for the grand guesture than the every day stuff, but thats ok.

I have sufferend from depression. I am selfconcious and a bit introverted, I worry about what other people think of me a lot.

The arguments have been fairly regular. And with them the little bits of name calling and put downs. Mostly that I am immature, selfish, lazy, don't think about him enough, don't make enough time to spend with him, don't want sex enough, don't initiate sex. I have taken all these on board and got to a point a couple of years ago when I started self harming because I believed I was a pathetic excuse for a human being.

Exactly 2 years ago there was a physical incident in front of my daughter. I can't forget or forgive this. We tried Relate but were told we couldn't come back when they learned of the incident. We attended a domestic abuse course together (it was just one day) which was excruciating. Nothing has changed. He was supposed to go on a longer DA course but made excuses not to go.

Most of the time it is still just the arguments that are the bad times. He has not been physical with me since, but he does block my passage from a room, and he does hold my wrists (lightly but securely) when he wants to get his point across.

I now go to work full time and he supports me in this. I also have a regular activity one evening a week which he has been encouraging about.

However I was seeing a counsellor and he very much did not like that. He would ask all the time about what we had talked about, and when I stopped going after I missed a few sessions he has not suggested I go back! He hated me talking to my counsellor and I know he also hates me talking to my best friend about things.

I am living in a bubble with him. I make all the right noises but I feel like I am dead inside. I can't move on. I was going to leave 2 years ago, I really was but I don't know why I just didn't.

I can't talk about any of my real feelings with him for fear of starting off another argument, and I suppose really I am afraid that he will really lose it again.

To make things worse I am due to have some very personal surgery soon, I am very scared and embarassed. I haven;t wanted sex for a while because it is uncomfortable but have done it for him. The nearer to my operation the less I want it. And to be fair he has generally been quite good about that, but everytime he makes it clear what he wants and I have to reitterate my not wanting to I just feel worse about it.
I feel like I don't want him with me for the surgery but I can't tell him that because he will twig my real feelings.
I should also add that I probably haven;t really wanted sex in the last few years anyway, mainly because I feel like he has betrayed my trust in him, and that I am living a sham marriage.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say to all this. I have read such terrible things on here and my lot isn't really so bad. But I can't seem to get over it. Either I should just get over it, or find some inner strength to do something about it.

[AnyFucker]

you do not have to leave the house, see someone to see what your rights are, you will be surprised

ask your CM to do the extra day indefinitely, now is not the time to rely on him for anything

you will be ok

now take this time to think very very carefully about what you want

he will say all the pretty things, all the stuff you want to hear (or wanted to hear, but now it is too late....)

he may change for a while, but he will revert, I promise you that

seize this chance to escape

because I fear if you let it go this time, you will be condemning yourself and dc to many more years of being downtrodden

[notaloud]

Thank you. I know that this is the right thing to do. FOr all of us.

I will not be able to stay in the house. Definitely won't get any help with the huge mortgage. Its ok, I don't mind moving somewhere smaller. Just a shame I couldn't afford that where I am now.

I am prepared for the pretty talk, as I have heard it all before.

I can't go back now. Not when I have done it before and where has that got me?

[AnyFucker]

ohhhhh, I wish you all the strength you will need

I meant you will not have to leave the house immediately

I would advise against letting him move back in

stay separated, or he will worm his way back in to your head, I can sense it

you sound quite strong just now, but I fear you are really not

keep your distance and do not discuss your relationship at all, only to reiterate your decision

he has had his chances and blew it

[notaloud]

You are right on the money as always! He wants me to think about what he has said.

I can only think of the times when I relented and took him back and then it all turned to shit again.

Signing off now. Will update as I can. Thanks for all your help everyone.

xxx

[AnyFucker]

come back and tell us how you are doing x

[NicknameTaken]

My advice is to let the dust settle for six months. He'll come begging to come back, say he'll change, you'll be tempted - just postpone, postpone, postpone. At the end of six months, you won't want him back. Think how happy you'll be in your small little house with your dd - no fights, no fear, just peace and laughte and love. This feels horrible for you now, I know, but one day you'll look back and remember that this was the start of your freedom and happiness.

[PerArduaAdAstra]

Excellent advice from AF notaloud - and so glad to hear you've told him straight. 'He didn't realise the perpetrator's course was a deal-breaker'? Well, he should be going on it anyway, so the next woman he gets involved with doesn't have to put up with what you've been going through.

Please don't go to your parents - you don't need the extra stress. Do you have a friend who could help you get the house on the market - maybe while you'e getting over the op? And second the advice to get the childminder more involved - you can do without him, and you're going to feel so much better when you've found this out for yourself

And phone the tax credits people now, phone the council and get your single-person discount activated for council tax, phone the bank and make sure that you're taken off any joint accounts etc.

And come back and let us know how it's going?

xx