I want to talk things over about a friend

[Fabster]

We have known each other for over 20 years but not been in touch for all of that.

I have always felt like she was better than me - as I do with everyone, never felt good enough - and envy how together she is.

I have had a few problems and while she hasn't said what I wanted to hear or always appeared to understand she has been right some of the times.

I hardly hear from her, don't always get answers from my messages, but what upsets me is when I message her something that is troubling me I get nothing back. I feel like she has had enough of me (ongoing problems that I can't get over) but in my stamp feet mode it is a lot harder living with it.

I don't know how I feel about never seeing her again, sad I guess, but I also feel sad that I feel I can't talk to her. I would be there for her 100% but feel I need her more than she me at the moment and that is hard to reconcile when we hardly talk and I don't want to be me me me.

Hi Fabster

I really do feel for you - I have friends that have been best best friends with for years, but that I don't seem to be able to tell my innermost feelings to, as they don't know how to respond, (Because emotionally I know that they just don't get it !) maybe your friend is in that place.

Or maybe she is going through something herself and can't cope with any more emotional issues. I also am on AD's and feel I could talk and talk and talk about my problems, but people sometimes need to focus on thier own issues, and have no more "Space" for other people.

I have different friends for different things, eg: I have one friend (who I have known for over 20 years) who never asks how I am, just tells me all of her problems (Which is sometimes nice to forget myself) and I have other friends who I talk to all of the time.

If you can't talk to her could you send her a text or card to try and explain that you are feeling a bit unsupported at the moment ?

Take care

What I meant was I can remember two occasions very clearly when she did listen and was pretty supportive but plenty of others when I have felt about her response.

I am talking about a phone call a few times a year, texts and emails as and when.

It isn't daily calls about how crap I am feeling.

You aren't getting what you want from this relationship so why not pull back for a while? Get your support from other people for a while then see how you feel about things.

Look, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel able to give you the support you need. So leave her alone and seek it elsewhere. It is not her job to look after you - and when someone is, for whatever reason, reluctant to offer support, the more you ask for it, the more they will withdraw from you.

I honestly wouldn't know what to do or think if one of my friends texted me with an emotional problem or something awful. I would be worried that I'd say the wrong thing, and to be honest, I think texts/emails are inappropriate for emotional crises.

To me and all of my friends, texting and emailing are for making arrangements, jokes and good little snippets of news. Problems are best face to face, over coffee or if pushed over the phone. If she's not responding, I'm guessing she feels the same.

This is meant supportively by the way, I know you must be feeling pretty vile if you're on ADs.

Hope this helps and sorry you're feeling so pants. It will get better.

Fabster I really do think though, that you should try to start to come to terms with your problems and start posting here. You will have somewhere to air your problems and you can then help yourself to start to get over them (for want of a better phrase).

Your friend is just not in a position to help you at the moment.....

Fabster - sorry you must be feeling so hurt about this. It does hurt to realise that friends are not all you'd hoped.

But, I am going to take your friend's side here as I've been through the other side of the coin. My oldest friend has had a long series of emotional/mental problems (and unacknowledged alcoholism). I have found that every phone call followed a pattern - she would ask how I was and how the kids were but actually didn't really show any interest in my answers. I always got the impression that she was asking out of politeness so that we could bring the conversation round to her troubles. She would then talk for an hour or more about how terrible everything was for her. I would listen sympathetically, try to help and make suggestions but they were just ignored. She wasn't really interested in my input and I just felt quite used by her. She didn't give a sh** about me really as she never remebered any details I told her (got a new job, ds changed schools etc). In the end I used to avoid her phone calls as I just felt so drained and frustrated by her.

Not sympathetic I know. Not a good friend at all either but I decided she wasn't a positive force in my life and so reduced contact.

I am not in any way suggesting that you are like my 'user' friend but it does sound that perhaps your friendship may have been a little bit one sided. Your comments about 'I always ask how she is' struck a chord. Do you actually take note of how she is? Do you remember to ring when something special is happening in her life? Do you ever ring just for a quick friendly chat and not to talk about your problems?

Just a thought - not meant to be an attack

I send cards.

I sent flowers for when it was a period of time in remission.

I sent chocolate and cards when she was in hospital and rang her.

I text her a lot asking how she is.

I am not all take take take.

Right now I am struggling and I needed her.

I am going to back right off and see what happens as the general consensus is I am too demanding.

I have always been crap at making and keeping friends having moved a lot as a child and i guess I am doing this all wrong too.

So do you contact this friend on other occasions? Other than when you're going through your problems and need someone to talk to?

Tbh, while friends are often there for each other, there is more to friendship than that, and if someone is consumed with their problems then it can be a bit draining if that's always at the forefront of any conversation.

I have a friend who is a bit like this, she has been through a difficult time in her life, and although I have listened to her on numerous occasions, it seems that this is now all she is able to talk about, and consequently I don't contact her much any more, because although she can have a normal conversation, the conversation generally harps back to her problems. And even if she asks about me, I always feel that she's asking out of the need to be seen to be asking, rather than because she wants to know iyswim.

