I want to talk things over about a friend

[Fabster]

We have known each other for over 20 years but not been in touch for all of that.

I have always felt like she was better than me - as I do with everyone, never felt good enough - and envy how together she is.

I have had a few problems and while she hasn't said what I wanted to hear or always appeared to understand she has been right some of the times.

I hardly hear from her, don't always get answers from my messages, but what upsets me is when I message her something that is troubling me I get nothing back. I feel like she has had enough of me (ongoing problems that I can't get over) but in my stamp feet mode it is a lot harder living with it.

I don't know how I feel about never seeing her again, sad I guess, but I also feel sad that I feel I can't talk to her. I would be there for her 100% but feel I need her more than she me at the moment and that is hard to reconcile when we hardly talk and I don't want to be me me me.

She sounds like a bit of a cow, fabster. Why do you count her as a friend?

(I knew someone like that once: I really looked up to her and then one day realised it was a very unbalanced friendship. I went abroad to work, came back to stay with her - she was my best mate, right? - and after 24 hours in her company I realised she was dull and self-obsessed. I never contacted her again, and if she noticed, she never did anything about it. That's not a real friendship!)

We were friends for a long time and it was lovely to get back in touch but I am wondering what would happen if I didn't contact her again tbh. I texted her a chatty message today but as yet, no reply. Sometimes she will text me, I will reply then nothing. No matter whether I sent the first text or she did and what I replied.

I feel like I am intruding if I ring.

I did tell her once that I don't blame people for not wanting to be my friend, sometimes I wouldn't want to be my friend, but she said that was daft.

She agreed to have my children if my DH and I died after I had asked her if she would take the baby.

I just feel .

Fabster, I really sympathise with where you are coming from and I wish you well as you cope with life and hopefully grow stronger.

You sound like a caring and sensitive friend but I think it's a shame that you give kindness to your friend expecting certain behaviour from her in return.

However nicely this is done, this creates an agenda in a relationship where someone is not free to be themselves and give what they want to give without the other person feeling disappointed and possibly resentful if their expectations are not met.

I realise this comes from your past situation where you felt you were missing out as a child and this has resulted in feeling insecure and slightly inadequate compared to your friend, but it's really not her responsibilty to stroke you with kind words to make you feel better.

So glad you have a DH to love and care for you. My advice is to concentrate on getting well and happy within yourself and out of that will flow less needy and intense ways of relating to people.

All the very best to you.

I don't expect anything from her other than to be the friend I thought she was and as I am to her. Maybe that makes me wrong. I am being a friend to her because I want to be, not for ulterior motives iyswim. I don't make friends to see what I can get out of it.

I hope you understand what I mean as I feel I am making a hash of explaining myself.

I think a lot of friendships are unbalanced. I agree that just because you give, it doesn't mean you (not you - anybody) are entitled to receive. I have been on both sides of that and it feels very much like a relationship that's going bad.

The thing is when you are boyfriend/girlfriend, or husband/wife, the contract is clear. Partly the titles make it clear. The word 'friend' covers everything from 'someone who's good for a natter now and then' to 'someone I'd really go out of my way for emotionally and physically'.

It is really hard when one person in the friendship sees you as one thing, and you see yourself as another. The best friendships are where you both just understand the parameters and it works, somehow (like a good marriage, I suppose).