But by contrast I have another friend who is also going through a really hard time atm, but who does not feel the need to talk about it constantly, so for them (they are a
couple) I make the concerted effort to ask.

Your suggestion that you're the one living through it and she doesn't have to does sound a bit me me me me me I'm afraid. Obviously you do want this friend to be there for you but it seems that she doesn't want to be, and tbh that is her perogative, it doesn't make her a lesser person though. Similarly my friend above, I have listened to her countless times, but there comes a point when I don't want her to be relying on me foor support, I am her friend, not her therapist. iyswim.

Ah, no, well this is interesting. I don't think most of us are saying you're doing anything wrong, but what we are saying is there's a mismatch between your expectations from friendship and what she's prepared to give.

The thing is, I can't help thinking that this is all wrong. To me, friendship isn't about cards and flowers and questions. It's something deeper, and that the situation with her is...not a deep friendship.

It's the same as a romantic relationship, and if the balance is off...it just won't work.

Stick with your local friends, it'll be much easier. Oh, and you do come across as being more sensitive than most people, so I do feel for you. It's useful to remember that other people might not have the depth of feelings going on that you have.

I do ask her about her, the children, her husband, work, etc 99% of the time.

Maybe I do expect too much from her because it is what I would do.

It really is hard to take all this as it seems that you all think I am me me me me me and don't give a shit about her.

I don't want her as a therapist. I want her as a friend. And I thought being a friend meant you helped each other and listened and at least said something, anything, if you didn't know how to respond.

I have very few friends. I lost most when I moved/had kids/got depressed and I feel very that I am coming across as a selfish person who is draining another person.

Hi Fabster, you do not sound all take take take to me and I don't think "all" the people on this board are suggesting that, some are just trying to understand your relationship with this friend which is never easy.

As Picmaestress said, you do sound sensitive (not a criticism) and it can be tiring dealing with sensitive people (ironically you get over sensitive about their sensitivity).

Some friendships are just not meant to be, don't change with the times. You sound like you are quite attentive to your friend, If she is wrapped up in her own life perhaps this makes her feel guilty that she does not have time to reciprocate especially if sometimes she knows that you need her. Also it may be that she sees your contacting her, even when it is to ask about her, as essentially selfish (ie she sees you as maintaining contact because you need the freindship). Who knows?

Enjoy your time with your other friend, try to make some new ones (I met my best friend online about 4 years ago and we have the most honest relationship I have ever had with another woman) an chill about this one for a while. Friendships never work when forced.

Maybe she is more of a practical person? I know that I am in my element if someone needs practical support but wouldn't necessarily know where to begin if someone needed emotional support.

Also, is it possible she may feel that your friendhip together has now been overshadowed by your emotional issues etc?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to.

You sound quite 'needy' (unsurprisngly) and some people deal with that quite well but I would personally run in the opposite direction if I had a needy friend.

Not very nice of me I know

Fabster, nobody on here thinks that you are me me me at all. You sound like a wonderful friend but I would agree that there is possibly a mismatch between you and 20 years is a long time in a friendship.

I have a friend who is very thoughtful and conscientious. Remembers every birthday, special occassion etc etc. She is lovely but often feels frustrated and dissapointed in other people because they do need meet her high standards.

Thankfully, she seems to have accepted the fact that I am the complete opposite to her (ie will probably never remember my own bloody birthday let alone hers ) and so we have been able to call a kind of truce.

If we hadn't, then there is no way that we would still be friends because I refuse to live up to other peoples expectations.

Perhaps she just feels as if she cannot live up to yours.

I am sorry you feel your friend is not doing enough, but you really don't know what is going on in her life. Just because she doesn't tell you everything, doesn't mean that all is rosy in her garden. For example, a while back, someone in my very close family ( lets call them A) was very depressed. Enough to attempt suicide, and we told just one or two very close members of the family and one friend. We had the most difficult time we have ever had, supporting this person through their extreme depression and it went on for a couple of years. During that time, a particular family member, not 'in the loop' as it were, kept in touch just to tell me about all, and I mean all, her problems. Some of which were serious, but others which to me, were frankly trivial. At that time, I was not in a position to offer her any support at all, I was needing it myself for once. I was so wrapped up in the suppport I had to give to A that I had none to give to anyone else. I know that this same person has now been telling others how disappointed she is that I 'didn't come through' for her. Yet I have done so for 35 years! And wouldn't you have thought that just once, bearing in mind'how well' she claims to know me, she might have picked up that something was wrong in my life?

Anyways, what I am trying to say is thatjust because she doesn't tell you that anything big is going on, you don't know that it isn't. She might be choosing nt to tell you because she realises you already have a lot to deal with, without her problems as well. You don't know that she hasn't walked a mile in your shoes regarding depression, just as my relative does not know what happened to our family.

I think you have to lok elsewhere for the support you want/need, without getting upset because she isn't offering you what you want. She may not feel able to do so, not everybody does.

I'm sorry you are feeling upset about this but without meaning to being to be too harsh you sound very needy.
Friendships are fluid, they come and go depending on the stage of your life and very very occasionally you find one that goes the distance.
But there is no commitment, no-one is obliged to support you or be there to listen even if you have known them 20 years. Just because you have given them support, they are not obliged to reciprocate.
For whatever reason your friend has had enough at the moment.
Maybe things will change over time and the balance will even out, maybe not.
If you push her, it definitely won't.
Be thankful you had a good friend for such a long period, step away and look for support from people who are qualified to give it, make new friends who will encourage you to have some fun times.

Maybe you need to make an effort to see her and talk to her about things other than you and your troubles?

I can be a very needy friend like you and think my friends must be long-suffering.

Howeer, if the friendships are to survive, then you need to not always talk about you and expect her to pick you up when you are down.

In the past, did you have fun? Did you do anything together for fun? Can you start doing those things now?

If your friend was your friend when you weren't needy, she must have liked you- but if you only go on about your troubles now, then she may well find it exhausting.

I know for sure she hasn't had depression and I also know she does't understand it at all.

I have tried to talk to her especially as she knows some of the people involved and also knew me from before my troubles started.

I have decided I will not mention any problems again to her and just pretend all is okay. I will also not text her to ask how she is and not expect any response as to not be disappointed.

I am clearly very needy. Having had no parents and no one to care about me I am entitled to wish that someone would look after me but I guess I will just look to my DH or try and manage alone.

I have recently seen another long term friend and she and I had a lovely long chat about both of us and we caught up with how things have been a bit with each other.

I feel calmer and less alone.

But Fabster, as I said, you don't know for sure that she has never had depression, or indeed that she doesn't understand it. It doesn't need to be her that is affected, it could be someone close to her, as it was in our case. As I said, many friends and relatives would say that about my close family member who was so severely depressed that they made a serious suicide attempt. People don't know because we chose not to tell them and, like you and your friend, they were not in contact every five minutes to be able to work out that there was something very serious going on here.

TBH, the tone of your latest post really does smack of someone who is only interested in themselves,particularly when you talk about being entitled to wish that someone would look after you. Why is it your friend's job to do that? It is not even your DH's 'job', though I do understand that you would hope he would want to!

I wish you luck in getting well, something I know can happen because I have seen it happen in my family member.

I am so not interested in myself.

I have no family at all so don't see any problem in wishing I had someone who was there for me. Is that really too much to ask?

Why is it every time I post for advice it is always me that is in the wrong?

Fab your previous but last post does seem to make you look like a child stamping their foot- you seem to be having a big sulk and saying ok, I won't mention it to my friend, I'll pretend all is fine. Do you not think she will see through that very easily?

I have not read every post here, so excuse if I get the wrong need of the stick- but you seem as if you a re wanting this friend to give more than she can- for whatever reason. Maybe it is time to move on, let her be, and if it is going to work she will come back to you in the way you want?

If you have a DH why can you not lean on him?

Our friends can disappoint but all you can do is accept and try to make new friends.

All I really want is an odd reply to my text and some kind of response when I try and talk about something.

I actually feel very upset, wish I had never posted tbh, as I am not stamping my feet and whatever I say will be misconstrued.

She will not see through it as we don't see each other so it will be very easy to pretend all is okay. What else am I supposed to do when I am told I am too demanding?

I do have a DH and he is amazing but sometimes it is nice to have a chat with someone else who knows you in a different way.

I really resent the phrase 'fair weather friend'.
I think it is lazy shorthand to make a harsh judgement about what is probably a complex set of circumstances, and it's almost as if it absolves the sayer of any responsibility for pissing the other person off so much that they don't actually want to take on someone's problems as well as their own. I think the people who use it should take a long hard look at what the balance is within a friendship and maybe try to be more self-aware.

Anyway. That is not what this thread is about.

Fabster, from what you have said, she doesn't sound like a grade a friend in the first place. If you were that close, there simply wouldn't be this disjointedness. (You described another friend who seems to be the sort I mean.)

I think you might have to just let her get on with things on a more superficial level, if you still want her friendship.

One of the things about English is that we only have the words 'friend' and 'acquaintance' yet there are several different types of friendship.

Fabster someone gave me some good advice once. When you mentally, spiritually, physically pull away from things people will be more inclined to move toward you and I think you need to do that - I am sure you have made that decision after this thread.

If she doesn't contact you I think you have to let it be and when the time is ready, just let her take the lead with things. In the meantime - keep busy and find something else to occupy your time and energy.

TBH in lots of ways I feel the same as I did when we first met. She was in with the cool gang, had a mum, lots of friends, clever, pretty, confident. I was the weird one who came out of nowhere, no parents, in care, not pretty or confident but I was clever. Somehow we became friends and I looked up to her a lot and if she said anything I disagreed with I didn't have the confidence to disagree.

She would drop me in favour of someone else whereas I was always available, pathetically person that this cool girl had some time for me.

Being with my friend yesterday and the day before was so easy. We had different takes on things but when it came up I didn't feel small or inadequate. I was able to explain why I felt differently and she explain her side and it wasn't a problem. Didn't feel like many years had gone by and we didn't have any awkward silences.